Chapter 6 Pod!Rory vs Real!Rory
She walked with Jess's friend Matt silently to the elevator, a struggle still waging inside her mind.
Guilt, if there was one feeling Rory had come to hate it was guilt. Guilt was how she was usually manipulated to do things she didn't really want to do. Her grandmother especially was a master in using guilt to make her and her mother agree to things that they didn't really want. She thought that once she left had grandparents house that the manipulation would stop, or at least be cut back considerably. But once again she had been wrong about that, Logan had used guilt to control her. He had her so under his thumb that she even took him back because he couldn't have possibly have known they weren't broken up and that he couldn't sleep with all his bridesmaids. Once again the world revolved around him and his feelings. Her newly found strength to set her life on the path she wanted it to be, gone. Jess had given her that strength, he had woken her up from her downwards spiral. The excuses she used when other people asked why she wasn't back at Yale were no use on him. He could see right through them, right through her. Like he always could, and that scared her. He had told her that he knew her better then anyone and somehow she knew he was right, even her mother couldn't snap her out of her trance.
She had kept her mother a bay since she first slept with Dean. Normally she told her everything but…something had changed. She had changed, she didn't know why anymore. She had not loved Dean, he was married, why did she sleep with him? She didn't know. What had happened before…Jess. Somehow everything came back to him. Why?
He had come to her, she had sent Dean away and chose Jess once again over him. Why? She needed to talk with Jess. She had made herself believe that but, did she still? Last time she saw him before that he had wanted to talk with her. But she was angry and ran way from him. He chased her and ended up telling her he loved her. Shocked she couldn't say anything and all she managed to do was stare after him as he once again walked out on her and drove off.
He loved her but months later, knowing that but not knowing if he still felt that way she had chosen him over Dean. Granted it was only to talk but somehow it felt bigger then that now. Was it because she still loved him then, was it because she wanted him to prove to her that he could be trusted with her heart again? She didn't know but she did know that when he had told her he could be trusted she had let her fear answer instead of her heart. She had said no to him. There he was hot as ever, his hair not it its best style but still looked good on him, he was offering her what she had wanted to hear from him for so long. He told her how they were meant to be together, that he knew it from the moment he saw her. And she said no. He had told her how he loved her and that she could rely on him now and said had said no. He told her only no say no to him if she really meant, if she really didn't have any more feelings for him. And she had said no, and watched his heart break. The pain so clear in his eyes it had broke her own heart all over again, but she couldn't do anything, couldn't say anything. And he left, again. And she was alone, again. This time she wasn't going to hide behind schoolwork but she hid behind Dean. A married to Lindsey Dean. She was a home wrecker, and now she knew she had only slept with Dean for stupid reasons. Trying to get over Jess, trying to move on, trying to ignore her true feelings and bury them deep within her. After Dean she was alone again. Vulnerable, scared and hurt. Logan had been there and she had pulled herself together and tried to once again move on with her life. Logan had been something new to her, something exciting. First she had thought he was a mixture of Jess and Dean but she soon found out things she knew Jess just wouldn't do. But still she stayed with him changed herself so completely so she could please him.
Her first attempt to end it when she realized who she was becoming failed because Logan had told her he wanted her to be his girlfriend. Then she met the family and they weren't pleased with her as girlfriend to Logan. She didn't understand, she was a Gilmore. Her grandmother had made sure she had a coming out party and everything. She stole a boat with Logan and got arrested. She got away with it with 300 hours of community service. Her mother was disappointed in her and angry at the Huntzburgers. Still she wouldn't cut herself free from the family who was dragging her spirit down. She stayed with Logan, eventually began to work for his father at the Stanford paper. She had felt good about it until Logan's father had told her she didn't have it in her to be a good journalist. She had felt crushed, defeated and unable to do anything right anymore.
She dropped out of school, her mother wouldn't hear of it and refused to let Rory just give up. She wasn't going to stay at her mothers if she quit Yale. Crying in her grandfathers arms had given her a place to hide. Her grandparents went against her mothers wishes and took her in. She joined the DAR and planned events. Besides that she partied a lot with her boyfriend and his friends.
