So, funny story about this chapter's song, Infinity by Jaymes Young. When I started this story in May 2021, this was one of the first songs to come to mind as inspiration - in fact, the title of this book is from a line in the song. At the time, Infinity was a relatively unknown song I'd run across in a random Spotify playlist; I'd loved it since the first time I heard it!
Imagine my surprise when, a few months later, I heard my husband scrolling through TikTok (which I don't use!) and heard sections from Infinity cropping up. A lot. I was like, "hey, that's MY story's song!" :D I'm not upset about more people knowing about the song, though, it's absolutely beautiful. Especially if you've never heard the entire song, I'd encourage you to give it a listen!
Chapter 9 - Infinity
December 19th - 31st, 1901
The next days passed quietly, almost dream-like. The day after the inquest another blizzard rolled in, and they were snowed in for a few days without contact from the outside world. Their maid, Susie, had only been hired to come in days to cook and clean; thus, they had to fend for themselves until the snow melted. Thomas discovered that Edith was a poor chef, having virtually no experience. Luckily, Thomas had developed decent cooking skills over the years as one of the only two residents of Allerdale Hall, and he delighted in preparing meals for Edith and giving her rudimentary lessons.
The little dog grew to be an eager and loyal companion to them both. Edith had owned a few canines as a child and loved petting and playing with this one; in contrast, Thomas had never had a pet of his own before, and at first felt a bit awkward interacting with the creature. However, the dog thrived on any bit of attention, and after following Edith's example it wasn't long until the pooch regularly followed Thomas around and napped with its head in his lap. It had taken them quite a while to decide on a proper name; at some point Edith had laughingly suggested Rochester, and though it really was much too grand of a name for the admittedly silly pup, both of them agreed that the name was ironically perfect.
Christmas came just a couple days after the snow subsided enough to become passable. As neither Thomas nor Edith had gone out to the shops they didn't exchange gifts; however, Edith sang Christmas carols in her sweet, melodious voice, told tales of her childhood Christmases, and Susie came in the afternoon to prepare them a delectable roast with trimmings. It was a much different holiday than Thomas had ever experienced; Lucille had never wanted to celebrate Christmas at Allerdale Hall, so that day was treated the same as any other. This Christmas was full of laughter, light, and so much love that Thomas felt he could weep.
Sometimes, he did - though not always with joy.
Occasionally, the enormity of his guilt and loss would creep up on him suddenly, and Thomas would fall into a bleak depression that nothing would shake him from. He'd spent a lifetime trying to ignore the depths of his and Lucille's crimes, but after recently forcing himself to confront his wickedness he found himself recalling with increasing regularity the memories of his sinful passions and his complicity in the murders of those he'd deceived to their deaths.
Edith was so kind, so understanding when Thomas fell into one of his melancholy moods. She didn't press him to speak, just sat by his side, her head pillowed on his shoulder or their hands clasped. Sometimes she'd read or write next to him in companionable silence, other times she'd keep up a stream of chatter she didn't really expect him to reply to. Eventually his depressive mood would pass, driven away by Edith's light. Afterwards Thomas would bare his soul to his wife yet again, and each time Edith would reassure him of her love and forgiveness.
Thomas wasn't the only one with demons to overcome, of course. Edith had been deeply affected by the events of the past few months, and though overall she seemed to have moved past the horrors she'd experienced with a grace Thomas envied, she was unafraid to seek him out for comfort and reassurance when the memories were too much to handle. She was also prone to nightmares now, and Thomas had been awakened several times by Edith crying out in her sleep; when this happened he'd pad down the stairs and sit by her camp bed, taking her hand and whispering words of solace until she fell back into a dreamless sleep.
The Sharpes spent their days conversing, in one sense getting to know each other all over again - truly this time, with no secrets between them. Thomas found that sharing his innermost thoughts with his wife brought about a joy he'd never known before. To have a partner he could actually trust, one who wanted to know him deeply for no other reason than because she loved him and not because she wanted to take what he revealed and manipulate him with it, was intoxicating. In turn Edith also bared more and more of her inner self to him, and Thomas found her fascinating; he wanted to know everything about her!
