A/N: Okay, so I promised happy chapters in honour of the Christmas Season. Yes, those are still coming. But this chapter had to come first. Besides, I can't skip 2 months without anything happening… especially in a story like this. So, in 'Candle in the Wind' land, it's not Christmas/New Years yet. Sorry this is so late; I've been out of town and away from my computer for a while. I had initially planned to post two chapters before December 25th, and by January 2nd, 2006, I hadn't even finished this one. (Which is quite sad, really. 0.o) I tried to write en-route, but you have no idea how difficult it is to write anything when you're surrounded by people all the time, always trying to peer at your laptop over seats and such, finding out what in God's name you're writing about (or to) when there's no internet for email in the area. I told everyone I was writing letters to people. Lame. XP

Anyway, this chapter is short, expect the next (possibly fluffy-ish) ones within the next few days! I do hope it makes sense to people; let me know if you think something needs more explaining. Oh, and I hope everyone had a magical Christmas, and awesome New Year. All my best to everyone for an amazing 2006!

Enjoy!

Chapter Title: Cruel to be Kind
It wasn't long after their conversation that Sara made her way back to her room. Sitting down on her bed, she picked up the pile of clothes she'd discarded earlier, placing them on her lap. She was just about to stand up and put the articles in the empty basket that stood in a nearby corner when she felt her cell vibrate in the pile. Stopping, puzzled, she dug out the little phone and flipped it open.

You have three new messages.

The phone must have turned itself on at some point.

Would you like to hear these messages now? Please enter your password.

She typed in the numbers. 76425377

Message number one:

"Hey Sar…I guess I'm just calling to see how you're doing… Since you didn't call back…"

The voice on the phone sighed quietly, pausing… as if its holder were waiting for a reply that an answering machine could not give.

"Give me a call when you get this, even during work hours, okay? Love you."

Nick… she knew she hadn't called him back. For the second time that night, she felt like hitting her head across something… preferably something solid enough to whack some sense into her. All this talking with Blaze had gotten to her. She didn't like what she was feeling; this all too familiar confusion that seemed to plague her every time she thought about her old boss. Somehow, she'd managed to forget until now. It seemed to be the same sentiments she'd held during her foolish infatuation with Grissom, too. Sara groaned and fell back onto the bed, shaking her head as she opened her cell phone to hear Nick's message again.

Since you didn't call back…

…

Love you.

-Click-

Honestly, who was she kidding? She was completely and utterly in love with Nick. He loved her back. The idea that she'd carried a flame for anyone else but him seemed absurd, no matter how far in the past. So then, what was it?

The light emitted by the small phone that had set an eerie glow upon her frustrated face closed into darkness as Sara slipped the object under her pillow, if only to block its intense brightness from her eyes that had already adjusted to the darkness of the room. Glowing shapes assaulted her vision as she tried to adjust again.

Why am I so goddamn confusing? I can't even figure myself out.

If it wasn't love that had attracted her to Blaze and later Grissom, then what was it? These two men… both considerably older than herself, people she idolized…

'"I seem to poison my own relationships..."'

Why was it that 'she just couldn't do it?' Maybe it was the same reason Grissom 'couldn't do it.' He'd been scared to loose everything he'd worked so hard for. Or at least, that's all he was willing to admit. If she looked back on her past, it wasn't hard to see what was missing. She never really had 'parents', so to speak. Sure, there was a woman who gave birth to her, and a father whom she was a part of. But that relationship was nothing more than physical. She'd never had a father, and maybe Blaze and Grissom were her attempts at somehow trying to find that maternal part of her that was missing. In essence, she was a part of Grissom, and he… a part of her. Would she really be who she was had she not met him? Wasn't he the reason why she chose to 'run off' to Vegas, instead of any number of other places she'd been offered jobs after her breakup (If you could call it that…) with Blaze? Looking back on it, Blaze himself was incapable in much the same way as she was years ago when it came to relationships. He didn't help her situation. But was Grissom not the man that, despite how awkward it had been, tried to help her… listen to her… on many occasions? He was never her friend so much as a twisted sort of guidance figure…

Was he not, in some way… trying to protect her? Was she not, in essence… something of a daughter?

Somehow, Sara felt that perhaps he had realized this too.

And finally she figured it out. She'd looked for the same thing in Blaze as she had Grissom, but he couldn't give it to her. And she couldn't do it because she couldn't truly love anyone… until she herself was complete. Not that Gil Grissom was an admirable father figure, but in some way, she needed some form of acceptance from this man she'd admired since the age of fifteen… the man she'd met all of once before university but remained in higher esteem than people even of her own blood before she could be with anyone. She needed to know somehow... that she was good enough. And even though he pushed her away, Grissom also embraced her. It was just the wrong kind of love she'd pursued with him. She'd never experienced any kind of love besides physical… sexual. Subconsciously, it was a different kind of love that she needed from him. And Grissom seemed to know that; which is why they never became a couple. She needed to experience this other love before she could truly be with anyone; with Nick.

'"I'm only just figuring out how… to be loved…"'

The eye assaulting light of her cell phone illuminated her face once more as she hit a new number on her speed dial. A simple smile was etched on Sara's face as she quietly shook her head in marvel of the epiphany she'd been waiting to experience for years.

"Grissom."

"It's Sara." Her voice somehow remained characteristically calm, cool, and collected as she spoke.

"Hey Sara, how're you doing?" Her mentor sounded tired, but concern was still evident in her voice.

"I'm quite well… Um, Gris… I just phoned because... about a minute ago, I realized something I'd been looking for the answer to since I was about fifteen years old."

A small smile crossed his face.

"And what would that be?"

Sara gave a little chuckle that said 'you know what I'm talking about; you figured me out ages ago.'

"I just wanted to apologize… and well, for all it's worth, to say… Thanks. Really. Thank you…"

And his smile widened.

"You're welcome. But… thank you, too."

A/N: There you have it. I hope that explained things a little. I'd like to think this is the actual situation in the show, too. It's always kind of struck me that way. And, though I'm not a GSR fan, I do like the way Sara and Grissom can have these quiet sort of conversations, where no one needs to say much. Anyway, as I've said before, this is a Snickers story. And a Snickers story it shall remain. :) Hope you enjoyed… and above all, understood… Let me know. I'm really interested to see the reaction to this chapter.

Until Next Time,

-Sahariah.