This chapter's song is Brave by Zayde Wolf.

Chapter 12 - Brave

August 21, 1902

It had been just over two months since they'd moved to Sydney, and Edith couldn't believe how well they'd settled in already. In some ways she felt as though everything they'd been through had been nothing but a dream, and their real lives had always been here, together, just a couple in love with nothing else between them.

After they'd gotten settled into their new home, Thomas started to look for some kind of work that would utilize his skills in mechanics and engineering. Turning on the suave charm that Edith had first seen him use in his presentation to her father, Thomas was soon introduced to the man behind the electric tram lines that were under construction in Sydney, Mr. Douglas. The rather rotund older gentleman was delighted to hear Thomas's fresh ideas for the project, and hired him on the spot.

Thus, the former Sir Thomas Sharpe, Baronet, started his new life as a gainfully employed man. Edith told him how proud she was of him, and meant it; her father had obtained his wealth through many years of effort, and she knew how important being the breadwinner was to Thomas, given his past. It was an adjustment for both of them for Thomas to be working during the day, but Edith found she didn't mind too much.

Although Thomas said he would be willing to hire a maid for the house, Edith had insisted that she didn't need someone else to come cook and clean, and instead dedicated herself to learning how to keep her home. She'd purchased several cookbooks and a volume entitled Mrs. Beeton's Book of Household Management, and she'd very much improved in both areas. Thomas praised her meals heartily, even making a joking reference to Lucille's predilection to burn everything she cooked, and Edith's heart was glad to hear him allude to his past in such a light-hearted manner.

Edith had also started on a new novel - a typewriter had been one of her earliest purchases for the new house. Her first instinct had been to recall as much of her original book as possible in order to rewrite the manuscript Lucille had burned; however, after consideration, she'd decided to instead start on a new work inspired by the events of the past year.

She found it quite relieving to channel all of the memories and emotions of the fantastical events she'd experienced into prose. Edith hadn't yet told Thomas exactly what she was writing, as she wasn't quite sure that he'd approve. However, even if the completed novel never saw the light of day (for Edith would never publish it without his blessing), just the experience of writing it was bringing her much-needed closure.

Edith stood up from her writing desk and stretched, wincing as her back cracked - sitting hunched over a typewriter for hours was good for her mind, but not her body! Making her way downstairs, she started to pull out ingredients for the evening meal from the larder.

Their first anniversary - August the twenty-first - was today, although Edith didn't plan on mentioning it to Thomas and wasn't even certain if he'd remembered. She knew how much guilt Thomas still felt about the circumstances surrounding their marriage, and she was perfectly content without any acknowledgment of the date at all. Indeed, when they'd purchased their wedding rings they hadn't had their initials and wedding date engraved on the inside, as was traditional - instead, they'd had inscribed "Thomas & Edith Forever" on each of their bands. It had seemed a much more appropriate sentiment.

As Edith prepared supper, her mind wandered again to the one subject that had been coming up more and more often in her thoughts as of late; she'd tried many times to banish the topic to the back of her mind, but inevitably it'd pop up again when she least expected it. The truth was, Edith longed for children of her own. When she'd first married Thomas, she'd looked forward to the "someday" of little ones with their combined features. For obvious reasons those thoughts had quickly been abandoned, but now that they were settled into their new lives she found her mind turning there once again.

She hadn't mustered the courage to broach the subject with Thomas yet, unsure of how he'd react. He was always careful to spill outside her except for the times immediately around her courses, obviously to prevent her conceiving; Edith had never discouraged him from doing so, as she didn't want him to feel pressured into creating a child he didn't want.

The elephant in the room was, of course, that Thomas had already loved and lost a son. She'd kept the photograph of Edward she'd retrieved that last day at Allerdale Hall a secret from Thomas so far; he'd been so heartbroken when he'd described Edward's brief life and death, and Edith hesitated to bring up those painful memories for him. She was also afraid that Thomas wouldn't desire any more children now, and she didn't want to guilt him into saying yes for her sake only.

As she was putting the finishing touches on the meal, Edith found herself mentally preparing a script for finally mentioning her desires to Thomas. After all, what else am I waiting for at this point? Thomas seemed to have finally been able to put the past behind him, and rarely had one of his depressive episodes anymore…surely, he would be receptive to her broaching the topic now?

Just as she'd determined to bring the matter up with him that very evening, Edith heard the front door creak open. "Edith, I'm home!" she heard Thomas call, a jovial note in his voice. Actually, perhaps I'll wait another day, Edith mused, her resolve apparently not as strong as she'd thought. I don't want to risk ruining his good mood!

Thomas nearly bounded into the kitchen, a grin on his face. In his hands he held a bouquet of yellow roses, and eagerly thrust them out to Edith. "Happy anniversary, my dear!" he cried, leaning down to kiss her as she took the flowers.

