Chapter 7: Not an Accident
Monica didn't know how long they sat there, on the chair, Chandler's arms wrapped tightly around her, but she didn't care. In her mind the longer they sat there, the longer it would be until he realized what he was doing and wanted to stay away from her. She was amazed that after he had learned so much about her life and was still here now.
Chandler held Monica tightly until she finally stopped crying. He then carefully lifted her off of him, and stood up.
Monica felt Chandler trying to get out from under her and immediately thought the worst. This was it. He was leaving. He didn't want to be with her anymore. He wanted out. He had to get away from her. Silently, she watched him walk across the room and pick up two objects off of the top of the television. He turned to look at her.
"Which movie do you want to watch first?" He asked.
Monica almost laughed at how stupid she was being. She was overreacting to everything and she had to stop. "You choose," she told him quietly.
Chandler seemed to weigh his options for a second before picking one and plopping it into the VCR. He then returned to the chair, and again pulled Monica into his arms. He watched the opening credits roll out and by the time the actual movie started, he knew she was fast asleep. Chandler sighed softly; still not able to process everything that had happened to her. He was glad that she had trusted him to finally tell him everything, that she had allowed herself to drop all of her walls and let him see her real self. It still troubled him immensely that she had such a low self-perception, like she was ready for him to leave at any time. He was determined to convince her otherwise, to help her build up her confidence and become the person he knew she deserved to be. He could barely believe what she had told him. How could anyone, especially her mother, say such things to her? She was so perfect and beautiful and amazing. He loved her so much. He was actually in awe that you could love someone this much. Chandler decided to leave the movie playing, only turned down the volume. It wasn't long before he to was asleep.
Monica felt her body begin to fight for consciousness as she slowly began to awake. Currently, she was somewhere in between awake and sleep, unaware of her whereabouts or surroundings, but knew she felt safe and comfortable, wherever she was. As her body started to win the battle between awake and asleep, she was aware of more; warmth, safety, and above all else, love. She slowly opened her eyes, and blinked them a few times to focus. It was then that she realized she was not in her apartment, not in her bedroom with the bare walls, on the small, hard single bed. She glanced around, immediately recognizing the apartment as Chandler's. She then became aware of the fact that she was on the chair beside him, his arms wrapped firmly around her waist. Monica couldn't remember the last time she had felt so comfortable before in her life. She wondered briefly why she was there, before the events of the previous night came rushing back. She remembered all that had happened, everything that she had told Chandler.
Monica closed her eyes briefly before glancing around the room, trying to find out how late it was. The small clock on the VCR told her it was early in the morning. She stayed still for a few moments, trying to decide what to do. Before she could make up her mind, she realized she badly had to go to the bathroom, but she soon as she moved away from him, Chandler's arms tightened slightly around her. At first she thought she had woken him up, but she glanced behind her to see he was still asleep. His eyes were closed and he looked so peaceful. Monica smiled to herself. It told her something that his sub-conscious self wanted her close to him. She gently pulled away and hurried across the room to the bathroom.
When she exited the bathroom, she spotted Chandler sitting in the chair, blinking sleepily, watching her.
"Hey," she said gently, walking towards him.
"Hey," he reciprocated, standing up. "I guess we fell asleep."
Monica giggled.
"What?"
"Nothing, you're just stating the obvious, is all."
Chandler smiled warmly, pulling her into a hug.
Monica sighed as she relaxed into his arms, resting her head on his shoulder.
Chandler pulled back a little, resting his forehead against hers. "I love you," he whispered.
Monica smiled. "I love you, too." She tilted her head slightly, brushing her lips up against his. She immediately felt the sparks that she felt each and every time they kissed. It was like a connection, that only they could feel, like they were the only two people in the world.
Chandler kissed back, softly, allowing Monica to make any advancement, which she did. She deepened the kiss, and wrapped her arms around his neck. The kiss got even deeper and Chandler felt Monica's hand cautiously reaching for the hem of his shirt. He took this as a sign and slowly began moving his hands around to the front of her body, and slowly moved them upwards. He was startled when Monica suddenly jumped back. He looked at her, concerned.
