Author's Notes: WHOOOO. It's been a long time since I've uploaded anything, ne? Well, this one's a big sucker, and I've been working on it for some time. It's one-shot, and I'm really, really proud of it. Best I've written in a while. :D
Rating: PG13, for a mild looooove scene.
Cloud/Aeris romance warning. If you don't like that pairing, don't read this one:o Though don't worry, I don't bash Tifa. XD On with the show!
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I was born to die.
No, I suppose that's not quite right. In the broadest sense, everyone is born to die one day. I was born to be a sacrifice.
From the day I was born, this was the fate that was sealed to me. I remember, even when I was young, the Planet telling me my prophecy, and that there wasn't anything I could do to change it.
I would become the last of my race; humans would try to experiment on me, the very people that would leave me an orphan. My fate was inexplicably intertwined with these people, those of ShinRa. They also had the Calamity From the Skies, my foil, the one I was destined to face off against.
When the time was right, I would meet a man who would lead me into the heart of the Planet's strife. This man would fall in love with me, and I with him.
But it wasn't to be, because...
...because too soon after, I would have to give my life to the Planet.
It was unfair. I ignored it for as long as I could, until that terrible day...
It was a day much like any other in Icicle Inn; cold, overcast. My father, the brilliant scientist who had been employed by ShinRa, had hidden us in this far northern town for fear of the company finding us and turning us into test subjects - my mother Ifalna, the last living full-blooded Cetra; and myself, a half-blood, whom they were sure they would be even more interested in.
I hadn't known he had done anything illegal. I was so young then, I can barely remember...I knew that something was wrong, because Daddy was so quiet that morning. Mother was as well - had she known? - and she was busy trying to get me dressed into something warm. There was a knock at the door, a forceful one, and my mother's eyes filled with horror and tears as she looked at my father.
The next few minutes - or was it seconds, even? - went by in such a blur that I can barely recall them. I remember that the door had been broken down, and men in blue uniforms stormed in. My father shouted for us to run...there were unfamiliar bangs (gunshots, I was later to realize), and my mother screamed, scooping me into her arms as she ran from the house with me.
The other townsfolk had come outside at the commotion, and the resulting confusion was just enough to make our escape easier. It was a painfully slow process, making it down the snow fields...the wind was bitingly cold, and I was chilled even being held so close to my weeping mother.
I must have fallen asleep at some point, because the next thing I knew, we were on a train bound for the city of Midgar. I was held on my mother's lap, and she looked exhausted. The few other people on the train looked so wary, though, that I was put on edge. That was when I noticed it...her hand was pressed to her side, and that hand was stained in blood. I'd never been more scared in my life. I started to cry, almost hysterically, begging her not to leave me. She only weakly assured me that it was all right.
She died when we reached Midgar, right there on the train platform. Others had passed us, they could have helped...but I quickly learned that sympathy and generosity were not traits of the people of the city. Only Elmyra came.
I was terrible to her at first, I admit that. I screamed at her, lashed out so often. I cried, demanding that she return my mother and father to me.
I was only seven, and I hated everything. I hated the dirty slum I was forced to live in, I hated every person who lived there. I hated the Planet that told me all of this in advance. I decided then that I would rebel against my fate, as hard as I could.
Gradually, however, things did become easier. Through all her patience and love, I was able to find a bit of happiness through Elmyra. She and I found an abandoned church in the same sector of the Midgar slum that we lived in, where flowers grew in my presence. That seemed...ironic, to me. These flowers bloomed so strongly, born of the Planet that I hated. Were they trying to appease me? It was as though Fate was mocking me, waggling life in front of me, knowing that one day it would tear that very life from my unwilling hands.
I spoke none of this to Elmyra, and it was decided that we would sell the flowers. This satisfied me; it was a way to resist, to mock Fate as it mocked me. The Planet produced life, and I would sell that.
However, my self-satisfaction only went so far. When taken to that basic level, I was no better than ShinRa: those who sucked the very life blood from the Planet to sell to the highest bidder. These thoughts plagued me in my long sleepless nights. Eventually, I stopped thinking of selling the flowers as a rebellion, and more as a way to keep Elmyra and I as comfortable as possible.
It was the very day that I decided this that I met Zack.
