Diary
See disclaimer in Entry #1
Author's Note: Some of you may be wondering why it's taken me so long to get Ein and company out of Tetyth. The reason is simple: To me, and to many players, Tetyth just seems quite a bit longer than most of the other fields because its areas are so fracking HUGE. A lot happens in it, too, so it only seemed fitting to extend the diary entries to accommodate. I also wanted to document the mental and emotional maturing to Ein's psyche through these events, and Tetyth is one of the key turning points. The library scene was also a good way to continue to develop the personas of the girls, who sometimes get neglected in this vignette collection…
:Heartbreak:
Why is it that the world only comes down on you when you feel like you're standing on top of it?
Like realizing you're missing that one crucial piece of the puzzle you've almost completed…
Like losing your grip on the Cheria stem you were trying to tie with your teeth to impress your friends…
Like telling the truth to the one you love, only to have him or her reject you completely…
Like forgetting the perfect rhyme to the haiku you're writing when your friend comes to talk to you, and then never remembering it…
Ledah…
I don't know why I blindly assumed I would be able to convince him to come with me when the time came. I'd forgotten all about how absolutely he believes in the Magi's judgment… and so I'd let myself hope.
If you'd approached me only last year, I would've told you that I couldn't see why anyone in any kind of despair would be brought to take his or her own life. Now I think I'm beginning to grasp it. There's a special kind of despair—the absolute low after the perfect high of soaring hope—that I think could just drive you to it.
I'd stopped to talk to Rose on our way back to Elendia, and out of nowhere, Ledah appeared before us. He called me to rejoin him in our pursuit of Ursula and the Retribution, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't make him see why I wouldn't.
For a moment, even I was afraid that he would strike me down…
But even for Ledah, the memory of the intimacy of our friendship seems to have prevailed above that holy flame of duty. He turned and walked away, even though I was crying for him to tell me something, anything.
He gave me only one hint: The word "Yggdrasil". And then he was gone.
No one can have any idea how hard this is for me… for so long, Ledah and I did everything together. Even after he changed suddenly once he became a Grim Angel, we were always side by side… we ate together, slept together, bathed together, everything. It still feels weird to sleep in a bed instead of tucked against his side, under his wing with his arm around me and his lips just grazing my forehead. I miss his warmth so badly, it's almost a physical ache. Ledah is like a part of me, and now there's an empty space in my heart where his presence used to be. That pain had faded, numbed by the friendship of Fia, Lina, Serene, and Cierra—and, of course, Rose—and my own flickering foolish hoping. Now the scab has been torn off the wound in my breast, and it's bleeding again, throbbing with my heartbeat.
Is this what heartbreak feels like?
I think it might be.
The girls can tell that there's something wrong, even though I'm trying to hide how hurt I feel. I've cried at night, although I'm ashamed of it. I'm not a child anymore, so I should be able to stay my tears. I should be strong, like Ledah is. Even though I'm sure it must hurt him too, I bet he isn't crying with his face pressed into a pillow to muffle the sound of his sobbing. I can tell that they're all suspicious of my cracked façade, but if I tell them the truth I'll come apart completely. I have to pull myself together.
When all the Accursed are gone, and there's no need for the Retribution… maybe then I can fix everything.
At least he seemed to be healthy when I saw him. I still worry about his self-neglect on journeys… he and Rose both accused me of being irresponsible mostly because I don't like to wait for laundry and hold my clothes up to the fire to dry them, but I know that if Ledah doesn't have someone keeping after him he washes his things and just wears them wet. He's come back from missions sick because of it, although never badly. He at least has the luck to not catch deathly ill in the cold.
We'll be heading out again in a few days, searching for the last Accursed.
Ledah… with this, I can be complete again soon. Here with you, and all the friends I've made in this strange and beautiful land.
I'll finish this, and then I'll come for you.
And maybe then my breaking heart will heal.