They were both recovering from their injuries, slowly but steadily. A visit from Dr. Adams the day before the New Year officially cleared Edith to walk again without the crutches; he also declared Thomas's recovery extraordinary, and told them that besides the blindness in his eye, Thomas should make a complete recovery in time. His shoulder still pained him when he moved it too high, but the doctor gave him some exercises to do in order to regain his arm's strength and lessen the discomfort.
The evening the doctor had departed, Susie packed Edith's camp bed away and moved her clothes upstairs. Once the maid left for the night, Edith declared her intentions to retire early, and slowly scaled the staircase with Thomas supporting her - ostensibly in case her freshly healed ankle gave way.
"Do you know, I've never actually seen the upstairs bedrooms before!" Edith laughed as they ascended. Once they arrived at the master bedroom, with its cozy fire burning brightly, she exclaimed, "I love it! It's perfect, Thomas!" She moved through the room, running a hand over the plain furniture, eventually ending up next to the bed. She sat on the quilt, and as she sank down she let out a moan of appreciation. "Oh, this is so much more comfortable than the camp bed!"
Thomas stared from the doorway, suddenly nervous and terribly aroused. For all their conversations these past weeks, he'd studiously avoided talking about intimacy with his wife, hoping to avoid an uncomfortable conversation. Would she even still want him, after seeing him and Lucille together?
Edith stood up from the bed, seemingly oblivious to Thomas's discomfort. She moved over to the vanity and sat, unpinning her hair to let it fall down in the blonde waves he loved. Thomas finally moved into the room, shed his vest and took off his shoes and belt. He didn't dare get undressed more than that, lest he reveal himself with the evidence of his desire.
Apparently Edith had no such qualms, as she started undressing with her back still to him. Thomas's face burned with embarrassment and want as her shirt and skirt came off, then her petticoat, stockings, and shoes - and though he told himself he should, he couldn't have looked away if he'd tried. When she started pulling the laces on the back of her corset, she seemed to be having some trouble with the knot; looking back over her shoulder she called to him, "Thomas, can you come help me please?"
Swallowing, Thomas slowly approached her and picked at the knot. It came undone easily, to his surprise, and as Edith shed her corset he could see the outline of her body through the thin shift that was left. Bringing his gaze back up, he locked eyes with Edith's reflection in the vanity mirror, belatedly noticing little tilt to her head and coquettish smirk on her face. Thomas flushed deeper as he realized his wife hadn't actually needed help at all.
"Edith," he said cautiously, "are you trying to...seduce me?"
Turning her face to meet his stare, Edith's mouth quirked up even more as she asked, "That depends. Is it working?"
"Oh, you little minx!" Thomas exclaimed, laughing in shock, a bit of the tension he'd been feeling turning to mirth. "But, to answer your question...yes, it is."
Edith's smile widened, but Thomas knew her well enough to see the nervousness underneath. "Edith...are you sure you want this? You don't...you're not obligated. I don't expect anything from you."
Turning around fully, Edith stood and took his hands in hers. "Yes, Thomas. I want us to be married in every sense of the word."
Thomas felt a tear welling unbidden in his good eye. "Even after…?"
"You know, I have thought about this quite a bit," she replied, squeezing his hands. "I want you and you want me, Thomas," - she glanced down at his bulging trousers, knowingly - "and we're husband and wife. There's nothing standing in our way. You and Lucille, that's in the past - we don't have to let it dictate our future. We won't let her ruin this!" Her tone was fierce, protective, and Thomas felt his heart leap at her words.
"Although," Edith continued with a grin, "Do you know, I've decided there is one thing I'm grateful to Lucille for."
"What?" Thomas asked, bewildered.
"Well," Edith continued, "it's because of her that you have so much experience in these matters. Seeing as I have almost none at all...you'll just have to teach me, won't you?"
The surge of love, gratefulness, and desire that crashed over Thomas was instantaneous, and he crushed their faces together in a fierce kiss. They stumbled over to the bed together, Edith's hands finding their way under his shirt and Thomas's left hand grasping a breast through her chemise. They broke apart awkwardly as Edith tried to peel off his shirt and jerked his injured shoulder by mistake - "Better let me get this off myself, love," he remarked, and gingerly removed the offending article. Edith used that time as an opportunity to strip off her undergarments completely, and Thomas beheld her fully nude form for the first time.
