Rocky Mountain Paranormal Comedy Picture

by Internet Luv Masheen

Some crossover crap I wrote with an old pal. Here's to moving it to his account.

3. Chaptee three

-1Rocky Mountain Paranormal Comedy Show

By SoulfulZen and Sidhe3141

Summary: When several characters from JtHM, Squee, World of Darkness

(not the newest edition, the last one with Wraith) and Invader ZIM

wind up stranded in a hotel during a blizzard, what will happen?

Whatever it is, it will be entirely hilarious and generally fucked up.

Warning a tad of OOC-ness, and a slew of OCs to follow. WARNING: THE

FOLLOWING FIC WAS WRITTEN BY TWO STAUNCH ATHEIST LIBERALS, ONE OF WHICH IS A HOMICIDAL MINDFUCK MADE OF CHAOS AND FLESH AND THE OTHER OF WHICH IS A QUIET, SOMEWHAT EVIL LITTLE HUMAN WHO IS DUE TO EXPLODE ANY DAY UNDER THE STRESS OF EVERYDAY LIFE BUT RIGHT NOW IS REALLY REALLY SHELTERED. CAUSTIC OPINIONS MAY CAUSE EXPLOSIVE REACTIONS RESULTING IN MASS DEATH AND EGO DEFLATION. You have been warned.

Rated R for (so far) Language, Violence, Drug Reference, Political-ness, Suggestive Themes, and bum-fuck everything else.

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction intended to be humorous. Neither White Wolf, SoulfulZen nor Sidhe 3141 own any of this shit. It is a scenario invented by two teenage lunatics inspired by a large group of even crazier adults. We are not liable for expenses incurred from hunting vampires in the woods at night. We are not responsible if you are torn apart by a werewolf because you follow our advice. We will not reimburse your travel costs if you try to find the White Rose Inn. The mention of any product or service in this story is not a challenge to the copyright concerned. We are little people who don't want a lawsuit and certainly wouldn't dream of infringing on a copyright. Under no circumstances should you use this as a source for a grimroire or your term paper. By viewing this story and/or opening this page, you agree that you cannot sue us if you follow our advice or get a bad grade on your finals. You cannot sue us if you trip while reading this story. You cannot sue us if you laugh too hard. If you do not agree with this disclaimer, do not view the story and/or open the page. If you find yourself following our advice on the supernatural or repeating our jokes, you should find a lunatic asylum or go into politics. After all, someone who believes any of this story would be better than the corrupt theocratic backstabbing swindlers currently in power. Hail to the Thief! Jail to the Chief! Jail to the Thief! This story uses the supernatural for themes. Common sense dictates that the supernatural does not exist. If you find yourself flying in the face of common sense, close the story immediately and seek professional help. We are not responsible if you blow yourself up with the spells given, either.

Warranty:

Lifetime Warranty: We will give you $1000 if you do not live your entire lifetime.

Monopole Warranty: We will give you credit before the Nobel Prize Committee if your computer develops magnetic monopoles as a result of reading this story.

Pythagorean Warranty: We will buy you a new computer if you can prove to us that, in a Euclidian plane, the length of the hypotenuse of a right triangle does not equal the square root of the sum of the squares of the other two sides.

Damage Warranty: If this story arrives in its electronic form physically damaged, we will replace it just as soon as we figure out how it happened.

the big pint giveth and the little print taketh away. No, really! This warranty does not apply if you are sent backwards in time and become one of your own ancestors.

Author's Note from Sidhe3141: In light of Adult Swim's recent decision to return InuYasha to the Sunday Morning Lineup, we have organized a celebratory song. (turns to the InuYasha cast)

Ich, ni, san, go!

CHORUS:

We're back! We're back! We've arrived once more!

We're back! We're back! And we're not a bore!

Come on! Come on! Sing along with us!

Come on! Come on! We swear that you won't bust!

Come sing with us and celebrate our return!

Come sing with us; you've got some time to burn!

KAGOME:

Back again! Back again! Back in time yet again!

Back again! Back again! True love and true hate again!

Returning to the past again!

Jump ahead in time again!

Double life, double time, double romance,

Double battles again; come on and dance!

CHORUS

INUYASHA:

Back again! Back again! Battling demons again!

Back again! Back again! Travels and trials again!