When he pulled away Edith's face must have been shocked, for Thomas smiled as he stated, "I know you probably forgot about the date, Edith, but one year ago today we were married!"

"I know!" she chuckled, "But I was certain you had forgotten!"

"And you weren't going to even mention it, were you?" Thomas scolded, a grin betraying his levity.

'Well, no, I thought…" Edith began, but Thomas cut her off.

"No matter the circumstances, my love, this is still the day we were wed, and it's worth celebrating!" he exclaimed. "Besides," he leaned forward and placed his arms on either side of her waist on the counter behind, trapping her in, "any excuse to ravish you is worth it!"

Edith was well past the point of blushing at such indecent speech, and she grinned in anticipation. "You cad! But first, husband…I've spent a long time on this meal. Let's eat first, please?"

"Mmm, yes, we'll need to keep up our strength I suppose," Thomas rejoined with a smirk.

Much later that evening, Edith lay twined in Thomas's arms after he'd made good on his earlier promise. "I love this," he murmured, running one hand through her hair while the other drew lazy circles on her hip. "I wish...I wish we'd come here sooner. We could have come here from America, never gone back to England at all. We could have -"

Edith placed a finger over his lips, and Thomas fell silent. "It's no use dwelling on 'might have beens,' love. Let's just focus on the future now. You and me, here, together."

"You're right," Thomas sighed, giving her a small smile. "I still can't believe you're here, with me. You're all I'll ever need, Edith."

Edith's face seemed to fall a bit at these words, and Thomas felt a pang of anxiety run through him. What had he said wrong? He knew Edith wouldn't fly into one of Lucille's furious rages if he'd said something she disagreed with, but the habit of wanting to appease his partner at all costs wasn't easily broken. "What did I say?"

"Nothing!" she was quick to reassure him. "It's just that…" Edith trailed off into uncharacteristic silence, a sure sign of her anxiety.

Heart speeding up, Thomas sat up and turned so he could see her whole face with his single eye. "Is there something wrong?"

Sitting up likewise, Edith gazed at him solemnly, her hands absentmindedly twisting the corner of their quilt. "Well...there is something I've been meaning to talk with you about, but I haven't been sure how to bring it up. Now is as good a time as any, I suppose." She took a deep, steadying breath. "Thomas…do you ever want children? With me?"

A wave of emotion rolled over him, and Thomas swallowed. Edith was looking at him with such hope that he was absolutely certain she wanted children, and he knew the easy answer would be to agree wholeheartedly. However, he'd promised not to lie to her, and he intended on keeping his word.

"I...don't know."

That obviously hadn't been the answer she'd wanted to hear, but Edith nodded anyway. "Well, at least that wasn't a 'no.' Is there...that is, can you tell me why you don't know? Is it only because of - because of Edward?"

Hearing his son's name spoken aloud sent a pang through Thomas's heart. "That's the...biggest part of it, yes. Losing him was...the most pain I've ever felt in my life. What if it were to happen again? What if I can't have a healthy child? I don't know if I could stand the heartache again. I miss him so much!"

"Let me show you something," Edith suddenly blurted, and slipped out of bed to rifle through the drawer containing her stockings. From the bottom she pulled a small rectangular object, then bounded back up onto the bed and held it out to him.

Thomas took the photograph of Edward with trembling hands, and the image blurred as he let out a small noise. The tears kept coming as he stroked the still image gently, and he felt Edith's arms come around him as he wept.

Eventually he calmed enough to choke out, "How? Where did you…?"

"I took it from Allerdale Hall, that last day we were there," she replied. "I thought...you may want it, someday. Was I right, to take it? Should I have left it there?"

"No, thank you for saving this!" Thomas cried. "Lucille was the one that...that never wanted any images of Edward displayed. She forbade me from keeping his picture next to my bed, as I wanted. I think she wanted me to forget he ever existed! As if I could…" He started weeping silently again, and turned this time to bury his face in Edith's hair.

They stayed like that for minutes, until Thomas stopped heaving and could think more clearly. He'd loved his son, and deeply mourned his loss - but knew that though Lucille might have dealt the final blow, Edward had been doomed from the start. Any child he and Edith conceived would likely be healthy; Edward had been so sickly because of his and Lucille's blood relationship, but he and Edith had no such perversion between them. Am I really still such a coward that I'd deny Edith the chance to have her own children just because of my past hurt?

"Edith," Thomas started, pulling back to stare intensely into her eyes, "I know now. Let's do it. I want to have children with you, Edith."

"Thomas - are you sure? I don't want you saying that to appease me. Is this what you really, truly want?"

