Diary

See disclaimer in Entry #1

:Despair:

There are some things in this world that words just can't describe.

That words aren't enough to describe.

My mind is still screaming to me that this can't be real—it's impossible, it's against what I've believed all my life. Something like this can't just happen.

Except that it has.

We've been walking for what seems like hours now. I can feel the girls' worried eyes on me, and I'm vaguely aware that my feet are aching from all the traveling we've been doing. But all I can really think about—as awful as it seems, as it is—is how light Ledah seems in my arms. A few months ago I wouldn't have been able to pick him up, let alone carry him this far.

Lorelei, crossed with Einherjar at my back, seems a lot heavier. I know why: It's the symbol of the burden I'm carrying, the two lands I have to save, and the lives I'm supposed to be protecting.

And the life I couldn't save, even though I tried so hard.

My cape and the front of my jacket and shirt are soaked with his blood. I tried to stop the bleeding with everything I could take off, but in the end it didn't matter anyway…

My eyes hurt—the salt from my tears keeps stinging them. But compared to everything else, it's a pain that's easy to ignore.

Ledah's still warm in my arms. It just makes everything so much harder for me to accept. It feels to me like if I can still feel the warmth in his body and blood, I should be able to do something for him.

I guess reality hasn't completely hit yet.

He looks so naked, so vulnerable without his wings. Did I look like this to him and the others after I became a Grim Angel? They vanished in a flash of bright light… after, and the traces of feathers around us dissolved into shimmering powder that filtered through the air like the dust you can see in direct sunlight. It's the mark of a fallen angel, and it forces me to believe what I was sort of suspecting ever since Heaven's Gate.

Gods, what I wouldn't give for a chance to do this day over.

My heart feels dead in my chest. But I know that sooner or later, it'll wake up to the world, and then we'll see if I'll be able to accept this or if I'll break. I've cried—of course I have—but that's when I'll really give in to grief, when I'll sob and scream and curse the gods and the world and my fate.

And especially Malice and Hector.

Ursula told us that we would have to head out for Hector's castle right away, but I won't. I can't—and she should have known better than to give me an order like that. I'll stay in Elendia, for as long as it takes to get things settled.

Ledah deserves more than to just be abandoned in Yggdrasil.

I thought I knew what heartbreak was before.

I couldn't have been any more wrong.

Now I finally understand—now that I'm on the long road back to Elendia, cradling the corpse of my best friend in my arms.

It should have been me.

And I'm never going to forgive myself for this, not when I should have known something like this was going to happen. I knew I should have stayed with him, or left Rose or somebody to watch him while I went ahead. But I didn't. I was too stupid, too caught up in worry about Ursula and Riviera to see the truth right in front of my eyes.

And so Ledah died.

And I'm still alive.