author's note: I think this going to be switched to R because of what's coming. Actually I really don't know what's coming this could go anywhere. Read, and feedback is always apperciated..
Mornings are always kind of a blur. Preparing myself for the day always is. Curls, glitter, gloss, ponytail, jeans, sparkles, and pink. All run together. Today proved no different. In little selections, I pretend to care. It's all about the appearance in the big game I play. A short skirt, some lip gloss, and combed out hair. I know I can be tough with these things. I know I can manipulate with these little things. Driving down the highway to school, everything going past me, the music blasting through my speakers. My window's down and I put my hand out of it, lighting a cigarette and taking a drag.
It's not like I started smoking again on purpose, I mean, ew, the only time I ever did that was like in 8th grade like to be cool, but it was something I did now. I wasn't even sure exactly why. Wearing hugeblack sunglasses my dark hair sticks to my lip gloss and so I tuck it behind my ears, and drive along the shore. Everything here is so perfect, and so beautiful, so protected, and yet I still want the world, and then some. When I get to school I live my life out in the way everyone expects me to. Parking up front in my reserved spot, finding Marissa and giving her a hug. The sun is shining bright today, and she still looks sad. She always looks sad these days. Everything in my perfect world is built up on routine; I'm not quite sure what I'd do if it all shattered down. But then again, why am I trying to make it break in every way possible then? I closed my brown eyes but no one can see them behind my sunglasses, thinking is way too difficult sometimes. Especially when I'm already concentrating. Concentrating on pretending.
"Summer, I love your skirt!" Some girl…Alicia I think? Comments on as I walked arms linked with Marissa into the quad.
"Thanks!" I say back with a bouncy smile. My glossed lips parted, flashing something irresistible. I know a lot of people hate me for this. I know a lot of people love me for this. It's all part of the grand charade. And I'm the star. Seth Cohen is sitting with Ryan at a table in the courtyard. I would pretend not to notice, but as long as I'm being honest, I'll admit that I do. I admit that I give him the once over; he's so fucking skinny and so fucking stupid. I get a diet coke and bite my straw. But I'd never admit it's in frustration. As the day goes on I do everything right. I ignore Ryan as he passes me in the hall, and ignore the flushed embarrassment at the fact that he knows now. He knows and he saw it all. I make a point in my head that I must never talk to Ryan again. Or at the very least pretend nothing happened. Because nothing happened, right? I keep on walking, and keep on sending something irresistible at those specially selected. I nearly choke on my own lip-gloss when I hear someone all too familiar say something from behind me.
"Summer Roberts." I turn around to fine the petite blonde with the shaggy little pixie cut falling into her eyes, in a light purple tank top and faded blue jeans. She looks older somehow, a lot less doe eyed. I smile at her, my lips parting and eyes slanting just a little.
"Anna!" I say. Maybe I can just blow her off, dismiss her because she is just this annoying remembrances of last year. She has seen me at my weakest, and she might even have this crazy idea that me and her are equals. I mean what if she thinks she has like some power over me? I keep on smiling. Hopefully she'll just go the fuck away.
"What are you doing here?" because…I really do want to know. I thought she had gone to Pittsburg or Philadelphia or something like that. What was she doing back here, reminding me?
"I decided to move back for a little bit. Finish up senior year here, I got an offer for an internship out here that I couldn't really refuse. I figured I'd just finish up school here and then graduate maybe even earlier than all of you."
Perfect. She was here to stay.
"So Summer… I know you and Cohen aren't together anymore, I talked to Ryan this morning and I'm not going to act all stupid and pretend like I don't know. I know things were weird between us but I was thinking we could start the year off as, friends, I mean for like real."
Friends? Was she fucking kidding? I had so many better things to do, and I was right she DID think we were equals. Did she not realize I was doing a favor here standing here and talking to her?
"Yeah of course!" I said with a smile and a little head nod. "Friends would be great!" I hoped she'd let me go now. I could hear the breaking sound of my perfect little routine start to fall apart. I really couldn't let that happen.
"So like….you wanna come ditch 7th with me then?" She said her, blowing her little pixie cut out of her eyes. Big eyes hopeful.
I wanted to say no. I mean like I really did. But for some reason I had to go with her.
So that's really how I ended up giggling with Anna behind some convenience store. She passed the joint from me to her. My sparkly nail polish was just so interesting all of a sudden.
"It's just so sparkly Anna! I MEAN LOOK!!"
I raised my hand up in the sunlight. There were so many sparkles!! I didn't know where to start counting them. Infinite, and it was so fucking funny! I let myself lean against the brick coldwall and laughed together in the late afternoon's fading light. In my right mind I would have been disgusted with myself, but I wasn't in my right mind. And for nowI couldn't remember the last time I was in my right mind. It just felt so nice not to pretend.I was just so exhausted. So damn tired.
You might have even looked at us and dismissed us as just two high teenage girls from the outside. But we were both much more fucked up than that. And as much as we both would never admit it, we were both loosing control over the same thing. And that was the common bond we'd always hold. But soon I'd know I'd have to check Anna off my list, because now she knew my weaknesses. But for now I just giggled in the orange sun light, and wasn't myself. But then again these days, when was I ever?