Disclaimer: I do not own anybody here.
Author's notes: This is the sequel to my other story, 'Innocence.' I plan on making this a hell of a lot longer. It is set in the present. It's not obligatory to have read innocence, but just be aware of a few things if you haven't read it: Kate had two best friends who she saw die. He mother died that same year. A year later, her father left. She was alone having lost contact with her two brothers and one sister, and started cutting.
Warning: This story contains references to suicide and cutting. I realize that as someone who has never cut, I don't have any real bearing on the subject, but I do know what it feels like to be in pain and to want to.
Pairing: Sorry to do this to you, but I am a sworn KIBBS shipper, so this story will probably take a kibbs – ish turn.
This is set in the present (or about season two). It's AU, as Twilight never happened in my mind.
Caitlin 'Kate' Todd woke up to the blistering morning sunshine, with her head pounding. She had really overdone it last night. Yesterday had been a bad day, which was only intensified by the reality that it was the anniversary of the night that she watched three men kill her best friends', leaving her alone, drenched in crimson pain.
She had also had to put up all day with Dinozzo's crap about who he laid the weekend before. She really hated him. But at the same time, she found her partner oddly comforting, he had that capacity to joke about in the worst of situations, which, although extremely annoying, also comforted her. She had never had a friend like him, someone wacky, sarcastic and laid back, like all of the popular jocks back in high school. Kate did not like to think about high school. After the death of her friends' when she was about eleven, she had snuck out to do drugs, smoke and drink. She was hospitalized the first time at thirteen, second at fifteen. Then at seventeen, she had slit her wrists, landing her in the psych ward of the hospital for a few months, putting back her graduation. Hell, even before her friends died she had been doing drugs. She hadn't started the drinking till her mother died a few months later though.
She could barely remember her mother. She had built a box in her heart where she poured all feelings to do with her. She couldn't bear to think about her. She had never really dealt with her mother's death, and had decided not too. She didn't think she could bear the pain. Kate Todd was a strong woman when it came to most things, but when it came to her mother, she would scream and run for the hills at her mention.
With that as her last thought, Kate got out of bed, going into the bathroom to run a bath. They were just about the only pleasure she allowed herself, hot long baths. She had decided years ago not to let herself indulge in pleasures. She had done that as a teenager, and had ended up lost in a world of darkness, tinged with pain and loneliness. She could not let herself get lost again, and so stayed strictly tense.
Kate added some bath salts; vanilla flavored, and glimmered in the way the tiny crystals got lost in the bubbling water. She stripped and lowered herself into the smoldering bathtub, letting her arms rest restfully by her side. She was still protective of her arms. They had been where she had emitted her relief before, and there were still scars visible. She was scarred, she knew that. She always would be. That was the worst part of it for Kate, knowing that wherever she went, whatever she did, the pain would always be present, in her memories, in her soul. Hell, there was even physical evidence on her body. She ran a soft finger over the light scar that pierced her pale skin, forever punctured in her soul.
Half an hour later, Kate emerged from her bedroom dressed in some loose – fitting pajamas. She walked into her little kitchen, with its ivory walls, and over to the refrigerator. Pulling out a bottle of rum, she settled on the couch for a night of alcohol redemption. She loved doing this. Once in a blue moon, she would still allow herself the pleasure of feeling the burning sensation creep down her spine. Only once a year at the least did she allow herself this though. She was strong, she could stop. That's what I said last time too, she thought. The last time she had felt so much pain that she had to pick up the bottle was six years ago. But she felt……maybe that's the problem, she thought. I don't feel. All I do is live, purely existing, going through life without so much as a second glance at the past, a shadow of a person. She sighed, holding the bottle close, knowing that she shouldn't have even kept it after last time. But she needed a security blanket. Even by just having the warm liquid near her, she felt safer, more alive. She felt. That was the whole point.
The next morning, Kate awoke on the couch, covered in the crimson blanket her mother had given her one Christmas about twenty years ago. She shuddered at the color. She loved the blanket, but its color…..it was the exact same color as the crimson that had covered her that night…..the blood of her friends. She had thought at the time that there was no color like it, but when had seen the blanket laying there, had disposed of that thought. She had wanted to throw it away, but it was a connection to her mother.
She glanced at the clock, reading the time of eight – oh – seven. She muttered a quick 'shit' upon realizing that she was meant to be at work almost tem minutes ago. She ran to her bedroom to change, dragging her cell of the table as she went, dialing a familiar number.
'Hello?' Answered a strong, deep male voice.
'Um, Gibbs, just let me explain…..' She nervously started, aware that he was probably sitting there right now, staring at her desk and cursing at Dinozzo and McGee.
'Just tell me where you are,' his monotone voice answered.
'At home, I had an, uh, family emergency last night and just got in,' she replied, hoping that she wasn't too transparent.
'Just get here when you can,' he said, sighing.
Kate hung up, pulling on some black boots. She didn't know why she was so nervous; he had said it was fine. But he was…….he was Gibbs. She sighed, realizing that she really needed to get over this ridiculous crush on her boss. She just couldn't help it. His piercing blue eyes, sparkling grey hair……No! Get a hold of yourself, Kate! She ordered herself, grabbing an apple and walking out the door. She was not looking forward to today.