Whee! Randomness is here! Randomness is coming!

Just a reminder that this fic is stupid. It is meant to be. But I get a hell of a lot of fun from writing random stupidity. Everyone here is OOC.

And I'm well aware that Eva is not thick. I'm well aware that no one in the game is thick. But since this is extremely OOC, well…they are NOW! AHAHAHA! (coughs)

So, here we go again, with more randomness, with more Vergil, with more Mundus and how can we forget Cuddles?

Also, this is the first two-part chapter in this fic. Hoorah!

Read, Review but most of all ENJOY!

Chapter 6

And now, after two chapters that have been dedicated to a certain somewhat incapable red-clad hero who runs rampant in all games and bellows "Whoo-hoo-hoo-HOOOOO!", we turn back to poke some not so gentle fun at another somewhat bad-ass, somewhat clichéd but an all around incapable blue-clad antihero, who happens to have a hidden, secret, obsessive love for ribbons. Indeed, sometimes he will whip out Yamoto and "train" and "practise his swordsmanship" when in actual fact, he definitely does nothing of the sort and simply watches the sash float and twirl in the wind. This obsessive love is rivalled only by his love for cats.

And so, with perhaps no degree of surprise based on the content of previous chapters, we find ourselves watching the comings and wailings of one Vergil, who can be seen to be often whimpering and sobbing unashamedly while in the company of his pet demonic cat and a very fat turkey, who happens to be none other than the one and only Mundus. And it is also at this point where the "I" and "we" is suddenly eaten up by a raging rhinoceros, leaving the reader to watch as events unfold for themselves.

For once, in England, it was a brilliantly sunny day and some of the people of England (or the people in a small village of England) had automatically decided to celebrate by running out of the house while wearing no clothes or sun-cream in a bid to try and kill themselves.

Vergil couldn't help but smile at their antics, it was so quintessentially English to be quite frank about it. After all, it is a somewhat sad fact of life that the English can never do anything in a somewhat straight-forward manner; they simply love to make lives difficult for themselves and simply enjoy never taking the easy way out of whatever problem they create for themselves. And all the time while they would do this, they would take part in the most favoured national English past-time. Moaning.

"Oh no! I'm not tanning very quickly, am I?" Which meant, "Why aren't I dying faster?". Still, as said before, Vergil couldn't help but smile, and it gave him the appearance of a very demented, very drugged bottle of cider.

Mundus, however, was completely unimpressed, more concerned by the fact that Cuddles the demonic cat was staring at him hungrily. He glared up at Vergil and gobbled noisily, trying to get his servant's attention away from a particularly well-endowed and particularly naked female.

'Look here, you!' He demanded, trying to sound authoritative. Vergil didn't look away for an instant, staring at the woman pointedly, his mouth hanging open. Mundus sighed and glared at Cuddles before marching up to him, puffing his chest out threateningly. Sadly, this did nothing to scare off the cat; it just made him look even more fatter and therefore, even more tasty to a deranged demonic kitten. Cuddles mewed softly and started stalking towards the unsuspecting turkey, unsheathing his claws, his eyes flaring red. Mundus huffed and glared at him.

'Oh! How VERY original, you stupid cat! Do not forget that I MADE YOU!' he boomed, flapping his wings menacingly.

'Aw! What a cute little chicken!' came a sudden voice from behind him. Mundus pulled a face to himself, hating the word "cute". It was a horrible swear word, one that he had been brought up never to use by his mother, curse her wonderful soul. He turned around, about to give the newcomer a piece of his mind when he stopped still.

Before him, stood a distinguished, elderly man with white hair, moustache, and goatee who wore white suits and black ties, posed with a cane, and affected the title of "Colonel". Not that Mundus knew anything about that last bit, but Cuddles certainly knew who this man was. He was a legend, he was the one, the only, the most brilliant…

"MREOW!" Cuddles yowled.

Yes, Colonel Sanders.

