Chapter Summary: Erik struggles with the memory of Christine and the emotional turmoil it invokes. Tallis struggles with the beast, The Phantom, the man and herself.

CHAPTER TWENTY EIGHT

Tallis adjusted the basket she carried over her arm and opened the door to the cobbler's shop, stepping inside as the bell over the door announced her arrival. She looked at the middle-aged man who appeared from behind a brown cloth curtain. He was smiling and looking at her over the top of his glasses. "Good afternoon, Monsieur," she said, returning his smile.

"Mademoiselle," he answered, wiping his hands on the apron he wore. He approached Tallis and stopped behind his counter. "Is there something I can help you with?"

Tallis drew a deep breath and took her life into her hands. "Your tenant upstairs," she began, "have you seen him this past five days?"

The cobbler took his glasses off, fiddling with the earpieces before returning them to the bridge of his nose. "I do not know of whom you speak," he answered Tallis. "You have mistaken me for someone else."

"Please, Monsieur," Tallis pleaded. "I come from Madame Giry. We have not seen him for some time and we are concerned for his welfare." Tallis raised the cloth over the basket she held revealing it to be full of food and drink. "I bring him meals from our kitchen." She did not squirm under the cobbler's intense gaze.

"Madame Giry, you say," he replied. "What are you to that lady?"

Tallis sighed, feeling exasperation rise in her breast. "I am her companion. Please, Monsieur!"

The man continued to study Tallis with a careful eye, watching her every move. Tallis tried desperately to hold her patience under his scrutiny but her nerves were slowly getting the best of her and she began to bounce on her toes. One hand fiddled with the linen covering the basket held in the other hand. She began to chew her bottom lip and was about ready to scream her frustration when the man watching her broke into a wide grin, shaking his head.

"He is upstairs and has been these past days," the man told Tallis. "I do not hear the usual pacing nor do I hear any music. There is just silence." He nodded toward the curtain through which he had passed. "Go through there and the door to the second floor is directly ahead of you at the back of the room." He swung open the door in the counter and motioned for Tallis to come forward.

"Thank you, Monsieur," Tallis said with a smile as she walked past the cobbler, through the curtain and into the back room. She quickly moved across the small space, entering the door at the back of the room. She climbed the stairs behind that door and paused at the top before a second door.

Tallis knocked lightly once on the door and there was no answer. She knocked a bit more loudly and called softly, "Erik." There was still no answer. "I know you are in there," Tallis tried as she knocked on the door for a third time. Still not receiving an answer to her knocks and entreaties, Tallis felt her temper grow and she stamped her foot, slamming an open palm against the door. "Erik! If you do not let me in, I shall smash this door down!" Tallis breathed deeply and slowly as she tried to calm her nerves and plan a way to break down the door in front of her when it suddenly opened.

"And with what are you planning on breaking down my door," Erik wondered as he stared blankly at her, "your rapier wit?" He turned his back on Tallis and walked back into his darkened garret without waiting for her answer.

"I do not know what you just said," Tallis told him as she stepped over the threshold and into the garret, "but I think I am supposed to be angered by it."

Erik absently waved a hand over his shoulder at her. "As you wish," he said as he walked toward his piano bench.

"Impossible," Tallis seethed beneath her breath, a wicked little twinkle beginning in her eyes. She watched as Erik began to lower himself to the piano bench and reached behind herself, slamming the door closed with as much anger as she could muster. A self-satisfied smile crossed her face as a startled Erik missed the piano bench and ended up on the floor.

Erik closed his eyes, his face turning a bright red. "You little ..." he began.

"What?" Tallis wondered as she entered the darkened room. "Brat?" She placed her basket down on a table. "Spoiled chit?" She walked across the room and flung open the draperies. "Deplorable?" She crossed the room and opened the draperies on that side. Tallis turned back and walked into the center of the room, placing her hands on her hips and staring down at Erik. "The beauty who loves the beast?"

"I am the beast," Erik growled as he rose to his feet. "You are in my lair." He strode three steps forward and stopped before Tallis. "And you are no beauty."

"I know I am not Christine," Tallis shot back. She watched as Erik's eyes began to glitter dangerously.

Erik grabbed her by the arms. "Do not even dare to speak her name," he hissed.

"I shall dare as I wish!" Tallis told him.

"You would do well to remember your place, mademoiselle!"

"I know I am only a poor substitute for the woman you truly want ..." Tallis began and found herself interrupted by the angry beast she had awakened.

"You are the woman I want!" Erik growled at her as he pulled her to him, his lips seeking out hers.

