A/N: "I Don't Know" – Celine Dion. Don't own it, or CSI. But you already knew that, you smart people, you! XD Heeheee.
Anyone who has ever experienced an eating disorder may have different views on how Sara would be feeling and what she'd be thinking about than I've expressed in this chapter. But I pin her reason on the magnitude of stress she's under at the moment. Just… let it play through your mind as you read, and think about what she's going through. 'nuff said about that. :) Sorry for the delay in chapter-posting; I know I said I'd get the next one up here soon. There's 2 months left in the school year; I still have 35 percent to complete. And I'm freaking out. (laughs) Hope this makes up for it! Thanks for the awesome feedback, I should also mention where I got the 'Sara has been gone for 4 months' thing- Chapter 1 starts with Nicky's birthday, which is around August 18th, I believe… so its actually a little more than 4 months, as this chapter takes place on Christmas Eve.
"What's wrong?"
"Everything is wrong, Nick…" Sara averted her eyes from his warm, concerned gaze, staring instead at the floor, whose faint emotionless glare seemed much safer. "Look, it's okay... I just haven't been able to keep anything down lately. I'll be fine now I'm with you-" A faint smile crossed her lips as she added "…I'm sure..." It was true; the stress of the last month before Christmas had been extreme. The whole SFPD team was chasing the brutal gang they suspected was behind the airport bombings, trying to nail members of the group for anything possible. Truth be told, they were scrambling- so desperate for tangible evidence not ruined or lost in the blazes that nearly every scrap had been sent into the labs or even to other cities for the most extensive analysis available. The frustration and stress had gotten to everyone, and whenever Adelaide and Michael (who were even forced to postpone their already late honeymoon) did manage to get her to eat anything, Sara would almost unconsciously find herself in the bathroom less than a half hour later… gagging. It was as if she had no control over it… but she hoped it would maybe stop now that she was back with Nick, that finally being with him again would relax her enough to keep that horrible stirring feeling in her stomach at bay, the impulsive purging from rearing its ugly head.
"You're damn right, I will…" Nick mumbled softly, only half intending Sara to hear him. Her eyes flickered up from the floor as his assurance filled them further with tears.
"Thank you," She offered him a watery smile. "I love you Nicky…"
It was all Nick could do at that moment not to melt into the kitchen tile at the mere sight of her. She looked so fragile, and he knew she was; both emotionally and physically. And yet… she was still incredibly beautiful… and stubborn as ever. He returned her feeble smile as best he could, wrapping her very slender body tightly in his arms as he pulled her close… and they just stood there, hugging one another for a long moment, each unable to pull away for fear that they'd loose the other again.
A mountain of stone, a door of steel…
Can't stand in my way,
I'd go on…
"You got a Christmas tree…" Sara spied a little dark green pine in the corner of the living room as they finally broke apart, her hands sliding down from their position on his chest to clasp his between them. Swiftly brought back to consciousness after their long silence, Nick allowed his mouth to form a slight smile, which only grew larger when he caught the twinkle in her eye as she stared at the modest tree. It was during moments like these that he realized how much she made him feel like a kid again.
"Mm hmm… I thought you'd like it…" He brushed a dark curl from her face as he too turned to take in the sight of the corner he'd decorated himself just a few days previous. At the time, he'd thought he'd be spending Christmas alone, and throwing up a few ribbons and bunches of mistletoe was his attempt to lessen the loneliness he felt without Sara. Of course, it hadn't helped much, but he found at the very least that it helped him to envision her there with him as he sat alone and admittedly miserable beneath the white berries. He could have gone out with Greg and Warrick, who had offered to take him to a sports game, a bar, even a nightclub… but he just couldn't bring himself to do much during his time off. Other than avoid Sofia, that is, his subconscious deadpanned. But the thought was soon pushed far from his mind as he watched a solitary tear trace the lines already forged down her slight cheeks, her face cracking into the gap-toothed grin he'd missed so much. Her words, however, wiped the matching smile he wore right off Nick's face.
"I've never had a Christmas tree before."
"You're kidding me, Sar… Never?"
"No… I never really had one as a kid; I mean, the B&B had one upstairs during Christmas, but we never used it. It was just for the guests," she glanced at Nick. "… Sounds stupid, I know. But the part of the house we lived in never got decorated for Christmas or anything, and if we got a present, they jut put it at the end of our beds." Sara sighed, looking troubled, as if trying not to think about something. "I didn't live in the dorms at Harvard, so there wasn't one there… and I guess I've never had a reason to get one since." Smiling wistfully, she finished, "I'm not complaining, but Christmas really is just another day when you're alone."
I've tasted fear, my share of pain…
The wasted tears,
Of love in vain…
Nick found himself unable to imagine what Christmas must have been like for Sara as a child. He couldn't fathom what it would have been like not to be brought up in a house full of family, love and Christmas spirit.
"Never again, Sar." His fingertips caressed her cheek gently as he drew close to kiss her, loosing himself in those eyes that seemed to hold pools of emotion so deep that nothing could ever reach bottom. Sara's heart fluttered in her chest at the feeling of his body coming closer to hers once more, and suddenly the loneliness she'd felt in the last four months released itself in a burst of emotion. She nearly collapsed in his arms as her slight form began to tremble almost involuntarily and Nick, sensing this, took her in his arms and carried her to the couch they always used to sit in together, this time looking out the bay window into the snowy evening. Sara barely noticed. Everything was coming out. Her fault in the deaths of two people she cared for, the frustration of her helplessness in the face of her responsibility, her lost past… the pain she knew she'd inflicted on too many people; Blaze, Nick… And yet, here they still were; Blaze looking after her and even sending her home for Christmas, and Nick- who would give her the very shirt off his back without so much as a second thought. She had no right… she didn't deserve it….
