~*~ Knights & Lovers ~*~
By Vick330
Disclaimer: Final Fantasy VIII and its characters are property of Squaresoft. No patent and/or copyright infringement is intended.
Foreword: The following contains erotica scenes, and is meant for mature readers. Please use discretion, and if sexually explicit material offends you do not read any further.
~*~*~*~*~
It runs, it runs,
The illness known as Love
In every child's heart
Be they young, be they old…
It sings, it sings,
The impudent river
Uniting in its bed
The blonde
The gray…
(Michel Sardou – La Maladie D'Amour)
(freely translated from French)
~*~ V – A Knight To Remember ~*~
Is Love an illness?
For a long time, I thought that it was indeed an insidious sickness, one meant to cause suffering, and weeping in the dark.
When I was a teen I fought it, refusing to give in to what I considered a distraction - and yes, also a weakness. I faltered once, just to end up feeling humiliated, wounded, and foolish for letting myself show vulnerability. I got over it after a while, as I understood that what I mistook for love was nothing more than a need for comforting.
Once things settled after the whole Ultimecia affair, I was given my license back and I vowed to never attempt to find solace with another, ever again. I had my career, I was famous and respected, the gifts I received from all over the world eliminated all financial worries, and I had close friends whom I cherished. I didn't want to risk getting hurt again, and I truly believed that I had healed from Love.
And then Seifer Almasy surrendered himself to Balamb Garden.
He simply showed up at the main gate, deposited his weapon on the ground, and didn't resist his arrest. He took whole responsibility, pleading for Raijin and Fujin, and I guess that even Squall was impressed by his old rival's courage and selflessness. Due to attenuating circumstances, the trio was accepted back to Garden - with very severe conditions, I might add. They worked hard to prove themselves, and Seifer the hardest.
We have all moved on since then, Life bringing us through its uncharted paths. I love my life, and I am contented and fulfilled. But sometimes, when the festivities of the Winter Solstice are upon us, I am reminded of a certain night…
~*~*~*~*~
Many things changed that year, and I just couldn't get myself into the spirit of the celebrations. After the coming of the New Year, Squall and Rinoa would leave for Esthar, where they would take charge of the newly built Esthar Garden. Selphie had been named Hedamistress of Trabia Garden, and she would leave shortly with Irvine for the cold continent. Zell had been just promoted Commander at Balamb, and I was to supervise the construction of Centra's Garden.
It meant that we would all go our separate ways, and even if I didn't show it, melancholy owned my heart. I just hadn't realized up to then how much stability my friends gave me, or how much I would miss them.
I needed some time by myself, to collect my thoughts away from all the frantic activity. That is why I decided to spend a weekend at the 'Old Radar Station', located high in Balamb's southern mountains. The place had been well built, and it was a pity that it had long since become obsolete and left to decay, as its location gives a breathtaking view of the plains below. Only high-ranking SeeDs knew of its existence, and at the time it was totally abandoned. There were two reasons for this, it could only be reached after a difficult trek on a treacherous path, and it was forbidden to visit it because of some old regulation.
I am not one to blatantly defy Garden's directives, but the place promised to be the haven of solitude and tranquility that I desperately longed for. Not wanting anybody to know where I was going –especially Selphie, who would have been sure to attempt to change my mind- I packed provisions, donned my hiking gear, and headed for the refuge.
The day was damp, chilly, and I was well on the trail when a cold downpour started falling. It took me over four hours to reach my destination, the rain had turned to wet-flurries by then, and I was drenched and feeling quite miserable.
Finally getting a glimpse of the station, I noticed with annoyance that it was obviously occupied – damn. I couldn't go back, as I would be caught by dusk on the path, and so grudgingly decided to spend the night there anyway. I walked to the door and knocked decisively, not wanting to surprise the current resident of the premises. Rusted hinges creaked, and there appeared…
"Seifer?"
"Huh, er… Instructor," he blurted out, "I… what are you doing here?"
Feeling more than a little irritated, for my dreams of a quiet weekend had clearly been shattered, I challenged, "The question is, what are YOU doing here? And at any rate, this area is off-limits."
As soon as the words left my lips, I realized that I was also at fault. I truly expected him to act in his old, cocky way, and use the situation to his advantage, but instead he simply offered, "Maybe we could talk about this inside?"
I was tired from the trip up, and the interior looked warm and inviting. Short of sleeping outside, I didn't have much of a choice anyway. He stepped aside to let me in, and I silently accepted the invitation. Seifer gallantly helped me out of my coat, I kicked off my heavy mountain boots, and sat cross-legged on a thick rug near the fire he had started in the hearth. To my pleasure, he tentatively offered me a plastic glass filled with a rich, spicy wine – it was quite welcome.
"So, why are you here?" I prompted him.
"I found out about this place when I was in the disciplinary committee." He said in a soft tone.
"Let me guess," I continued, "You needed some time to yourself, and wanted to be alone."
"In a nutshell, that's it." He agreed.
I had only been up there two times, and was surprised that the place seemed well cared for. There was no electricity, but several candles gave a surreal illumination, and the old slow-combustion fireplace efficiently heated the sole room.
Noticing my perusal of the accommodations, my companion explained, "Since I've been allowed to leave Garden, I've been coming regularly and straightening the place up. As far as I know, nobody else has been here in years."
I chuckled as a thought occurred to me, "Had I known you had a fire going, I wouldn't have carried a portable heating unit."