I was seventeen and running my usual sales route, which at that point found me near the train station of Sector Four. I noticed him right away - he stuck out so plainly from the usual MPs of SOLDIER that I was used to seeing in the city.
Ironically, I hated him the second I saw him. He was arrogant, and seemed so very proud to be working for that despicable company. I can't, however, deny that he was attractive (and nor could he, the thought of which now brings a smile to my face).
I still remember the casual way he sauntered over to me from his group of MP buddies, waggling an eyebrow at me with a carefree grin as he said, "Hey, nice flowers."
Some introduction, wasn't it? Though I was mildly irritated then, it's amusing to me now.
Since sales hadn't been going at all well for me that day, I put aside any ill will and smiling warmly, lifting the basket at my arm. "Do you like them? They're only one gil each."
"A beautiful bloom from a beautiful woman...how could I possibly resist?" How impossibly suave, came the sarcastic thought. I couldn't help but laugh, but in hiding it behind my hand, I managed to pass it off as girlish and cute.
His grin widened, and he pulled from his pocket a 500 gil piece. "I'm afraid I haven't anything smaller...and I doubt you have five hundred flowers there, so I'll just take two, and you can keep the change."
I must have nearly fainted, I think. Making even 50 gil in one day was considered extravagant for me; to bring home 500 was practically unthinkable. I stuttered like a fool for a few moments, insisting that it was too much and I couldn't possibly accept it, but he only brushed off my modesty with a wave of his hand. Trembling, I gave him the two prettiest flowers I could find in my basket - peach roses with white-tipped petals and short, thornless brown stems.
Still grinning, he placed one behind his ear and winked at me as a farewell, carrying the other between his fingers as he turned his back and casually walked back to his group. They clapped him on the back and chuckled with him, and I wondered just what had taken place. A bet? A dare? It didn't bother me, either way. He was only an arrogant SOLDIER with money to burn and an excess of personality, after all.
If it had been left at that, I probably never would have thought of him again. I cut my route short and went home early, with the 500 gil tucked safely in the inner breast pocket of my jacket. Elmyra had much the same reaction that I had - that is to say, much stuttering and exclamation.
We decided that it would be best to save the money for emergencies, and I quickly made my way to the church to hide it in the makeshift safe-box I had found - a loose floorboard just to the side of the flower bed that when pried up, formed a small shallow hole. I dug into the earth beneath the floorboard and placed the coin down, burying it and patting it smooth before reseting the board.
At this point in my life, I had gotten pretty good at blocking out the voices of the Planet, but now they came strongly. Frowning, I listened to their warnings to not get involved with other people than whom I should, not to deviate from my path.
Were they talking about the man I had met earlier?
My rebellion rose in me again, and with all my might, I shut out those voices.
I wasn't supposed to associate with him; therefore, he was not the man of my prophecy.
I would make him love me. I would learn to love him as well. If I was with him, then I couldn't very well meet and fall in love with another man, now could I?
Oh, I was so naive...
It went fine at first, I suppose...I saw him the next day, and after we talked for a bit, he took me up to the Plate for dinner in a nice restaurant.
It was nice. It had been years since I had seen the sky, and I marveled at it. Zack seemed shocked that I actually lived in the slums.
"You live down in that dirtpile?" he asked in sincere surprise, something I came to like from him. The way he said it wasn't offensive, but more out of concern.
"It's not so bad," I answered, "But it really would be better if ShinRa hadn't set everything up this way."
"Yeah, I know."
That surprised me. I had expected him to defend the company he worked for, but none of it.
"You know, I didn't join SOLDIER because I wanted any of this...I don't like ShinRa much, but I wanted to do something to help people. That's what I always thought SOLDIER was about." Pausing, he laughed and shook his head, continuing, "Man, why am I telling you all this? I barely know you. I just feel at ease around you."
I smiled, possibly the first genuine smile I had given him. "I feel the same."
We dated fairly casually, though after a while, he was calling me his girlfriend and had met Mom. I really did like him, and we were very comfortable with each other.
About a month after we were "official", he was called away on a mission. I still remember the last moments we shared together; very easy and lighthearted, as we always were. We were sitting on the roof of my church, basking in the thin ray of sunshine that filtered down from a crack in the plate.
"It's pretty routine," he had said with a shrug and a grin, "Though a bit strange, I guess. They're having some trouble with the reactor near Nibelheim."
