Author's notes and copyright information: Austin Powers is not mine. Dr. Evil is not mine. Contains references to the movie JFK. Please see the endnotes when you see a random number shoved into the text.
Austin Powers and the Magic Bullet: a Fictitious and Ridiculous Account of John F. Kennedy's Assassination
In October of 1963, Dr. Evil was in the middle of his final year in Evil Medical School. In order to pay off his tuition, he worked as a physicist in the Department of Defense of the United States, for before he decided to become an evil doctor, he had studied to be a physicist—an evil physicist. Now it was simply a way to pay the bills. 1
Dr. Evil worked with a team of (evil) engineers and (evil) physicists to create what they dubbed the "magic bullet." This "magic bullet" ran on magnetic power rather than electrical power in order to defy gravity. Its shell was made of a newly discovered alloy, Evilium, that was lighter than titanium and slightly harder than diamond. It was to be remote-controlled with a rather cumbersome control box similar in appearance to a video game console. There's more to the "magic bullet's" construction than that, but the technical explanation that I could have given you would be incomprehensible to any reader who has not passed second-year college physics with flying rainbow colors (which is why it is useless to even begin to explain it here).
In theory, the "magic bullet" could not miss. Dr. Evil and his team of evil physicists and evil engineers conspired to murder John F. Kennedy, for he had cut funds to science in order to pour money into the war in Vietnam.
Thirty-seven years in the future (autumn 2000), Austin Powers was sent back in time to November 1963 to stop the assassination from occurring so that Al Gore could be elected President of the United States instead of George W. Bush. 2 For if Bush were elected, he reasoned, he would make JFK's same mistake of cutting funds to education and sending the money to some war. (No such war had yet occurred, but with oil growing scarce, it was only a matter of time before the US decided to bomb the Middle East.)
The time machine in MI6's 3 main building sent Austin to downtown Dallas, Texas on the morning of November 22, 1963. Austin's mission was to seize control of the "magic bullet" and foil the assassination attempt.
At 12:00 PM, after careful observation of downtown 1963 Dallas's shops (and disappointment on not finding a pair of bell-bottomed pants he had wanted to buy), Austin set out to uncover the details of the assassination plot. The day's parade was just beginning; Austin didn't have much time to get to Dealy Plaza, where the assassination took—would take—place. The assassination would occur over a course of five seconds at 12:30 PM. Luckily, it wasn't far.
It was 12:20 PM when Austin reached the overpass. He was out of breath from sprinting like a track star through the streets. He had arrived earlier than planned, so he decided to buy a Coke. Little did he know that the conspirators would arrive just as he left to satisfy his thirst.
While Austin was buying his Coke, Dr. Evil stationed himself on the overpass, a place where the "magic bullet" would have a clear shot at the president. Plus, it was a wonderful day and there was a magnificent view of the landscape.
When Austin was in line at a drug store waiting for his Coke, he momentarily had a light conversation about the weather with the customer in front of him, a well-dressed young man who mentioned that he worked at a book depository nearby and was on his lunch break. The young man was generous enough to buy Austin's Coke for him. They parted when they left the store.
Austin casually glanced at his futuristic MI6-issue millenium wristwatch to find to his horror that it was 12:28 PM. He had exactly two minutes to get back to the overpass and foil the assassination. He tossed his Coke into the nearest trashbin and again sprinted on tiptoe like the aforementioned track star.
He didn't dare look at his watch when he reached the overpass, for he immediately saw that Dr. Evil had been the mastermind behind the "magic bullet" whose legendary trajectory he had so often studied: it entered Kennedy's back, left Kennedy through the front of his throat, entered Senator Conolly's shoulder, shattered Conolly's wrist and then buried itself in Conolly's thigh before JFK's fatal headshot was fired.
Austin tackled Dr. Evil to the ground just as the "magic bullet" had risen to life and begun its path through the air toward the limousine carrying the President. In a struggle that lasted seconds, Austin had begun wildly pressing buttons on the remote control, which—to Austin's terror—sent the "magic bullet" careening out of control as it paved its trajectory that would be recorded in history books from that day forward.
In another split second, Dr. Evil had revealed his backup plan: he whipped a loaded revolver from his pocket and fired once in Kennedy's direction before pinching a pressure point behind Austin's neck (effectively knocking him out), jumping into his conveniently parked getaway car, and speeding away.
By the time Austin rose to consciousness, it was too late to do or say anything other than return to the present. The President had been murdered, and an arrest had been made. Armed with the knowledge of the true JFK conspiracy testament—and his hard-learned lesson that it is impossible to reconfigure history (for the inevitable will always inevitably happen)—he returned to 2000.
Endnotes
1 Also a way to exercise a certain degree of manipulation over government officials. The people listen to physicists because although they have no idea what the physicists are talking about, they still agree with whatever physicists say—their reasoning is that if someone is that wicked smart, they must be right.
2 It is a little-known fact that Austin was fond of American history and politics.
3 The Bristish version of the FBI.