Chapter 5

"Good bye, Uncle," she waved goodbye and closed the door behind her. It gave her somewhat of a comforting feeling to see her uncle Albert, at first. To recap it all for him was nice but it only to left her feeling hollow. Only one more thing precious and dear to heart that she had given up for no reason.

She wouldn't think about that…she couldn't let herself. Her assignment was the only thing she had to hang onto now, she wouldn't mess it up any farther. She would focus on something else…

She turned the corner and stepped back. Her heart skipped a beat and her arms felt like lead but she stayed even with him. "Hello, Burt." He looked different, something about the way he looked at her. He seemed almost happy to have run into her, at least he was smiling.

"Hello, Mary." She gave him a poor excuse for a quick smile and was ready to dart.

"Well, if you'll excuse me-"

"Where're the children," he interrupted noting that they were not with her but in all actuality used it as an excuse to get a better look at her. She looked tired, as if she'd been in deep thought for days and now she was suffering from mental exhaustion. She looked at him slightly suspicious.

"It's my day off…"

"Good," she raised an eyebrow at him. "It's just that – Mary…could we talk?"

She put her hand to her forehead and sighed. "Burt, there really isn't anything to talk about as far as I'm concerned and shouldn't you be getting home to – to your…" she closed her eyes biting the word back as he stomach turned again.

"Pricilla's not home," he said watching her with wide and honest eyes.

Pricilla. That was her name. He was marrying a Pricilla. She opened her eyes again and painted a pained smile on her face. Pretending not to have heard him she said, "Well, it was nice seeing you again, Burt but-"

"Please," he interrupted once more. "Just … just for a minute… please."

Her smile faded when she saw the plead in his eyes. What could he possibly need to discuss? There was nothing to talk about and it only made her feel like screaming out of pure hatred of her choices when she was with him. The fact that this would inevitably lead to sever damage seemed to have no impact on this choice however, and she nodded, all the while knowing that it would probably lead to the destruction of any self-confidence/ reassurance she had left in her, if any. The world, once again damned by curiosity and all of the baggage it refuses to leave the safety of its home with in us - shallow or deep - without.. "…Alright."

iThe clouds were gray and the rain hit down hard. The day looked and was dismal to the highest extreme. She thrust the letter into his hands as she snapped the rest of her belongings back into her suitcase, where the booklet of rules and conditions was left forgotten. It was May 1st. She'd made up her mind. She watched him read it, over and over again, the lump in her throat building up with every second that passed. She saw his hands tremble and his eyes swim as he looked back up at her.

"So that's it? You're just gunna leave!"

Her voice broke. "Burt! I have too." Did he think this was easy for her? Leaving him behind like this? He was her only friend, he was more than that. She'd pictured their life together so many times but just couldn't keep living in that fantasy anymore. She was different and that was that. She was living in a world she didn't belong in and couldn't stand it but she couldn't stand to leave him either. "I don't belong here. You and I both know that…" They would never have a normal life, unless she did this.

She couldn't look at him as the stream of tears escaped from her eyes. As much as it hurt…it was her only option. Her mouth felt like sandpaper and her eyes stung. She wanted to have him hold her and never face the world again…but she couldn't. He looked at the letter again. "Mary, it doesn't say you have to go! Y-you can't just leave me! I…I though we loved each other…I guess I was wrong"

That hit her hard. Did he honestly think that she didn't love him? From the moment they met she loved him! He was the only one who'd made her happy, who'd seen past what others couldn't. Why was he making this so difficult? She would be back, one day. It may be a while but one day she would come back, normal. She would be fine. They would be fine "Burt, do you really think this is what I want! To leave my life, our life, behind…I don't. How could you think that?"

His eyes looked desperate. They looked for some way of escaping this, some way to her stay, here…with him. "Mary, please, just don't – just don't go. Please! Wha – What…what if it goes away! How'dya know that it's not just gunna go away?"

"Things that just go away don't call for letters such as the one you're holding," she said dismally. If she didn't go, this thing would stay with her forever, it said so in that booklet. She would, they would, live in fear of her being discovered. She couldn't dare risk that.

"There's gotta be some other way! Wait –" He took her hand and got down on his knee. No…no it wouldn't come to this. His eyes pled with her. She was the one true good thing in his life. He didn't know if he could go on living each day without her. "Mary Poppins, will you marry me?"

She bit her lip and closed her eyes, trying to fight back a sob. Why was he making this so difficult on them? Why couldn't he just accept the fact that she had to leave or this thing wouldn't go away? It would haunt them for the rest of their lives. They wouldn't have children. "Burt, I can't do that! I – I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because!"

"Because why?"