"It's a reactor problem? Why send a SOLDIER First Class to a malfunctioning reactor?" Laughing, I leaned my head on his shoulder, "Guess you guys really are out of a job, aren't you?"
"Aah, so cruel," he mock-pouted, then laughed with me.
"Do me a favor and just destroy the thing, will you?" I was only partially kidding - he knew of Mako being the life-blood of the Planet, and we were both violently opposed to it. Despite my lingering hatred for the fate they had written for me, I didn't want the Planet to be destroyed.
"You know, we probably could with sheer manpower," he said, raising an eyebrow, "That's the other odd thing. Sephiroth is coming with us. I mean, Sephiroth. The guy's the top of the top, so why are they sending him? That's the thing that's putting me on edge."
"That is strange...what do you think?"
"It's probably monsters," he said, "I've heard that malfunctioning reactors can turn local animal life into grotesque monsters...you know, Mako poisoning."
I nodded with a small affirmative sound, and we remained comfortably silent for a few moments. These were my favorite times with him - we didn't have to say anything, or even necessarily do anything, and we were completely happy just enjoying the other's company.
"You'll come back?" I asked after a long time; not in an accusing manner, more just curious.
"'Course I will. I mean, you're my girl."
We didn't say anything more, nor did we say goodbye when he had to leave. We only embraced, and wished each other well until he returned.
I never saw him again. I knew something had happened to him - it came to me all in a wave one day while I was tending to my flowers. I didn't know if he had died, but I knew that something terrible had happened to him, and I would never see him again.
My grief overwhelmed me, and I fell to my knees. Was it my fault? Did it happen to him because I had gone against my fate? I couldn't stand it.
I cried heavily for days after I felt it, unable to be consoled by Mom. I was convinced that it was my punishment, and that if I were to deviate again, the same thing would happen.
Gradually it stopped hurting, but I felt that it had left a wound on me that would never heal. Even now, I can't honestly answer whether I was truly in love with Zack or not - what I do know is that we were kindred spirits of some sort. His presence was natural to me, like he was an extension of my own self. Having that part of myself torn away from me, I think I was left a different person. Not necessarily bitter, or despondent, but fundamentally different, as though I had lost an arm or a leg.
The years following Zack's disappearance passed slowly, and I was able to return to my normal routine of life. I felt as though my fate was creeping up on me, but I no longer did anything to stop it from happening. The only way I could go about it now was taking my life one day at a time, and appreciating it for what it was.
It was a very usual morning when a bomb was set off in the Sector 1 Mako Reactor, and I knew that it was the start of everything. In the ensuing panic, I was knocked down on the street. The danger wasn't immediate, so I just brushed it off and pulled myself up.
When my eyes rose to meet the man walking towards me, the only thought that had come to mind was, "Why did he dye his hair blonde?"
But...no, it wasn't Zack.
My heart thudded dully in my chest as I gazed at him. This was the one, the man of my prophecy, I knew it. Was it some sort of cruel joke? Why did he look so much like Zack? Right down to the uniform and the massive blade, he was almost an exact replica. The only difference was the hair, in that bright shade of blonde.
However, I could immediately sense the difference in their demeanors. Where Zack had been smooth and fun-loving, this one was stoic and let on nothing. But...I could see a glimmer of something beyond it, as though his coolness was just a mask.
Just as Zack had bought a flower from me five years earlier, this man did the same. However, unlike with Zack, I felt an electric shock run through me when our fingertips brushed. I knew then, as I looked into those bright Mako-infused eyes, that I would love him. I would love him with all the strength in my soul, love him with a violent passion that would tear me apart if I wasn't careful. A small cynical voice in me told me that it was only a self-fufilling prophecy, but I knew now that there was nothing I could do about it. I bid him good day, and watched him walk off toward the train station.
I wasn't at all surprised that the next bombing of a Mako reactor, this time in my own Sector Five, was what brought him to me again. It was, however, something of a shock for him to crash through the roof of my church and land practically in my arms.
Unconscious, he mumbled incoherent words. I tended to him as best I could, making sure no bones were broken - none were, which surprised me - and repositioning him to a more comfortable stance. If I hadn't known better, I would have thought he was only sleeping.