Time passed and nothing changed, she wasn't going back to Yale and started to sneak around more to avoid her grandparents. Then he came, like always he disrupted her life, this time he woke her up, wouldn't take her excuses and asked her what the hell she was doing? He had his life so together, he wrote a book, he looked good, and there she was. Living at her grandparents house, being in the DAR, Yale drop-out. Her spirit had awoken and once Jess left saying they'd catch up later she walked back into the pub she, Jess and Logan were in. Logan who had crashed and ruined their catching up date. He had been an total ass and jerk to Jess. And she was making excuses for him to Jess, ashamed that he caught her dating someone who was such a jerk. So she blew all her frustration about her life up at Logan, everything she wasn't happy with. After their fight he left and she thought it was just a fight. Later she heard from his sister they had broken up. She was free, but once again alone. Logan started to follow her around, even hired a coffee cart for her that followed her around constantly. She took him back and for a while things were good, she even moved in with him, until she found out that Logan had slept with his sisters bridesmaids and she broke up with him.
The strength she had found within herself since Jess brief visit left her as she took Logan back after being manipulated by him that he couldn't have dome anything wrong because he thought they were broken up. She hadn't forgiven him but was manipulated into saying she had. So she had since then been with him but not happy about it. She had counteracted almost everything he said if she spoke to him and took away articles from him just to hurt and embarrass him. She didn't pick up her phone when he called and basically just ignored him as much as she could. Then the mail came and there was an invitation from Jess's publishing. Drawn to him she had to come. Once there she was surprised to see Luke and meet April. But more surprised she was to the feelings she was feeling seeing Jess. They had fun, they flirted and he ended up kissing her. She thought back at those perfect few seconds of heaven. His warms lips covering hers and him drawing her in hungrily.
She raised her hand to her lips and touched them smiling slightly at the memory then quickly regained her composure and looked at Matt who hadn't noticed and still walked with her, now out of the elevator towards rooms 1147 and 1148.
Going back to her thoughts she remembered how she reacted to the kiss. She had backed off, he was confused, she had told him everything was fixed. But she had apologized to him and told him what a jerk she was. She then ranted on about how he had cheated on her and how she wasn't even cheated on him the way he had cheated on her. Jess had been confused by all of this and he didn't deserve what she did to him, he quickly caught on and guessed that she was still with Logan. He was angry, and he had a right to be. She had apologized again and told him he deserved better. He had told her that it was what it was, her, him. She smiled slightly at the thought but it quickly left her face. Looking back at their conversation like she had done a lot she knew now that she hadn't cheated on Logan the way he had cheated on her because he had slept with those girls because he wanted to get over her, go back to who he was and did before her. She had sought Jess out and given in to her feeling about him. She had wanted to kiss him and kissed him back when he kissed her. He didn't have feelings for those girls. But she did about Jess.
Taking a deep breath she prepared herself as if she were going to battle and forced a smile at Matthew "good luck" she told him as she entered room 1147.
Matthew looked as Rory entered Logan's room and wondered why Rory was doing this to herself. It was obvious to him she still had strong feelings about Jess, this Logan, she looked like she was preparing for war as she walked into his room to face him. Sighting he shrugged the thoughts off, it wasn't his business. He hardly knew the girl. With that he too prepared himself as he entered Jess's room.
Logan smiled at her as Rory walked in "There you are Ace. Honor said a friend of yours was shot, anyone I know?" he asked.
"Uhm, no, not really." She told him and convinced herself she wasn't lying to him because Logan didn't know Jess. He only met him once and was a total jerk to him and wasn't even interested in getting to know him.
"Ok, well is she going to be ok?" Logan asked assuming it was a girl.
"They don't know. It's complicated" She answered evasively then quickly changed the subject "but how are you feeling? Honor mentioned you had broken bones and internal bleeding when they airlifted you into here."
Letting his suspicions about whoever Rory was being vague and evasive about go he talked to her about his injuries and the stunt that had gone wrong.
