Diary

See disclaimer in Entry #1

:Trust:

And once again, I find myself struggling to explain myself to my blissfully ignorant female companions.

Their questions feel impossible to answer, like insistent little pricks of needles that won't withdraw until they draw blood. And that's what it's like… Fia's accusations have given them all the courage to ask what must have kept them curious ever since I got my memories back. Now they all seem to want to know about my past, about my position, about my duties…

…and, of course, about Ledah.

It's not a matter of my not trusting them, is what I want to say. I just don't know how they could possibly understand the real magnitude of what was—is—between us. "Best friend" doesn't seem completely adequate. When I was little, he was my savior… once I was old enough, my playmate and tutor… then my confidant and spiritual brother… and finally, my partner and traveling companion.

Maybe that casts kind of a negative light on my relationships with the girls in comparison, but… I don't know, it's sometimes kind of hard to relate to them. There are some things in life that I guess only another guy could fully understand, because men and women tend to be most sensitive to completely different kinds of things, and can sometimes be totally insensitive to the things that matter the most to each other. Ledah and I were never like that… it was a very full, very complete trust built on years and years of our knowing each other that well.

I guess that's why I never felt ashamed for relying on him so completely and turning to him for everything I didn't know. I mean… I know that most guys wouldn't do stuff like that, maybe because very few people have that sense of closeness with someone. I knew Ledah wouldn't think any less of me for it… so I let myself be almost fully dependent on him. ("Almost" is the key word… there are definitely things that I do better than him, like cooking. Ledah needs lots of practice before he can figure out how to make food, and it comes a lot more naturally to me.) I know that we owe each other our lives—saving each other while fighting Ursula's summoned monster, for instance—many times over, and that can create a different kind of trust, a sort of mutual reliance. With the girls, it's a little more like I'm leading them instead of being a fully cooperative team sometimes, especially with Fia, and that makes me kind of uncomfortable because I really do worry a lot about what would happen if I messed up and let them down.

I think that out of all of the girls, Lina actually understands the best, maybe because of her relationship with Fia—and I know how far it is that they go back. When we were traveling along Yggdrasil's manalith roads, she suddenly asked me how close Ledah and I had been. Before I could answer, she said that if he and I had been friends, then this whole thing would be like my having to fight all of them.

She actually cried a little for me… it's a strange feeling, watching someone else shed the tears you yourself are desperately repressing for fear of what people might think.

So, no, I want to tell them that it's not that I don't trust them.

It's just very painful… and I'm not sure I have the words to accurately tell them what it's like for me. I'm not sure I ever will.

Please, gods. Just let this end without anyone getting hurt…