Chapter 18
Marley POV
My eyes felt heavy and sore when I opened them the next morning. I had slept fitfully, falling into bed after picking myself up from the floor of the entrance way, tears like rivers on my cheeks. His texts had helped bring a brief smile but the bed felt empty without waking next to him. Those two days of having him in my house had ruined it for me. Now that I knew the feeling of him being close, it was all I wanted.
I needed to get moving, to pick Sophia up from mums house and drop her to preschool. Then work could be my distraction for most of the day. As 9am came and went, there was no knock at the door with an envelope to make me smile and he was in another country, far across the ocean from me. So, it was back to the old normal routine without him but now my new normal had memories that I didn't want to let go of.
When I picked Sophia up, Mum took one look at my face and said, "why don't you come back here after you've dropped her to preschool? Looks like you could do with a cuppa." So, half an hour later I sat on the floor at mums house, Toko laying over my legs. He could tell I wasn't happy and was content to be close. I was relishing the contact, rubbing his ears as he looked up at me with huge eyes. Mum walked in, holding a cup of tea for me and stopped abruptly noticing my expression, placing the cup down on the side table.
"What's wrong Marley? Are you thinking about Matthew?"
"That would make the most sense wouldn't it. And I'm a bit ashamed to say that's not who I was thinking about." I sat up and walked over to the sofa, Toko following to settle on my lap as I reached for the cup. "I met someone Mum, is it too soon?"
"Love doesn't stick to rules Marley," she answered, sitting down across from me after patting my leg.
"I don't know if I love him, just that I miss him terribly. He lives overseas and works all over the world so we met while he was in town. I don't know when I'll see him again."
"I watched you break when Matthew died and I've watched how bravely you put yourself back together this last year for Sophia's sake. But you're not completely happy and I know you're lonely. Even if it's not love yet, you owe it to yourself to find out where it's going and if there is the possibility of more. If there's anything I can do to help with that, I will. You know I love you."
"Thanks mum. I've been battling in my head about whether it's real. I don't really have anything to compare it to. Loving Matty had been so easy, The lines between friendship and more had blurred in our teens so I wasn't even sure when we both knew we'd fallen for each other. It just crept up on us. With Tae, well, the attraction was there from the very beginning. But it's so complicated." I took a few sips of the hot drink, feeling the warmth as I thought about the last few days.
"Tae, that's his name? I hope this Tae knows how precious you are."
I laughed at how earnest her face looked. "He went out of his way to plan some very special moments for us to enjoy. That made me feel very treasured."
"OK, he's off to a good start. But be warned, he needs to treat you right."
"I don't think that will be a problem, he has been incredibly respectful so far."
She looked like she wanted to ask another question but didn't press it and I was grateful. That was all I felt like I could share for now.
"Thanks for listening mum, you always know how to put my mind at ease."
"All I'll ever want is for you to be happy."
"I know. I think he could definitely help make me feel happy again, I know he already has."
"Then embrace it Marley. You might have to let him into parts of yourself that you've hidden away but if he's the right person, it will be the best decision you make to be vulnerable with him."
I nodded, swallowing. Her words rang true but I didn't know how long it would take to fully get to that place and if he'd wait for me while I worked it out.
I was sitting at my desk in the studio early that afternoon when the first message came through.
TaeTae
We've landed. And I miss you.
My heart stopped then sped up again as I went to reply. Remembering mums words to let my guard down, I was more honest than I would've been in person.
Marley
I wish it was your voice I could hear saying those words. I miss that sound already. And you
TaeTae
I can't video call right now as I'm in a dressing room surrounded by people but put this to your ear.
Voice message:
whisper – what are you wearing
When I saw the voice message come through, I played it and laughed, imagining him holding his phone up to his mouth to whisper quietly so no-one could hear, a cheeky look on his face. Then I played it again and blushed. Then I played it again and again, his low tone and sweet accent rumbling through my phone, making my heart flutter. I couldn't bring myself to reply with a voice message so fired off another text message reply.
Marley
You are definitely a flirt. I'm not wearing anything...
TaeTae
I don't believe you, send photo evidence!
Marley
Did you just ask me to send nudes?!
There was a longer pause this time between messages before another one popped up.
TaeTae
I absolutely did not solicit any kind of inappropriate material now or in the past and the company would like me to advise you that I said nothing of the sort
Marley
Wait, you told the managers?
TaeTae
LOL no, that would just be the kind of thing I would need to say if my phone messages were ever made public. I had to copy and paste that last message, I don't even know what some of those words mean
Marley
Gotcha. I won't send them to you then, I'll keep those moments for when we're in person
As I clicked the last message off, I instantly regretted it, wanting to take it back but it had already been seen.