Tallis froze at the feel of Erik's kiss, its desperation and urgency. Her eyes widened as Erik drew back, his breath coming hard and fast, his eyes drinking in her face. There was something in them that Tallis had never before seen and she was frightened by it; it was almost as if Erik did not have a soul.

"I would watch what you offer a desperate beast," he breathed in her face. "You may just find your offer accepted." Erik reached in again for Tallis' lips, moving his hands down her arms to encircle her waist, his hands going to the bustle of her skirt.

A shiver of fear began to crawl up Tallis' spine as Erik's hands moved further and further down her body, his lips suddenly angry and demanding. She yanked her head to the side as Erik drew back to catch his breath. "Erik," she pleaded, "stop."

Erik did not hear her and buried his face in the side of her neck, breathing heavily into her ear. A single hand moved to her hip, trailing further and further downward.

Tallis finally did something she had never before done in Erik's presence; she began to cry. "Please," Tallis begged him, as the tears began to flow down her cheeks. "Stop!"

Her tears did what mere words could not and Erik stopped, pulling back, staring blindly at the crying woman before him.

"Erik," Tallis said in a shaky voice as a single hand reached toward him.

What Erik might or might not have done was interrupted by a loud pounding on the door.

"Mademoiselle! Mademoiselle!" the cobbler's voice called out. "Do you need help?"

Erik quickly turned his back to Tallis. "It would be wise to answer that," he said softly.

Tallis bit her lip before reaching up to wipe at the tears on her face. She turned her back to Erik, crossed the room and opened the door to the garret. The cobbler stood there, worry written on his face and visible in his stance. "Yes," Tallis said as she gave the man a rather shaky smile.

"I heard a loud noise," he told her. "I was concerned for your safety."

"I am fine," Tallis tried assuring him. "Monsieur Herrin slipped from his piano bench and fell to the floor."

The cobbler tried looking around Tallis but could see nothing and he turned his attention back to her. "Are you certain you do not need help?" he wondered and cocked his head to one side. "A chaperone, perhaps?"

Tallis shook her head sadly. "No," she said. "I will be fine." She laid a hand on his arm. "But I thank you." She watched the emotions play across the man's face as he debated within himself the wisdom of leaving her alone with his strange tenant. "Please, monsieur," Tallis tried again, "I promise I shall scream if I find myself in need of help."

"If you are sure," the man was still uncertain.

"I am," Tallis nodded. She waited as the man turned and walked down the stairs, closing the door at the bottom behind him before closing the door in which she stood and turning back to the room. "Erik?" she asked softly.

"You had best scream and run now," he replied in an equally soft tone as he sank to his piano bench, his head in his hands. "I am not fit company." The head in the hands shook. "I am not safe."

"I am not going to scream," Tallis said as she began to cross the room. "I am not running away." She stopped in front of Erik, dismayed when he did not raise his head to look at her. "I am so sorry I lost my temper with you and brought this upon us both." Tallis breathed a small sigh as a single hand reached for her; she clasped it warmly in her own. "You are safe and I am safe when I am with you."

"But I frighten you," came the pained reply and the voice grew softer. "I frighten everyone."

Tallis said nothing for a long moment as she calmed the irritation that washed over her at the words that slipped from Erik's mouth; at the words her actions caused to slip from his mouth. Her lips opened slightly as she let out a very long, slow breath. "You did frighten me," she told Erik as she sat next to him, still holding to his hand. "I was not prepared for the reaction my words and my deeds brought forth." Tallis watched Erik silently, desperately trying to see his face, read the emotions that played across his unique features. "Does the mere mention of her name always cause you such pain?"

Erik's free hand slipped over the one holding to his but he would still not raise his head. "I am afraid that if I speak the truth - no matter your assurances - you will run." His hands tightened over the one he held.

"I will not go anywhere," Tallis replied, her head dipping to briefly touch Erik's shoulder. "I cannot for you hold tightly to my hand." She watch as Erik finally raised his head to her but Tallis also noted that he did not release her hand.

"Christine is the voice in my head," Erik began as he locked his eyes with the ones watching him, drawing strength from their soft grey depths. "She was the only voice that I heard for so many years. She drowned out the sound of my own voice and I allowed her to do so."

"Why?" Tallis asked quietly.

"Would you want to listen to the voice that echoes in this head?" Erik asked her as he shook his head. "The voice of a maltreated, lonely child? The voice of angry adolescent? The voice of a man starving for ..." He stopped, turning his head, tearing his eyes away.

"You do not need to hear her anymore," Tallis told him gently, she took her free hand, reaching for Erik's chin and turning his face back to her. "I shall be the voice in your head. I shall be the mother to the child and the friend to the adolescent." She sniffled. "I shall be the woman you want."

