Disclaimer: I don't own Full Metal Alchemist, Monopoly, or Aquafresh

A/N: This went a lot quicker than I thought it would, once I actually got started writing. It gets a little ridiculous at the end but all in all, I'm proud of it

"I want to be the racecar!" shouted Wrath

"How 'bout…no!" Envy snatched up the car.

"Not fair!"

Envy smacked him. "Don't whine. It's perfectly fair—you're not old enough to drive. And you shouldn't expect things to be fair anyway. There isn't any situation where everyone comes out happy; somebody has to lose for another to win. That's how life works."

The wisdom of Envy's statement was lost on Wrath, who was busy playing with his toes. Sighing heavily, he returned to dealing out the money. Wrath took his without noticing that he was missing several 50s and 20s, and that Envy's pile of 100s was suspiciously thick…

"You can go first." said Wrath generously. Envy picked up the dice and rolled an 8; the little racecar landed on Vermont Avenue.

"You can buy it, if you want," Wrath told him.

"Why would I want to do that?" Envy gave him a condescending look. "It'd be a waste of money!"

"OK, well…then the other players bid for it, which is me, so…" He counted his money. "I think I'll bid two dollars…"

"Wait, what?"

"You're right, that's too much…one dollar than." Wrath calmly placed his dollar in the bank.

"But what if I want to bid for it?" complained Envy.

"You had a chance to buy it!"

"For one hundred dollars!"

"Yes, well, you gave it up."

"I don't think that's right…" While Envy was preoccupied with reading the rules, Wrath seized the opportunity to pilfer money from the bank.

They continued moving around the board in silence for awhile, buying up every piece of property they could. By the time Wrath landed on Boardwalk on his second time around, he was practically broke, with all of sixty-five dollars to his name. However, he couldn't stand to let Envy bid for it.

"Hmmm…" he said, thinking.

"You don't have enough money," Envy proclaimed, looking bored and disinterested. The bulk of his fortunes were still largely intact, not because he hadn't bought any property, but because he had been paying with the bank's money without Wrath noticing.

Wrath sighed. "You're right, I don't. So…" He seized the lamp and transmuted the metal with his arm to make a gun.

"Nobody move!" he shouted theatrically. "This is a stick-up!"

Envy looked amused. "Do tell." Wrath brandished his hand-turned-gun in Envy's face.

"Gimme money." Wrath demanded.

"And if I refuse?" asked Envy softly.

BANG! With his other hand Wrath pulled the trigger and put a bullet straight through Envy's brain. He gave a soft "Oh…" of surprise and collapsed gracefully to the floor.

Downstairs…

"What was that?" murmured Sloth, who was "otherwise engaged", shall we say, with none other than Roy Mustang.

Roy shuddered and fervently hoped that Hawkeye had not gotten wind of where he was and what he was up to.

When the bullet had come out of his head and the damage had healed (think Wolverine from X-Men 2), Envy came back to himself. He opened his eyes to see Wrath cackling evilly over a handful of stolen money.

"Your turn, Envy" he chuckled.

"Bastard," muttered Envy. "I'll show you." He whipped out a sheet or orange construction paper, some scissors, and a black pen (and where he kept all this, we'll never know) and hastily created some new Chance cards while Wrath counted his money. Then, wasting no time, he stuck them on top of the pile, rolled, moved, and replaced the normal dice with loaded ones, so Wrath would be sure to land on Chance.

"Your turn, Wrath."

Wrath failed to notice that the dice were different color. He rolled an eight and moved right into Envy's trap.

" 'Run through the halls screaming "MANGO"' " he read aloud. " 'When you're done, draw another card.' That's pretty strange…"

"Well, what are you waiting for?" demanded Envy, grinning. "Get to it."

Wrath bounced out the door and began to run, screaming "MANGO, MANGO, MANGO…"

"Mango!" said Roy Mustang downstairs, in the middle of role-playing as a scantily-clad mango salesman. "Would you like a mango, miss?"

Sloth giggled. "What's your price?"

"MANGO, MANGO, MANGO!" shouted Wrath as he ran past their door. Mustang stuck his head into the hall and frowned after him, assuming that the kid had been listening at their door.

"Who was that?" Sloth asked.

"Just some weird little kid," he replied, slamming the door.

Meanwhile, back in the room, Envy was watching the National Spelling Bee on ESPN2.

"C'mon kid!" he shouted. "Everyone knows how to spell 'defecaloesiaphobia'!"

Wrath darted in the door and slammed it, narrowly escaping the clutches of the concierge.

"NO! How could you miss that!" shouted Envy, throwing goldfish at the TV screen. "Wrath, don't forget, you have to draw another card."

It read:

"Have a toothpaste war with your opponent."

"Hey, wait a minute…" Comprehension dawned in the land of Wrath.

"There's some in the bathroom," called Envy, glued to the TV.

"…I recognize this handwriting. IT'S YOURS!"

"Hmmm…" Envy looked over the card. "Why, so it is. Fancy that."

"You can't make Chance cards!" protested Wrath.

"Does it say in the rules that you can't?"

Wrath rushed to the bathroom and seized the tube of toothpaste, which he promptly began to empty onto Envy's hair.

"WRATH!" shrieked Envy. "STOP!"

Wrath laughed maniacally and shoved the tube into Envy's face. He squeezed, getting toothpaste all over Envy's head and shoulders.

"YOU GOT TOOTHPASTE IN MY NOSE!"

"Toothpaste! That gives me an idea!" Roy Mustang heard them shouting in the room above and his insanity kicked in. He climbed out of bed and rushed to the bathroom, abandoning the fire, bologna, and Sloth. She sighed, and reflected that, while Mustang clad only in a pair of socks was definitely more than sexy, there was such a thing as being too kinky.

Five minutes later, Wrath and Envy lay gasping on the floor, having exhausted 10 tubes of toothpaste. The room smelled sickeningly of Aquafresh.

"Never…again…" panted Wrath.

"It's not coming out of my hair!" moaned Envy.

"This was really dumb."

Silence.

"Envy, it's your turn."

Envy dug around in a pile of toothpaste till he located the dice…and rolled.

A/N: So...how should it end? Who should win? You decide (cuz I honestly have no idea)

The whole thing with Sloth and Mustang...yeah, that was unplanned. Once I got the idea I spent like 10 minutes deciding who it would be.