Though the worrying didn't get as bad as not being able to function like it did before, it came to the point were it refused to be ignored any longer and was breaking into the point of tormenting.
I said I'd be down in my room updating our charts and working on my map and disappeared below deck.
>"Ya. Distract yourself with work. That's really going to help."
"Oh shut up."
Of course I couldn't get any work done.
I absent mindedly flipped through the log books and maps I had acquired not reading or seeing anything.
I don't know how long I'd been sitting there not doing anything.
The knock on the door startled me.
"Ya?"
"Nami san."
Sanji. Of course it would be him.
"I've brought you something to eat. Is it ok if I come in?"
No! I can't have you come in any farther. You're in too far already.
"Sure."
Sanji comes in and sets the tray down on an empty spot on my desk.
"Here you go, a sandwich and some nice warm cider. Let me know if you want more."
I knew without looking at it that the sandwich was my favorite: lettuce, tomatoes, swiss, almonds, sprouts, no mayo, light mustard with the best most thinly sliced cut of whatever meat we had fresh on hand, all the ingredients heated before being put on a hot roll he made from scratch.
I knew without tasting it, before I even smelled the aroma that the apple cider was his special blend which in mine he added a sick of cinnamon and tangerine zest.
Something with in me seemed to give way.
I had to address things now or I'd lose myself completely.
"Sanji kun."
"Hai Nami."
I flinched a bit, but I couldn't let myself be distracted.
"Why do you do these things?"
"What things?"
"Things like this?" I wave my hand in the direction of the sandwich and cider.
"Nami, I'm not sure I get what exactly you're referring to. Do you not want this? I can make you something different."
"No. It's fine…" I give a heavy sigh.
"Is there something wrong Nami?"
I'm frustrated. I shouldn't be. It's not like he can actually read what I'm thinking but…
"Sanji…I pretend I don't notice but I actually do. All these subtle little things you do for me. Special things you go out of your way to do for me and no one else."
"It's not going out of my way. It's simple for me. And they're just little things, nothing too flamboyant."
"You're being modest."
"Only a little."
He made me smile a bit at that.
Damn it. Don't do that.
"Anyway." He continues "I don't mind doing these things for you. It is very easy for me and if I minded, then I wouldn't do them."
"And that's what I'm asking Sanji. Why do you do them? Why do you do special things for me?"
"Because I like doing them. It makes me happy to do them."
"You like being a servant?"
"Yes."
I look up at him. He didn't deny it or try to say it was different in any way.
"Really?" I ask in a cynical tone.
He sighs and leans against my desk. "I'm a chef Nami. You can't be a chef and not like serving people. And if you are and you don't then you're not a chef for very long. It's not like I'm a slave. I like cooking. I like creating things with food. But that's only half of it. What's the point of having all this wonderful delicious food if there's no one to give it to, if there's no one to enjoy it? You can't eat it all. You get fat."
I look down. He made a valid point. Damn his logical reasoning.
"That still doesn't explain why you do special things for me. If it's so simple and easy for you to do then why don't you do them for everyone?"
"I really don't think Zoro would enjoy his apple cut and crafted into a swan. Luffy wouldn't notice, he'd just think it was funny shaped and only care that it was something edible. And I really doubt the others, save Robin, would care much either."
"Sanji." I'm losing my patience.
He sighs. "It's how I express myself Nami.
Everything I make for you is an expression of my feelings.
I do these things because I care about you.
I do these things because…
I do these things because I love you Nami.
And I know you know that.
It's not like I've ever hidden my feelings or affections from you."
Yes I did know this.
I know Sanji is in love with me.
But my real question is…
"Why?"
He gives a heavy sigh. "Why what?"
"Why do you love me?"
"I don't know."
I was surprised by his answer.
It wasn't the answer I expected.
"I don't know how it happened.
I thought this was the same as every other time I'd been infatuated with a girl.
I saw a pretty girl and acted like my typical dorky self.