"I-I'm sorry," Monica stuttered. "I-I can't, I haven't…I'm scared, cause I haven't…and—"
Chandler cut her off by placing his finger gently on her lips, silencing her. He smiled and stepped forward, pulling her into a light hug. "Shh, sweetie, it's okay. I love you, don't worry. Nothing has to happen until you are ready, okay?"
Monica nodded, her head against his chest. Chandler felt her shaking slightly in his arms. "Oh, Mon," he whispered. "It's okay, really. We can wait as long as you want, I'm in no rush. Look, it's late and you're tired-"
Monica pulled back. "No rush?" She asked loudly. "Chandler, we've been dating for more than six months, for crying out loud! That's a lot longer than a rush. I just…I wish I was normal."
"Normal?" Chandler asked.
"Yeah, normal. Like every other person in this world. I wish I could trust myself. I wish I could trust you. I wish I could trust people in general, but I can't. I hate myself. I hate who I am. I hate everything about myself." Monica trailed off for a few seconds. "Why are you here?"
"I'm sorry?" Chandler asked.
"Why are you here?" Monica repeated. "Why are you with me? I'll never be good enough for you. I was never good enough for anyone. I was an accident. I wasn't supposed to be here. They didn't want me. I'll never be what you want. You've invested so much time in this relationship for nothing. My God, after all this time, and I won't even let you get close to me. Some girlfriend I am, I won't even have sex with my boyfriend." Monica's eyes began to well up again. "I should just leave now. It'll save you the trouble of telling me to go." She tried to pull away from Chandler, but he wouldn't let her.
"Don't you dare," Chandler said firmly, holding her in front of him, not letting her run. He knew if she left now he would lose her forever. "First of all Mon, I'm not in this relationship for sex. I'm in it because the first time I met you, when we bumped into each other on the street, I felt something for you, something that I still can't describe." Chandler paused, knowing he had already told her this only a few hours before, but knowing she had to hear it again. "I love you, Mon, and I always will. And I don't see the time we have been together as 'invested time,' I see it as the best time of my life. I love spending time with you, Mon. I love it and I don't want you to go, ever. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, okay? For so long I was terrified of commitment, and then I met you and nothing else mattered. The thought of spending one day less than the rest of my life with you terrifies me. And how can you think you were an accident?"
"Because I am. I have no reason for being here, for being alive." Monica said, without looking up.
"I can prove to you that's not true."
Monica looked up at him, her eyes showing just how vulnerable she was. "How?" She asked softly.
Chandler smiled. "I know you were meant to be born." He paused for a moment, looking Monica right in the eye. "Because you are the person I was supposed to fall in love with. You are the person I am supposed to be with. And I love you so much that I know there is no way this could be an accident." He felt Monica shudder slightly as her eyes welled up with tears.
"Thank-you," was all she said as she wrapped her arms around his neck. Chandler smiled and held her close.
"Thank-you," Chandler told her. "I love having you in my life."
"Even though I'm such a pain?"
"Even though you're such a pain," Chandler said jokingly, causing Monica to giggle slightly. "You're not a pain, okay Mon? So you've got issues, so has everybody."
Monica sighed and stepped back, allowing her hand to linger on the side of his face. He lifted his hand up to her face, gently wiping the one lone tear that fell from her eyes. She smiled at him and he used his other hand to grab her hand and kiss it gently. "I really do love you."
"I love you, too," she whispered, and then sighed. "I guess I should be getting home now."
Chandler shook his head, but Monica cut him off before she continued.
"Don't worry, I'm not trying to get away, I'm just gonna go home."
Chandler laughed slightly. "That's not what I meant either. It's just…we live in New York City. I don't want you going home at three o'clock in the morning."
Monica smiled at Chandler. "I know how to take care of myself," she said.
"I don't doubt that, but there's a lot of weird people out at night. I don't want you to get hurt."