Having some fun again!

Adventuring again!

New foes, new shards, new fights: lots of new fun

New "sits", old and new love: oops, gotta run!

CHORUS

"Stop that! Stop that! Stop it! Clear off!" the king of Swamp Castle ran on and stopped the musical number. "There'll be no singin' here!"

Chapter III

Addemendum to Disclaimer: Whatever happens, if it isn't mentioned in the Warranty, it's not our fault. We have no liability. We told you that before we began. It's not our fault. We take no responsibility. Because we had no idea that it would turn out this way.

If you take your car in for a tune-up, the shop charges you a bill five miles long, when you get it back, your car refuses to start, and when you push it down the hill, the steering is all wrong, it's not our fault. We have no liability. We told you that before we began. It's not our fault. We take no responsibility. Because we had no idea that it would turn out this way.

If your good friend Tom runs for public office, promising to throw out the crooks that have been elected, you vote for him, and the very next month, the cops haul him away for sex and corruption and many other wrongs, as though he was the only public official who did that, it's not our fault. We have no liability. We told you that before we began. It's not our fault. We take no responsibility. Because we had no idea that it would turn out this way.

If some lunatic in the White House pushes the button and the world goes boom, it's not our fault. We have no liability. We told you that before we began. It's not our fault. We take no responsibility. Because we had no idea that it would turn out this way.

"What?" SoulfulZen was confused about the disclaimer.

"It's a song."

"Oh. Why can't I say 'We don't own shit?'"

"Because this is funnier."

"Well, to each his own. Besides, you did much more of this chapter than I did."

STORY NOTE: From this point on Cyene will be done in this type of bracket, as it is more integral to the story from this point.

Back at the inn, all of the poker players were popping aspirin, regenerative powers, and the like. Most were wondering why there was a large blank in their memories and why they woke up naked and badly wounded. The rest were pantomiming Carmen's strangulation and burning.

"I thought only silver could kill werewolves!"

"Wrong. True Magick, fire, supernatural weaponry, chainsaws, cabers, and the like will also do it."

"Cabers?"

"A Scottish weapon resembling a telephone pole."

Nny was trying to find a way to get back at Devi for talking him into playing strip poker. He ran into Richard.

"Get out of my way and let me kill Devi!"

"This ought to help."

"What is it?"

"A cursed ring. When placed on a finger, it is activated by the words Will you marry me? ."

"Sounds like a lot of barking."

"I didn't invent that spell."

"How can I repay you?"

"Make sure I'm out of the room. The incantation will shield you, but the ring will release one (unprintable due to fire code) of a fallout."

A nearby flower burst into flames. A window shattered. A vampire rushed in, stared hard at both of them, and walked out.

Devi was wandering the halls. She ran into Richard.

"Nny will give you a cursed ring soon. Fortunately, it is countered with the word Yes ."

"A bark?"

"No, a spell. You got it?"

" Yes . Yes."

At dinner, Nny gave Devi the "cursed" ring and the "incantation". Devi quickly responded with the "counter-incantation". Most of the staff cracked up, followed by most of the guests (who had no idea what they were laughing at, but it was contagious). Carmen put two and two together, walked over to Richard (the only one who had left early), hoisted him by the shirt, and threatened, "We will discuss this at length later". One of the staff explained what had been said to the two victims, who sat down at a table and started conspiring their revenge.

"First we ought to call it off."

"But we get so much free stuff out of it!"

"Okay, okay. We dissolve it after we get the free stuff. Do I have your permission to kill him?"

"Yes! Of course you do, you moron!"

The next evening, Carmen was trying to cool off a man who just couldn't take a hint. After subtle hints, not-so-subtle hints, and outright threats failed, she was about to shoot him with a sleep dart when a black spark appeared in the air and the dart vanished.

"Richard!"

"I didn't do it!"

Meanwhile, in a diffrent universe, Lina Inverse and company were battling a confusingly familiar face and a (less confusingly) familiar fanatic.

Zelgadis asked, "What's Conzul doing here?"

Martina responded "He has been recruited into the service of the monster Zomelagustar!"

Xellos took on a confused look. "Zomelagustar... Nope, don't know him."

Lina shouted, "You still want to conquer the world to sacrifice it to a monster that you made up!"

"Yes!"