TaeTae
I'm walking into an interview but I couldn't leave that unanswered. Holy cow, my brain is very distracted now. The interview will probably be on youTube later as it's for TV, watch out for me. I've got to go but, wow! I am smiling.
I was laughing at our banter and maybe my cheeks were a little red from what I'd insinuated but it felt just the right amount of naughty. And he'd left me with the nugget of an interview to search out later. That at least helped a little, the thought that although I couldn't see him in real time, I could still see him later today.
Thinking about the internet reminded me I hadn't gone on Instagram in the last 24 hours. I wondered if the pictures Tae had posted from our time at the river were still doing the rounds or if they'd been replaced by photos of them landing in Australia. I had already seen that any place they went, photos were circulated almost immediately.
I did find some photos at the airport, Tae had waved to the ARMY waiting to see them arrive in the country but his smile seemed forced. Or was I projecting my own feelings onto the situation? Scrolling further I stopped as I saw pictures of myself snapped at the Korean Restaurant last night. You couldn't see anything other than the dress I was wearing from the side, Choi Ji-ho doing a good job of obscuring me from sight. There were several snapped in close succession as we walked to the car and then some of Tae leaving after me, obvious it was the same place, obvious it was him. I clearly felt like punishing myself so clicked on the comments to read what people were saying.
Who is with Manager-Nim?
Is that another staff?
They're not dressed like staff.
Tae came out of the restaurant not long after but they left in different cars
Don't tell me it's not the same person as in the other photos. He's not even trying to hide it now.
You're delulu, none of the band are dating, they'll tell us when they are
Do you think they should tell us everything about their private life? Real fans will be happy for him.
But I'm going to be his wife!
Dream on, what are you, like 14?
She's ugly, he could do better.
If Tae is with her then she's got to be a nice person, stop calling her ugly, you can't even see her.
She doesn't deserve him. I'm so angry right now.
Oh he's dating? About time!
I'm crying, why does she get him and I don't
I clicked out of the app, throwing my phone down next to me. My skin wasn't thick enough for the things that were being said and I decided that I couldn't go on social media if I didn't want to feel like a complete mess. I picked up my phone again and messaged him straight away.
Marley
You're probably still in the interview but I just wanted to let you know I'm putting my phone away for a few hours so will go radio silent. But I'll check back again at dinner time xx
Then I clicked back on my laptop, trying to focus on work but failing miserably.
KTH POV
I hadn't slept well on the plane and my hyung had looked at me sympathetically, knowing I was feeling pretty rubbish about having to leave Marley behind.
Jimin came up and slung his arm over my shoulder as we walked off the plane. "Did she like the gift you got made for her?"
"It hasn't arrived yet, I think they said it should be delivered in the next few days."
"The picture you showed me was very pretty, I'm sure she'll love it. How did the talk go, about the future?"
"Not good, I didn't say what I wanted to say. I'm not sure she knows where I want this to go."
"Is that a conversation you want to have over video chat?"
"I think we need to do that in person. But I'm not sure when, it's not as easy as just jumping on a plane, for either of us."
"Isn't it? Have you asked her?"
"Asked her if she can drop everything, get on a plane and fly to another country so we can talk? No, I haven't done that."
"You won't know if you don't try," he said, squeezing my shoulder as we approached customs.
When I had sat in the makeup chair and we'd started messaging, it felt like the first time I'd smiled properly that day. And when she'd said she wasn't wearing anything, I'd squeezed my eyes tightly at the thought. I knew it wasn't likely to be true but it felt like she was letting me in just a little more and that felt amazing. The back and forth between us was easy and it reminded me how easy it had been all along with Marley. Which made me miss her more. At least I could send her a message during the interview, if I could tune in long enough to what was being said. She had sent my head in a spin when she'd said she'd save some moments for in person. It meant she was thinking there would be a next time. And that maybe our connection could progress. I was ready for that when she was but I could wait as long as she needed me to.
When I came out of the interview and grabbed my phone, I saw she had messaged. Something about it read as odd to me, like something had happened. It seemed strange that she had messaged to say she wouldn't be around but maybe it was just so I wasn't waiting for a reply. Our contact was always going to be hit and miss a lot of the time with different time zones and schedules. It was one thing my family and friends were used to, video calls that might only last a few minutes and at random times. But still, something niggled in the back of my mind.
TaeTae
I know you won't reply right now but when you see this, can you please message to let me know you're OK. It seemed like you might not be and I'm a little worried xx
TaeTae
Did I tell you that you're cute? Because you are
TaeTae
OK that was random, ignore me
TaeTae
No, I mean, you are cute, just ignore my randomness, it was out of the blue
TaeTae
Now you're probably thinking how weird I am
TaeTae
Please don't read any of my previous messages. Apart from my first one. I'm so bad at this...
