Rocky Mountain Paranormal Comedy Show
By SoulfulZen and Sidhe3141
Summary: When several characters from JtHM, Squee, World of Darkness
(not the newest edition, the last one with Wraith) and Invader ZIM
wind up stranded in a hotel during a blizzard, what will happen?
Whatever it is, it will be entirely hilarious and generally fucked up.
Warning a tad of OOC-ness, and a slew of OCs to follow. WARNING: THE
FOLLOWING FIC WAS WRITTEN BY TWO STAUNCH ATHEIST LIBERALS, ONE OF WHICH IS A
HOMICIDAL MINDFUCK MADE OF CHAOS AND FLESH AND THE OTHER OF WHICH IS A QUIET,
SOMEWHAT EVIL LITTLE HUMAN WHO IS DUE TO EXPLODE ANY DAY UNDER THE STRESS OF
EVERYDAY LIFE BUT RIGHT NOW IS REALLY REALLY SHELTERED. CAUSTIC OPINIONS MAY
CAUSE EXPLOSIVE REACTIONS RESULTING IN MASS DEATH AND EGO DEFLATION. You have
been warned.
Rated R for (so far) Language, Violence, Drug Reference,Political-ness,
Suggestive Themes
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction intended to be humorous. Neither White
Wolf, SoulfulZen nor Sidhe 3141 own any of this shit. It is a scenario
invented by two teenage lunatics inspired by a large group of even crazier adults.
We are not liable for expenses incurred from hunting vampires in the woods at
night. We are not responsible if you are torn apart by a werewolf because you
follow our advice. We will not reimburse your travel costs if you try to find
the White Rose Inn. The mention of any product or service in this story is not
a challenge to the copyright concerned. We are little people who don't want a
lawsuit and certainly wouldn't dream of infringing on a copyright. Under no
circumstances should you use this as a source for a grimroire or your term
paper. By veiwing this story and/or opening this page, you agree that you cannot
sue us if you follow our advice or get a bad grade on your finals. You cannot
sue us if you trip while reading this story. You cannot sue us if you laugh
too hard. If you do not agree with this disclaimer, do not veiw the story
and/or open the page. If you find yourself following our advice on the supernatural
or repeating our jokes, you should find a lunatic asylum or go into politics.
After all, someone who believes any of this story would be better than the
corrupt theocratic backstabbing swindlers currently in power. Hail to the Theif!
Jail to the Chief! Jail to the Thief!
Warranty:
Lifetime Warranty: We will give you $1000 if you do not live your entire
lifetime.
Monopole Warranty: We will give you credit before the Nobel Prize Committee
if your computer develops magnetic monopoles as a result of reading this story.
Pythagorean Warranty: We will buy you a new computer if you can prove to us
that, in a Euclidean plane, the length of the hypotenuse of a right triangle
does not equal the square root of the sum of the squares of the other two sides.
Damage Warranty: If this story arrives physically damaged, we will replace it
just as soon as we figure out how it happened.
the big pint giveth and the little print taketh away. No, really! This
warranty does not apply if you are sent backwards in time and become one of your
own ancestors. If you think that this isn't an everyday occurrence, you haven't
been golfing with Arthur Dent.
Actually, it isn't a common event.
Nny, Devi, and Squee, drawn by strange music, arrived in the bar/resturant.
A person in a black, hooded robe muttered, "Oh, good. You're awake. Better
get some dinner into you." The man sitting across from him (a magician known in
some places as Skeeve the Great) asked, "You sure they weren't hung over?" A
scaly green gentleman with sharp pointy teeth (like That Rabbit from That
Movie) responded, "Positive. Too bad you had to run. That was some fight out
there." as he downed his twenty-seventh glass. He poked the goo in the bowl in
front of him, saying,"Too bad the folks in this backwater dimension don't have a
nice hot cauldron of Potage St. Augggh's either." At all of this, Squee,
shivering like a man with a seizure, uttered a single "Squeek!" "With the amount you
just drank, I doubt you could afford it.", claimed an old man in a
wheelchair. Nny, Squee, and Devi all shouted, "Dinner!"