Monica offered him a slight smile, and tilted her head lightly. "Chandler," she began. "I know what kind of people are out at night. I spent a year sleeping on the streets at night."
Chandler seemed to think for a second. "Right," he said. "I didn't think of that. Well, at least let me walk you home."
Monica shook her head, she still didn't want him seeing the apartment she lived in. "No, that's okay. I think I can manage by myself."
"I don't want you walking home alone," Chandler repeated.
Monica sighed. "Then what do you propose I do?"
"Stay here," Chandler said, after a moment of hesitation.
"Chandler," Monica started. "You know I'm just not ready."
"Oh, I know," Chandler assured her. "And nothing has to happen. You can have my bed, and I'll sleep on the couch."
"No, I couldn't let you sleep on the couch."
"It's really not a problem."
"No, it's okay, I have no problem walking home."
"Well, I have a problem with you walking home."
Monica sighed. "Fine, I'll stay here, but I'll sleep on the couch."
"Now, what kind of gentleman would I be if I made the lady sleep on the couch?"
"First of all, you're not making me sleep on the couch. I'm sleeping on the couch voluntarily. Second of all, I wasn't aware you were a gentleman." Monica said, her tone light and joking.
Chandler laughed. "Whatever," he said, rolling his eyes. "Anyway, you just go ahead and sleep in the bed. I have no problem with the couch."
"I will not let you sleep on the couch, while I'm sleeping in the bed."
Chandler seemed to contemplate something for a moment. "How about we both sleep in the bed?"
Monica seemed taken aback for a moment. "You mean just sleep?"
Chandler nodded.
"Okay," Monica said after she had considered the offer. She smiled. "I like that idea."
"Good," Chandler said, also smiling. "Here, I'll see if I can find something for you to wear." He walked to his room, and then returned with his smallest pair of sweat pants and an old Knicks sweatshirt. Monica smiled at him gratefully. She took them and walked to the bathroom to get changed. When she returned, Chandler was exiting his room, wearing clothes very similar to hers.
"We match," Monica said, jokingly.
Chandler laughed. "I'll be ready in a minute. I just have to go to the bathroom. Make yourself comfortable."
"Okay," Monica said. She walked towards Chandler's room, cautiously opening the door. She stood there for quite some time, just staring at his bed, not sure of what she was going to do. She was startled when she felt a pair of strong arms wrap around her.
"Sorry," Chandler said, from behind her. He gently rested his head on her shoulder. "You okay?"
"Yeah," Monica said, timidly.
"You're shaking."
Monica hesitated. "I've never done this before."
Chandler silently pulled away and walked around to face her. He gently took her hand. "Trust me," he told her.
Monica was about to say something when she looked up, into Chandler's eyes. It calmed her. She nodded to him, telling him she was okay, telling him that she trusted him.
Chandler led her forward, and pulled the covers back. He sat down, and moved to the middle of the bed, pulling Monica down beside him. Monica sat down, and turned to look at Chandler.
Chandler was taken aback by the look on her face. She looked so scared and so vulnerable, but there was also trust there. He offered her a smile and laid down, his arm outstretched beside him, an invitation to lie down. She seemed to contemplate for a second before doing so.
Monica was absolutely terrified as Chandler led her over to his bed. She trusted him, and knew he would never do anything to hurt her, but she was worried about doing something stupid in front of him. She watched him lie down and wait for her to follow suit. She wished she had never agreed to this. After she didn't move for a few seconds, she felt Chandler lift his hand up behind her to rub her back, soothingly. Monica took a deep breath and very slowly lay down, her back to him. She allowed him to wrap his arms around her.
Chandler smiled as Monica lay down. He pulled her into his arms and rested his head on the side of her neck for a few seconds. "Is this okay?" He asked.
Monica nodded. "Yeah," she said after taking a deep breath. "I just need to calm down."
Chandler smiled, feeling her heartbeat gradually begin to slow down. He planted a light kiss on her shoulder before resting his head on the pillow behind her head. He stayed awake until he was sure she had fallen asleep. He then promptly followed suit.