"This is my December,
this is my time of the year
this is my December
this is all so clear
And I ( Just wish that I didn't feel like there was something I missed)
Take back all the things I said to make you feel like this
And I (Just wish that I didn't feel like there was something I missed)
take back all the things that I said to you
This is my December
this is my snow covered home
this is me pretending
this is me alone
And I
am fine
and I…
and I'd
give it all away
just to have someplace to go to
give it all away
to have someone to come home to
This is my December
these are my snow covered trees
this is my December
this is all I need
and I…am fine
and I
and I'd
give it all away
just to have a place to go to
give it all away
to have someone to come home to
this is my December
this is my time of the year
this is my December
this is all so clear
-Linkin Park (My December)
I sat in the far corner of the library, immersed in my thoughts. This was where I had fled after the incident in the garden. Time, time was what I needed, time to understand what had happened, what was happening. What was happening?
Life would have been so much easier if I could just place my feelings, for Haldir, and Legolas…for everyone. What was I to do? As I sat there, trying to lose myself in a large velvet chair, all I could think about was how much easier everything used to be. It was simple, wasn't it? I could make everything go away if I could just go back to earth, the earth I lived on. Back to my life as myself, without Legolas and Mirkwood. Back to the emptiness, the feeling that I didn't belong…I felt that here. It was almost as if I'd never left earth. If I went back to earth, in spite of the loneliness…I would miss Haldir.
A stranger, yet not. We had connected in the garden, under the stars, and I knew it.
"Linwe," Haldir's voice broke through my thoughts.
"You are always sneaking up on me March warden."
"Are we no longer on a first name basis?" He raised his eyebrows, blue eyes searching my lavender ones; I looked away.
"We are," I said slowly, twisting the silver ring on my left hand.
"Then call me by my name." He settled in the chair across from me.
"Haldir."
"Better." We were silent for a time; he studied me, while I searched for anything else to look at, besides his eyes. "You're avoiding me." The tone in his voice told me he was amused.
"Way to state the obvious." His laughter rang out, clear and musical.
"Why?"
"I don't know, you tell me."
"Is it because of what happened in the garden, with you and I?
"Yes…and no."
"Then it's because of the argument that I had with your husband."
"I don't know," my eyes were started to well up. He watched me for a moment, then knelt in from of me.
"Then it is because you are on the verge of tears."
"No," I whispered, afraid if I raid my voice, he'd know I was lying.
"You are, I see them now." I closed my eyes, hiding them from his searching gaze. A hot tear trickled down my cheek, and I felt him gently brush it away with his finger. I opened my eyes, and looked into his. Clear, honest…they said so much. Thoughts I wanted to know, words I wanted to hear. I broke, sobbing into my hands, the guilt of my feelings and the confusion of my heart all too much. He gathered me into his arms, his gentle hands smoothing my hair. He whispered words of elvish into my ear, comforting me in my distress.
"I'm sorry," I whispered, raising my head, "It's just …this is a lot to deal with…and Legolas and- I know you didn't come here to let me soak your tunic with tears." He smiled then, a radiance that lit up his face with light. I looked down, and the moment was lost…the silence swallowing us.
"Um…thanks Haldir."
"You are most welcome," he replied.
"Um…if you'll excuse me," I made my way to the door quickly.
"Until next time," He smiled and turned to the rows of books blanketing the walls. I slipped out of the library, closing the door behind me. The sun had risen fully now, and it shined bright patches of light into the palace. I walked down the hall, seeking out something.
Before you can know who you are, you have to know who you were. I shoved this to the black caverns of my mind; I had only been here a day for goodness sake. Maybe Haldir was right, maybe I was being too hard on my self. It was strange to me to endure so much turmoil in one little day.
Exhausted, that's what I was, exhausted from all this excitement. Maybe it wouldn't hurt me to find solace in the comfort of my dreams. I sought out my room, dodging all forms of life. I did not wish to talk to anyone; all I wanted was to rest. There, I could be free. I opened the door to what looked like my room, and crawled under the covers of the large bed. Closing my eyes, I slipped into the world of release and slept.