Rory sat there on the side of his bed, only half listening to what Logan was telling her. She was feeling a lot of emotions right now, anger for Logan doing that stupid and dangerous stunt, fear that he could have been hurt, fear that Jess might not make it, guilt because she was paying more attention to Jess in her mind then Logan, and the one she was struggling most was the desire to leave Logan to himself and be with Jess because she had recently figured out she also still loved Jess. But she was with Logan, whom she also loved…she didn't know that for sure any more. But she promised to herself that she would not become that weak person she had become anymore. She was going to be strong and figure out what and most importantly who she wanted. And right now that person wasn't Logan. Time for honesty.
"Logan" she interrupted him.
Logan looked at her and could tell this was serious "what is it Ace?" he asked her.
"The friend I told you about. You have met him. You don't know him but you have met him that one time before our fight that made you think we broke up." Rory told him then added "It's Jess. Jess was shot and is in a coma in the room next to you. If he doesn't wake up soon he might die. Which is something he already did once today."
"What is Jack doing in New York. I thought he lived in Philadelphia?" Logan asked her.
"It's Jess just like my name is Rory" she said a bit annoyed then continued "And he does, he was helping out an old friend…it's a long story. All you need to know is he got shot doing a good thing. And although you don't like him he is still a friend of mine and I have to see him and be there for him." Rory told him.
"No, I'm hurt too and I want you to be here with me, not him. I'm sure he's got family or someone else to be there for him." Logan told her.
"I wasn't asking permission Logan. Please, try to understand." Rory pleaded.
"Fine, but only if you tell me you're not still in love with him." Logan told her.
'How about I tell you I'm not in love with you, you ungrateful controlling ass' the thought entered Rory's mind just a quickly as it left it and she stood there silently thinking of what to say. She couldn't lie and couldn't tell him the truth. "What I feel or don't feel for Jess, is not going to be the reason we break up. We have enough issues of you sleeping with bridesmaids and then manipulating me into letting me openly say I forgive you when I still haven't. And I don't know if I can. I was terrified when I got the call you were in the hospital Logan. But you put yourself here because you keep acting like an immature spoiled rich brat. I know you have different side to you but you hide it, even from me at times. You party, and do these stupid stunts and drink to escape your dad. Escape the life you don't want. You have to start dealing with your problems and your father and get yourself together. You don't like the way your life is headed you change it. No one else is going to do it Logan. Only you can change your life. Just like I had to change mine, you can have help from people but without the will to change you're not going to change." Rory told him in a rant.
"You know how my father is Rory, he will cut me off." Logan replied.
"I f you really want to change you'll find a way to deal with that. Look at my mom, she ran away from home at 16, no job, no money, and she managed. She even raised me in the process. And Jess, he had…issues. He flunked out of high school, took off and did God knows what but got himself together. He now works at a publishing agency and wrote a book. A book! How amazing is that. If you want to you can do whatever you put yourself to. I'm proud of my mom, and of Jess. But you…." Rory shook her head "You need to start standing up for yourself and your dream. Because if your dream only consist out of living off your father until you take over from him in a place you don't want to be. You are going to be unhappy for the rest of your life. No matter the amount of money you make or have." Rory stopped and looked at him "I care about you Logan, but I'm not going to be pulled down with you any more. I'm not breaking up with you but I do want you to start becoming the person you want to be, instead of who your father or any one else wants you to be."
"Proud? I don't need you to be proud of me, I need you to love me and be there for me when I need you." Logan told her.
"You, you and you. Everything is always about you and how you feel. There is more then you in this relationship Logan. I'm not some mindless trophy-wife or girlfriend or whatever. I'm not going to become your mother! I have had it, I open myself up to you again and give you another chance and what do you do? You tell me I'm just some object you can buy with coffee carts and or manipulate into doing what you want. Now Logan we are done. Get it we are broken up for good now!" Shoves the phone on the nightstand next to his bed into his arms "Now you can call one of your sisters friends who might be stupid enough to let you turn them in some mindless trophy-girlfriend." With that said she stormed out of the room closing the door behind her.
