After the funeral, everyone was invited back to the house for lunch. The house was full of embraces and remembrances and an unusual political buzz that separated people into two distinct groups. Juliana smiled to those wishing her well. The Speaker of the House told her to take off as much time as she needed. It was surreal. She felt like couldn't breathe, so she hung on to Sam. Josh was nowhere in sight.
CJ strolled into the kitchen and caught sight of Josh sitting on the patio. He turned his head to acknowledge CJ as she walked through the door, carefully latching it behind her.
"What's wrong with you?" CJ asked. "Shouldn't you be inside, I don't know, holding someone or hugging someone."
"I seem to be doing a lot of that lately."
"It's what they need, Josh." CJ explained. CJ watched Josh carefully as he put his drink down on a nearby table and ran his hands through his hair, obviously contemplating something in his head. Josh was trying to push back the memories that were rushing into his mind. There were memories of his father's funeral, but they mixed with memories of the harsh words that he had slung at Jules the last time they had been together.
"She's perfect you know." Josh commented, staring off into the surf down below. "Juliana." Josh clarified for CJ, looking at her now. "She's perfect. She was perfect for me and I drove her away."
"Even perfection had its flaws, Josh."
"That was deep, CJ." A small smile spread momentarily across Josh's face.
"I was pointing out that Juliana isn't perfect. Sure she's strong, brilliant, beautiful, and compassionate, she's all those things. She may have even been one of the better things to happen to you, but she's not perfect."
"I should go. I don't belong here." Josh stood up and took a few steps to the edge of the patio. He listened to the dull roar of the ocean. Josh felt like an impostor. It hadn't been too long ago that Sam was engaging him in fist fights and Jules had stopped talking to him – all because he had been too proud and pathetic to treat a relationship with respect. CJ interrupted Josh's introspective moment.
"Stop it, Josh. This isn't all about you. You belong here. You belong here because you need to comfort your best friend and a girl that you care for. You need to support them and they need you to do it. It was you who got Juliana to sleep. It was you who got her to eat something. She needs you. Sam needs you too. Forget about whatever it was that happened back in DC. And, before you say that I don't know, I do know because gossip travels faster than a bullet train in that place." CJ seemed to rant without taking a breath. Josh stood almost in awe of her wise tirade. "Go inside. Be the Josh Lyman that we all know and love."
Josh gave CJ a smile, patted her affectionately on the shoulder and walked back inside.
The sun was setting into the ocean and casting an orange glow throughout the house. Sam, CJ and Toby had long since changed clothes and were now relaxing with a beer and swapping west wing stories. CJ was catching Sam up on all the gossip he had missed in the few days he had been gone. Sam was happy for the company of good friends and the distraction it provided.
"So then Toby accidentally hits Ginger with the ball instead. Donna thought for a while that Ginger might have a concussion and had her recite the members of congress in alphabetical order to keep her conscious."CJ explained, giggling and almost brining herself to tears.
"Does Ginger know all the members of congress?" Questioned Sam.
"I really don't think so." CJ said between fits of giggles. "But it was quite hilarious."
"It really wasn't." Toby said flatly, taking a swig of his beer. Sam laughed in spite of himself. He didn't know what he found more humorous, the thought of Donna nursing Ginger over a quasi-concussion or the look on Toby's face. Toby obviously felt bad about the situation, more than he wanted to let show, and he found it comical, but he was trying his best to disguise all of those emotions.
"That's it!" Juliana yelled from somewhere else in the house. Sam, CJ and Toby all turned to watch Juliana stomp through the room to the bottom of the stairs. Josh followed close behind. CJ picked her beer back up and turned on the couch so her long legs were tucked underneath her. She was ready for the entertainment.
"I don't have any bones in my pockets and you're not a puppy! Stop following me around!" Juliana yelled at Josh. Tiredness and aggravation were evident in her voice.
"I don't think you have any pockets." Josh joked, trying to lighten the mood. He was worried about her. Yesterday, Juliana had been a ball of emotions, running from high to low. Today, other than at the funeral, Josh hadn't seen any sign of emotions and Juliana was trying to push everyone away.
"God, I hate you right now." Instead of walking upstairs, Juliana headed towards the family room and the group of onlookers. "Someone, please tell Josh to stop."
"What are we? Back in first grade?" Sam asked, his eyebrows arching towards the ceiling and a smile gracing his face.
Without even allowing time for Sam to reply Toby deadpanned, "Josh. Stop."
"You're no help." Juliana said.
"Can't say I didn't try."
Juliana looked at the group of people gracing her mother's home. Her mother would have never wanted them to all be sitting around feeling bad for themselves. Plus, Juliana was feeling the urge to get out of the house and feel an iota of normalcy.
"Let's go out." Juliana addressed the entire room.
"Jules, I don't think now's the time." Sam said with a sigh.
"Mom wouldn't want us all sitting around. We need to get out of the house."
"Jules, I think Sam is right." Josh said. "You can't just go and make it all go away. It's not a good idea."
"Whatever." Juliana shot at Josh. Josh held up both of his hands in front of him in defense. "I'm going out to get a drink. Anyone coming?"
The room fell silent. CJ looked from Toby to Sam to Josh. Sam's head was hanging as he stared intently at the floor. Josh was watching Jules, trying to calculate her next move. Juliana strode to the door, turning around one last time before opening it. All the heads in the room whipped around.
"I'm coming." Toby said, rising out of his chair and walking over to Juliana.
"Good, let's go." Juliana said. She turned and put her hand on the doorknob, beginning to open the door.
"Well, we can't let Toby have all the fun." CJ joked. "Has anyone seen my shoes? Come on guys." CJ motioned to Sam and Josh. They didn't really have a choice, so they walked out the door with the others.