He was beautiful, remarkably so. The watery sunlight that came from that crack in the Plate seemed to illuminate him to the point where he didn't even seem human anymore, but an angelic apparition. I felt a strong urge to embrace him, and I didn't know why. Instead, I lightly shook him.
"Hello?" I called lightly, almost afraid of disturbing him, "Hey, are you all right?"
Slowly, he roused himself, and those blue eyes opened to the world again. Blinking slowly as though he wasn't sure where he was or what had happened - which, now that I think about it, I'm sure he didn't - he sat up and shook his head to clear it.
"You're awake!" I said in good humor, smiling cheerfully, "What a start you gave me, crashing through the roof like that. Are you okay?"
He looked at me, then up to the broken roof, and back down at the flower bed. "I fell?" he asked, shaking his head again, "Mm. I'm sorry about the flowers."
He seemed so confused for a moment that I wasn't sure he was even there. His body certainly was, but his mind seemed somewhere else altogether. However, it passed quickly, and when he pulled himself to his feet, he had regained himself.
"So, we meet again." It was a strange thing for me to say, I know, but I couldn't think of a better way to begin introducing myself. Hoping to come off as carefree, I smiled, tilting my head and asking, "You do remember me, don't you?"
He studied me for a moment, then said, "Yeah, I remember you...you were selling flowers."
A rush of joy unexpectedly hit me at his recognition, and I smiled widely. I told him my name, and he told me his...Cloud Strife. Odd a name as it was, it fit him so perfectly that I couldn't picture him having another.
I asked him to be my bodyguard at the expense of one date - I was curious, actually, as to whether I could get him to smile or not. He did, shaking his head in a good natured way at me. It made me feel hollow inside...he was so like Zack, it was uncanny. As I had suspected, his smile was Zack's.
I soon met his friend, Tifa. I won't go into the details of it, but it was an amazingly funny experience. Cloud looks good in a dress; we've teased him about it ever since.
Tifa is a wonderful person. She's kind and strong, the kind of person I look up to immensely. She's stunningly beautiful as well, more so than I could ever be. She is also fiercely protective of Cloud, as she is a childhood friend of his.
And yet...I couldn't help but wonder. They were definitely friends, there's no mistaking that, but I wondered if they go so far back. They seemed to - their stories coincided, but...there was something wrong that I couldn't put my finger on. It seemed as though there was a sort of rift between them, though not an emotional one...this will sound strange, but it was as though there was a rift in reality between them. As though they could be right next to each other and be in two completely different worlds.
It was so soon after our meeting that Shin-Ra decided to bring down the Sector Seven plate.
I knew that this was for two reasons - the obvious being to squash out the "rebel faction" of AVALANCHE, the group that Cloud and Tifa belonged to. The other reason was to give the Turks the opportunity they needed to finally capture me, the last remaining Ancient.
"Marlene," Tifa groaned, staring up at the pillar leading to the bottom of the plate in despair, "We have to go help Barret, but Marlene..."
"Marlene?" I had asked.
Turning to me as though she was startled that I had been there, and with desperation in her eyes, she seized my arm, almost painfully. "Aeris! There's a bar called the Seventh Heaven not too far from here. There's a little girl there, Marlene..."
"I'll make sure she's safe," I assured her, placing my hand on hers. She nodded, gratefully, and I ran to find the Seventh Heaven.
It was a hard-to-miss building, bright and garish. I rushed inside and found the small girl huddled in the corner, trembling. Brown eyes wide with fear, she asked, "Where is my Daddy? Where's Tifa? What's going on?"
I crouched beside her, my heart going out to her. I'll never forget the way she looked at me so imploringly, reaching her arms out for me in a display of heartwarming trust. "My name is Aeris, and I'm a friend of Tifa's. She sent me here to protect you. I'm going to take you somewhere safe, all right?" I whispered to her, scooping her up in my arms.
"A-all right," she said with a sniffle, wiping her eyes.
"Now listen to me, Marlene - it's going to be scary when we get outside, so I want you to just close your eyes and hold onto me. Don't open your eyes until I tell you it's okay, all right?"
"I won't."
She clung tightly to me around my shoulders, shutting her eyes tightly. Not wanting to waste time, I hurried out of the building and down the street.
The sound was terrible, that screeching of metal against metal, but still I ran. I knew I could get the poor child to my mom, and there she would be safe. Darting through the back alleys I knew well, I found myself nearing the border to Sector Five.
