Author's Note: After repeated requests by many people, here is a 30 Ways on Orochimaru.
Dedicated to everyone who asked for a fic on hi,m. There've been too many to keep track of.
30 Ways to Make Orochimaru Bite You
1. Eat all his plums.
2. Watch Regency films at the loudest volume the TV will go to.
3. Paint his headbright bluewhile he sleeps.
4. Throw a "Surprise Birthday Party"… 11 months early.
5. Haggle his underwear to fan girls.
6. Forge lustful sayings about Tsunade's boobs in his journal and read them to random Sound nin.
7. Scream, "COME, OROCHI-KUN! IT IS TIME TO DANCE!", yank him up from his chair, and begin a waltz.
8. Carry around a lobster. Make the lobster "talk" and walk on his head.
9. Cry and demand he make a casserole with the remains of the lobster once he successfully murders it.
10. Hire Maito Gai and his youthful charge Lee to come and "cheer him up".
11. Make muffins, and cram them down his throat.
12. Stand on his desk with a wooden spoon in your hand for two hours.
13. At breakfast, suddenly snort and scream, and then shove the comics page into his face.
14. Final Fantasy Cosplay.
15. Shoot him in the butt with a suction dart gun.
16. Speak in internet terms. (W00t, L33t, DEHN, ROFL)
17. Sing Weird Al's "Jerry Springer Song".
18. Tape a picture of Hyuuga Neji to his arse.
19. When he goes to sleep, sneak into his room, place a bottle of Nasonex under his nose, and slam the little squirt button.
20. Whenever he stretches himself, poke him in the stomach and yell, "I can see your midriff!" (Thanks, Khazia.)
21. Fill all the showers in his fortress with Jello.
22. Hug him.
23. Tightly.
24. Dance up and down the halls of his fortress listening to your Ipod.
25. Knock him out, bound and gag him, and throw him into the ball pool at Chuckee Cheese's.
26. Share ice cream cones with his snakes.
27. Ring the doorbell to his fortress, then run away and hide in the bushes.
28. Sit at his shoulder when he's trying to do paperwork, and ask him personal questions.
29. Whenever he goes outside, walk behind him pointing at his butt, saying "Bu-TOCKS, Bu-TOCKS."
30. Bookmark a Oro/Kabu fan fiction that's rated M.
Orochimaru's Reaction:
"….-snort-. I would kill whoever did these things to me." the Snake Sannin giggled, reaching a hand to his mouth in a womanly fashion.
He suddenly gave a start. "What's an 'Oro/Kabu' fan fiction?"
Orochimaru typed his slender fingers onto the keyboard, entering the words "Oro/Kabu, Rated M" into Google. He clicked the Search button and folded his hands, waiting patiently. A few links appeared, and he clicked it eagerly, but of course not showing it on his face.
Seconds later, he squinted at the screen, his mouth forming the words silently. His slender yellow eyes widened, and he screamed very fan girl-icily.
Well, more went, "GAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" and fell backwards in his chair, spasming from a heart attack.
"Orochimaru-Sama?" Kabuto looked through the door. "OROCHIMARU-SAMA!"
In a horribly cliché motion, he ran over to his fallen master and checked the pulse of the man who was laying in a fetal position and whimpering. He double-took at the screen, and then pushed his nose.
"Teenage fan girls, eh?" he whispered soothingly.
Orochimaru shook his head, curling tighter into a ball.
A/N: Woo-hoo! Feel the wrath of teenage girl yaoi! It's eviler then thou, no?