The man slowly stooped down to pick up Mundus. He held him upside down, poked and prodded him and various areas before nodding with satisfaction and trying to rip off his legs. Mundus squawked and looked extremely pissed off by this less than respectful treatment and immediately started trying to peck the good colonel.

However, his attack was all in vain. Cuddles watched happily as the man walked off, with the angry turkey tucked away safely under his arm. He mewed and started to groom himself, acting totally unconcerned.

In the meantime, while all of this was going on, Vergil continued to stare perversely at the naked bra-less big busted woman. The woman frowned and then caught him staring, wondering why exactly there was a handsome man staring at her. After all, didn't every single English woman run out of the house with no clothes on when it was sunny? Unfortunately for her, she had no clue that Vergil had spent the last few years in the underworld, without a lot of human contact aside from when he fought with his brother.

But, well…he couldn't really be classed as a human either, could he?

Certainly not!

But, he suddenly realized that he hadn't ever been on a date, and now that he was back in the human realm for what seemed like a little while at least, now would probably be a good time to try.

He grinned, feeling confident that his looks and his looks only would bowl her over. After all, he did look like an Adonis and he'd read lots of books where girls flung themselves at attractive men as soon as aforementioned man looked their way. So, Vergil stuck his chest out, sucked in his already flat stomach, giving himself the appearance of looking anorexic and strutted towards the woman.

'Hello!' he drawled, expecting to be regaled by hugs and kisses galore. The woman merely sat where she was on the grass and frowned at him. Vergil didn't notice; his eyes were firmly riveted on her breasts. He cleared his throat, thinking that a compliment was definitely in order. He cleared his throat again and grinned in what he imagined was a seductive manner.

'Your breasts are like the beautiful Columbian peaks!' He crowed. The woman did not look impressed to say the least. Vergil managed to draw his attention away from her breasts to stare at her face for a moment. Okay…this wasn't going very well…he sighed, trying out another compliment. 'I can't wait to get my handies on your Andes!' He cried.

Cuddles looked up from his daily grooming session to watch as his pet hybrid yowled like a demented cat. Entirely unconcerned, he looked towards the girl Vergil had been trying unsuccessfully to chat up. It seemed as though she had screamed loudly and had slapped him, sending him into alternate bouts of seething pain and mental anguish. Vergil sighed and retreated so then he was sitting beside the demonic cat.

'I don't know how my brother does it, Cuddles,' he sighed. Cuddles frowned as best as a cat could before daintily licking his paws. If he had been able to speak English, he would have told Vergil that Dante also had no luck with women and chose to be like their gay best friend indeed. He would have also told Vergil that the reason why he had no luck was because he had inherited his mother's lack of social finesse.

Indeed, it was a great secret that Sparda had only fallen in love with Eva because she had intrigued him by her stupidity. He had followed her about, had impregnated her and become a husband all in a bid to see whether Eva was actually smart. Of course, the fact that he had been in heat at the time was just by the by. And as it turned out, Eva only got smart after she had given birth to the twins.

Apparently, labour pains will do that to a person and completely alter their mind-frame. But Sparda, being Sparda put it all down to the fact that he had worked miracles and was therefore brilliant.

Vergil sighed before looking around, suddenly noticing something amiss.

'Hey? Where's Mundus?'

---

Cuddles had eventually been forced to track down the turkey, only co-operating when the hybrid told him that he wouldn't buy him anymore Whisker's cat-food and would buy him something horrible, like KittyKat instead. Cuddles' food meant a lot to him, and Vergil had promised that once they found Mundus and got him out of whatever trouble he'd inevitably got himself into, he would buy Cuddles a lovely roast chicken all for himself.

So it was that Cuddles happily trotted along the road, with Vergil following close behind, ignoring the odd looks he was getting from the easily offended English public. Eventually, the cat came to a stop and mewed loudly, causing Vergil to look up from where he had been staring at the ground. He had found a lot of interesting things while staring at the ground, including an abandoned sock and little white balloons. He had been ill during the sex ed classes and so, knew nothing. As he stared at the building before him, he gasped in delight. For before him stood…

'BURGER KING!'