"Stop."
That voice was one I knew well, and it chilled me. Without turning to face him, I could feel the gun in his hand, and the guns of perhaps two other SOLDIERs aimed at me - no, probably aimed at Marlene, now that I think about it - and I slowed to a stop, clenching my teeth.
"What's wrong? Why did we stop?" Marlene asked quietly. Bless her, her eyes were still closed.
"Tseng," I muttered, shaking my head, "This is not the time."
"Isn't it?" he asked with a note of amusement in his tone, "Because, you see, we thought this was the perfect time."
Turning to him, I whispered to Marlene, "Keep your eyes closed, dear," before looking at him and scowling.
"Oh, what's that look for, Aeris?" he asked in a false melancholy, "It's not nice to see your pretty face all scrunched up in anger." The gun cocked, and he grinned. "You're coming with me now."
"Wait," I said, glancing to the girl in my arms and sighing heavily, "At least...let me take this girl to my mother. Please. I'll go with you if you let me do that."
"So honorable," he said, lowering the gun with a strangely amiable shrug, "All right, you can take her where you want. We'll go with you. You know, an armed escort."
I scowled again, wisely turning back around so he wouldn't see it. "Thank you," I said in the most pleasant voice I could manage, which I imagine still came out tight and angry. Without another word, I continued walking in the direction of our home.
We soon arrived, and my mother had come out to greet me, only to be shocked by the Turk and his SOLDIERs flanking me. "It's all right," I told her, shaking my head as a warning to not do anything to provoke them. Shifting Marlene in my arms a bit, I gently told her, "All right, Marlene, you can open your eyes now."
She did as she was told, her inquisitive brown eyes taking in our home. "Flowers," she murmured, smiling, "There's so many flowers here."
"I grow them," I said with a smile, and she smiled back.
"Hurry it up, Ancient," came Tseng's voice from behind me, and I bristled. I carried Marlene forward to Mom, and we transferred her between us. "Marlene," I said, "This is my mom, Elmyra. She'll be really nice to you until your dad and Tifa can come and get you, all right?"
"Okay, Flower Lady," she said with a giggle, hopping down and running into the house.
"Aeris," Mom said quietly, shaking her head.
"Please, take care of her for a little while," I whispered, "Don't worry about me. I'll be fine." Somehow, I was sure of this, and I didn't need to tell her any more than that. She understood, and nodded, giving me a brief hug.
"Don't let them hurt you," she murmured, and I could tell she was beginning to cry. I could feel my own tears welling, so I pulled away and walked back to Tseng, unable to say any more.
The labs were sterile, white. To this day, I'm troubled by the color. I won't go into details, but the experiments they performed were numerous, and many of them painful. I grew to recognize the leader of these experiments: Professor Hojo, a man fixated on the Ancients, and my mother. Often enough, he would look exasperated, telling me how much better a subject my mother had been. Still, he said, if I was the last of the Cetra, even if I was only half, I would have to do.
I could feel myself getting weaker, and I began to grow angry. The Planet had ceased speaking with me altogether, and I wanted to lash out: I was suffering so much, and for what? Was I still doing something to displease them? Had they been wrong, and were now regretting what they had sentenced me to? I had no answers.
In those long hours, my thoughts often drifted to Cloud, and, by proxy, Zack. Surely it couldn't only be coincidence that they were so terribly similar, I thought, but I couldn't figure how they could be connected.
Cloud and Zack, both SOLDIER First Class, both wielding that enormous blade, both with those blue eyes tinged with Mako. How could it be that two different people could be so identical? Vague thoughts of experiments and lonely hours like my own passed through my mind, but I was too weak to hold onto them.
It was without warning when, one day, they brought another experiment into my cage. A large...I suppose feline would be the appropriate term, but I'm not sure it works - he was fierce-looking and fiery, baring down and snapping his teeth violently at me.
"Play along."
He had spoken to me, and in my confusion, I could only do what he had told me to do. I acted frightened, and heard Hojo speaking from outside the cage of how, since we were "species on the brink of extinction", we would be forced to mate.
"How can you say that!" came a now-familiar voice, though muffled, and I jumped. Tifa!