Xellos sat down and started tracing a design in the air. "If that weren't an inspired work of pure lunacy, it would be quite impressive."

Naga the Serpent turned toward Martina. "I thought you said we were doing this to get into the City Treasury!"

Lina looked thoughtful. "The City Treasury? Maybe we could move this brawl over there."

Amelia shouted out, "Miss Lina! We were hired to protect the Treasury, remember?"

"Oh. Yeah."

Conzul then began attacking the entire bunch from sub-space. Silphial and Naga began incantations (the Dragon Slave and the Explosion Array, respectively).

Lina shouted, "No! That won't work! Xellos, any idea what's going on?"

"The Monster Race has no loyalties, with few exceptions. I'd say that our old friend just turned on all of us."

"Well, what worked last time will work now." She began the incantation for the Ragna Blade spell.

When she was finished, Conzul had just appeared in normal space. With its normal black lightning, the Ragna Blade slashed him into tiny bits. While this was happening, a small, red-and-gold-fletched dart flew out of the lightning and struck Lina.

Zelgadis Greywords was the first to fall out of the celing. He was followed by Gourry, then Naga, then Silphial, then Xellos, then Martina, then Amelia, then Lina. Incedentally, they all fell on top of the man in that order. His last words before losing conciousness were, "Oh no, not again."

As no earlier account can be found of a chimera, a swordsman, two sorceresses, a monster, a princess of a destroyed kingdom, and two shrine maidens falling on anyone out of a ceiling can be found, his remark has been picked apart by historians, philosophers, and pulp fiction writers. It was later found that he was quoting a bowl of petunias named Agrajag. It was also found that he was an incarnation of an English everyman named Arthur Dent. An incarnation of Agrajag among those picking apart his remark made comments about poetic justice, which were immidiatly stricken from the record.

National scandal was just barely avoided when an immortal government agent looked at the pile, and then went back to his drink. Cardinals Ximnez, Biggles, and Fang looked at the pile, and immediatly went back to hassling innocents.

In the mathematical field of reciprinvirsexclusions (numbers that can only be defined as whatever they aren't), respectable masters of this most difficult branch are divided by their opinion of if a Somebody Else's Problem field was active in the area. Non-respectable masters insist that they were responsible.

It is the opinion of the authors that there was no SEP active. The archiver has confirmed this opinion by performing the nessecary tests.

At that moment, the WOD Characters' Union and the JTHM Characters' Union bamf!ed and charged into the FicWriters' Cafe. "I thought you said we had an exclusive! Bringing in major characters from outside is a clear violation of our agreement!"

"The terms of the agreement were that you had an exclusive for the first chapter. You insisted on price-gouging us with the exclusive, so we decided to bring in more actors."

The WOD Union Leader replied, "You can't do without us. We're supplying the locale, so you can't write the story if we go on strike."

Sidhe held up a pile of papers. "The WOD characters we're using are from a splinter universe. I created most of them and the locale we're using. They were never under your jurisdiction."

Both sides had the feeling that this was going to last a while. SoulfulZen, who had just woken up from a catnap, shot everyone. After a few hours of confusion involving the neurotic Sidhe's clones and homunculi, SoulfulZen ran out of bullets before he could kill his co-author. Ah well, he wasn't going to anyway.

"Hey! It's gonna take weeks for me to reassemble this many doppelgangers."

"Fuck you and your doppelgangers! Y MORKY PORK CHOPPIE MY BOOTZ!"

News of the labor talks still had yet to reach the actors. Nny and Roberta were still trying to find out what the Veil was. Everyone they asked claimed to have no idea. Some of the actors who knew the union represenatives grouped together and started experimenting with regulations to turn the situation to their advantage. Lina and company had bought four rooms and were trying to decide on sleeping arrangements. All of them were secretly experimenting with their union regulations, for the same purpose as everyone else who had a copy out. An excerpt from the conversation is as follows.

Gourry:"Okay, so Zel and I are grouped as normal."

Zelgadis:"Right. That leaves you ladies and Xellos to decide on your arrangements."

Lina:"I'm not waking up chained to the bed again."

Amelia:"That counts me out as a roomate."

Naga: "I'd like to catch up with Little Sister anyway."

Gourry (writing it down): "Got it. That leaves Lina, Silphial, Martina, and Xellos."

