Battle of
the Mary-Sues
By Ettare
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter and his mottly gang. I also don't own Jerry Springer, Bow-Flex, US Celuar, or Dell. All property rights are contributed to their rightful owners.
—Albus Dumbledore's Office—
It was a lovely morning, the birds were chirping, the sun was shining, the grass was a lovely shade of green, and the Headmaster of Hogwarts, Albus Dumbledore, decided that now—in the middle of the War against Deatheaters/Voldemort—it would be a most lovely time to start a student exchange program at Hogwarts.
Because, in fact, there was probably some American, Canadian, German, Swiss, Chinese, Hispanic, Japanese or all of them—if the author is feeling diverse that the moment—girl out there that could cure Harry Potter of all his years of neglect and emotional abuse from when he stayed at the Dursley's. She would end up being his one true love or his long lost twin sister or both if the Mary-Sue swings in that direction.
Albus could see her now with her long shiny, shiny locks that fall like a cascade down her back, her shapely curves that would make all the other females at Hogwarts jealous, her perfectly shaped lips that would pout when she didn't get her way, and her strong rippling muscled arms and legs that would beat up that same person if the pout didn't work. Because, after all, Mary-Sue is perfect. And if she isn't, surely she would become perfect throughout the course of the story.
At once Albus whisked out his US Cellular phone even though they're in Scotland (because that's the way Mary-Sue logic works and hey, he got a great deal). He decided to be cheap and made a collect call for Dumbledore was after all, only a headmaster and he was way underpaid for all the stuff he had to do.
He dialed up all his headmaster friends and requested that they each send at least one Mary-Sue, I mean, student to Hogwarts and Hogwarts would send at least one back. Say goodbye to most of the cannon characters!
When Albus was finished, he smiled in satisfaction. He had, after all, not only ensured the future of the world by sneakily getting the strongest Mar—, I mean, students to come to Hogwarts, but Harry Potter would soon be reunited with his family and hopefully settle down with one of the exchange girls.
He sighed and went to get his Dell Laptop (he had placed a charm on it to get it to work at Hogwarts). Albus leaned over the keys and signed onto Britain on Line which was the equivalent to AOL. Who would have thought? Albus? A computer junkie?
—The Hogwarts Express—
Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, and Hermione Granger filed into an empty compartment and sat down. Finding nothing better to do, they decided to take a nap for they had just run the last few miles to escape screaming fan-girls and a few fan-guys.
Just when they had finally drifted into a light sleep the door slammed open and in stepped—no, not Jerry Springer--Draco Malfoy. Apparently Draco had worked out the whole summer because he was no longer pale and ferret-ty. He had rippling, rock-hard, sweat glistening muscles. Not a six pack…an eight pack! Oh how the fan-girls drool.
"Tuh," Malfoy spit in that manly, hot, sexy way of his. He ran his hair through his platinum, blond, slightly long locks and smirked. He knew he was dead sexy. And his hair certainly held no reference to thoughts of him being gay. Nooo…
"You just spit on the floor!" Hermione screeched at him. Not likely he'd listen though, being the present Slytherin sex god that he is.
"Pipe down," he said in his oh so flattering voice that no one, not ever, could relate to nails screeching down the chalkboard. He was Draco. He had the Slytherin sex god legacy to fulfill; no way was he listening to a mudblood.
"Draco!" a crowd of screeching fan-girls screamed, their thumping coming down the hallway.
"They after you too?" Harry asked with his ultra tight black shirt and baggy jeans. For Harry only wore shirts that would show off his superior muscles, though he was starting to have second thoughts what with all the fan-girls about.
"How did you know?" Draco asked as the door swung open forcefully to reveal hordes and hordes of rabid, drooling, teenage and otherwise, females.
"Run!" Ron screamed as he tried to cover his scantily clad muscles because he too had worked out all summer. He was so in shape that he could do bow-flex commercials.
The girls came in drives, biting, clawing, and groping, whatever they could of the boys while Hermione shoved herself into Crookshank's basket.
And then, the door swung open again revealing the light, Mary-Sue. The insane females fled in terror of the awesome power of Mary-Sue. She was invincible. Or pretty damn close to it anyway.
The boys were saved. They gathered what little clothes that the fan-girls had left with them and scuttled to cover their bodies each blushing in turn as May-Sue's eyes were bestowed upon them.
What would they do now? Run? Turn away? Crawl into Crookshank's basket with Hermione? Ron rather liked that idea, but Mary-Sue held his heart right now and he didn't know if it would ever see the likes of cannon again.
The train pulled to a stop and Hermione finally came out of the basket. There was a roar outside the window, the cries echoing against the wind like a gull's breath and one word was uttered as they gazed upon the masses and masses of Mary-Sues.
"Shit."
TBC...
Well what do you think? Is it review worthy? Should I continue?