Sorry it took so long for me to update. I've been really sick...I go for a CAT scan this Friday to determine whether or not I have cancer in my kidneys. Sorry again. -Ettare
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter and his mottly gang. I also don't own David Thewlis, Emma Watson, Aaron Carter, or Kentucky Fried Chicken. All property rights are contributed to their rightful owners.
Chapter Two
The four Hogwarts students—in one hell of a lucky break—had made it to the Great Hall with only a few minor injuries and the majority of what was left of their scant clothes in tact…barely. It was all due to Draco's fabulous acting skills and uncanny resemblance to the past, washed-up, pop star, Aaron Carter, that they were able to escape as they were.
The Great Hall was as eye-catching in its glorious splendor as always and looked relatively the same, save the ample amount of Mary-Sues. Up at the staff table, one would notice that Remus Lupin had returned due to certain fan-girl fantasies.
Remus was positively handsome, looking nothing at all like the character David Thewlis played—he had just the right amount of peach fuzz to give him that sexy, scruffy look. His tattered robes could not hide the fact that during the last time stretch that we had seen him in cannon, his wolfish side had really come out--in a good way.
Oh and to the right of him sat super-sexy Severus Snape! He was devilishly attractive and had obviously washed his hair over the summer. His hooked nose was now an inviting beckon and his face practically screamed "kiss me!"
The hall's doors were suddenly flung open with a clang and several eleven-year-olds trounced in after a stately looking McGonagall. It was amazing in the fact that ninety percent of them were female and as they walked by, many of them blew kisses and winked at Ron, Harry, and Draco—who, in a last ditch effort to survive the masses of crazed females, had decided to sit at the Gryffindor table. House rivalry be damned!
"Bloody hell, even the first years," Ron muttered and banged his head loudly against the table as McGonagall started the sorting.
"Ron, how could you?" Hermione suddenly screeched, standing up and pointing an accusing finger at him. "You're cheating on me with…with…that!" and with that Hermione made a vague gesture to the entire female Mary-Sue population and ran out of the Hall crying hysterically. A ghost of her voice drifted back over the now silent hall that sounded along the lines of, "you ruin everything!" There was a slightly awkward silence as everyone was stunned at Hermione's emotional outburst.
"Whoa, mate, what'd you do?" Harry asked shooting him a sympathetic look and ducking a love-me charm one of the Mary-Sues just cast at him
"The hell if I know. One minute she's hinting I should ask her out, the next she's accusing me of cheating on her."
"Yeah," Harry said offhandedly dodging a love letter someone threw at his head, "but you've got to admit Emma Watson is hot."
"Who?" asked Ron incredulously.
"You know, that chick that plays Hermione. She's pretty much the total opposite of cannon Hermione. Cannon Hermione has this afro thing going on and her front teeth once resembled a beavers. –And would you all bloody stop!" Harry screamed and stood up shoving a box of enchanted chocolates out of his lap. Continuing after the entire hall was again shocked into an awkward silence he said, "Watson is just, well, hot."
"Yeah," Ron replied staring dreamily off into space obviously thinking about Emma/Hermione.
"Hey," a new voice interrupted, tapping Ron on the shoulder, "you want to hook up?" The person turned out to be one of the exchange girls and looked to be Irish with long curly red hair and freckles. Hell if she didn't fit right in with the Weasleys.
"Hear ye, hear ye," Dumbledore said tapping the side of his goblet to attain the attention of the students as the Irish girl walked to sit a little ways down from Harry and Ron at the Gryffindor table.
"I know that I do not look like Dumbledore, my hair is too frizzy, my voice is too loud, my beard is in a ponytail, my fingernails are a weapon of mass destruction and haven't been clipped since the 1940s, and I look like I'm on crack, but let me assure you. I am Albus Dumbledore. And if any of you are wondering, I'd like new beard-ponytail holders for Christmas. Thank you. Thank you." He sat down and motioned for the food to appear as if his speech actually made sense. The man was just plain queer sometimes.
"Ahem!" Minerva McGonagall coughed and elbowed Albus in the ribs.
"Oh right!" Dumbledore said jumping back up. "And Hogwarts is now part of an exchange program. Let's eat!"
Shaking his head, Draco absently traced a pattern into the Gryffindor table and spooned a helping of Kentucky Fried Chicken onto his plate. There was a loud thump as a brunette with slick waves of hair that seemed to follow gracefully in her wake fought with her fellow-etts to sit across from him. Once she reined alpha-female of the group, she sat down and immediately began rubbing her bare foot up his leg. Why the hell she was barefoot was beyond him.
"Hi!" she exclaimed cheerfully as if she hadn't just clawed her way tooth and nail for her seat.
"Eh?" Draco asked distractedly as he watched the Irish chick from earlier pounce on Ron and begin to make out with him wildly despite being in a room full of people, several professors included.
Brushing off the fact that he wasn't really paying attention, the girl continued, "I'm Mary-Sue #157, by the way, and we'll being having kinky, hot sex later in a broom closet! I hope you like bondage!"
"Eh!" Draco began to sweat nervously. He flexed his overly large, non-steroid induced leg muscles, preparing himself to run if Mary-Sue #157 made any sudden movements, and looked over to see if Harry was fairing any better.
Abruptly, the girl leaped across the table forcing Draco to flee. He sidled over the many Mary-Sues that were lounging on the ground in-between the tables attempting to look seductive and plopped into Ron's former spot, blinking rapidly. The Weasley wouldn't be getting up to reclaim his spot anytime soon from the looks of it.
"Hey, Potter?"
"Yeah?" Harry asked absentmindedly, swatting a hormone hornet away from his ear.
But before the bleach blond could continue though, the doors to the Great Hall were swung open again. "We're here!" A group of half-veelas and otherwise females trounced into the room, wearing their sexy, blue silk dress robes.
"Ah yes!" Hippy Dumbledore announced excitedly. "The Beauxbaton exchange students have finally arrived!"
"Hey, Potter?" Draco tried again dejectedly.
"Yes?"
"We're screwed."