Scared

by Singing Violin

Oneshot. Mulder's thoughts right after Scully tells him the bad news.

Title: Scared
Author: Singing Violin
Rating: K+
Spoilers: Memento Mori, One Breath, Irresistible
Keywords: post-episode, Mulder/Scully UST
Summary: Mulder's thoughts right after Scully tells him the bad news.
Disclaimer: Hey, fictional characters can't die! They were never alive in the first place...wait, make me fictional!
Feedback: Please.
Author's note: The day I wrote this, I finally visited a close friend who had lung cancer. I finally understood what Mulder must have been thinking, so I wrote it down.
Archiving: Already archived in Gossamer under a different author name (Pearl) but that name was taken here so I got another one. Feel free to post anywhere.

You're dying. You don't look sick yet, but I saw it in your eyes. Your beautiful blue eyes. Do you realize that I'm more scared than you are? I've only known you for four years, and already I can't imagine a world without you. I swear after that stunt you pulled right after you were returned...well, you remember...I thought...I thought you would live forever after that. My Scully-angel, a goddess and a saint, destined to be on this earth forever, or at least, longer than me. You're a woman, aren't you supposed to outlive me? I'm even older than you are, which should make it even more likely.

And Clyde Bruchman...you told me what he said about you living forever. To think I believed him. I'm so scared. I don't want to live without you.

I've finally found...no, I shouldn't admit that...but they're taking you away, just when I realized...oh God, Scully, do you know? I bet you've known for years. I've always suspected you were omnipotent. Even if you do sometimes pretend not to believe in things, just to get me to do a more thorough investigation. I know it's for the best. Will I get the courage to tell you that before...? No, let's not think about that.

I want to think about you, alive and well. How you felt in my arms, after Donnie Pfaster attacked you. You were warm and soft, and your silent tears were wet. Yes, wet, like...no, I'd better not think about that. Never think about that. Not my Scully, my perfect, pure Scully, who will never die. And yet...no, stop thinking about that. She's not gone yet. I can still save her. I just have to figure out how. She's going to live.

I know I'm panicking. I can't let it show...I have to be strong for you. If you knew; you'd only try to comfort me, but you need not to worry about me. You need to reduce stress to live longer. Oh god, why do we have to think about prolonging your life when by all rights you shouldn't be worrying about that for another fifty years? That's right, Scully, fifty years...do you think you can hold on that long? As long as you wait for me. Just stay until I go. You know I can't witness your death; it would break me.

I know this is my fault. I always imagined that with all the times I've put you in danger, that one day, you'd bleed to death in my arms. But then at least I'd have the traumatic memory to remind me that you were really gone! And in any case, I never really believed that this would happen; we've always been so lucky. Why has our luck...your luck...run out now? You don't deserve this; you've never done anything but protect me, and help me, and be there for me when I didn't even know I needed someone. Why don't they hurt me instead? I'm the one to blame...I'm the one that should be punished. God, Scully, why do you insist upon taking even this for me? As if you had a choice.

They did this to you Scully. To hurt me. I hate them for it, but that isn't going to do you any good, now, is it? God, Scully, I just want to hold you...for a while. For a few years. Until I die. Of old age. And then you can go. Don't leave me now! I'm scared.

Who's going to talk to me when you're gone? Who's going to remind me that I'm still here, and I can still get them for doing this to you? Melissa helped me when...well, you know. But she's gone now. I guess you want to join your sister. That's only fair...she never put you in danger like I did. I still hoped you might want to stay here a little longer with me. Am I so terrible company?

I try, Scully. I can't do it. I can't accept that you're going to die. So please don't. I've always suspected that you were more than human. If you die now, it's because you want to leave me. I'll be good! I'll never ditch you again. I'll do whatever you want. Just...don't go away. Stay with me, please. I'm scared, Scully. I need you. I love you.

END