A/N: Sara seems rather weak in this chapter, but you must remember that she's feeling very vulnerable! She won't always be so feeble. More will be explained in future chapters about the story behind the bombings and Sara's past,but this should give you an idea of what went on. Her old team will also be explained more in future chapters. If you have questions, please ask them in a review! All These Things That I've Done is a song by The Killers. I don't own it. Sadly. But it really fits this chapter well.XD
Thanks to Baby23-Misery, I want George, Mma63, Jessica Summers, Treyann, isabell89, dark-angel-ali, CSIFan4Life, BeTrAyEd DaUgHtErS, heartagram69 and SupaDupaChic for reviewing!
Isabell89: Haha, it seems like I now have theme songs for this story! (Thanks!) :)
Treyann: Hopefully this chapter will explain Sara's mistake a little. Thanks!
Mma63: Yes, Nicky with a cowboy hat. Yum.:) About San Francisco… I touch a bit on that in this chapter, but that question should be answered in chapter 4. Hope you enjoy!
Chapter Title: All These Things That I've Done
Nick had driven them home after Catherine had practically chewed Grissom out when the supervisor was reluctant to let either of them go home. Sara could barely get into the Tahoe, she was shaking so fiercely. Nick was extremely worried about her, especially after the way she mumbled as they swerved through the traffic on the strip. He didn't think he'd ever get her words out of his head. It should have been me… my fault. Her defense mechanisms hadn't seemed to kick in yet, but when the finally did, he was even more worried. By the time they'd arrived back at their apartment, she was sitting completely still, her expression blank, eyes staring straight ahead.
It was another hour before she spoke again. She had just laid her head on Nick's shoulder, listening silently to his words of comfort. They meant the world to her, but nothing all the same. Nothing could change what had happened, nor what would happen. It was hard enough just to sit there, alive and breathing just knowing that she was ultimately responsible for the deaths of two people she cared deeply about. Plus whoever was killed in the homecoming bomb. Sara knew she'd be on a plane in two days, flying back to her old life; a place and time where she'd be greeted by what she should have been used to by now. Death, selfishness, suffering, anger, cruelty… and the love she'd become accustomed to seeing fall apart somehow would haunt her for weeks. For the past ten months, she'd carried hope; hope that the world perhaps no longer contained all the pain that scarred her in the past. And Nick had almost made her believe it too…
Sara sighed deeply, running a hand through her hair as she prepared herself to explain everything to Nick, who was seated beside her on their leather couch. The oversized loveseat sat in their apartment home, facing a large bay window that looked out onto one of the few spaces in Vegas not covered by flashing lights and signs that assaulted the eyes. The view was refreshingly beautiful- the sole reason they'd chosen the apartment. Nick clasped her hand in his and waited for her to be ready; trying to be as supportive as possible despite the fact he was still confused. He'd grasped the fact that Sara's old team was dead, but that alone wouldn't be enough for her to start reaping blame. It was a while before she was sure she could speak again without the risk or another outburst of tears, but eventually her voice permeated Nick's ears once more- quiet, distant… vulnerable.
"I remember it clearly. Looking back on it, we had all the evidence we needed for an arrest- but I still told them something was missing…"
"Who were the suspects?"
"Six were identified- I don't remember their names off the top of my head, but they were part of a crime mob who's MO always included bombs… usually in busy places. They even managed to hit San Francisco International Airport twice in three months." Sara seemed to go into information mode for a moment, the way she usually did when discussing a case. Nick assumed that at least had to be a good sign.
"They just set bombs- no targets?"
"No… they always had a target… Usually cops or successful or famous businesspeople. We thought maybe the bombings were just reckless assassination attempts, but the cases proved to be too difficult to solve for that to be a realistic assumption. They weren't random- the attacks proved to be heavily premeditated." Nick wasn't sure what to say. They sounded like a terror group. He pulled her into his arms, knowing his next question would be hard for her to answer, and he felt sorry already for putting her through it. But he needed to know.
"What did you think… was missing, Sar?"
Sara was silent. She felt horrible, and seemed to lose all control of her small form, collapsing into his body like a puddle of goo. It was all she could do just to think about what she was about to tell him, controlling her muscular structure was another story. The guilt was overwhelming.
"I—" There was a lengthy pause, and Sara sobbed again. "There wasn't… anything missing."
Nick's brows furrowed. She'd already told him that. What she said next, however, through him for a loop.
"… And I knew it."
Unable to stop himself, Nick answered incredulously. "What?"
"There was nothing missing. I was just being stupid because Julia knew it too. I was wasting time verifying all of her evidence." Sara answered simply, clenching her eyes closed as if doing so would close her off from the world. Her mind had visited those days almost exactly seven years ago many times during her time working for the LVPD. Every time she did, the images were pushed forcefully from her head. The events that unfolded in San Francisco were far from her proudest.
Nick was stunned; he'd always known Sara to be devoted and stubborn, but never unreasonable and definitely not one to doubt her coworkers. His arms around her had weakened a little out of shock, but she took this change as an indication of disgust. Her bloodshot eyes pleaded with his, and more tears ran from them.
"I'm so sorry Nick."
"Shh…" He tightened his grip around her and pulled her close once more. Honestly, he didn't know what to make of what he was hearing. But he still loved her, and if her current state was any indication, she definitely needed to know it.
"You must be disgusted by me."
"No Sar… I'm not." Nick whispered in her ear, resting his head on hers. "But I'm not sure I understand yet."
Sara hiccupped through a sigh the way one tends to when breathing in after a long bout of tears. "Blaze Evans… my supervisor back in San Francisco had put me in the lead of the serial case. Julia couldn't have the detective on the case arrest any suspects without my okaying it." She shook her head, massaging her temples with a free hand as she tried to calm down. "Can you believe that? A first year rookie on lead for a chain of serial killings. God, that's stupid."