"You're so beautiful!" he whispered, running his hands over her shoulders, her breasts, her stomach and thighs, everywhere he could reach. "I can't believe that you're here, that you want this!"
"I'm here, love. I want to see you, too," Edith stated, her hands going to his waist. She unbuttoned his trousers and pulled them down, then grasped his erection, giving a little "Oh!" of surprise as she did. "It feels so...odd!"
Thomas laughed nervously, then hissed as her groping hand stroked him a bit too enthusiastically. "Careful, love, it's...sensitive."
"Sorry," Edith mumbled, her tone telling him she was no such thing.
Stepping out of his trousers, he gave Edith a little shove and they both tumbled onto the bed. Suddenly a thought occurred to him, and he drew back slightly. "Forgive me for asking this, love, but...when do you expect your monthly bleeding?"
"It should come again any time," Edith replied, blushing a bit.
"Good," Thomas murmured, and he dipped his head back down to her sweet lips. His left hand snaked between their bodies as they kissed and caressed each other and made its way between Edith's thighs; he was gratified to find moisture there, and his wife gasped as he rubbed his fingers over her most sensitive part.
After a few minutes, Thomas ceased his ministrations and pulled back to look Edith in her chocolate eyes. "Do you trust me?" he asked earnestly.
"Of course," she panted back.
Thomas moved down Edith's body, littering kisses on her pert nipples and smooth stomach as he went. Hooking her legs onto his shoulders, he glanced up and gave her a suggestive grin, then lowered his face to her womanhood.
Edith gasped and bucked as Thomas laved with his tongue, and he pulled away just long enough to say, "Shhh, steady love, trust me." After several moments Edith quivered and shrieked as she found her completion, and Thomas pulled back with a satisfied smirk.
"Thomas, that was...unbelievable," Edith whispered, breathless. She tugged him up her body to kiss him deeply, uncaring of the dampness ringing his mouth. Pulling back, Thomas could see a fiercely determined glint in her eye as she declared, "Now I want to try."
Edith pushed him back onto the bed so he was sitting before her, unsure of her intentions. He quickly realized what she meant, however, when she bent before him and licked the tip of his member. Thomas gasped, jerking, and choked out, "Edith, you don't have to…!"
"It doesn't hurt, does it?" Edith retorted, and gave another swipe with her tongue that sent a pang of pleasure through him.
"No, but…" he trailed off, unwilling to continue.
"If you truly don't want me to, I won't," Edith said, pulling back a bit, "but I think you're enjoying it."
"No, it's just that...it's...unfamiliar," Thomas replied, a flush creeping up his neck. "Lucille always said it was...foul."
A hard, superior look passed over Edith's face, and she spat, "Well, I'm not Lucille, and I think it's wonderful!" Diving back down to continue, Thomas could only close his eyes and ride the waves of pleasure as she licked and kissed him until he could hardly bear it anymore.
"Alright, stop!" he finally squeaked, and Edith drew back to look at him questioningly. "My dear, I'm afraid if you don't stop now, this may be over sooner than you want," Thomas wheezed, giving her a weak smile.
Edith clearly took his meaning, and she beamed at him and sat back on her rear, legs spread invitingly. "Well, now that I seem to have taught you something as well, I think it's time for you to return the favor."
Thomas surged upward to meet her lips in a passionate kiss, pushing her back against the bed and guiding his erection to her center. He had to position himself a bit awkwardly to one side in order to not put much weight on his right arm, but he was determined to make it work. Thomas pushed in gradually, cognizant that this was only her second time. "Is this all right?" he asked softly.
"Yes, keep going," Edith smiled back at him, encouraging him to push into her fully. After a moment he started to move, slowly, and the sweet, sensual noises falling from her lips were the most wonderful sounds he'd ever heard.
Reassured by Edith's elated expressions and exploratory touches, Thomas sped up, and within a few minutes gasped out, "I love you!" as he came apart, face buried in her neck. Rolling to the side, he gathered her up into his arms and they lay in a close embrace, both sweaty and spent but unwilling to move.