"Shh… Shhhh, honey…" Nick held her steady in his arms as she struggled to regain her composure. He rocked her back and forth, laying her head on the arm of the couch, her shoulders and back in his lap as he smoothed her hair from her face, attempting to comfort her. Somehow, despite the sudden outburst, he was hardly surprised that she'd broken down. She didn't seem herself, even when he picked her up at the airport, but he knew her too well to expect that she'd pour everything out in public. "It'll get better… shh…" There was no doubt in his mind she was crying over more than being alone for so long. "I'm here… we're here. Together."
"I'm sorry…" she shuddered, willing herself to calm down enough to speak. She felt like a selfish child, dumping herself on him.
"Shh… it's okay…"
I'm sure I could face the bitter cold…
But a life without you,
I don't know…
The next hour passed by as Sara laid in Nick's lap, almost dozing off in the comfort of his arms. He himself almost drifted off as well, still smoothing her soft curls, drying the damp tear stains on her cheeks. The silence seemed to speak for them, as the room was quiet, the peace only broken by the muted strains of classical Christmas music that could be heard from outside. It wasn't until Sara stirred slightly that they both seemed to wake up.
"I love you, Nick." A serene whisper from below filled his ear, almost song-like. He smiled, looking down at the bearer of the angel's voice.
"I love you too." His voice cracked faintly when he caught sight of the smile that had shyly crept up on her face as well. Subconsciously he felt the tips of her fingers brushing gently the hand he'd rested on her waist to keep her from falling.
"Pachelbel's Cannon." Sara whispered again, pushing everything but thoughts of Nick from her mind with as much force as she could muster. The neighbors must have had their stereo cranked up all the way, because she could hear the Christmas string symphony quite clearly, though the sound remained delicate, festive.
"My favourite." Nick replied, also noting how clearly they could hear the music but not finding he minded all that much. He was surprised when Sara slowly sat up, finally standing and offering to help him to his feet as well.
"Care to dance?" She spoke softly, gently, clasping his shoulder with her left hand. It was just an excuse to be closer to him. He chuckled lightly, holding her right hand with his left, placing his right palm on her thin waist.
"I'd be honoured, m'lady." Unable to keep the amused grin off his face, Nick started them off in a deliberately slow waltz step, drawing her so close to him that their clasped hands unlocked, each holding the other's arm halfway up instead. They were so close… Sara could feel his every sigh, her head resting lightly on his shoulder as they moved to the music. She became so concentrated on his heartbeat that she barely noticed a few moments later that he'd led them back into the kitchen, to the living room, and finally… under a bunch of mistletoe that hung from the ceiling.
"Look up, Sar…" Nick raised his eyebrows toward the ceiling, and she obliged, tilting her head back just enough to see what was directly above them, a few of her brunette locks tickling his hand softly. Another warm smile crossed her face as she looked from the mistletoe to Nick. She closed her eyes expectantly; clearly unable to keep the smug look from her face as she pointed to her cheek, blindly indicating that he'd better kiss her. In truth, it was all she could do to keep from giggling; he however, didn't manage to suppress his chuckle. Capturing her pink lips with his own, he managed to guide her head back to face him fully. She let out a soft moan of surprise, having expected him to lay his lips softly on her cheek, though she could hardly complain. Nick's hand escaped hers, wandering instead into her dark hair, weaving through the dark curls. The kiss was gentle at first, but quickly became fervent; his lungs took in a sharp breath at her lips when he felt her left hand, which had previously been tracing the contours of his shoulder, begin playing at his belt buckle.
"Nicky... what's wrong…" Her breathing a little laboured, Sara frowned slightly as she felt him momentarily stiffen, her eyes still closed as she drew her lips back a bit to speak.
"Nothing… nothing at all," Nick had to stop for a second to consider what was really happening. She was really there, she really was back. He placed another short kiss on her lips, to which she attempted to respond, but he pulled back too fast. Her eyes flickered open in confusion, meeting his for a split second before he swept her off her feet. At this she let out a muffled yelp of surprise, which was only to be quickly replaced by giggles as his gaze caught hers once more. Nick raised his eyebrows suggestively as Sara finally removed his belt, a triumphant grin on her face and eyes sparkling with laughter as they set off in the direction of the bedroom.
I've learned how to deal and when to fight
I know what's real, I know what's right
I'm not afraid,
A wounded dove…
I can be tender,
In a world so tough…
-------
I'm sure I could face the bitter cold…
But a life without you,
I don't know…
A/N: Sometimes I think this story is bipolar. (laughs) It's almost scary. I had planned to make this chapter really long, as this story is already going to be so lengthy that I shouldn't be posting chapters without pushing the plot along at least a little. Sadly, fluff does not advance my plotline. (But that's never really stopped me before……) In the end I decided to end it here, and immediately begin writing the next chapter. Again, I'm really sorry for leaving this for an entire month- I tried several times to follow up on the cliffie I left at the end of chapter 16, quite unsuccessfully. I just couldn't get it right until now. Hopefully that won't happen again, my muse is a little bizarre at times. :) I hope you enjoyed, please let me know what you think, and scream at me for not updating if you have to. God knows I deserve it! (laughs) Happy April Fools day, too, by the way! XD
-Sahariah