TaeTae
Jimin just told me I was a hopeless case. Hopefully you like guys who are hopeless. Or specifically just one guy
TaeTae
I'll go now **quietly backs out of the room** Let me know you're alright when you can xx
Marley POV
When I snapped out of my funk, I had to race straight out the door, arriving a little late to pick up Sophia. The staff at the preschool had been very kind throughout the last year and didn't even bat an eye when I apologised for it being 15 minutes after pick up time. But I was annoyed at myself. Sophia was the most important thing in the world to me and I had let some random people at the end of their keyboards talk about things they had no idea about and it had bothered me, making me late.
I hadn't even checked my phone in my rush out the door but when we walked in the door and I'd settled Sophia with a snack, I had a look at my messages while I started preparing dinner noticing Tae had sent me multiple replies. Reading them made me smile ear to ear and then I realised I was staring at my phone with a goofy, fond look on my face and replied.
Marley
You are exactly what I needed right now in all your random, hopeless, cuteness
He messaged back almost straight away.
TaeTae
You have no idea how good it is to hear back from you, you're OK?
Marley
I am now, thank you xx
TaeTae
I want to video chat later tonight when our schedule is finished, I'd like to hear your voice
Marley
It's a date xx
I was smiling as I grabbed ingredients out of the cupboard. He had lifted my spirits with just a few words, wiping out my mopey afternoon. I knew now I needed to be careful online, that I was too sensitive to read comments on social media and that I needed to protect Tae from my feelings as he didn't need those on top of how complicated his life already was.
After dinner, when Sophia had gone to sleep, I took my laptop into the lounge and searched for the interview he had talked about earlier. It was a 10 minute segment on a nationwide morning TV show in Australia and I settled in to watch, a blanket tucked over my legs. It didn't take long to find online and I was pleased that the camera angle meant all the members were seen so I could watch Tae the whole time. And drool.
He was dressed in loose-fitting suit pants, a shirt and woollen black vest, earring hanging long from one ear with chain at his neck. In other words, he looked edible and I couldn't look away. There were questions about the new album, mainly answered by Namjoon and Min Yoongi but they posed a few questions for all of them to answer, one being 'have you tried any Australian breakfast foods since you've arrived.' Most of them answered that they'd had some vegemite on toast or certain cereals but when they got to Tae, he answered that he liked fruit for breakfast, watermelon being his current favourite. The members looked confused but glossed over it as they were used to Tae being a little eccentric in most situations. I on the other hand giggled, thinking of my lip balm. Then when it was time to wrap up, they each looked at the camera and said a message to ARMY. Tae mimed taking a photo with a click and a wink then put his 3 fingers on his cheek in an M as he said, "always be careful sending photos to your friends over the internet."
Namjoon's mouth fell open, he honestly had no idea what to make of that and had no idea of how to smooth that over so he just said "Thank you for that public service announcement Taehyungie," and moved onto J-Hope who did some aegyo and said 'Saranghae ARMY' with a finger heart. Meanwhile, Tae was just smirking, he knew what he meant and so did I.
By now I was rolling around laughing on the sofa, not just thinking of the watermelon lip balm but also our conversation earlier in the day about sending nudes. He was very good at making me feel like he was thinking of me and I appreciated his gesture. I fired off a message for him to reply to when he could.
Marley
OMG, Namjoon looked like he was going to throw something at you. You are too much!
TaeTae
He did ask me if I'd lost my mind after the interview was over. I reminded him that internet safety is important
Marley
Very very true. My evening is free whenever you are. Clearly, I have no life
TaeTae
I'm almost finished for the night, I can video chat in about 20 minutes after I've showered?
Marley
I'll be ready xx
Getting up from the couch, I locked up the house and turned all the lights off before changing into a t-shirt and PJ pants. I jumped into bed and under the covers, ready to talk. I had no idea if it was a 5 minute or hour long conversation but I wanted to be comfortable for however long I got to spend with him.
He was also in bed when the call connected half an hour later, damp hair falling against his head as he ran his fingers through it. "Hey jagiya, how are you doing?"
I was already surprised at how my heart leapt the moment I saw him through the screen but when he spoke, I had to close my eyes briefly before answering, unsure if I'd ever get used to his deep voice calling me honey. "Hey yourself," I replied, feeling shy. We'd flirted a little through the day and my emotions had been up and down and now we were sitting in bed together, sort of, and I was looking at him thinking too many thoughts. "I'm doing OK. This is the best part of my day so far."
"Mine too," he said, resting his back against the headboard of the bed. "So you saw the interview?"
I laughed. "Yes, that was very subtle."
"Well no-one else understood so at least it was a message just for you."