I ran to the edge of the clear tank, and sure enough, there stood Cloud and Tifa, along with a large man I assumed to be Barret. I was sure of it - I had seen him with them on top of the pillar before it fell.
They shouted back and forth for a short while, though I couldn't make out what they were saying. Soon enough, Barret lost his temper and ran forward, raising his formidable gun-arm (!) and firing along the edge of the door to the cage. The clear walls began to glow brightly, and a high-pitched whine pierced my ears. I collapsed, shrieking, covering my ears, when I heard the beast beside me shout above the din, "Do not be frightened! It will not last long!"
True to his word, the terrible sound soon faded and the door slid open, almost naturally. The next thing I knew, Cloud was kneeling beside me.
"Are you all right?" he asked gently, his hand on my arm.
I could only nod for a moment, managing to get out a shaky "I'm fine," before he helped me up and took me outside. The beast who had been caged with me had mauled Hojo, and I couldn't help but grimace. Not that I could blame him, but...
The following events were more or less a blur to me; it went so quickly. We found the President of ShinRa dead, slain by the Great Sephiroth's blade. His son, Rufus, proceeded to threaten us, though I couldn't seem to clear the haze in my mind, and I didn't hear him clearly. Despite our best efforts of escape, we were all captured and imprisoned.
I was lonely, and terribly frightened in that tiny metal cell. Still the Planet was silent to me, and I began to feel an overwhelming terror in my heart. I had been led this far on the whim of the Planet. Would they lead me no further? Had some terrible mistake been made, and now I would be doomed to the life of a lab rat?
"Aeris...hey, you awake?" Cloud's voice came softly through the metal wall beside me, and I jumped, relief flooding me so profoundly that tears sprung to my eyes.
"Cloud!" I cried, "You're here too!" Smiling through my sudden tears, I laughed softly and joked, hoping to cheer us both up, "The deal was one date, right?"
"...oh, I get it," came Tifa's voice next, only a mutter, cold and sharp.
My eyes flew wide open, and I suddenly felt horridly guilty. "Tifa! You're in there too!"
"Excuse me."
I shuddered at the barely-veiled irritation in her voice, and I didn't know what to say. A tear fell down my cheek, and I brushed it away. Just as I was about to apologize, she spoke again, her tone entirely changed, suddenly returning to her usual, gentle disposition. She asked me about the Planet, and how I was able to speak with it. There was so much I wanted to say, but how could I possibly? I only grimaced, shook my head a bit, and gave her a response that I can't even fully remember now. I only know that I had only skimmed the surface of what I knew.
The five of us; myself, Cloud, Tifa, Barret, and the beast - Red XIII was his ShinRa-given nickname, but somehow that seemed to cheapen him - escaped Midgar that night. We fled quickly for the small city of Kalm, where finally I learned what I had needed to know.
Cloud told us what he knew of Sephiroth, a name I had known clearly. Often, I had wondered if this enigmatic Sephiroth had somehow been involved in Zack's disappearance, and now, it seemed, he was at large.
I must have been quite a sight as Cloud told us his story. I felt cold, I might have been shaking.
Cloud's story was identical to Zack's.
I had to consider the possibility that Cloud wasn't "Cloud". For whatever reason, he might have been living out Zack's life. Under that assumption, I could understand why it was that faint glimmer in his eyes, like something lying asleep within him, that made me fall so deeply in love. Therefore, it was that Cloud, that dormant Cloud, that had captured my heart.
But...in order for this theory to be correct, Tifa would have to be lying about everything. It was a thought that chilled me. Surely she wasn't - I couldn't see the point in her doing so. The only thing she would have to gain would be...
...to keep Cloud by her side.
I tried to avoid that line of thought. It was foolhardy, dangerous to be suspicious. And if not that, I felt terribly guilty for thinking it. Tifa was quickly becoming a dearly close friend to me; how could I think such awful things about her?
There was a sort of kinship between us in our mutual feelings for Cloud, I knew that. I could see how much she cared about him, and I'm sure that she could see it in me as well.
Still, I couldn't forget the coldness in her tone when I spoke to Cloud through the wall of our adjoining cells. I couldn't forget how I had felt like I had betrayed her in the worst possible way.
"Why?" I had asked the Planet in tears that night, while the others slept, "Why does everything have to be so hard? Why will you not tell me anything? What am I supposed to do?"