Yes, I know I'm a dork.
I know the way I act is outrageous and off the wall…
You know, I didn't always act like this.
It's only something I started doing a few years ago.
I found that when I lavishly praised a girl and went over the top the way I do, they either saw the sincerity and were genuinely flattered or they'd think I was just messing around and being silly and thank me for cheering them up.
People passed it off. 'Oh that's just Sanji's personality' 'he's friendly towards women.' 'he's such a flirt' , 'such a clown'.
Everyone loves a clown right?
Either way I didn't get as hurt…
But that's neither here nor there."
A sigh before he went on.
"When I saw you I thought it was just the same as it always was.
Boy sees girl, boy flirts with girl; business as usual.
But now when I look back a realize when I saw you that first time it was as if someone hit me over the head.
I guess I should have known then, but I was totally oblivious.
I don't know how it went from a routine infatuation to being completely in love.
I was surprised when I realized what had happened, when I became honest with my feelings… and quit honestly I was terrified.
I didn't understand.
I was normally so careful with who I would get close to.
How much I would open up to someone.
I mean, you're the only one that knows about that picture of my family.
You're the only one that knows anything about my parents.
Not even Zeff knows anything about me from before he'd attacked that ship I was on and he was like a second father.
He might of asked about my family once but I just said the weren't around any more and he left it at that.
He wasn't one to worry about the past.
When you did find that picture I fully didn't expect or intend to tell you so much about my mother and father.
After it was all said and done I couldn't believe I had told you all of that.
About my father, about my mother, the restaurant.
Jeez Nami, you walked through all of my defenses like they weren't even there.
I don't know how it happened.
Love isn't a simple equation. 'If x is this and y is that then this'. Love is so much more abstract than that. Its feelings and sensations. It's not predictable…"
Sanji paused and gave another sigh.
"But that's not what you want to hear is it?
Why do I love you?"
He paused to think about it.
"Well.." he shrugged "We both lost our mothers when we were young." He put that out there "There's solidarity in that…it's something we have in common and it's not like a regular common interest like liking the same books or whatever. It's a special thing that you experience and when you come across another person that's has had that experience and understands your feelings…you can help but to feel a bond there.
But that can't be the only thing; I liked you before all that…
Going back to the liking to serve thing, I like serving people. I like doing things for people and being useful so why should it be so far fetched that I'd fall for a girl that orders me around?
Fuck Nami... if I didn't love you, you wouldn't be able to drive me insane the way you are now."
There was silence.
I don't think he could have said anymore even if he wanted to.
I was fighting back my tears.
Fighting back and losing.
It was impossible for me to stay sitting down.
I stood up and took a few steps away for him.
With my back to Sanji I clung to myself.
That's not fair.
That's just not fair.
You're not supposed to be the same as me.
You're not supposed to be able to understand so well.
I want to hate you.
I want to hate you so badly.
This would be so much easier if I hated you.
Why? Why did you have to make my love you?
I failed to keep my tears from flowing.
One tear escaped and it let them all escaped.
Rivers of tears flowed down my cheeks.
But I refused to let it go beyond that.
I didn't make a sound.
I fought to keep my composure.
Sanji came up behind me.
He put his hand on my shoulders.
His strong warm hands massaged the tense muscles.
His hands, strong yet gentle.
So warm. So comforting.
I let myself relax a bit.
I used him to ease my tension.
But just when I felt I had control again Sanji did the unthinkable.
Ever so slightly, he stepped over the line.
He steped over it and he did it intentionally.
His hands shifted.
His arms came around to encircle me.
To hold me.
I felt his lips on my temple.
The sweet tender kiss from my dream.
"I'm right here."
A sobbing gasp escaped from my lips, my tears continued to flow.
Bastard.
You weren't supposed to do that.
You weren't supposed to come over unless I said it was ok.
Unforgivable.
"I love you Nami."
That's no excuse.
He crossed even further.