"Oh, there's plenty of wood around, and there's a stream that runs just beside the cabin." He said with a smile, "I also have a good collection of canned goods, are you hungry?"
I must confess that I was a little taken aback by his gentleness, but I was ravenous and a meal sounded like a good idea. I nodded my agreement, and he went to busy himself in the kitchen-section. He had even brought a portable gas-grill, and soon enough delicious scents filled the air.
For some reason, things always look brighter on a full stomach, and I guess the wine helped too. We spent the evening talking about the memories we still had from our childhood, filling each other's gaps as best we could. We did have happy moments at the orphanage, and contrary to popular belief Seifer wasn't a bully back then. Things just didn't go as well as they should have, I guess…
After a while, a long silence hung between us. I felt quite relaxed and content at that moment, and a delicious languor spread throughout my body. I remember staring at the flames in the hearth, as they lazily stroked the logs, and in my state of mind they reminded me of lovers gently caressing. My companion brought me out of my musings by offering me more wine, and sitting close to me.
"Say, Quistis," he started tentatively, "Us being here… well, it wouldn't look good on our records, so…"
"So, lets never talk about it." I completed.
"Right," He agreed, "Actually, I am glad that you're here, I wanted to talk to you anyway."
"About what?" I inquired.
He took a deep breath before replying, "Most people at Garden seem to have forgiven me, enough to make me feel like I belong again."
"You've proven yourself, Seifer," I said softly, "We all recognize your hard work and dedication."
"I know, but I still feel like I've failed you…"
That took me by surprise, "Failed me?"
"You invested a lot of time and effort on me, I've always been aware of that, but I was too proud to accept your help at the time." He paused, the confession obviously difficult to him. The last part was delivered rapidly, as if he sought to get it over with, "I wanted so much to impress you, to become a SeeD with flying colors, to prove to you that I was worth something… and I screwed up royally in the end."
"Don't say that. You made mistakes, that is true, but I… I feel like I've failed you, I feel I should have tried harder to reach out to you…"
He turned his face towards me, before stating, "You can't help someone who isn't willing to pull their own weight, Quistis."
I looked sideways at him, and saw the loss evident in his eyes. I noticed a few silver strands at his temples, contrasting with his blond hair… he was but in his early twenties, and what he had lived through had already taken its toll.
In an attempt to lighten the mood, he offered in typical Seiferish fashion, "You can't pull or lift me anyway, too heavy for that."
Following his lead, I replied with a mischievous smile, "I can pull, lift, or drag you anytime I wish, just remember when we were kids."
"Oh, but I have grown since then, and I am pretty sure I'd have the upper hand now."
Caught in the lightheartedness, I challenged him, "Sure, you're all talk and no…"
I didn't finish my sentence, as he effectively pinned me to the floor in a playful manner. I could have easily thrown him off, he wasn't seriously trying to restrain me, but his smile and the laughter in his eyes made something pass between us. He made to pull away, and started an apology, but I drew him towards me. I was starving for affection, and I had denied for my needs to be fulfilled for too long. When I claimed his lips, in a gentle and lengthy caress, he returned the embrace. It felt right.
It felt good…
There are those moments in life when time stands still, and when all takes the elusive quality of a dream. My hands found their way under his shirt, his skin was warm under my touch, and after a short hesitation he gave in to my ministrations. A part of my brain fought the feelings I was experiencing right then, but I needed to be held, I needed to be comforted, I needed to be touched as he was doing with more and more confidence.
Clothing was slowly peeled away from our bodies, as both of us wanted to prolong the pleasure of discovery. We explored each other, with hands and mouths, kissing and touching so soothingly … so gently.
"Quisty, are you sure you want to do this?" He whispered in my ear.
Why is it that men have to ask that particular question at such times? There we were, me down to my bra and him with his boxers around his ankles, so I guess it was pretty obvious where things were going. I understood that it was his way to show me that he cared about me, and I knew that had I asked for him to stop he would have… but I didn't want him to stop.
"Yes, I am sure," I whispered back, nibbling at his earlobe.
We exchanged no other words, for they would have just gotten in the way. I abandoned myself to the moment, throwing all fears and doubts to the winds raging outside… sharing with him all I had to give, rejoicing in all he had to offer, until our passion was sated and we fell asleep in each other's arms.
The next day when I awoke, I went to look out the window. Seifer came to join me, putting his arms around my body, in an embrace that was more that of a close friend than of a lover. We went back to Garden that same morning, and never talked about what came to pass between us, ever again. Some time later, I left for Centra, but that is another tale for another time.
~*~*~*~*~
It was over sixteen years ago, and yet… and yet, the memory of his touch and the look in eyes are still with me, kept in one of the deepest parts of my heart. I never understood how it happened, or how we got to that moment, it just came to pass… as simple as that. I have no regrets, but there is something I can't help but ponder.
When I was lost in Time-Compression, I saw other versions of myself running about in the Void. Since all Time and all Possibilities were to be found there, I wonder if, in another reality or time-line, we joined our lives and are happy together. I guess I'll never know…
All I know is that, somehow, we both found something in what we shared. Maybe to him it was the acceptance he so needed to heal from the past, maybe to me it was what brought the closure which allowed me to find happiness… maybe it was both to each of us.
Or maybe we were just two lonely souls, longing for a little comforting, yearning for a little warmth in this unforgiving world. I don't think it really matters, for I realized then something that changed my life forever…
Love is indeed an illness.
And the most painful thing would be to forever heal from it.
~*~*~*~*~