A/N - Hey y'all thanks for the reviews! Alrighty well...this chapter is um, interesting? The last part of it is the beginning to the next chapter (Duh, I know that sounded stupid, but you'll get what I mean when you read it) Anywho, I hope you like it! Review and tell me whether or not it sucked.

Disclaimer - I do not own Instant Star

Chapter 23 - Taking my life

Jude and Tommy entered the hospital once again and Jude was in tears once again. It seemed like a never ending cycle. Everytime something good happened and everything seemed to be going okay..the rain started to fall and reality kicked in.

"Kwest, How is she? What did the doctor say?" Jude bombarded him with questions and Tommy just allowed her to do so. He squeezed her hand, trying to comfort her.

"He said it was just a mild heart attack. Stress and such caused it, she will be fine." Kwest assured, placing a comforting hand on Jude's shoulder.

"It's all my fault." Jude cried, bringing her hands to her face and smothering herself in tears.

"Don't blame yourself. With everything thats been going on lately..it's not your fault." Tommy cooed, now wrapping his arm around her waist and bringing her close to him. She rested her head against his chest and continued to cry.

Kwest watched and smiled uncomfortably. Tommy could see in Kwest's eyes that everything wasn't okay and it was more serious than he made it out to be. Yeah, he said everything would be okay, but there was a huge chance that everything wouldn't. But Tommy continued to hold Jude and rub her back, whispering soft, settle words in her ear. It was all he could do.

After she calmed down a little bit she turned around and wiped her eyes dry.

"Does Sadie know?" She asked, clearing her throat.

"Yeah. I told her before I called you." Kwest said.

Jude nodded and looked in the direction of her mother's room.

"Is she awake?" Jude asked, timidly. Kwest's mouth curved into a frown and he nodded.

"You can see her..the doctor said she was a little weak, but she's awake."

Jude tried to stare into the room through the window, but couldn't see anything. She was stuck standing there, she couldn't move. Of course she wanted to see her mom..but not in the condition she was in. How could anyone look at their mother in a hospital bed? It would be heart breaking.

Jude breathed in deeply and dropped Tommy's hand, walking towards the door.

She opened the door slowly and watched the light from the hall fill the room. Everything was dim and it was freezing inside. Her mother lay helplessly on the bed. Her eyes were closed, but Jude could tell by her breathing that she was awake.

"Mom?" Jude choked out, watching her mother's eyes flutter open and fall on her daughter. Victoria's eyes were glazed and distant. She said nothing.

Jude closed the door behind her and walked towards her mother slowly. To her it felt as if the walls around them were caving in and nothing else in the world mattered. It was her fault that her mother was in here. It was her fault, all the pain that she had caused the previous months..the previous year. It was all her fault.

Jude pulled a chair close to the bed and watched her mother look at her as if she didn't know her. She didn't know her. She wasn't the same Jude anymore. She was some horrible person now who cut and went to parties, getting drunk and almost sleeping with strange guys. She was the one who made the people who cared about her the most worry about her. She was the one who caused pain and suffering to her mother. She was not the same seventeen year old girl that everyone knew. She wasn't Jude Harrison anymore. She was a monster.

"Mom I'm so sorry." She broke down, leaning her head against the rail. Once again, no words escaped her mother's lips. The room was silent except for Jude's constant sobs.

-Outside the room-

"What's really going on?" Tommy asked Kwest who focused his attention on the floor.

"The doctor said it was pretty severe. I'm not sure what's going to happen. He also said that Vicky was in shock..I called Don, he should be down soon." Kwest explained.

Tommy ran a hand through his hair and watched the door that Jude had just walked through.

"They don't know if shes going to be okay?" Tommy asked.

"Afraid not." Kwest answered, sadly.

"I just hate that she blames herself." Tommy said, leaning against the wall and sticking his hands inside of his jacket pockets.

"I know man, I know."

-Back inside of the room-

Jude now had her mother's hand and was smiling down at it. She ran her fingers over her mom's knuckles and along her palm.

"I'm sorry." She would whisper over and over again as if her mother was going to embrace her at any minute and tell her everything was okay. That wasn't going to happen.

"I'm so sorry." She continued to cry.

A few moments later the door swung open and a man with a white coat walked in. He had glasses on and he was holding a clipboard.

"You must be Jude." The doctor said, walking towards her.

Jude wiped her tears away as best as she could and dropped her mother's hand.

"Yeah thats me."

"I'm Dr. Centil," He said, offering his hand. She took it and shook it slightly.

"This is your mom?" He asked, motioning towards Victoria. She nodded and crossed one hand over her chest and rested the other over it, bringing her hand to her cheek.

"Yeah, is she going to be okay?" She asked, timidly.

The doctor walked over to Victoria and checked her as he did earlier.

"She's still kind of out of it. It was a good thing she was already here when it happened..It could have been alot worse. What happens tonight determines whether she'll make it or not." He said, concern written all over his face.

Jude heard the uncertainty in his words. They weren't very convincing.

"But right now she needs her rest. Theres nothing you can do for her anyway." He said, wrapping an arm around her shoulders and guiding her out of the room. She didn't want to leave, but she wasn't about to resist a doctor.