Well, no, actually it was Kentucky Fried Chicken but Vergil hadn't seen any kind of fast-food joint for one hell of a long time. The main reason for this somewhat excusable behaviour was because the only thing they had in the underworld that was remotely similar was a place called "Babies Yum Yum" which was run by Phantom. Surprisingly, it did not sell babies and for this, Vergil was thankful. However, it sold cattle dung, a rare delicacy amongst demons but one that Vergil had been pleased to do without. It was a thing that Vergil was proud of to say the least.

He slowly frowned at Cuddles.

'Why is Mundus at Burger King?' Cuddles mewed and if Vergil really knew his pet fully instead of just loving him, he would have known that the demonic cat was laughing at him as evilly as he could. Vergil sighed before doing the only thing he could; he walked inside, eyes wide as a huge variety of food accosted his senses. He looked around for any traces of a turkey before grumbling and walking right into the area where no one walked into if they could help it.

That's right.

Hell.

Or rather…

The kitchen.

While Vergil was hunting the kitchen for any signs of a lost fat turkey, Cuddles blinked in surprise as he watched the elderly man from before run out from the back, giving vent to angry gobbling noises. Cuddles blinked in astonishment before finally being able to put two and two together. He shook his head slowly before yowling loudly, over and over again.

Vergil, scared that Cuddles had come into heat despite the fact that he had castrated him using his own sword, ran out of the kitchen and picked up the demonic cat in a valiant but stupid bid to comfort him. His pet snarled immediately and clawed at him while Vergil, being more in shock than in pain dropped him onto the ground.

'Cuddles!' he whimpered, his voice wobbling dangerously. 'Why are you being so mean to me? I mean, I've never been mean to you! Never! I've given you the best food I possibly can, I protected you from those male hell sluts Mundus sent after us and I even made sure you didn't get hurt by those mean old ladies in the supermarket! Why, Cuddles? WHY?' he bawled. And then, still sniffling and whimpering like a sap, he reached into the deepest pocket of his blue coat and pulled out a cuddly toy rabbit that Eva had made especially for him. He snuggled it, sighed and then finally, calmed down.

Yet another deep dark secret that Vergil protected with all the ferocity of a wet ball of fluff.

With teeth.

Cuddles rolled his eyes at this unmanly behaviour before suddenly launching himself at him and snatching the toy rabbit away from him and running off with it in his mouth.

'WIBBLE!' Vergil screamed with horror, his most prized possession having been stolen away without so much as a by-his-leave. He sat there for a moment or two before his eyes narrowed dangerously, suddenly turning into the bad-ass that many of us have seen before and have come to love. He snarled before racing after his cat, with all the insanity of an angry pink elephant on steroids.

Cuddles rolled his eyes yet again, in what was considered a very sanctimonious manner, especially for a cat to pull off considering his face didn't have as many muscles as Vergil's. Still, as he ran down the road with a mouldy toy which had once been vomited upon and thrice peed upon in his mouth, he couldn't help but remind himself as to why exactly he was deciding to help Mundus and save him instead of leaving him to his fate.

Well, the answer was a rather simple one. The show of seeing Mundus trying to cope in the human realm was rather an entertaining one and it would be such a shame if the amusement suddenly came to a halt, all because of the fact that his hybrid pet, or rather, his mongrel had no bloody clue where to look. Cuddles gave a quick glance over his shoulder before speeding up just a touch, noting with a small amount of amusement that Vergil looked reminiscent of a rabid dog which had been hit one too many times by a brick wall.

Still, Cuddles had a job to do and he knew somehow, that the worst was yet to come…

To Be Continued…

Sometime in the near future…

Or distant…

Depending on when the authoress gets her arse together…

Which might be never…

DUM DUM DUM!