Her eyes got colder and the tears stopped. He shouldn't be making this so hard on them. He should just accept it, he had to. She couldn't take it. It was what she had to do. For her and for them. It was a sacrifice that she had to make for the better. "Because," she looked him dead on, "I have to go."/i

"Burt, please don't bring that up…" she asked him mournfully. They were back at his house. It was nice, small, cozy…everything she had ever wanted for them. On the late nights, when she allowed her mind to wonder off on its own, she had seen it, their life together. A small, little house that had just the space they needed. For the two of them and their little child.

"Why Mary? Just tell me, why'd you do it, was I not enough for you? I'm sorry, it's just – it's just that seeing you…it brings back so many memories and I -"

"That's all they'll ever be now, is memories…" He was getting married now. They could never have the little house in her dreams. They could never be anything. Friends. But they had been so much more than that. It tore her apart every time she thought about him marrying another woman. I should have been her. She had been correcting herself ever since she had to know the devastating news but she had nothing to lose. It should have been her, the statement had been repeated within her so many times that it became sheer and utterly meaningless. "It's going to be okay." At the end of the day the statement is worth not a penny for the mere fact that whether or not the person saying it truly believes that in the end it will, in fact, "be okay" they say it anyway. We say it because when we are at our lowest and our worst nightmares are slowing creeping upon us, we need something to convince ourselves that there is hope, whether or not such a thing even exist. It should have been her, she didn't know whether or not it was true or if she could even believe it, if she could believe anything but did that stop her from convincing herself? No, for it brought along a miniscule amount of hope that if fate truly exist and destiny is the dotted line of a treasure map, then God would be merciful and spare her of not finding the X. It should have been her.

"But Mary…I still love you –"

Most people would see the person that you would do anything for saying that they loved you, as a good thing. Then again, ladies and gents, Mary Poppins, is most certainly not most people so this very rule does not exactly apply to her. Keep that in mind. His words only hurt, an emotion and physical pain that she had become quite acquainted with. You could say they were the best of friends, the worst of enemies, whether or not a difference existed, she didn't know. She almost didn't recognize her voice…it came out in a horse whisper. "Then why are you getting married?"

"Because…you left me, Mary, you left. If you left you must not have loved me that much…and am I supposed to-"

Oh God! Why did he always think that! She loved him more than anything! She did this for him, for her, for them. It was supposed to be for them. It killed her that he didn't know that. "Burt, I've always loved you, I never stopped!" Tears were running down her cheeks now. All she wanted to do was feel it again, feel what they'd once had. It was itching in her. Partly because she longed for the comfort of knowing that she could feel, partly because of the look in his eyes. She wanted everything else to go away. "I left that day for us."

"What'dya mean?"

He saw her turn and look at him, tears streaming from her once bright blue eyes. "-Burt…if I hadn't gone," she started, choosing her words with care. "If I hadn't gone, these powers would have never gone away…I-I didn't want to put that burden on you. If we had children –" she looked away for a moment but then back at him. "They would have had it too…I couldn't do that, not to them." she said, the sob that she had been fighting back now, working its way to the surface.

He moved closer to her on the couch and put his arms around her. "Why didn't you ever tell me," he asked too soft for her to really hear at all.

"And – and we both wanted them so badly and I couldn't do it…I thought that maybe once I came back –"

"What?"

She sat up a little and looked at him, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. "Once I came back," she repeated when he still looked puzzled.

"You mean, you were comin' back?"

"Of course." There was a moment where time stood still, everything seemed to stop. Her eyes were filled with honesty, his with regret for the decisions he'd made without knowing. This entire time…he thought…he didn't know. Barely three inches apart, she studied his reaction, her eyes puffy and red. "I thought…I don't know what I thought…" she told him honestly. He didn't know what she thought either but she was planning on coming back…it boggled his mind. He never considered that possibility. It changed everything.

"Mary, do you still love me," he asked her.

Her breath came out unsteady as she tried to answer his question honestly. "I-I'm…not allowed…anymore," she told him, looking down so he couldn't see or hear her voice and eyes flowing with pain. She wasn't allowed anymore, saying aloud, only made it that much more real. He was engaged, she wasn't finished with her term…they weren't allowed anymore. It hurt to watch someone you love, love someone else but to not be able to love someone… someone that you've loved your entire life… it hurt. Not only that, it just made her want it that much more, it made her miss the feeling of his arms around her, the feeling of his lips on hers, everything, knowing that she could never be allowed to feel it again.

He saw and felt her anguish. He didn't want to feel it though, everything in him told him not to feel it. He felt what they had was still strong…nothing should stop it.

She felt him near even closer and her chest felt heavy as lead and her head felt foggy as her breath hastened. "What's stopping you," he asked, his voice far off and eyes closed, lips barely distanced from hers. It was too late to get out of whatever they were in, they were both lost in some insane time warp. She felt a tingling sensation in her stomach and her eyes felt heavy. Where was her mind at times like these?

"Everything-" she barley said above a whisper before he closed the distance between them. She didn't resist it.