She took a deep breath and calmed herself as she glanced around and into Jess room where Matt was standing in the door way looking at her "you ok?" he asked.
Rory nodded "I'll be fine" she said smiling slightly as she said the words and knew them to be true. It had been a long time since she knew she was going to be ok without Logan in her life. She looked at Jess on the bed unconscious, and with tubes ticking in him. She just wished she knew he was going to be ok. "Do you mind if I…?" she asked Matt.
"Oh, go ahead. I should probably check if Wallace is here yet." Matthew told her smiling slightly.
"Thanks" Rory said smiling as well as she sat on Jess's bed and took his head "oh, could you close the door behind you?" she asked Matt's retreating form.
"You got it" he told her and did as she asked and left the two alone.
Rory look at a pale Jess and brushed with her free hand over his face "what am I going to do with you?" she asked. "I can't seem to get your out of my mind these days. I don't know if I ever let you out of my heart."
Tears started to make their way down her cheeks and she looked over his sleeping figure and continued talking "I've just broken up with Logan, as you may have heard, these walls aren't that thick. I don't even know why I stayed with him for so long. I knew from the moment I saw you again…you awoke me. Made me realize what I had done to my life. And how did I thank you, I let you kiss me, lied to you when I said everything is fixed. But I was telling the truth about it not being the same as he cheating on me was. Because it wasn't. He didn't care about those girls, where I still cared for you. You know when you called me at my Chilton graduation day and didn't say anything. I told you that I might have loved you but what I didn't tell you is that I loved you then and I think I still love you now. I know you weren't ready first, then I was angry, when you came back again I was scared and stubborn, mostly scared. I said no out of fear, I know that's stupid but you really…we really hurt each other. I was scared of a repeat of that. After that I was with Logan, and pushed you so far out of my mind I forbid myself to think about you. You wouldn't believe the things I've done since then. I broke up Dean's marriage, I'm a home-wrecker, I slept with a married guy. I gave my virginity to someone other then you. I wanted it to be you, you know. I even told my mom that. After our make up when you met my grandmother. I knew I was ready. I'm not blaming you Jess, I did this to myself. I'm proud of how you got your life together. I just wish things had gone different for us. You've probably moved on since my last screw up but if you can hear me and when you wake up and if you're still interested maybe we can figure something out?" she asked hopeful then sighted "We'll see, first you have to wake up. Because if you die on me and leave me again I will make sure you'll be buried in Stars Hollow, and I'll have Kirk organize your funeral. And Taylor say your memorial. So you better not die on me." Rory told him.
Rory looked at him and wiped the tears from her face "Please wake up Jess." she told him in almost a whisper. After a few minutes of staring she was about to give up when she felt a slight squeeze in her hand. She looked down and saw Jess's hand squeezing hers.
Smiling as relieved and happy tears now rolled down her face she looked up at those brown eyes she loved so much to look in. "Rory?" his voice cracked obviously he was confused.
Rory leaned forwards and kissed him then realizing she was kissing Jess she pulled back, she smiled "Thank God, don't ever scare me like that again." She told him.
Jess still confused and now shocked just nodded.
Rory smiled "You're in the hospital, you were shot, you remember?" she told him.
"Vaguely, although the pain in my chest should confirms that." He replied then added "Matt? Rachel?"
"They're fine, Matt was just in here before me. And the police is out looking for Aaron and his buddies." Rory informed him "I should probably get a nurse or a doctor here to check on you. You really scared me you know. Dying and then coming back only to still might die."
"I always come back." He told her smiling slightly.
"You'd better" she replied softly then pointed to the door "I'll be right back, doctor, nurse, informing your mom, Matt and the others." She told him. He nodded. "Don't you dare go anywhere" she threatened him.
He smiled and said "I wouldn't dare with nurse Gilmore on my case."
She smiled back "you'd better not, or this nurse is going to be very cranky."
End Chapter 6, a bit fluffy I know but more drama will come next chapter when jimmy arrives and Liz isn't too happy about that.