For the first time in it seemed like forever, I got a response. I was told that my life was a trial, and all I had to do was fulfill my duty. When I was done, and my long trial was finally complete, total happiness awaited me in the Promised Land.
I tried to take comfort from this, and found a sort of numbness. I found that I could wrap myself in those words and disconnect myself from the idea of life.
It carried me through our ordeals and hardships, though to say that I was a numb person wouldn't be exactly accurate. It's hard to explain, but the best way I can think to say it is this: life and death had suddenly become such abstract concepts, that I couldn't think to live anywhere but inside the very moment that I existed. There were days that I completely forgot that I was slated to die, sooner with each passing day, because I simply couldn't think of it. I still felt joy, sadness, anger. I could reflect on the past, but the future was too strange to dwell on for long.
Hazy thoughts on just what the Promised Land was came to me at night, when there was nothing left to distract me. "The Promised Land is the place where all Cetra go after their hardships are through, where they are finally released and filled with complete happiness," I remember my mother saying to me when I was very young. Back then, I had thought of it as a place that was bright and warm, soft and tangible.
But now, I didn't know. The words conjured up images of faces I didn't know, faces belonging to the voices that had spoken to me all my life. Sometimes, I felt real fear at the thought.
I passed that way through the days; from meeting Sephiroth and the Calamity known as Jenova, to meeting new friends and becoming very attached to them, to finding myself falling deeper in love with Cloud. We traversed the entire world, it seemed...from Junon to Costa del Sol; Cosmo Canyon, home to the Study of the Planet and Red XIII (whose name is actually Nanaki...I secretly called him that from then on, feeling it more appropriate); Nibelheim, where it seemed some terrible cover-up had occurred; the destroyed city of North Corel, which Barret blamed himself for...
I had seen more than most people - especially most people who had lived in the Midgar slums - had ever or would ever see in one lifetime. If there is one thing I was thankful to the Planet for, that was it.
I knew that one day, my illusion of life would be shattered. One night at the Gold Saucer was all it took.
I hadn't been tired, and since we were staying at the inn - due to the tram being broken - I decided to make the most of it, and I took Cloud up on my offer of a date.
It was wonderful. We acted out a melodrama, where he kissed my hand. I imagine that my face must have been bright red.
Following that was a ride on the gondola, where I finally confessed to him that I wanted, more than anything, to meet him. I berated myself mentally - I knew I wasn't putting my point across correctly when he replied, confused, that he was right there.
"No, no, I mean...I want to meet...'you'," I tried again, putting more emphasis in it. Though he still looked confused, he took my hand and smiled. And there again, I could see it - that dormant Cloud sparkling in his eyes. I smiled brightly...I knew that Cloud had understood, I could see him smiling.
Nothing could have prepared me for Cait Sith's betrayal that night.
He had stolen the Keystone, the vital object we had needed to enter the Temple of the Ancients in our pursuit of Sephiroth. Cloud and I chased him, though were just a moment too late when he gave it to Tseng.
Cait Sith then asked that we pretend that nothing happened, and that we continue on like before. I was stunned, but I felt sick when he proceeded to tell us that it was in our best interest, being that my mom and Marlene were being held hostage. I heard that poor little girl's voice through the stuffed puppet's microphone, and I felt a terrible wave of sorrow overtake me.
"How could you do this!" I yelled at him, furious, both at him and my own helplessness.
As expected, he didn't really offer any explanation. We were forced to go along with his plan, silent, hurt.
We parted ways for the night, and Cloud and I said good night. How such a wonderful night had gone so wrong was beyond me, and I began to feel my walls crumbling.
I stood on a balcony of the inn, staring out at the darkened desert far below us, and I began to cry. It was fairly normal to cry, I thought, and I allowed myself the release, but soon a torrent of emotion took me and I fell to my knees. Great, heaving sobs wracked my body; I felt as though I was being pulled apart. Everything was coming to the surface now - my hopeless love with Cloud, my friendship and suspicion with Tifa, the very nature of my life. I felt death hovering over me, and I screamed against it, wrapping myself up in my arms and huddling down against the floor, choking on my tears.
I didn't want to die.
Vaguely, I heard someone shout my name, but I could hear nothing above the din of my soul. It wasn't until I was pulled - almost roughly - into a tight embrace, that I snapped back to reality.