"Why, yes. You've been out for 25 hours."
The flying pig held Soulfulzen down while Sidhe beat him over the head
repeatedly with a frying pan. "And THAT was for the fifteenth of those things!"
The band finished playing and got down from their stage. They dispersed, the
bagpiper getting into an intellectual theological discussion (read: religous
shouting match) with Dobson and a vampire carrying a large bag of excrement,
the fiddler (Arcturus) chatting amiably with what seemed to be thin air, and
the lead singer walking over and flirting with Devi, like he does every time he
sees a lady.
As Nny and Devi got into their own intelluctual discussion over which one
would knock the singer's teeth out, he conjoured an amazing ball of light.
Three cardinals (Ximnez, Fang, and Biggles) dressed entirely in red stood
up. "Nobody expectorates the Spanish Inquisition! Oh bugger, what did I say!"
He was proven wrong as everyone within range spat on him. Meanwhile, Nny
wandered off and started chatting with Carmen(as Devi was beating the singer up). He
convinced her to remove her baseball cap when the bagpiper jumped over on st
reams of silver light. "No, Carmen! You're going to break the Veil!"
Sidhe3141 had finally stopped beating SoulfulZen up. Soulfulzen looked
over
his shoulder
"Ooh! Veil! Get me the fuck outta here and let's go ski."
"No, they're not talking about skiing."
"Then what's the Veil?"
"The werewolf version of the Masquerade."
"What's the Masquerade?"
"The vampire version of the Veil."
"Okay, but what's the Veil?"
"The best part of this game is that you can play all night."
"Yes, but WHAT THE FUCK IS THE VEIL?"
"The name werewolves use for their cover."
"Why do they need a cover?"
"They were persecuted along with the witches."
"What witches?"
"Which witches?"
"Which witches were the witches of which you were speaking?"
"Okay, now you've lost me."
"Which witches were you talking about?"
"Depends on which town you were in."
"Oh, the Salem trials?"
"No, the Crucible."
"Wasn't that the book which was about the witches of Salem?"
"Yes, that was the book which was about the witches of Salem."
"Why does the bagpiper care about the Veil?"
"He is under an unbreakable geas to follow the Litany."
"What's a geas and what's the Litany?"
"A geas is a magically reinforced promise and the Litany is the werewolf
version of the Traditions."
"What are the Traditions?"
"Which Traditions?"
"Which Traditions are the Traditions of which you were speaking?"
"You've lost me again."
"Which Traditions were you talking about?"
"No, I was talking about the vampiric Traditions."
"Oh, so there's witch Traditions too?"
"Yes."
"What are the vampiric Traditions?"
"The vampiric equivalent of the Protocols."
"What are the Protocols?"
"The mage version of the Escheat."
"What's the Escheat?"
"The fae version of the Litany"
"Oh Jesus C Frog, not this again."
"Sorry. The Litany is the highest set of shapeshifter laws."
"And what are the Traditions?"
"Which Traditions?"
"Exactly!"
"What?"
"The witch Traditions."
"Oh. The mage Traditions are the divisions into which the mage Traditions
sort themselves."
"What else is there?"
"The Technocracy."
This discussion went on for a while. About 12 hours later, something
interesting happened.
"Yes, exactly, the witch staff!" said Sidhe
"Okay, I'm bored." said SoulfulZen, as he pulled out an uzi, switched it to
fully automatic and turned his co author into swiss cheese.
"My cardboard cutout! I spent all night animating that thing and you turn it
into Swiss cheese!" Sidhe levelled a hand at SoulfulZen from the next table. "
PYROEIS!" His co-author turned into ashes.
At still another table, SoulfulZen handed someone who was obviously high-up
in some military some money. "That's for the use of a custom homunculus, and
that's for the damage to it, and that's a tip."
A small child next to the person asked, "What's a homunculus?" He added,"If
you want the military alchemist who leads the conspiracy, he's currently in
use, but he'll be here in about five minutes for the lunch break."
