Stormclouds

by Girrlkitty

Carson Beckett must deal with his guilt and grief over the deaths on Hoff.

TITLE: Stormclouds
AUTHOR: Girrlkitty
STATUS: Complete
RATING: G
CATEGORY: General, angst
SUMMARY: Carson Beckett must deal with his guilt and grief over the deaths on Hoff
SPOILERS: Episode tag for Poisoning the Well, Season 1
WARNINGS: None
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I saw this episode a long time ago, and I guess this has been lurking in the back of my head, since it just popped out without warning. Thanks to Dee, who looked it over for me! Any and all errors are mine and mine alone.
ARCHIVE: Do not archive without the author's express permission.
DISCLAIMER: The Stargate, SGA, the Wraith, and all characters that have appeared in the series STARGATE ATLANTS, together with the names, titles, and back story, are the sole copyright property of Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Studios Inc., the SciFi Channel, and Acme Shark. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea, and the story itself are the sole property of the author.

He stared out the window, his view obstructed by the rain drops playing chase as they worked their way to drip from the sill. He wondered if they knew, when they began their brief journey, that a splash of death awaited them. The idea of raindrop suicide fit his mood.

Everything was wrong. When had that happened? It had seemed so easy, so perfect. There had been no warnings, no hints of trouble. Wasn't disaster supposed to come on you slowly, giving the dread time to build? Not this sudden cataclysmic change.

No, one day he had been happy, the sun shining. Today…well today the clouds had burst, and he could see no silver linings.

The door behind him gave off the faint swish, almost inaudible over the sound of the rain, that told him someone had come in. Intruded on his solitude. He didn't bother to turn and see who it was. He didn't care.

"It wasn't your fault."

He didn't respond. What could he say? He could protest, getting drawn into a debate of guilt and innocence. What purpose would that serve?

"Carson."

What good was medicine if it only took lives? She had trusted him. Believed in him, in the work they had done. And in the end it had not only killed her, it had killed thousands of others along with her.

"Carson, you can't ignore me forever. And I am not leaving until we talk about this."

Why wouldn't she leave him alone? What did she want from him?

A delicate, strong hand came to rest on his shoulders. "Fine, then you can listen."

She moved around into his view, blocking the window. Kneeling, she moved so he had to look at her face, resting both hands now on his legs. Why was she doing this? Why wouldn't she let him be?

"Carson, you could not have known what would happen. No one could have. They were determined to find a cure, and nothing was going to stop that. Even if you did hurry along the process, they would have come to it eventually on their own, with the same outcome. You said yourself they were close even before we arrived."

He turned his face away. Unwilling to face her, look her in the eye. She was wrong. They were close yes, but still years away at their current level of technology. If he hadn't sped the process, gave them the answer in the middle of the Wraith awakening, then maybe they wouldn't have been so desperate to use it, was ready or not.

Whatever Elizabeth said, their deaths were on his hands.

She reached out, forced him to turn his head and look at her. "Carson, It. Was. Not. Your. Fault. I can stay here and repeat it as many times as you need to believe it."

He tried to turn away again, escape those eyes, kind, caring, supportive. She wouldn't let him.

With a strangled sob, he broke down, fell forward. Arms circled his shoulders, held him silently as the grief was finally set free.

He didn't know how long they sat there like that, this quiet tears echoing the rain drops erratic path. Finally, though, he could grief no more, not like that. Elizabeth seemed to sense that, let him draw back.

There was no longer a need for words. She seemed to understand that he was past that, that now he just needed a few minutes to regain his composure. With a last lingering hand on his shoulder, she left him.

He looked down at his hands, knowing they had the power to heal, but now, also understanding they had the power to kill. It was not a lesson he had ever wanted to learn, but now… Now he would make sure it didn't happen again.

With a last sigh, he stood up. Grief or not, there was still work to be done, he knew. With a last look out the window, he saw a single beam of sunlight break through the clouds. It was gone again in the next heartbeat, but knowing it was there, that the sun would return eventually, that was enough for now.