Nick smiled in spite of himself. Something about hearing Sara say 'God, that's stupid.' was kind of funny. This whole conversation was screwing up his head.
"Why did he give the lead to you, Sara?" Nick asked seriously, his fingers toying with her raven locks as he raised her chin so he could look into her eyes. She saw genuine concern in the dark pools, and wished, not for the first time, that she could just drown in them, forget everything that wasn't him, and him alone.
"Oh God, Nick… I was 26, but I acted like I was 13…"
"Sar…"
"I wanted to beat Julia at something. She was like Catherine, Nick. She had it… what I never could." Somehow, she could barely believe she was telling him this. It was completely out of her character to admit to jealousy, especially of Catherine, with whom she'd clashed for years. Nick just thought they disliked each other, but now he wondered if Catherine envied something in Sara too.
He was starting to follow, but he wasn't sure how Sara's unvoiced resentment led to her leading a career case.
"Mm hmm…" he prompted her to continue. Sara rolled her eyes at her next statement.
"So I asked Blaze for the case. And he gave it to me."
"What? He just gave it to you?"
Sara sighed, finally relaxing a little.
"We had a bit of a history. I guess he felt obligated."
"A history?" Nick raised his eyebrows in question. Part of him wasn't sure he should be asking, but the other needed to know.
"Nick, please don't think I go after supervisors because I want to lead special cases… I know I should have told you about Blaze, but I honestly didn't think I'd ever have to deal with him again. And Gris… you know that was different…"
"No, no… I know that. I just don't really know what to say."
Sara sniffed, leaning into his shoulder. His fingers caressed her shoulder softly, and she rested her head in the crook of his neck. After a few moments, she whispered. "Do you hate me, Nick?"
He felt like he was in some kind of a trance, and barely heard her whispers. He buried his face in her dark locks, taking in the familiar scent of her shampoo. Her voice came stronger this time, and his eyes lost their glaze as she got his attention.
"Nick?" Those horrible tears were falling down her face again, and her question carried a desperate ache that begged him to assure her again as he had so many times before that he loved her. He lifted her chin with two fingers, delicately turning her head to face him. His thumb wiped away the drops that fell from her eyes, the eyes he knew carried emotion beyond expression. A soft smile crossed his lips as he brushed them against hers.
"Sara, you know I could never hate you… I love you to pieces." He didn't begrudge her her previous relationships. He'd had plenty of his own, few of which he was proud of.
"I love you too… Thank you."
Silence filled the room for a while until Sara finally whispered.
"This is my fault… I have to go…"
"Shh… baby, I know you have to go... But you'll be alright; we'll be alright. Listen… I'll apply for a transfer down to San Francisco too."
"But Nick—"
"Shhh… honey… you have to stop blaming yourself. You can't control what happens in another state."
"If I had just listened to Julia 7 years ago… I was so preoccupied with showing her up… If I'd trusted her evidence and taken my head out of my goddamned ass… the perps may have been caught, and this never would have happened. I waited too long to give the word, and they had to be released… as soon as they were, they fled the jurisdiction…"
"Honey—"
"I was responsible, and I still am. I—I have to make things right… starting here."
"What do you mean?"
"Catherine… Its time to make peace with her… I can't let this happen to you too—" Sara's eyes lay fixated on some object across the room and Nick felt her tense up in his arms.
"Sar, these are hardly similar circumstances—"
"I'm not the same person now I was then... Grissom called me up here and I was glad to run away from the mess I'd created. Julia… she saw right through everything. I know I've made many of the same mistakes I made with her with Catherine… and if I can't make it right with Julia…" Another tear found it's way down her cheek and she sniffled. "The least I can do is make it right with Catherine …" She sat upright and then stood almost robotically, pulling away from Nick's arms. "And I have to phone Blaze…"
Back at the lab, Catherine's blood was boiling.
"Gil, I can't believe you! You agreed to send Saraback to San Francisco without even telling her! And I saw the way you looked at Nick on their way out…"
"Catherine, please." Grissom held up his hand to stop her, but she continued.
"No, Gil, I'm not going to lay off. You can't resent Nick just because he went after her- that's not fair to either of them."
Catherine stepped in front of him, forcing the man to look at her, to acknowledge her.
"Look- this is going to be really hard on both of them, especially Sara. The least you can do is be supportive instead of drowning the pair of them in guilt just because you can't handle them being together!"
Grissom sighed, removing his glasses. "Cath, you don't even like Sara."
"We don't always get along, but I'd never wish this on her.Anyway, that's beside the point! I had to fight to get you to get you to let them leave early. Not everyone can deal like you can, Gil. Some people actually have the capacity to show some emotion!"
"I have emotion Catherine. And we have a huge load tonight; high profile. You know as well as I do that we need all hands on deck for the Carolsen case." The smallest twinge of annoyance was now visible in his bright blue eyes.
"But that's just it- we managed without them—"
"Catherine, I won't discuss this any further. You have evidence to process, and I have a personnel transfer report to complete. Excuse me." Grissom stepped past her looking just as calm and collected as ever. The blonde CSI was left in the hallway to watch him take off in the direction of his office- the place Sara had run from only to be followed by Nick mere hours earlier. She shook her head in frustration, wishing her gaze could burn holes in the back of the man's head. When he was out of sight, she turned to retire in her own office to finish logging her evidence before she and Warrick processed it as per usual.
Over and out, last call for sin
While everyone's lost, the battle is won
With all these things that I've done
All these things that I've done
A/N: Hope you enjoyed! Please drop me a review on your way out… the blue button is calling you again…:) Next chapter will be up soon. Sorry for the angst… XD
Until next time,
-Sahariah