Once every few millennia, Light and Dark sit down for a chess game.
Yes, they get bored of it. But Dark isn't up for soccer, Light can't handle football, and neither of them want the fate of the universe to be decided by their loss at a math tournament.
Light picks its roster very carefully, taking the sixteen individuals that best fit the positions it needs. Unfortunately, this time around it failed to draft for compatibility.
"But I want to be a knight!" Sir-Not-Appearing-In-This-Film pouted.
"You haven't done anything to prove yourself yet," Ender Wiggin replied. "You can be a knight's pawn."
"Could I get promoted?"
"Maybe."
"Fine," he sulked. "So which are my choices?"
"Uh, Reepicheep and Jennifer."
"Jennifer T!" Ender was corrected by the knight in question.
"Um, sure."
"A damsel and a…" Sir-Not-Appearing-In-This-Film gazed over to b1. "Where's the other knight?"
"I am here, sire!" Reepicheep tried to raise his sword to salute Ender, but couldn't.
"A…mouse?"
"Mouse? Leafy!" Selenity Dreeb came over to examine Reepicheep, and picked up his tail. "Nice cord. Biosynthetic?"
"Not that kind of mouse…" Melinda the Mental Marvel laughed. "It's a creature."
"Whoa. More aliens?" Selenity looked around at the rest of the team. "All of you are the same species?"
"Yep."
"Wow."
Sir-Not-Appearing-In-This-Film looked over at the only character who looked even remotely like his description of a knight: male, grown, and armed. "Do you have a pawn yet?"
"Uh, no."
"May I be your pawn?"
Anakin looked over to Ender, who shrugged. "Okay."
"So when do we start?" the impatient queen asked. "I'm ready to kick dark butt."
"When the pawns line up." Ender looked up at the sky. "Could be a while."
"Well, can't they just…line up?"
"But there's lots of different orders. If they're all as picky as this guy, we might be in for a long wait."
"Okay, let me do this." Rachel turned to the pawns. "Anybody who doesn't want to be mutilated by a grizzly, get on a square."
With the exception of Ender, Rachel, Anakin, and Sir-Not-Appearing-In-This-Film, everyone crowded onto a2: the square that would be occupied by the Light farthest away from Rachel.
"Can't you take a joke? No? Okay, whatever. Spread out, I want to get started."
"I think we should use a different strategy." Ender walked over to a2 himself. "Okay…rooks first. Raise your hands?" He noticed four-armed Selenity. "One'll do. Okay…" He surveyed the pawns, and pointed to a young man in a flashy jersey. "El Gato, right?"
He nodded.
"You're Melinda's. B8, go." Ender turned to another young man. He was also in a jersey, but this one much plainer. "Uh…Blake?"
"Jimmy. Blake."
"Stay here. Selenity, you're behind him. Everyone else over this way…Reepicheep? Your pawn can be this guy." Ender nodded towards a banner-holder.
"Hello." Reepicheep solemnly extended a paw in greeting.
His pawn looked down and nodded. "I will defend you to the death."
"It would be my honor to die for my serf."
Ender looked warily at them. "I'd appreciate it if you didn't kill each other off before we started." He moved on. "Anakin has his…Ah. Rachel's square." He looked at Jonas, not much older than Ender himself. "Is Rachel going to be able to handle you?"
Jonas stared back, confused. "You mean can I handle her?"
"No." Ender did not give him the privilege of a response and moved to his own pawn's square. "Eh, don't care. Who's left? Anybody want to be in front of me?"
Two tentatively raised their hands. Ender confronted them. "Why?"
A boy in a baseball hat responded, "Because you're in charge. A hero. I want to be around you."
"And you?" Ender whirled on the other hand-raiser.
"What he said, I guess."
Ender smiled at the remaining pawn. "You're mine. Over here, Moraine? I want Meg to be with you." He stepped over to the last empty square. "This yours, Jennifer?"
"It's Jennifer T," the boy in the baseball hat grinned.
Ender narrowed his eyes. "How do you know?"
"She keeps going on about it. When she's not trying to prove that I know nothing about baseball."
"Well, what do you say to a guy who thinks the Dodgers won the World Series last year?" Jennifer T turned to Ender.
"They did! I'm telling you!"
"The World Series?" asked Jimmy Blake.
"Y'know, like the championship?"
Jimmy guffawed. "Brooklyn won a championship?"
This silenced both Jennifer T and Benny, her debater, as they stared quizzically at Jimmy and then each other.
"Benny, you're her pawn, I suppose."
Ender returned to his own square, and began to prepare a plan.
Meanwhile, the dark side was getting seriously busy preparing its very large and controversial team.
"Are we ready?"
"Yah!"
"Are we going to win?"
"Yah!"
"LET'S KICK SOME LIGHT A$$!"
"Yah!"
"Leeetttt's Heeeeaaaar IIIIIItttttt!"
"DARK! DARK! DARK! DARK! DARK! DARK! DARK! DARK! DARK! ..."
"Take your places..."
"DARK! DARK! DARK! DARK! DARK! DARK! ..."
"I said, 'TAKE YOUR PLACES'!"
"DARK! DARK! DARK! DARK! ..."
"EVERYONE GET IN YOUR SPOTS NOW IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE OBLITERATED!"
"DARK! DARK! DARK! DARK! DARK!"
"If you want to win, we need to get on the board..."
"Aaah. Aaah... DARK! DARK! DARK! DARK! DARK! DARK! DARK! DARK! DARK! DARK! ..."
"I think we'll be here a while..."
"DARK! DARK! DARK! DARK!"