All others: "Huh?" (sound of books being shoved into pouches)

Gourry: "What was that?"

All others: "Certainly not union regulations!"

Gourry: "Oh, so I'm the only one with them out?"

Lina: "No, you idiot!"

Zelgadis: "This'll go a lot easier if we just put them away and go through them later."

All: "Right!" (they take them out anyway)

Gourry: "So, we still need to arrange Lina, Silphial, Martina, and Xellos."

Lina: "I'm not pairing up with that jerk. Not after the time she cursed me to suffer anything I inflicted."

Silphial: "And you can't pair up with Xellos, so that leaves us sharing a room."

Zelgadis: "Except that leaves Martina and Xellos in the same room..."

Martina: "Oh, I wouln't mind..."

Xellos: "I would."

Gourry: "Right. Scratch that."(crumples up paper and tries throwing it on top of a large stack)

Zelgadis: "We could go three to a room and have someone sleep in the bathtub."

Lina: "But that wastes our money on a room we aren't using! I refuse to spend any more than is nessecary!"

Aahz(mandius) (walking up): "Hello, cousin!"

Amelia (muttering): "And for a change, it's actually our money, not that of the Kingdom of Sayroon, because here, Sayroon doesn't even exist."

It was then that a flashback occured.

Lina was trying to pay for the rooms by charging them to the Royal Family of Sayroon (as usual), a group whose credit is not valid anywhere in the known Universe except for in the world of the group currently trying to use it.

"What do you mean, "this doesn't work"? Can't you see that this is the badge of the Soviergn Kingdom of Sayroon?"

"Sayroon? What's that?"

Amelia let out a breath. "At least I don't have to worry about what Daddy will say when he finds out about what Lina's doing."

They eventually tried to pay with gold, only to find that it wasn't accepted either. They then went into town, exchanged the gold for U.S. currency, walked back, and then bought the room.

The archiver found it funny that first, Lina tried to get money on the credit of Sayroon, a maneuver that is not accepted anywhere in the known Universe, including in the capital city itself.

Then a flashforward occured.

Nny had already tried several attempts to waylay Richard on his way to some room that nobody, including Odysseus(or Nobody), had seen before. Richard was firmly convinced that he was not being followed. Nny was aiming a gun when Richard entered the room. When he stepped in, he saw what was apparently some kind of ritual in progress.

" O Center... Blast and (no translation, but something very naughty indeed; the archiver, who is fluent in Cyene, describes it as 'junky, lunky, wunky, stunky, and what's the other word, and lots of bad stuff, woo.') and... and... !"

"Get him?"

"Yes! Get him!"

There is a discreet blackout.

When Nny woke up, he vaugly remembered walking in on some kind of ritual... and someone shouting, "Get him!"... and a bunch of people growing fur...

"What the heck just happened?" He then noticed that he was lying down on a bed. His back was up, and boy did it hurt. He looked behind him and saw someone who seemed to be from the Middle East applying large amounts of bandages. Very large amounts. He seemed to be muttering something about "idiot... moot... disrupted... start again... moron" and then noticed that Nny could understand him and switched languages.

The next thing he said in English was, "Okay, this'll sting a little." Nny's entire body was suddenly wracked with pain.

"What was that for! I thought I was going to die for a second, before I remembered that I can't!"

"Would Your Highness perfer it if I just let the wounds deteiorate?"

Richard's voice could be heard from the doorway. "Alex's right, you know. The attacks disrupted your Pattern, so we need to stabilize it. From what I'm told, a disrupted Life Pattern can't restore itself, and makes the problem worse when it tries. Plus, we don't need the wound getting infected."

SoulfulZen was confused. "What the fuck is he saying?"

Sidhe pulled out a purple book. "A Pattern is the supernatural aspect of something. A Life Pattern is the supernatural aspect of a living being. For some reason, Patterns can't regenerate damage to themselves. Healing Pattern damage requires that the Pattern be taught how to heal itself, through either magic or medicine. Fortunately, he was running quickly. Otherwise, his Pattern would be torn to shreds."

"But why did the attacks inflict Pattern damage?"

"Don't ask."

"By the way, what was Alex talking about?"

"He thinks that Nny is an idiot for disrupting a werewolf meeting and making them start again. The ritual that they were going to perform has to be done soon, or the center of power that the inn was built on will start failing."