"How does a little chap like you know about the conspiracies in the Full
Metal Alchemist military?"
"Easy. I'm a Mamodo."
"Oh."
Nny asked, "What's the Veil?"
The bagpiper responded, "Veil? What Veil? Who said Veil?"
"You said Veil."
"No, I didn't. You must be mistaken. Maybe you heard wrong."
"I was right here. You said Veil."
"No I didn't. Say, nice weather, isn't it."
"It's snowing. I'll be stuck here for weeks to find out what the Veil is."
Devi and Squee both asked, "What Veil?"
Roberta Ritter the reporter declared, "Sounds like a cover-up. Better get
out the ol' muckrake."
Dobson, now alone but smelling like dung from being repeatedly beaned with a
canvas bag full of the stuff, began lecturing about heretics. Half the crowd
listened with rapt attention, while the other half began reenacting a certain
scene from "Animal House" ("Bullshit! Bullshit!") and a scene from Monty
Python's Life of Brian ("What a load of rubbish!"). Others (the lead singer, with a
black eye, several scratch marks, a few pressure cuts, and other wounds that
would take too much time to list; Carmen, whose shift had ended during the
discussion; Arcturus, who had finished long before; and others, including Squee,
Nny and Devi) began a poker game.
It was two in the morning, and everyone was positively mullered.
Squee was asleep, and most everyone was playing strip poker. Unbeknownst to
almost all of them, two people (Carmen and the bagpiper) were watching from
the room, but at the same time not in it.-
"Why are you such a paradox otaku, Sidhe?"
"It's not a paradox. They're in the Umbra."
"Oh, a copy of this world similar to a shadow?"
"Well, kind of. The Umbra is a collection of other universes."
"So, Carmen, why are we doing this?"
"There is a strip poker game tonight, Richard, and I want to make sure it
doesn't get out of hand."
"More specifically, what am I doing here?"
"I can't see across the Gauntlet."-
"So what trials do they have to go through? Or is it just one of those armored gloves."
"Neither. It's the barrier between worlds."
-"So how did you persuade me to come across?"
"You owe me, remember?"
"Look, I told you, I could have handled those bikers. There were only seven
of them."
"Uh-huh. You had so much of that weird energy that you couldn't see straight,
you were too drunk to focus on a Gift, and you were unarmed."
"No, I didn't! I'd emptied my Paradox earlier!"
"Then how'd we get stuck in Wolfhome?"
"Oh yeah. Hey, something's happening!"
"What?"
"One of the guys just talked to a naked lady while walking toward her!"
"What's he saying?"
"I can't get sound, but he just unzipped his pants...I can try getting sound
if you like, but I'm already over my spell limit today."
"Right! Here goes!" And she vanished.
"Okay. Luna, lend me your power." Richard invoked while he pricked his finger
with a pin, and started aiming it.
The ensuing chaos was not for the weak of heart. Suffice to say that it
involves screaming, fur, burning moonbeams, lunar blades, flying silver knives,
blowdarts, and plasma splattered everywhere. By the time it ended, most present
were in the closet, out the window, or unconscious, either crisscrossed with
claw marks or covered with burns. Carmen changed back to near-human (her normal
form. She can get away with using it everywhere because it looks enough like
pure human...but we digress.) and stood, arms folded, surveying the carnage, as
was her normal habit after calming down. Both her and Richard (who had
stepped across during the fight) gave a low, sliding whistle, much as one would do
upon seeing one car wrapped around a lightpole and the other flattened against
the other side of the ditch. It was obvious that there wasn't an untouched
person in the room. A throwing dagger came flying from out of the closet. Carmen
ripped open the closet and discovered that Nny was in there, along with Devi. She
picked him up and heaved him...through the wall. There he was stuck, halfway
inside the room. Poop Dogg showed up and fainted at the sight of his work.
Stay tuned for Chapter 3. Don't think that this shit's over.
Included: An update on Nny's car.
READ AND REVIEW.