"And to all the ARMY considering sending photos to the wrong kind of people."
"That's an important life lesson. But seriously, were you OK earlier?" He leaned in to the screen, his face filling most of it so I could see every move of his eyes as they held mine.
"Yes, after a bit. I just realised that the world can be a harsh place and then I got over myself. Your messages helped."
"Ah, I have those moments too. Being in this line of work, we've had a lot of hate."
"Some people are cruel for no good reason, I can't imagine why they'd put that hate onto you guys. All I've felt listening to your music or watching you is positive vibes, even in the sad songs."
"ARMY pulled us through all those times, we will forever be grateful that they stood with us."
"I wish I'd become ARMY earlier."
"Oh are you ARMY now?"
"Of course I am! How could I not be?"
"I think if you had been ARMY when we met, this wouldn't have happened the same way. We would've talked differently," he chewed his lip in thought and yawned, stifling it with his hand.
"I feel a bit the same," I said snuggling down under the covers, pulling the phone closer and turning on my side. "I did not get a lot of sleep last night."
"It's not late here but I am still in your timezone and I have a super early start. Actually, tomorrow will be difficult to talk. I have to be up early for a radio interview then we're busy all day before our first concert here tomorrow night. I'll get back so late that it will be early morning your time. Can we video chat around your breakfast time instead?"
"Tomorrow morning? I leave to take Sophia to preschool around 9am, that's 6am your time, isn't that way too early for you?"
"I don't mind, my alarm will go off at 615am anyway. Why don't I make it 545am so we have a little time, I don't want to just message. I am finding talking to you over video call easier to not miss you as much."
I held my lip in my teeth as I paused before answering honestly. "I'm not finding any of it easy."
"I'm sorry Marley. My life, it does make it hard. I was worried when you discovered that to be the case that you'd walk away."
"No chance. I've done hard when it comes to life, I know that some things are worth sticking with. If you want it enough."
We looked at each other and the soft smile he gave me made my heart set off at a stupidly fast pace. I wasn't ever prepared for those moments to swoop over me, they took me by surprise every time. Was I going to get used to looking at him and seeing those chocolate eyes looking back at me fondly?
"I couldn't be more happy to hear that Marley. I should let you sleep now," as he yawned again.
I laughed. "I think we should both let each other sleep. Although, honestly, I don't want to hang up."
"If we don't you might hear me snore."
"Have you forgotten you stayed here for two nights. I saw all sorts of things about you sleeping."
"I definitely have not forgotten. I think very happy thoughts about those nights."
I blushed and put my tongue between my teeth. "Right Casanova, sleep."
"I don't know what Casanova is but I will be sure to look it up."
"You do that, tomorrow, once you've slept. I feel lighter after talking to you."
"I feel all sorts of things after talking to you," and he raised his eyebrow before giving a boxy grin.
I wanted to reach through the screen and hit him on the arm while pulling him in for a hug at his words. But, feeling brave in the moment, I kissed my fingertips and sent the kiss his way.
"Night Marley, until next time," he said, kissing his hand in return and pressing it to the screen as he hung up from the call.
I curled up holding the phone to my chest. An image of Matty popped into my head, the last call I'd had with him on the night he'd died. I was in bed then too. We'd talked after his gig when he was packing up, letting me know he'd be home very late by the time they drove back. He'd told me not to wait up for him and I'd held my phone to my chest for a while afterwards, frustrated that here was another night I'd fall asleep alone. His gigging had been picking up and while it was good for their music, it wasn't the easiest things when raising a toddler. And here I was again, talking to a man and saying goodnight before falling asleep alone. Deja vu. I shook my head, not wanting to mix my feelings about Matty in with Tae. They were very different people and relationships, if you could call what I had with Tae a relationship. I did know I wanted it to be. My phone vibrated against my body and I clicked it open when I saw his name.
TaeTae
I've looked up Casanova. You give me far too much credit!
Marley
Oh I doubt that very much! xx
TaeTae
I don't want you to be disappointed if I don't live up to expectations...
Marley
Not even a chance of disappointment. Sleep Taehyung, we'll cross that bridge together when we get to it
TaeTae
When? Not if?
Marley
I sure hope we're on the same page about this, I meant 'when'
I blushed at replying but we'd said no secrets and this was an important part of our relationship even if we hadn't gotten there yet. Yes, if we were heading down that track, I had no doubt I'd be very satisfied, whenever that happened.
TaeTae
And now I can go to sleep a very happy man, goodnight aein."
I had to use Google again, adding sweetheart to the list of Korean words I was very fond of as I drifted off to sleep, thinking what a beautiful language it was.
**I think I can update 3 times this week instead of twice so stay tuned and thanks for reading**