A/N: Contrary to popular belief, this chapter is relevant and needed. Warning: The chapter contains unnecessary capitalized letters and would've had multiple exclamation marks had FF allowed it. Consider yourself lucky. Reviews will also be replied to via e-mail instead of here. (pout)
Chapter 10 "Pick your Poison"
Nobody liked the laundress. You'd be considered desperate if you did. The laundress who had thick black hair and slightly chubby thighs over a skinny frame. Her hands were always damp and smelling of starch or soap. She always appeared to be sweaty, but that wasn't the case. The sheen of water from her face came from looking over the giant cauldrons filled with dirty laundry, simmering in a mixture of gray water and soap.
The laundress could have been something great, like a fearless warrior or a faithful cleric. But here she was, washing robes, day in and day out.
Nobody liked the laundress because she was a girl of italics, always emphasizing words with her sharp tongue. And there was another obvious reason, but that's coming up soon, don't worry.
Nobody like the laundress, who was always complaining and nagging about how hard and thankless her job was. And yet, there she was, everyday, for the last three years. She was only sixteen years old.
Par-Salian stood glumly before the closed doors of the official laundry room in the Tower of High Sorcery at Wayreth, holding a sack filled with his dirty robes. There was a joke among the mages that going into the laundry room was like going into the Abyss itself. Par-Salian openly discouraged this joke.
…Because it wasn't one at all.
The Head mage sucked in a deep breath and went in. Hot air and steam blew into his face and the odd scent of flowers filled his nose. Yes, it was the Abyss. Giant pots were lined before him. Some were over a fire while others were simply filled with discarded robes that had yet to be washed.
There was also a rumor that the laundress used to be a child prodigy in the Magical Art and that one day, she tried to read an ancient spell book and promptly went mad. Par-Salian scoffed at the idea, but now he could not help but wonder. No matter how much laundry there was, she would always finish doing the job by the end of the day. There were many mages living in the Tower… plus there were bed sheets to be washed, pillow covers, and towels… That's a lot of laundry.
"Ah… the Great Par-Salian has come to visit me finally," said a cheerful voice.
The mage scanned each of the giant pots until he found one that had a girl stirring its contents with a paddle. The laundress stared at him and placed the paddle down. She wiped her wet hands on her blue apron and curtsied.
Par-Salian could not believe his luck. He had caught the laundress in a good mood. It was a rare moment. No one has ever caught the laundress in a good mood before.
"Let me guess…" the laundress said, beaming, "you came all the way from the tippy-top of your Tower to inform me that a certain someone has received a certain promotion…?"
Par-Salian blinked, confused.
"Um… Beg pardon?" He held out his sack of dirty clothes, "I.. just wanted you to clean-"
The change in the laundress' face was drastically horrifying.
"Do you know," she snapped, walking up to him and grabbing away the sack, "how hard is it to get some appreciation around here? I've worked all day, all night just washing your clothes while you god-damn mages just sit around-"
"-so the stain's right here," Par-Salian said calmly, pulling out one of his soiled robes and pointing to the purple stain. Even though she was on one of her tangents, he knew the laundress was listening. "I spilt a bit of wine on it-"
"-and you white robes are absolutely the worst. Always staining this, staining that! With all the brains you people have, you'd think you could've chosen a darker color-"
"-and then this one here is in pretty bad shape," Par-Salian continued nonchalantly, "from a fireball accident I had. Burnt to a crisp, you see? Nothing you can't handle, I sure."
"-not even paid decently for this. I could get more steel by being a damn whore on the streets. At least I'll enjoy it better than this crappy-"
"-and that's it, really," Par-Salian hurried over to the exit, "Just wash the rest the way you do with the others. I have an important meeting coming up, so I want them ironed and pressed."
"-or how about if I don't iron and press them? Then your robes could match the wrinkles on your face, ya old fart," muttered the laundress, finishing her tangent. She held up the stain-free robes that she just finished cleaning with a critical eye and then dumped them into a bubbling pot.
Par-Salian decided to risk it now. For the sake of humanity.
"You are going to have to work overtime on Sunday, dear," he said, waiting for the volcano to explode, "we're planning a Conclave party of all sorts…"
"Anything else?" asked the laundress in a prim voice.