After they were outside of the room the doctor nodded and walked down the hallway. Jude smiled weakly at Tommy and her eyes glistened with new tears.

"Tommy.I think I'm going to stay here tonight with my mom." Jude said as Tommy wrapped his arm around her.

"Jude no, you don't need to stay in this place. I'm already staying for Sadie and the baby. If I hear anything then I will call you and let you know." Kwest stated.

"I really think I should stay." Jude protested, looking up at Tommy.

"Girl, I think he's right. This isn't good for you." Tommy agreed.

Jude just nodded and hugged Kwest before leaving with Tommy. Before they left the hospital they stopped by the nursery and finally seen Jay. He was adorable, he had Sadie's eye's surprisingly.

The two drove home in silence.

Once they were finally back at Tommy's he cooked something quick to eat, but Jude declined and went to bed without eating. She cried herself to sleep and Tommy decided she needed some time alone so he let her do so.

It was around one in the morning when Jude sat up in her bed, sweating and gasping for air. She had another nightmare. This time her mother was in it. She didn't make it. But it was only a dream. Jude climbed out of bed and walked into her new bathroom, still panting. She turned on the light and looked into the mirror before her.

"God." She said to herself. Her hair was messy and her make up was smeared once again. She ran her hand under her eyes and wiped the eyeliner away and then washed her face.

She couldn't sleep anymore. Knowing the condition her mother was in..there was no way she could sleep..not peacefully anyway.

Jude turned off the light and walked out of the bathroom and into her room again. She grabbed her guitar from its case and opened her door quietly. All the lights were off and she could see Tommy sleeping in his room, his door was open. She smiled and walked passed his room and into the studio.

It took her a minute to find the light switch, but once she found it she settled herself on a couch and started to strum light, sweet chords on her guitar. The music came so easily that she was scared herself by it. They were just pouring out of her and soon..words were coming to mind and they escaped her quivering lips.

"Taking my soul

Taking my life

I can not breathe

Though i must take this self sacrafice

A world so cold so no one cares

No one will notice i'm gone

No one will notice I'm gone..

Screaming at the grave

Tearing at my life

The chance you never gave

Entering the sacred night

I reached out for your help

You pushed me back inside

Watching me collapse

Hearing my bones collide

Taking my soul

Taking my life

I say my last goodbyes to the world that never cared.."

Jude stopped playing and set her guitar next to the couch. That song possesed all of her misery, her pain..her truth. She couldn't help it if thats how she felt. She didn't want to feel that way, but everything was so messed up. If she didn't have Tommy to help her through everything, she probably would have killed herself a long time ago.

"Jude?" A deep raspy voice came from the doorway. Jude turned her head to see Tommy standing there, his hair slightly messy and his bare chest exposed. He was in his boxers and his eyes were half way open.

"Hey I didn't mean to wake you.." She said, wiping tears away.

Tommy came over and sat next to her, wrapping an arm around her.

"It's freezing in here. You're gonna get sick."

Jude smiled and kissed him passionately on the lips. After a few moments Tommy broke away.

"What was that for?" He asked, breathlessly.

Jude didn't say anything, instead she captured his lips again, this time more aggresively. Tommy eagerly accepted. She wrapped her arms around Tommy's neck and pulled his body closer to her. She was taking all of her emotions out on him. Anger, Sadness, everything she felt was pouring into him. She wanted to be hurt and she didn't care what she felt anymore. This was good for her. She did need this. She wanted this.

Jude's hands explored Tommy's back, running them over his muscles. They buldged out and curved perfectly under her palms. He was completely flawless; perfect in every way.

Tommy's hands held Jude's waist firmly. She positioned herself on top of him and his eyes flung open, reality finally started flooding in. He pulled from her and looked her in the eyes.

She gave him a weird look and she was very confused.

"Jude..we can't do this." He said, pulling her shirt sleeve up. It had fallen and her bra strap was exposed on her shoulder.

"What? Tommy, don't. I'm 18. We can." She assured, going in to kiss him again, but he stopped her.

"No girl, you're just upset right now. You don't need something else to add to the chaos." He assured, brushing her cheek lightly. She was shivering and her lips were quivering.

"Hey." He brought her into an embrace and the heat of his bare skin automatically warmed her. For a moment she just rested her head on his shoulder.

"Tommy?" She said, her breath nuzzling against his neck.

"Yeah?"

"I'm okay and I'm ready." She said, running her hand up his chest slowly, teasing.

If he would've had the strength to pull away..he would have, but he didn't. He just sat there letting her run her smooth fingers along his ribcage and up his colar bone.

Jude finally looked up at him and smiled, bringing a small smile to his lips as well. She captured his lips once again, first small and innocent. Her tounge outlined his bottom lip, asking for permission to enter and he quickly granted.

It started out innocent, but soon enough Tommy had Jude in his arms and he carried into his own bedroom, closing the door behind them.

A/N - WARNING: The next chapter MAY contain adult situations..heh..MAY...not sure yet. Still debating. If it does, don't be surprised because you have been warned. Thanks again for the reviews and Please review this chapter as well. :) Love you guys!