I felt his hot breath on my ear and in the next breath there was a hot wet kiss just behind my ear lobe.
He didn't stop there.
He planted these kisses all the way down my neck.
Hot pecks of lips and tongue.
And it wasn't just his lips overstepping their bounds.
One of his hands shifted again.
It slid itself under my shirt to touch the bare skin of my stomach.
His fingers spread wide.
His hands are so big.
Nearly my entire stomach fit in his palm.
The tip of his thumb brushed the underside of my breast.
The tip of his pinky slips under the waist band of my skirt.
A shuddering gasp escapes my lips.
But that's as far as it goes.
His hand stops where it is.
Only his thumb slowly, gently rubs against my skin.
He could have me.
Right here and now.
If he wanted to he could take me.
I would give him my body.
He could push himself inside of me right now and I wouldn't do a thing to stop him.
He could have me anyway he wanted to.
Do me any way he could think up in his mind.
And I'd let him do it to me.
And I wouldn't hate him for it.
I wouldn't hate him for it.
He knew it too.
He knew he had me literally in the palm of his hand.
He knew he could cross into forbidden territory and be forgiven.
But he didn't go there.
He didn't just want my body.
He wanted more.
His lips move up to my face.
He kissed the corner of my quivering mouth.
Then he kissed away my tears.
He then rested his lips on the side of my forehead.
And there, a quite hushed voice whispered "Please."
"Please Nami.
Please.
Let me love you."
If Sanji hadn't been holding be I would have sunk to the floor.
It was more than my heart and mind could stand.
I lost control.
The dam broke and my tears came flooding in one great sobbing cry.
I couldn't cry silent tears any more.
I was sobbing now.
Crying me eyes out.
How could he?
How could he do this to me?
How could one man make me feel this way?
I cried while Sanji held me tightly in his arms.
So warm.
He was gently rocking me now.
So comforting.
So soothing.
I have to get a hold of myself.
I had to pull myself together before I lost myself completely.
I can't let this happen.
It's too much.
I feel like I'm drowning.
He's so kind.
He's just too kind.
There no way I deserve to be loved by him.
I will myself back in control.
"Sanji kun."
"Nami."
"Sanji kun…you're such a kind person…so sweet..."
Sanji stops rocking me. "Nami?"
"So considerate a thoughtful…" I continue
I feel Sanji shaking his head.
He knew what I was doing.
"No." he breathes. He was so still.
I continue "It's true you've never kept your feelings hidden from me.
I know you really care about me Sanji.
And I care about you too…but…"
"NO!" Sanji releases me and pushes away.
I nearly fall over once Sanji's support is gone.
"No!" Shaking his head "No. You can't do that."
Sanji is the one fighting back tears now.
"You can't say "I care about you but" ! The 'but' completely negates the previous statement." A tear flows down his cheek.
"Nami. If you care about me then don't do what I know you're thinking of doing."
"Sanji…I don't want to hurt you…" I'm crying again now.
"Then don't!
How can you expect to do what you're thinking of doing and have it not hurt me?
You can't!
So if you don't want to hurt me then don't do it."
"Sanji it's not that simple."
"Sure it is.
You don't want to do this Nami.
I know you don't.
Just listen to your heart for once.
Don't do it."
>"We don't want to do this."
Shut up! It has to be this way!
>"Why?"
Because! Because I ...
"Sanji I just don't -- "
Sanji puts his hand over my mouth. "Don't say it.
I already know…
'You don't deserve to be loved by a wonderful guy like me.'
Right?"
I'm a bit shocked. That was word for word what I was going to say.
Sanji shudders. His tears flow more intensely.
>"There. His heart is breaking. Happy now."
I said shut up.
Sanji's holding himself shaking his head.
He's mumbling to himself now.
"Why?
Why does this always happen?
Why's it always the same?
Fuck..."
"Sanji…I'm sorry...I --"
"YOU'RE ALWAYS SORRY!" he lashes out.
Naturally I'm shocked. It's the first time he's raised his voice in anger towards me.