"Um… no?"
"A simple 'thank you' could've been sufficient, but noooooooo…. Mister high and mighty can't even say two simple words-" the laundress began again.
Par-Salian sighed and went out of the laundry room. He could still hear the girl raging from behind the door.
"-didn't even bothered asking me if I enjoyed my Sundays, the insensitive old schmuck-"
o0o
That evening…
The laundress was singing to herself quite loudly since there was no one to hear her. The song was really meant for a man to sing… but oh well, what the hey? The melody was light and happy, even if the words were sort of sad. She bobbed her head to the tune, stirring the cauldrons rhythmically.
Of course, the song would've had more effect if the laundress actually had a singing voice. Her voice was the sort that could shatter paper and crumble it into dust.
Sad, isn't it?
There was a knock on the door and the laundress promptly looked up and smiled evilly. No one ever knocked if they wanted to see her, that meant…
…Fresh meat.
Ah, yes… the new mages that just passed the Test would always knock. The poor timid things… Perfect! She rubbed her hands gleefully. A new cat to skin…
"'ello?" a boy came in, looking around curiously. He looked to be the same age as the laundress, perhaps a year younger maybe. Slung over his back was an extremely large bag. Judging by his black robes, he was a full fledged mage, but that couldn't be right, could it? He was way too young. The boy had a very pale face and long obsidian black hair that flowed loosely about his shoulders down to his waist. His eyes though… darker than his hair… had no boyish sparkle that was suppose to match his mischievous voice.
Catching sight of the laundress, the boy gave her a wicked looking grin and swung the bag down in front of her.
"Hello, I'm-"
Glaring heatedly at the bag, the laundress saw that it held of ton of dirty robes, mixed all together. Not… organized or even… color sorted… She exploded.
"You just HAD to come now, didn't you? Too BUSY in the morning, huh? HUH? Not one thank you all day for three years and then you come-"
The boy took a step back and put up his hands as if to ward off a demon, "Actually I was just-"
"-I have feelings too, you know! I'm not just some washing machine. I have a life-"
"Um.. I think you should calm down… maybe?"
"-calm? Me? I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT!" The laundress screamed, lifting a stirring paddle over her head.
"Wait, Tanya!" the boy yelped, resorting to desperate measures before he had his brains smashed.
Tanya lowered her paddle and burst in to tears. She hugged the boy tightly.
"That's the first time somebody called me by my real name," she sobbed, squeezing the boy with all her might. Somehow, having his brains smashed out didn't seem so bad after all, "Oh you sweet little child. May all the gods bless you and-"
"Um… I'm really much older than I look-"
"Please shut up. I am trying to convey my appreciation to you in a non-violient way."
"Oh, then please continue." the boy said meekly.
"-and such a cute little boy too… Hey. Wait a minute. Are you my long lost brother, by the way? How could you know my name?"
"It's about the laundry-" the boy began quickly, but Tanya had beaten him with the experience of a pro.
"-not good enough for ya? I'd like to see you try it, mister. Keep complaining and someday you'll find a ton of starch up your ass and-"
"No!" yelled the boy and slammed Tanya up against a wall without touching her. His hands glowed faintly from their magical radiance.
"-that does it. I'm gonna sue this place and demand-"
"Be quiet, will ya?" Nuitari pleaded, "I'm your substitute for tonight. You can go home and relax or do whatever you do for fun. I'm here to finish the laundry."
Tanya blinked, "Well, why didn't you say so?"
"You kept on interru-"
"Oh, did I?"
"Ye-"
"Sorry then."
"sss…." Nuitari sighed, wondering if Chemosh was willing to pull a few strings and grant the girl a one way express to the Abyss where his mother would be more than happy to flay her mangly body-
Tanya got up from the wall and took off her apron. She looked at the strange boy.
"You know how to wash clothes, right?"
"Of course. Don't worry about a thing…"
Tanya started to dance happily, "Alrightly, I'll be off now-"
Two figures entered the room. One was a pretty girl with a unique shade of dark red hair wearing a simple red dress and the other was a wide-eyed boy wearing a white robe with silver hair tied carelessly into a spiky tail. The obsidian-haired boy frowned darkly.