"What?"

"Oh, nothing."

"Does this have anything to do with the Veil?"

"What Veil?"

The man that the Inverse group had fallen on had been crushed by the Elric brothers Full Metal Alchemist, arrived using a human-transmutation machine bought on EBay ("OW!"), the main Inuyasha cast arrived when they saw a space-time warp and started trying to hit it with pebbles ("OOF!"), the Love Hina cast went on a road trip and got lost ("WHY ME!"), The kids from South Park got sucked into a portal by some interdimensional being in the guise of a giant anus ("WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?") Nita, Dairine and Kit Young Wizards, gated into the wrong place ("JUST END IT NOW!"), Squad 7 Naruto, got really lost on a mission ("GLAAAACK!"), countless other characters ("AAAAAAAUGH!"), and an anvil ("thank you.").

Miroku made his traditional inquiry of Carmen and instantly found Ed and Inuyasha trying to pull him out of the opposite wall, Inuyasha using pure strength and Ed using a prybar transmuted from his automail. As the four South Park kids cursed a thick, fibrous cloud of obscenity about the inn, some creature or other straightened the cloud into an obscene tapestry (which, incidentally, depicted the sexual escapades of a relatively-unknown pedophile), which the children were wrapped in and forgotten in a closet. Ironically, this closet was actually a portal to another world, which they rolled through and found the of-late-forgotten Squee. But more on this later.

Several hours later, the new arrivals (Miroku excluded, as he was still getting his head fixed) were in a staff member's room. Some of them were examining her shrines, some were reading her extensive personal library, some were fighting over whose complete videotaped adventures they would watch first (can you say, "obsessed?"). This last group attracted Sidhe's attention.

"Cut, Cut, CUT! What do you think you're doing?"

All of them replied, "Fighting over whose complete videotaped adventures we're going to watch."

"Stop it!"

Ed walked up. "Who's going to make us?"

Sidhe took a piece of cutlery out of his pocket. All of the combatants shouted, "NOT THE SPOON!"

Ed coughed several times and saluted. "I mean, 'Yes, sir, at once, sir.'"

Sidhe dematieralized and shouted, "Lights! Camera! Action!"

Sidhe matieralized in the Cafe. "There. That takes care of that."

"What did you do to them?"

He whispered.

"You did that!"

He nodded.

"Excuse me while I vomit." Sidhe, covered in his co-author's lunch, lifted a spoon.

SoulfulZen made a move to block and was instantly face-down on the floor badly cut up.

"That should have blocked what you told me about. Why didn't it work?"

"You think I only have one spoon technique?"

"You know what? Fuck it. Time to die." He pulled out a large scythe. They fought, but SoulfulZen quickly cut his co-author's spoon hand off.

"Hey. That wasn't nice. You cut my hand off"

"Hey, no more of your little spoony crap. It's annoying. Besides, my almighty BAND-AID CURE spell will give it back." He stuck a band-aid to his co author's head and ripped it off, taking a good-sized chunk of hair with it.

"And now I have a bald spot. Thanks."

In another dimension, Yuko Ichihara was staring at a bowl of divining water with her apprentice, Kimihiro Watanuki. "See, Watanuki? Hitsuzen at work again. I told you the spoon man would have a bald spot within the hour."

"Oh. But what about the visitor in black?"

In the café, SoulfulZen announced, "C'mon, Siddy, we're going to a friend of mine's house. She has three bottles of the finest Kirin Beer I've ever tasted!" Sidhe rolled his eyes as his co-author tore a hole in reality and dragged him through.

"A visitor in black. Happy, Watanuki?"

"All right, you win, it's hitsuzen." SoulfulZen burst through the door, buddy in tow, and Yuko smiled, while Maru and Moro ran off for a bottle of beer and four glasses, one of which they returned when they found out that Sidhe intended to stay sober. Mokona, Yuko and SoulfulZen drank the entire bottle and ate nearly five pounds of food that night. It was a feast rivaled by few. In the morning, SoulfulZen found Sidhe and Watanuki playing a game of chess. Before Yuko could wake up hung over, SoulfulZen dragged Sidhe back to the café.

When Yuko woke up, she saw the lack of guests and mumbled, "Didn't see that coming."

Ha ha ha! That's it.