As Edith snuggled deeper into his arms and let out a yawn, Thomas felt the wave of emotion he'd been riding come crashing down, and tears suddenly filled his eye. His breath hitched, and Edith stirred to look up at him, worry on her face. "What's wrong, my love?"
Thomas couldn't help the babbling words suddenly spilling from his lips. "Edith, thank you, thank you! I don't deserve this, don't deserve you. I can't believe how...how different this is, how different you are from her. This is good, this is right...I've never had this before. Never thought I could have any relationship outside of the twisted, dark thing between Lucille and I! I still can't believe this is real!"
Edith reached up to tenderly wipe his tears away as she whispered, "Well, I suppose I'll just have to spend the rest of our lives convincing you then!" and their lips came together once more.
January - February, 1902
Edith had read several books of a questionable nature over the years that her father certainly wouldn't have approved of - if he'd known about them, of course. The first she'd read at only seventeen - a medical textbook that included detailed drawings of male and female anatomy, and a clinical description of sexual intercourse. Her interest piqued, Edith had sought out - discreetly, of course - other books describing male and female relations, the thrill of uncovering that forbidden knowledge outweighing the sense of propriety she'd been taught. Frustratingly, most of what she had found were bawdy romances that cast women as nothing more than sex objects for men to enact perverse fantasies upon - and while she had no doubt that some relationships actually did work like that, she'd been certain that a truly loving husband would desire his wife's pleasure as well.
Thomas Sharpe lived up to all her fantasies, and more.
In the days and weeks that followed that first time of being together fully - emotionally, as well as physically - it was as if a whole new world had opened up to them; with the new year came exciting new experiences Edith had only read about, and a great many she hadn't, either.
Thomas did indeed know a considerable amount about intimacy, and Edith surprised both herself and her husband at her eagerness to learn. At first Thomas had been hesitant, afraid of pushing her too far or of her thinking the acts debasing. She quickly allayed his fears, reminding him that they were married, and were not all sexual acts between husband and wife lawful in the eyes of God and man?
So, Thomas instructed, and Edith studiously applied herself to the lessons.
Thomas showed her how many sensitive places there were on her body, and how wonderful they could feel when kissed, caressed, licked, and - on occasion - bit. He showed her the equivalent spots on his own body, and she learned how to kiss and caress them, fondling and nipping and tasting just so to make him writhe and shiver, and for the most satisfying groans to fall from his lips.
She learned there were a seemingly infinite number of positions their bodies could take as they coupled - and even more they would be able to try after Thomas was fully recovered. Some were sweet and gentle, others rougher and more primal, but Thomas made her feel treasured in them all; and, after they were finished, he'd kiss her gently and whisper delightful words of adoration and love into her ear.
Thomas even taught her how she could touch herself there, and he took a great deal of pleasure in watching her find her own completion; afterwards, he would surge up and join their bodies, and Edith was constantly amazed at how well they fit together, almost as if they had been made specifically for each other.
Edith wasn't the only one learning, however - to her joy, it turned out she had a few things to teach Thomas as well.
Like how to be reduced to a shaking, moaning mess as she brought him to completion with only her mouth, licking and stroking and sucking until he cried her name and came apart under her ministrations.
About the glories of cuddling totally in the nude, of falling asleep in each other's arms each night and pleasuring each other in the mornings when they awoke. Thomas confessed that Lucille had never liked snuggling after sex, or stripping fully, and Edith's eagerness to do both as often as possible amazed him.
Most of all, Edith taught him that intimacy didn't have to be accompanied by a sense of guilt and shame. Thomas acknowledged that although his conscience had numbed over the many years he and Lucille had been lovers, he'd always known their relationship was twisted in more ways than one. "But with you, Edith, I know our acts are nothing but pure, and they are all the sweeter for it! I love you, my wife!"
After one especially passionate night of lovemaking, Edith sleepily pondered their relations as they lay together in an exhausted embrace. I am certainly the most fortunate of women! she thought 'd heard enough gossip and whispered conversations before she'd met Thomas to realize that many women found the marriage bed to be a burden to be borne, not the unadulterated expression of love and intimacy that she and Thomas now shared. The last thought to filter through Edith's mind before she drifted off was, I can't believe they don't know what they're missing!