Erik raised the hand he held to his lips. "God help us both," he whispered, "for you are the woman I want." He bent his head against Tallis' hand. "Yet I always seem to want more than you are willing to give."

Tallis closed her eyes in thought as she carefully formulated her next words. "Erik, please look at me," Tallis said as she opened her eyes. She waited as Erik raised his head to look at her, the pain and guilt evident in his eyes. "It is not that I am not willing," Tallis began, a look on concentration on her face as she struggled with her words. "It is that ... that ..."

"I understand," Erik said, anticipating the words of rejection he had heard all his life.

"Please," Tallis pleaded with him, "allow me to finish." She gave him a crooked smile as he nodded his assent. "I may be a grown woman but I must still bow to the wishes of my parents as long as they live and I remain unmarried. I do not wish to hurt or disappoint them more than I have already done. Nor do I wish to bring scandal upon their name; they are good people who love me dearly."

"Merely by being here in this room with me you find yourself in the midst of a scandal." Erik shook his head at her. "Merely knowing me is a scandal."

"That is a chance I am willing to take."

"But you are not willing to go further."

Tallis sighed. "I am not willing to go further for you are not yet mine."

Erik looked confused. "But ..."

Tallis placed a finger against his lips. "I am not blind and I am not a silly child - in spite of the immaturity I know is my greatest fault. I know that Christine still holds sway in your mind and I know that she holds a greater place in your heart than do I. Until you can let her memory go, I shall never have all of you. I am content for now with the part of you that I do have but I shall not lie to you - I want more. I need more. I need to know that your only thoughts are of me and for me before," Tallis blushed and took her hands back, placing them in her lap, "before I allow you liberties that I would otherwise regret."

"I do not want you in that way!" Erik said harshly and relented at the shocked and dismayed look that crossed the face of the woman sitting next to him. "I do want you," Erik tried again, "but I do not want you as my mistress." A single hand reached for Tallis and Erik felt a tiny wave of relief wash over him as she lightly held to it. "I want more for you, for us; yet, I do not know how to give it to you."

"These last weeks have been a beginning," Tallis replied. "I thought we had made a good beginning."

"I had thought so, as well," Erik said as his brow furrowed in worry.

"But when you heard that Christine's husband had died ..."

"I owe her so much."

Tallis briefly closed her eyes in pain at Erik's words.

"I did try to kill him," Erik continued, barely aware of the woman sitting next to him. "I hated him for all he was." Erik grimaced. "That boy was everything I was not - whole, wealthy, free - and I hated him for it. God will never forgive me for how much I hated him. I was ready to kill him that night, regardless of what Christine's answer might or might not have been. Either way, I was not going to let him live for he would always have come between us." Erik looked up at Tallis. "In much the same way that Christine has come between us."

Tallis could only nod.

"And now he is dead," Erik took back his hands and got to his feet, stalking angrily across the small room. "And he still comes between me and the woman I want."

Tallis noticed that Erik did not use the one word she longed to hear. "It is not Christine's murdered husband who comes between us," she said. "It is Christine. I know such and you have said it."

Erik turned back to look at her. "It is not Christine," Erik paused, trying to find the words to express the emotions that raged within his veins. "It is what I owe her. It is what I took from her. It is what I made her into." Erik's visage once again turned dark and deadly as the ghost of The Phantom laid claim to the soul of the man. He did not notice the fear that embraced the woman he addressed or the trembling hands that she clasped tightly in her lap. "I took her trust." Erik took a long step forward. "I took her faith." And another long step. "I took her innocence." And another long step. "And I turned them into something twisted and ugly." He stopped in front of Tallis, looking down at her, seeing only Christine. "I turned her emotions into a mirror of my own" Erik drew in a deep breath through his nose and straightened his posture. "I made her my face to the world and that boy came along and took her from me." Erik shook his head. "I destroyed her and he managed to save her." He began to sway lightly on his feet and dropped to his knees, burying his head on Tallis' lap. "I need to tell her that I am sorry," came his muffled words. "I need to apologize. I need to know that she is well and strong and able to deal with her loss. I need to hear her say she forgives me for all that I did to her." Erik's muffled voice grew softer. "And to him. I need ... I need ..." Erik's voice broke and he could not continue.

Tallis felt his arms go about her waist and tighten as if she were the only thing keeping him tethered to the world for which he longed. She stared down at him, this man on his knees before her, his head in her lap and Tallis lifted her hands, holding them at the sides of Erik's head, hesitating for a moment, unsure of what to do, before gently resting them on either side. She felt Erik shudder as her fingers touched the scarred side of his scalp and Tallis only exerted more gentle pressure at his trembling. Soft fingertips gently massaged the skin beneath them, trying to rub away a lifetime of guilt. Slowly she bent her head so that was resting atop Erik's. "It will be all right," she whispered. "We shall make it all right."