The bar that Juliana chose was a local place, in the middle of downtown. When they arrived, Sam quickly found an empty table and pulled up enough chairs to accommodate everyone. CJ and Juliana headed straight to the bar to order the first round of drinks. Everyone was eating and drinking when Toby, wanting to break the monotony, challenged Juliana to a casual game of pool.
"Does Toby know what he's getting himself into?" Sam asked with a grin as Jules and Toby walked over to one of the pool tables.
"Probably not." CJ commented.
"I just hope they're not playing for money." Josh added. "She's cleaned me out every time we've played." CJ and Sam looked at Josh. He was staring intently at Juliana.
Later, Toby came slinking back to the table. Toby looked at Josh with a look that told Josh not to ask how the game went.
"So, good game?" Josh said, paying no heed to the look on Toby's face and smiling mischievously. "I could have saved you the humiliation and told you not to play."
"And yet, you didn't." Toby said, taking a seat. "Where are Sam and CJ?"
"They're on the dance floor." Josh looked out on the dance floor and Toby's gaze followed. CJ and Sam were dancing to the music, a live group who were belting out a strange mix of honky tonk, funk and hip-hop all rolled up into one song. Josh thought about asking where Jules was, but before he could get his question together, she came from the bar, bouncing to the beat of the music. As Juliana got closer to Josh, she didn't say anything. She simply held her arm and hand out to him and smiled playfully, glancing at the dance floor.
"Let's go." Josh said, accepting her invitation to dance.
Out on the dance floor, Josh and Jules did much better than CJ and Sam,
who were teasingly arguing over who was responsible for which bruised toes. Josh pulled Juliana a bit closer as they found the beat of the music and danced in time. He could feel her breath on his neck and smell her perfume drifting off of her body. Juliana seemed to be lost in the music, completely enjoying herself. It seemed to Josh, that to the average bystander, no one would have known that Juliana was grieving the death of her mother. When Juliana finally looked around, about two songs later, she noticed that Sam and CJ had rejoined Toby back at their table. The song switched surprisingly, leading into a mellower one. Juliana moved closer to Josh for the slower song, allowing him to move his arms around her waist. His lips connected in a gently kiss with her forehead and eventually Juliana rested her head on Josh's shoulders. Josh smoothly moved his head closer to hers so he could whisper in her ear.
"I still love you, you know." Josh whispered. Juliana's head shot up. She looked at him, not breaking her stare.
"Don't." Juliana didn't say anything else. Her body slumped slightly, just enough for Josh to notice, as she began to make her way back to the table. Josh stood alone in the middle of the dance floor watching Juliana walk away. Josh was going to wait for her to sit down with the others before walking over himself, but he was thrown when Juliana veered towards the front door of the bar instead of the table. Looking over at the table, and registering CJ's concerned look, Josh went after Jules.
Outside the night was crisp and fresh. Juliana was standing with her back against the building and her eyes closed, just taking in the air. As Josh approached, Juliana took in a deep breath and addressed him without opening her eyes.
"I love you too." Juliana's smile faded a bit as she turned her head to look at Josh. "I just needed some fresh air. I'll be fine."
"Why don't you come back inside?" The concern was evident in Josh's voice and he reached out, grasping Juliana's hand in one of his and putting his other near the small of her back. To Josh, Juliana looked dazed and lost.
"Josh, I can't do this anymore." Juliana said, pulling away from him.
"I'm sorry. I know you wanted things to work out."
"Huh? Thanks." Juliana wasn't really registering all of Josh's words.
"Isn't' that what you wanted?"
"Yes. I think."
"Okay. No, you know what…not okay. You can't keep letting go of your life." Josh's frustration was mounting. He couldn't understand how Jules could just let part of her go without a fight. The Juliana he knew was a fighter.
"You don't know, okay." Juliana said accusingly.
"I know plenty. I've seen plenty." Josh countered.
"No! You don't! You see everything in black and white. You don't even let yourself feel. If you did then maybe you'd know."
"Don't tell me that I don't feel. You don't know what I feel and what I don't feel. I'm just fine." Josh's voice rose in anger with every word he said.
"Then why are you so upset?"
"I'm not upset, I don't care. I just don't want to see you like this. You can't go on like this." Josh defended valiantly.
"I just want my life back." Juliana finally yelled at Josh.
"Well then have a life! Get a life! Take the blinders off and get a life!"
"Gee thank you so much for being supportive." She yelled sarcastically.
"Well is this the life you wanted? Right now?"
"No!" Juliana spat at Josh after she had taken a few tense moments to start angrily at him.
"That's because you're settling. Don't settle. Reach out and take what belongs to you, what you have coming to you." Josh's eyes met Juliana's again. He could see that hers blazed with as much fire and anger as his did.
"What?"
"Come home, Jules."
"Huh?"
"Come home with me." Josh said it as if it was simple. He had lowered his voice and almost whispered.
"Josh," Jules focused on him clearly, blinking back tears. "I don't have a home. Everything's gone."
"You have a job there. You have friends…."
"I resigned."
"What?"
"I resigned. Earlier today. And I didn't have real friends."
"You have me." Josh planted his hands firmly in his pockets and looked down at the sidewalk momentarily before meeting Juliana's eyes.
"No. I had you." Juliana said, breaking away from Josh and taking a few steps away from him. "Right up until the point when you decided that I was inconvenient, then I didn't have you anymore."
"I was wrong." Josh pleaded. "Come back inside and then come back with me."
Juliana smiled sadly, and shook her head.
"No, Josh."
Jules walked back into the bar and sat down at the table. Josh watched her from outside. He watched as she shrugged off the worried looks that CJ and Sam were giving her. He watched as she placated Toby with a trite excuse. Josh had never claimed to fully understand Juliana, but he understood her clearly this time.
7