"Nui, what are you doing here?" The girl asked, placing her hands on her hips. Tanya noticed that her eyes glowed a hypnotic magenta color.
"Oh, you brought helpers!" Tanya clapped her hands together.
"You better not have done anything bad," the boy with the silver hair warned. He shook a finger at Nui.
The boy named Nui acted quickly. He snatched Tanya by the waist and pulled her close.
"Oh no! It looks like you two have found us out!" he cried dramatically.
"-what the hell do you think you're doing? Let go of me or I'll-"
Nuitari leaned close to Tanya's face and whispered into her ear.
"Play along and I'll buy you dinner," he hissed.
"My choice of tavern, but I'm no fool. Eat with me," she hissed back.
Nuitari drew back, "Are you kidding? Forget it then. I'm not that desperate."
Tanya sighed, "Fine. What about Sir Silver-hair over there? Hook me up with him?"
"I hate him as much as I hate all things pure and good, but even I would not condemn him to such a vulgar form of torture."
Tanya sighed again, but nodded. She tried…
"Oh darling," she swooned, "these must be your-"
"Cousins," Nuitari whispered.
"-cousins!"
Lunitari placed her hands over her mouth. "Nui, I didn't think-"
"But it's true!" Nuitari beamed. Tanya looked up at his face and could've sworn there was a throbbing vein.
"Wow, just like your sister!" Solunari said, "Ooohh… mortal lover…"
Lunitari clapped the back of Solunari's head, "I think it's very romantic!"
"Mortal…?" Tanya asked, confused.
"-a laundress at that too!" Sol stated.
Nuitari had to cover Tanya's mouth before the girl could say anything.
Lunitari's eyes widen, "And you haven't told her yet? Ooohhh…. This is so rich!"
"Yes, I was helping her do the laundry so that she can finish early and we could go out for dinner," he said flatly.
"Oh, we can finish it for you two then!" Luni said brightly.
Nuitari shook his head vigorously. "It's alright… um… I'm… uh…"
"An act of love!" Tanya swiftly saved him, "He's proving his love to me by doing the laundry!"
Luni and Sol stared in disbelief.
"That's so sweet!" Solunari sniffled, "Nui never does the laundry for me!"
"Or me!" Luni said, brushing a hand over her teary eyes.
"Now if you two could be so kind…" Tanya began as politely as she could, pressing her body meaningfully close against Nui's.
"Oh yes! We'll leave you two love birds alone! And don't worry, Nui! Your secret is safe with us!"
"Just leave, just leave, just leave," Nuitari muttered.
And so they left, giggling and giving the thumbs up at their shame-faced cousin.
When Tanya and Nuitari were absolutely sure they were alone, they took three giant steps back from each other. Both took a few moments to recover from the disturbing roles they had to play.
"Well, I'm glad that's over, now where's my dinner?" Tanya asked, holding out her hand.
Nuitari magicked up a pouch filled with the laundress' desired amount of steel. He handed it to her.
"You still doing the laundry?"
"Yeah, I'll be finish before sun-up," said Nuitari.
"Then I won't be back till then," Tanya grinned happily. She ran out the door without another word.
Nuitari rubbed his hands together and laughed.
"Begin step one…" he said, pulling out the dirty robes and dumping them into a pot.
o0o
Morning came with cries of shock and gasps from every mage in the Tower of Wayreth. Every single robe had disappeared from their drawers, regardless of their color. Mages ran around the hallways in pajamas looking for their missing clothes and those who slept in the nude were in serious trouble.
"What kind of joke is this?" screamed Ladonna (Head of the Black robes), stomping her foot on the ground and shaking a highly dangerous lightning wand at Par-Salian. The wizardress was wearing a revealing filmy gown. She desperately tried to cover herself up decently with a blanket.
"I have no idea what's going on," Par-Salian said, staring, "but I kinda like it…"
A quick zap and Par-Salian was pwnd in a matter of miliseconds.