Cloud had knelt beside me and drawn me into his arms, where I clung to the front of his shirt and wailed, burying my face in his chest.
He stroked my hair, trying to comfort me, "Aeris...Aeris, it's all right. Everything will be okay...please, it's okay. I'm right here."
There was no stopping my tears, so I only held tightly to him, sobbing incoherent words. I held so tightly, trying to somehow be absorbed within him so that neither of us would ever have to face anything alone. I felt that if I had let go of him, I would have flown into pieces.
After a long while, I looked up into his face and saw tears in his eyes as well, unshed, but...I saw him. It was Cloud holding me, and it was Cloud's eyes so filled with concern and love for me.
He kissed me, and I returned it, as though it was the most natural thing in the world. No words were needed between us. For the first time in my life, I felt whole, and I knew he felt the same. There was no guilt or the feeling of doing anything illicit as we laid down on his bed and slowly stripped each other, kissing everywhere. Our souls were joined; it seemed natural, right, that the next step was to join our bodies. The night, punctuated by whispers and soft moans, seemed to last forever.
And I hoped it would. I hoped, wished, prayed with all my might that I could stay in that moment as we were wrapped around one another, my head laid on his chest, his fingers tangled in my hair and mine idly stroking the skin of his toned upper arm, having found such a beautiful and perfect happiness.
This, I thought, this is my Promised Land. Let me stay here, with him.
But...no, reality took me away from that happiness so quickly. Looking out into the grey, sunless sky the next morning, I felt a wave of dread that told me that I had hammered the last nail into my own coffin.
Even the idea of going to the Temple of the Ancients now scared me. As I had thought they would, the voices of the Planet called to me there, coaxing me. I knew, however, that all they meant was that I was close to the end now, so close that I could feel the cold fingers of death brushing against me.
I was so scared, and utterly alone in that. I only mechanically did as I was told, following the corporeal spirits of the Planet around the surreal maze of the interior.
Cloud knew something was wrong, I could tell that much. I wanted so badly to run to him, wrap up in his arms and never let go, but when I looked into his eyes...no, Cloud was asleep again. But something was wrong. There was barely even a glimmer of him now, and that terrified me.
If only I'd known that it was the work of Sephiroth--no, I suppose it was Jenova's power, wasn't it? I saw Cloud becoming an empty shell, and there was nothing I could do to prevent it. I saw Sephiroth's consciousness beginning to enter him.
When Cloud surrendered the Black Materia to Sephiroth, he seemed to be gone completely. Nothing was left of Cloud, not there at that moment. That's why, when he flew at me and began to hit me, landing blow after blow, I only covered my face with my arms and cried helplessly. There would be no getting through to him. Sephiroth had seen to that.
That night, while Cloud was still unconscious, I left. I knew that this was the end of my prophecy; finally, the last day had come. My heart was sore, and every step away from them made it hurt worse.
Most of the way, I clutched that useless white jewel my mother left me, already knowing what I had to do when I arrived in the place I had tried to avoid my entire life.
The Forgotten Capitol of the Ancients - the dead city of the Cetra. Death seems tangible here. I can hear those voices clearer than ever, all telling me that now I must pray, I must pray for Holy to be released so that the Planet will not be destroyed.
There's a twinge of bitterness in me, knowing that they had known Sephiroth would take the Black Materia, and told me nothing of it. Would I have been able to stop it from happening? I don't know, even now. Maybe not. It's possible that, either way, I would have ended up in the same place...
Kneeling on an altar, praying.
A sacrifice.
I know Sephiroth is here, and the Calamity with him. He will kill me. I wonder why he waits? Why let me finish the prayer that could seal his downfall? If I didn't know better, I'd say he was being a gentleman.
I can't help but think of Cloud. Cloud, whom I love so dearly, whom I am giving up everything for now.
One day, Cloud, you will be your complete, true self. This is why I've resigned myself to my fate. For the sake of the Cloud inside you, who is lost and alone.
As long as you remember me, I'll always be with you.
As I complete my prayer and open my eyes, I see you there. Somehow, I had known you would come. There's so much I want to tell you, so much that can't fit into this moment. I want to scream out my love for you, my fears, my triumphs and failures, about Zack, my life's fate, the reason that what is going to happen must happen.
But, being that I can't say a thing, I can only offer a smile.
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