"Every last one of you!"
In a smaller voice "You're always sorry."
I don't know what to say. I go over and put a hand on his arm.
He shrugs it off and moved away from me.
"Sanji…"
"I don't get it Nami.
I just don't understand." He'd calmed down a little but his voice was so full of sadness and a bit of bitterness.
"It wouldn't so bad if…you." He gives a sigh of frustration
"You and the others…I'd understand if you said 'I don't like guys who smoke.'
Or 'I hate guys who get into fights.'
'Guy's who go around flirting with every pretty girl are the worst…'
But…you never say that.
It's always:
'you're too nice Sanji'
'you're so sweet Sanji'
'So kind' 'so thoughtful'
'you try too hard to please me/ to make mw happy'
'you deserve someone better'
'I don't deserve you.'
All the same..." There was a short pause
"No! wait." His voice becomes extremely biter and sarcastic.
"There was one.
One who was just a little bit different." Showing the little bit gesture with his thumb and forefinger.
"She did the whole "you're so nice I don't deserve" you spiel…
But then she went on to say that she was in love with someone else.
I didn't feel so bad when she said that.
I understood.
See? That's a good reason.
You're in love with someone else;
I'm not the one you want or need.
I'm perfectly fine with that.
The only thing was…"
He gives a sad shuttering laugh.
"The only thing was… the guy she was in love with was a bastard that abused her.
He beat the shit out of her all the time and the only thing that stopped me from killing the son of a bitch was because she begged me not to."
Sanji started crying again.
Tears of sorrow and rage and misery.
"She begged me.
Sobbing, cling to my leg so I wouldn't kick his face in again, begging me not to kill him."
"Oh Sanji…"I shuddered
"I'd never hit you Nami.
No matter what you did.
No matter how angry you made me.
Even if the thought somehow managed to cross my mind, I wouldn't."
"I know.
It's your biggest weakness.
Even if a woman was tiring to kill you, you wouldn't raise a finger against her."
"A man who can bring himself to strike a woman isn't a man.
He isn't even a human.
Not even an animal.
He's a demon of the worst evil." Sanji recites the words like a mantra, like some oath that had been etched into his mind. "I can't be that guy."
"Hu?" he was confusing me.
"I'd never be like him."
"Sanji?" his eyes are wide and blank, his voice monotone.
"I'll never be like him."
Like who? Somehow I don't think he was talking about that girl's boyfriend.
"Never."
"Sanji!"
He snaps out of whatever he was thinking about.
"Are you.."
He holds up his hand and shakes his head.
He doesn't want to talk about it.
I let it go.
He looks so drained.
His eyes are tired and blood shot from crying.
His face is blotchy for the same reason.
I image my face looks the same way.
He gives a disheartening sigh.
"Damn it Nami. I thought you were different.
I really did.
I mean. You're so unlike any girl I've ever seriously gone for.
The way you look, your attitude, the way you carry yourself, just everything."
It made me want to know what kind of girls he unusually pursued but I new better than to ask right now.
He looks right at me.
I'd never seen a sadder more depressed and forlorn look on anyone.
It stabbed me like a knife my right through my heart.
"All I want is to love someone Nami.
Love someone with all of my heart and soul.
And I want to know what it feels like to be loved back just as much."
The knife in my heart just sharply twists and is violently yanked out.
That's not fair.
>"Actually I think that's more than fair…
I said SHUT UP!
Something inside of me snapped.
I had to end this.
This had gone far enough
He was too close.
He'd come in too far.
All of my barricades were surpassed.
I was completely defenseless.
I had to do something.
What could I do to dive him away?
"I just want what my parents had."
Something in my head clicked
"Your parents?"
"Ya."
I was in front of him now. I don't remember moving.
I was close to him.
My forehead was resting on his chest.
His hands gently rested on the back of my head.
I felt his cigarette case in is inner jacket pocket, running my fingers over it.