"Yes, Edith. All my reasons for not wanting to are based on fear. And I'm still - still very afraid, of so many things. What if the child dies? What if I can't be a good father? What if you die while birthing the child?" Thomas squeezed his eye shut, then opened it again. "But I can't live like that anymore. That's how I lived with Lucille - always afraid, always expecting the worse. You taught me how to be brave, Edith, and I can be brave about this too! Besides…" he ran a lock of her unbound hair through his fingers, "I'd love to have a child with your golden hair. A little girl, perhaps…"

"Hmm, I'd quite like a son with your dark locks, Thomas. And those wonderful curls!" Smiling widely, Edith pulled at an errant ringlet hanging in his face and let it bounce back, then smiled coyly up at him. "You know, now that we've made up our minds to try…should we start?"

"Start…?" Thomas began, then took her meaning and the corners of his lips turned up. "If that's what you wish, my dear."

"It is, very much, husband."

September 1901 - January 1902

To Edith's great disappointment, her cycle came on time a couple weeks later. And again the next month, then the next, and the one after that as well.

She'd done her research, of course; she'd purchased a book entitled Preparation for Motherhood, which (among other things) detailed the biological processes that allowed for conception to take place. However, the book was written in the too-delicate language that characterized most books aimed at women, and Edith tossed it to the side with a sigh after fruitlessly searching through it again for the information she sought. Why didn't the book talk about what happened if conception didn't happen, despite plenty of, ah, opportunity?

Although she hadn't voiced her dismay to Thomas yet, she could tell he was disappointed as well. Every time her bleeding started again, he'd reassure her that it could take time, that surely it'd happen the next month...but they were now going on the fifth month of hoping for pregnancy, and she was moving from frustrated to concerned. Was there possibly some underlying reason for her barrenness so far? What if they couldn't conceive? Would that even be so bad, really?

Edith loved her life here with Thomas otherwise. They shared a level of closeness between them that Edith was quite certain was unusual among most married couples, at least in her experience. She supposed that having gone through so much together and sharing their darkest secrets with each other had given them a unique, unshakable bond.

Slowly but surely, Thomas was coming out of the shell he'd been living in for the past decade, unlearning the habits he'd cultivated living with Lucille. Edith valued his opinions and wanted their conversations to be between equals; Thomas had learned that he didn't always have to defer to her, and Edith encouraged him to be forthright with his own desires. Finally given a chance to flourish, Thomas had proven to be a great conversationalist and knowledgeable on many subjects, and their evenings were spent speaking together on a large variety of topics.

Thomas worked hard to provide for them, and was proud of the fact that they were living day-to-day on his money alone now. They'd decided to invest in a few promising ventures with some of Edith's remaining finances, and stood to receive a substantial amount back from them if they succeeded.

On weekends Edith and Thomas explored Sydney and the surrounding areas together. They'd gone sea bathing in the harbor several times now since summer had arrived, laughing and reveling in their freedom. The first time they'd put on their new bathing outfits and made the excursion to the shore, Thomas had broken out in a boyish glee Edith had never seen him display; they'd run through the sand and kissed in the waves, and she loved seeing her husband so carefree.

They'd celebrated their second Christmas together last month, and it had been a joyous occasion as they celebrated in each other's company and fed each other Christmas cake. Edith had been moved to tears by Thomas's gift to her, an intricate mechanical musical box he'd made that opened up to reveal two delicately carved, painted figures - one in a dark suit, the other in a bright yellow gown - spinning around, a candle clutched in their little wooden hands. Thomas had been likewise touched by Edith's gift to him, a pocketwatch engraved with "Love you to the end of time." She'd never been able to resist a good pun, after all.

So why did she still long for something - someone - more?

Although she tried to hide it, Edith's despondency must have shown through. That evening Thomas was more attentive than usual, and as they lay entwined in bed that night he whispered into her hair, "My love...I'm sorry. I know how much you - we - want a child. Maybe...there's something wrong with me, that my seed hasn't taken yet."

"I doubt it...it's much more likely there's something wrong with me," Edith replied morosely. "I think that, perhaps, I should visit a midwife. Have an examination. See if anything can be done."

"There's nothing wrong with you, darling!" Thomas exclaimed. "There couldn't be. You're perfect." He kissed the top of her head, and Edith snuggled deeper into his embrace. "But if it will make you feel better, then yes. Go to a midwife, see what she says."

Edith's visit to a local midwife the next day yielded no clear answers, however. The older woman examined her private area and felt her womb, and said that everything seemed normal. "Sometimes it just takes a while, child," the midwife declared, "be patient! It takes some couples years to conceive, while others have so many children they can't keep up with them all. I'm sure it'll happen sooner or later!"

When she arrived back home, Edith decided to put the matter out of her mind as well as she could. She was happy, so happy here with Thomas, and was determined not to let discontentment over her non-existent child ruin her joy. Seating herself at her writing desk, she threw herself into the next chapter of her book; she'd been feeling uninspired recently, but now a fresh idea occurred to her and she simply had to get the thought onto paper!