"How?" Erik asked, his head still buried in her lap.

"I will find a way for you to speak with Christine," Tallis told him. "I will find a way so that you may seek her forgiveness."

Erik finally raised his head to look at her in wonder. "How?" he breathed.

"I do not know," Tallis had to admit, "but that does not mean I shall not try. You will never be free from her until you see her. I shall never be free from her until you do. We," Tallis emphasized the word, "shall never be free until you do."

Erik studied her face for a long moment. "What if I am never free of her and her memory? What if I can not give you all that want?" He paused, frightened of the next words to pass his lips. "Would you leave me?"

Tallis did not even have to think upon her answer. "No," she promised Erik. "I shall never leave. I told you once that no matter what happens between us I shall always be your friend and that shall never change." She saw the hope in his eyes and knew her next words would dash it to the ground. "But if you want more from me you shall have to let Christine go."

"How could you be my friend and love me at the same time?"

Tallis smiled gently at the worried man looking up at her. "I was your friend before I fell in love with you; that is something that does not change. I believe that love is built from friendship and that is what makes it strong and that is what will make it last."

Erik thought about her words and laid his head back in Tallis' lap. "I know that I am your friend." Erik drew in a very long breath. "I know that I want to love you for only one woman in my life has been as kind and as consistent as you have been."

"Madame," Tallis replied with a knowing nod, wondering if Erik would ever love her for the woman she was, the woman she wanted to be.

Erik, too, nodded, completely lost within his own emotions, unable to see the pain his words caused to the woman at whose feet he knelt. "Madame." Once again he raised his head. "What if I can never see Christine? Will you help me to find a way to let her go?"

"I will be here for you," Tallis promised, "but it is up to you to find the strength to let her go; that is something with which I cannot help."

"How did I ever become so weak?"

Tallis locked her eyes with Erik's. "You opened your heart and allowed yourself to love."

Erik stared at her before rising to his feet, reaching for Tallis' hands and raising her up. He hugged her lightly before drawing back, smiling at her. "You are far stronger and infinitely more wiser than I."

Tallis studied Erik's face, the unstable emotions that played in his gold eyes and bit down the words she wanted to say. Tallis also buried her own feelings, placing them within her heart and locking them there. This was no longer about her and what she wanted, this was about the vulnerable man standing before her, his hands resting lightly on her arms. This was about keeping him from completely breaking. This was about burying his past, finding his future and saving his soul. "Thank you," Tallis finally breathed.

"Grant me one request?" Erik asked.

"If I am able," Tallis told him, frightened of what he would ask.

A strange look crossed Erik's face. "If I am able," he said to himself. "Have I destroyed you, as well?"

Tallis could see his lips move but could not make out the words. "Erik?"

Erik finally focused his attention on something beyond himself. "Promise me that you shall not change. Promise me that you will not let me change you." He managed a wan smile. "For, in spite of, all your imagined lack of maturity and wanting to be something or someone you are not, you are everything I could ever want. You are sweet and loyal, honest and trusting. You are everything to which any woman should aspire."

"I promise I shall try my best," Tallis told him, painfully aware that Erik would still not say the words she longed to hear. "I can do no more."

"It is far more than I have ever done," Erik said softly.

They stared at each other for a long moment, each trying to read the other, desperate to see that for which they longed in the other's eyes. It was Erik who finally broke away, unable to bear the closing doors he saw within Tallis' eyes.

"Why did you come here today?" he wondered.

Tallis, too, could not bear what she saw within Erik's eyes - the memory of Christine blocking her way to his soul. "I came with food and drink," she said. "I have not seen you see Madame ... left ... and I was concerned for you." She sighed and lowered her shoulders, hoping some of the tension would ease. "Madame said to allow you your memories but to not allow you to wallow in them. I thought five days was coming far too close to allowing you to wallow."

Erik managed a small laugh. "You are about a day and half too late."

"It would appear I have much to learn."

"Much," Erik repeated. He shook his head to clear it of unwanted thoughts. "Now, what did you bring?" He grinned at her, hoping it was a grin. "You know the way to a man's heart ..."

"Is through his stomach," Tallis finished. She looked at Erik in complete innocence. "So I had heard."

"Would you join me?"

"If you promise to behave."

Erik finally gave Tallis an open, honest smile. "I shall be the very embodiment of propriety," he assured her.

"Then I shall stay," Tallis answered and once again found Erik's hands upon her arms.

"Please stay," he pleaded with her, asking for more than a mere hour or so at luncheon.

"Always," Tallis promised. "Always."

Tallis prayed she would be able to keep her promise.