I reached in and took it out.
He let me take it.
I walked a way from him a bit. I stood over by my desk and opened the case.
I opened the secret compartment.
The beautiful happy faces smiled up at me.
I smile back.
It really was a beautiful picture.
"They look so good together…your parents. I bet they made a great couple."
"Ya they did."
I looked over at Sanji. There was hope in his eyes.
"They look so happy…"
He nods "Ya. They really were." He's hoping so much. Hoping I'd reconsider.
I look down.
I look at Sanji's mother. Such a kind and caring woman.
"I wish I could have met your mother."
"Me too."
I looked at the woman who held her child that clung to her so lovingly.
"You were such a mamas boy weren't you?"
"Maybe a little…"
"You really loved her didn't you?"
"Of course."
"And your father lover her too."
"With all of his heart."
I look one last time at the woman who gave Sanji life.
Forgive me. Forgive me for what I'm about to do to your son…
I close the case with a snap.
"Sanji?"
"Hmm?"
I look up at him.
"Your father…"
The hope in Sanji's eyes fades and turns to dread. He's shaking his head.
"Where is he?" I continue
"No." Sanji whispers. I could read what he was thinking. 'Don't ask that question'
I asked it anyway.
"What happened to your father after your mother died?"
'You asked it. I can't believe you asked it.' He looked away from me still shaking his head.
"No."
He wouldn't budge so I pushed again.
"Tell me." Said firmly
"No. No Nami. Don't go there. You don't want to go there."
"Yes I do. I want to know."
"No Nami. You don't. You really don't."
>"Is it really that terrible? I seems like it was traumatic…"
I told you to Shut. UUUUPPP!
"TELL ME!" I was an animal trapped in a corner. I lash out with teeth and fangs.
I slam the silver case down hard on my desk.
Sanji jumped. His head shot back to me. He could believe what I had just done. His eyes moved to the case under my hand. His precious treasure.
"Tell me. Sanji.
What happened to your father when the love of his life died?"
Sanji looked as if I had slapped him. His eyes are wide with shock, betrayal and suppressed rage. 'How could you do this to me?'
I hold out the case to him.
He looks at is for a second then snatches it back from me and clings to it close to his chest. His treasure was safe in his hands again.
"The thing is Nami..." He breathed every word heavily cling white knuckled to his cigarette case. He was trying to keep calm. He was tiring not to get angry.
I took a deep breath and let it out slowly.
"To know what happened to my father…I'd have to tell you what happened to my mother."
He looked at me and waited. He was giving me one final warning. One last chance for me to back down. He'd forgive me for asking if I just stopped there.
His mother…it wasn't like she died of some sickness like I thought. Something awful happened to that beautiful kind woman… something traumatic for Sanji…but he knew what had happened to my mother. How could it be worse than seeing your mother get shot in the head right before your very eyes?
The animal inside me raged and went for an artery
"What happened to her?"
He closed eyes.
His head drops.
He not only looked sad beyond all reason but disappointed.
Disappointed in me.
He never thought I'd go this far.
"Fine." He whispered. There was defeat in his voice. Not as much sadness. No anger. Just vanquished.
He walks over and pulls my chair out, flips it around to sit in it backwards.
Leaning on the back of the chair he pulls out a cigarette and lights up.
"Sit down. It's kind of a long story."
"I'd rather stand."
"Whatever."
I was surprise with his tone. Rude and uncaring. He'd never spoken to me that way before.
>"Well whaddaya expect from him. You broke his heart and now…"
You. Shutting up. Now.
He takes another drag off this cigarette and exhales slowly.
His eyes become distant.
He seems to become detached from this world.
Sanji closed his eyes and after a moment he was smiling.
He was actually smiling.
His eyes opened a bit.
He appears to be recalling some fond memory.
>"Uh oh. It's one of those stories that start out all happy but then everything goes horribly, horribly wrong…"
Oh how I wish I could just stab you in the head.
Sanji started to speak.