Warning! Female character bashing.
I don't own any of the characters, of course. Although, if you sell me Sephiroth, I'll give up my body and my soul.
Yazoo decided that it was high time to just visit his next door neighbor on the Lifestream Avenue. Who happened to be…
The black mage from Final Fantasy IV.
Now, you might wonder what the heck the Black Mage was doing in the Lifestream. I mean, he isn't even in the same story. And now to come and think of it, if it's final fantasy, how come there's about a dozen? Concerning this, Sephiroth was getting confused. And he was only from seven! He wasn't the last final fantasy! How dare they! It was a travesty! How could Tetsuya Nomura do this to him! He was going to file a complaint!
He tried to calm himself. Hyperventilating was so not his thing. On the other hand, Yazoo was a good buddy of the Black Mage, who had an dishonorable name of Chuckley. It sounded like a name of the mouse rather than an evil mage.
"Hey Chuckley!" Yazoo called. The black mage poked his head out the door. The door was open, you silly.
"Whaaaaat?" he whined. Chuckley was always whining.
"Wanna go for a drink?"
"What drink? Everything is made of Lifestream here, Yazoo! The beer we drink, the food we eat… wait a minute, why are we eating?"
Yazoo stopped. That was a very good question. They were dead, and so why the heck were they eating? And come to think of it, where did Kadaj get the cookies? He was certain that Lifestream didn't sell chocolate chips. Otherwise he'd have eaten them all.
"Erm… we like to eat?" Yazoo hoped it was the right answer. Chuckley had such a temper sometimes. Whenever he was pissed off, he would always go "HADOKEN!" and then what were left were smithereens. I mean, who could be a nice, gentle guy with a name like Chuckley?
Chuckley snorted. Yazoo was an idiot. Kadaj was an idiot. Cloud was an idiot. Loz was an even bigger idiot. Sephiroth was a semi-idiot. Just because they had super graphics and that kind of crap didn't mean that the old school FF was dead. The gameplay still rocked, right? But everyone – even Yazoo – acted like they were superior. Bastards.
"Oh come on, my house is crazy!" Yazoo pleaded. "Please, please oh please oh please with bananas and cream and chocolate and strawberry on top with sprinkles and vanilla ice cream and…"
Black Mage, being from the pixelized world of the 1990s, had no idea what exactly bananas or creams or chocolates or strawberries or sprinkles or vanilla ice creams were, but Yazoo looked absolutely hilarious with his puppy eyes and a pout. He wanted to make things even funnier.
He produced a pixelized snake out of nowhere and threw it at the silver-haired gunman who made women drool. The pixelized snake perched its green unhappy self on top of Yazoo's head. And hissed.
Yazoo ran around screaming like a little girl.
Sephiroth heard Yazoo screaming and paid no attention. This was a dead-changing decision that had to be contemplated thoroughly. The females of Final Fantasy VII were definitely out. What about 10 and 8?
What about males? a nasty sly voice asked. You seem to be matched up with them often enough. How about Rufus? He's real pretty. Or Reno. His red hair must match his passion in bed. (Sephiroth gagged at this point.) Or Cloud? You seem to be matched up with him the most. Of course, his chocobo-ish brains and looks must attract even males...
Sephiroth had had enough. He grabbed his Masamune, and looked around for something to kill. Of course, there was Loz and Kadaj, who were fighting over who got the cookie crumbs, and Jenova, who still smelled of kiwis and bananas. It was going to be an insult to his katana if he stuck the poor thing in any of those three.
So he gave up. And went back to thinking.
Selphie. He thought she was okay, because he had never met her before and nor she him. However, he rather liked the name he had – Sephiroth, it had such a nice ring, didn't it? Add General and it was even cooler, as if that was possible – and Selphie sounded too like Sephiroth. Besides, Selphie reminded him of Yuffie, which meant annoying. Additionally, "Selphie and Sephiroth" sounded like a tongue twister. Say it thrice and you'll get your tongue in a knot. So no.
Any chick from the pixel age was definitely out. He didn't even want to imagine what a child of the 3D generation and pixel era was going to look like. Ew.
Rinoa. He already refused her.
Quistis. Maybe. But then, she was Squall's instructor, and just as usual, like all good guys, Squall was an idiot. If Squall, after instruction was still that dumb, Quistis was not a capable instructor or a smart woman.
Ultimecia. Now there was one sexy chick, our silver-haired Adonis thought while stirring his blackcurrent tea. She even had a hair that kind of looked like his! Being the brutally narcissistic and the intelligent one, he also had an ego the size of Midgar. He kind of was in a sick love with himself. Besides, she was evil, which meant she was smart. He put her on a mental hold.
Ellone. She had a weird ability that was about sending people back to the past or something, but what was use of that to him? He was already dead. Otherwise, she was Squall's "sis", and anyone related to Squall was an idiot. So out.
Edea. She was already married to a dude who ran a school. She also gave her powers to Rinoa, which was the 46th dumbest thing he had ever seen, following Cloud when he decided to dump his head in a bucket of glycerin after Zack said it will make his hair stand up permanently.
Adel. She was also dumb. She was tricked by a freaking dude who looked like Tseng, and she got frozen in space. She also lost control of Edea. Damn it, why were all females of Final Fantasy dumbasses?
Raine. Raine was dead, but that wasn't the problem. She was SQUALL'S MOTHER. Sephiroth suspected that Squall's idiocy either came from Laguna (very likely) or Raine (equally likely). His child (was it going to be a dead kid? Even with his brains he had no idea) had to be a smart kid, not like his so-called brothers who fought over who was going to get the last Doritos chip. No. Never!
Julia. She was the mother of Rinoa, and Rinoa was Tifa minus about 500000 IQ points. Besides, she dressed like an expensive hooker and she was married. So no.
Freya Crescent. No, no, and no. First, her last name sounded like his mother's, and he did not want to feel like he was "keeping it to the family", to put it in better terms. Second of all, she was a wererat! What if his kid had his ultimate facial beauty and a body of a rat? That was dreadful! Besides, she was a wuss.
Eiko looked like a kid. He was not a child molester. Out of question.
General Beatrix. Now there was a possibility. She was pretty enough, and she seemed not too stupid. The problem was, she was already drooling over Steiner… or was it Schooner? Whatever.
Queen Brahne was dead, killed by Kuja. That meant Kuja was smarter. So no. Similarly, Princess Garnet was out as well. She reminded too much of Aeris, and Sephiroth happened to hate that empty-headed pink-clad twit.
That left Lulu and Rikku. Rikku was out. She was a blonde, and he hated blondes. Rufus was a blonde. Elena was a blonde. Cloud was a blond. Blondes were annoying, and they were conspiring against him.
Lulu. There was a thought. But then, she was involved with Wakka. From the starters, Wakka's name sounded stupid. Second of all, Wakka was stupid. That meant Lulu was either overprotective (which he had enough of from Jenova) or she was an idiot as well.
That left… Ultimecia. Hmm.
He stood up from his seat, then went in front of the mirror. He carefully brushed his hair, trying not to rip out too many strands. His face was perfect, as usual, and his sexy leather armor thingy added to his metrosexual attractiveness.
Yes, he was ready to ask Ultimecia on a date.