Justarius appeared out of nowhere into the study and took one long look at Par-Salian. The Head of the Red Robes was wearing a one piece long-underwear jammie with a nighty cap to match. Assuming that Par-Salian had said something wrong to Ladonna about her choice of night wear, he looked up at her eagerly.
Justarius was dreadfully disappointed.
"ARRRGGHHH! OLD LADY BODY! I'VE JUST SEEN AN OLD LADY BODY! MY EYES!" The red robe cried out in pain. He covered his face and ran in octagons, "FOR THE LOVE OF LUNITARI, IT WAS LIKE PRUNES AND WRINKLY THINGS-"
And now Justarius was pwnd in a matter of miliseconds.
"Idiots and perverts, I'm surrounded by idiots and perverts," Ladonna sighed, tucking the wand back… somewhere… um.
"Hehe," Par-Salian giggled.
"Oh GOD. She tucked it in THERE," Justarius yelled in agony, clawing at his burning eyes.
The two male mages had miraculously been brought back to life by unknown forces. Too bad those unknown forces wasted their energy since Ladonna was about to rekill them again.
"Our clothes are back!" a voice called from outside the room, "the laundress said it was a surprise! She washed all of them! Her assistant told us they're back in our rooms!"
Ladonna stopped bashing Par-Salian's and Justarius' heads together. The two men were already unconscious. Leaving the limp bodies on the ground, she muttered a spell that would take her into her quarters.
Sure enough there was a wicker basket filled with fresh clean laundry. Ladonna eyed it suspiciously and looked inside. She smiled.
"Oh, how nice of the laundress."
o0o
Not too long after Justarius took a peek at his own basket. He took out a random robe and yelped.
"Oh, hell no!"
Par-Salian dug through his basket, flinging his robes everywhere.
"No! NO!" He screamed, disgusted, "This CAN'T be!"
o0o
Nuitari snickered as he delivered everybody's laundry. Mission accomplished.
The dark god was soon accompanied by his cousins.
"That was really nice of you," Lunitari said, giving Nuitari a quick hug.
"Even with magic, I still don't know how you did it," Solunari said, "Washing all that laundry in less than a night… that's gotta be some record."
Nuitari smiled his secretive smile, "Oh, it was easy… I just combined the whole thing into two separate loads."
Solunari slapped his forehead, "Of course! It's so simple! I wonder why the laundress didn't think of that!"
Lunitari nodded absently, but a sudden thought caused her eyes to narrow alarmingly.
"Two loads?"
Seeing that Lunitari was beginning to catch on, Nuitari grinned wildly, "Yup. Two loads."
The goddess swayed and worked her jaw. Too angry and shocked to say anything, she grabbed a basket that Nuitari was going to deliver to a white robe and opened in it. She pulled out a clean robe.
One can assume that the robe had been originally white with definitely no pink spots.
"You washed the whites with all the reds at the same time?" Lunitari asked shrilly.
Nuitari was unable to contain his delight.
"Yes!" he said, smirking insanely, "Why, there was so much more room in the pot, I decided to combine the red and white loads together. I would've washed in the blacks too, but I didn't have enough space. A pity, really." He added sweetly.
Solunari's voice was an octave higher than usual, "You fiend!"
Lunitari and Solunari dove into the pile of clean robes and stared to inspect each and every robe. Eventually the horrified Solunari yanked out something that used to be a red dress. It had faded into a repulsive rotten rose color.
"They're all pink!" Lunitari whispered, aghast. She looked down at the fuchsia-colored robe that she held in her hands. For sure, this belonged to a person of the male gender. She shuddered. "This is terrible."
"Aw, and there's nothing you could do about it," Nuitari said loudly, patting his cousin on the shoulder in mock comfort. He laughed.
"I heard that tough guys wear pink…" Solunari said miserably, trying to make light on the subject.
"No, only weak, sissy, and dorko guys wear pink," Nuitari countered, squashing all hope for the Light god.
"Oh…" Solunari said sadly.
Lunitari glanced up at Nui. Her eyes flashed a deep crimson, reflecting her suppressed anger and embarrassment. "How long do you plan to do this?" she asked calmly.
Nuitari winked at the neutral goddess and poked the tip of her nose.
"Until I'm satisfied, love."
End Chapter10
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