Fire: We're back! For those of you who wanted to know how often Sand updates, it's anywhere between three to four weeks, usually the first or second Monday (if you're in the western hemisphere, ie the Americas)/Tuesday (if you're in the eastern hemisphere, ie Europe, Africa, Asia and Australia) of every month.

Baki: This is stupid. I'm leaving.

Fire: Baka-Baki! (grabs Baki) Hand us reviews from the Big Bag of Reviews!

Baki: (sighs and hands Fire a review) Here. Now I'm—

Gaara: (grabs the review from Fire and glares) Those are mine.

Fire: (runs behind Kisame) Kowai! (hugs Kisame)

Gaara: This story takes place during the timeskip. That means I still have Shukaku and I'm changing between psycho me and nice me.

Baki: (sweats) …

Kisame: Nice? You become nice?

Gaara: (glares at Kisame) …

Kisame: (grins as he grips Samehada) Try it, gaki.

Gaara: (turns away, annoyed) …

Sasuke: Where's Sand?

Fire: Sand's tired, so I'm hosting for today! (hugs Kisame tighter)

Sasuke: (turns away from Fire and Kisame) That's the most disturbing thing I've ever seen.

Gaara: (mumbling under his breath) Like you and Naruto are any better.

Sasuke: (glares at Gaara with sharingan eyes) Nani?

Gaara: (glares at Sasuke with sand swirling around him) You heard me.

Baki: (scrambles forwards with chapter 5) You don't want to see a bloodbath, so here's chapter 5.

Fire: And we've included the legend for anyone who doesn't remember what each font means.

Kisame: Let go of me! (struggles against Fire)

Fire: (squeezes Kisame tighter) …

Kisame: (squeaks and falls over) …

Fire: Baka-Baki, give them the chapter already!

Baki: (posts chapter 5 onto the window) …

0o0o0o0

Legend

story

"speech"

'thought'

"speech in thought"

flashback, letter or dream sequence

0o0o0o0 (change in time or scene)

Shukaku speaking

0o0o0o0

Disclaimer: The Big Bag of Reviews belongs to Fire and is cared for by Kakashi. Baki's just looking after it for Kakashi since he's on vacation. Don't steal the Big Bag of Reviews (ie the Bag of Reviews) because Fire won't be able to find the reviews if you do, and then I'll have to kill Kakashi and Baki for losing it. If you want to borrow the Big Bag of Reviews to store your own reviews in, please tell me so that our reviews don't get mixed up.

0o0o0o0

Warning: Out-of-control-ness is not a real word. It was created by Sand to express out-of-control as a noun. A synonym is unmanageability. Adjectives are out of control, out of hand, unmanageable, impossible, etc.

0o0o0o0

Chapter 5: Dinner Show

All the boys were already seated at the dining table. They were waiting for the girls to arrive so they could start.

"Where's Temari?" Kankuro was getting impatient. He was tired of eating bread. "I'm hungry."

"Ino's late too." Shikamaru noted. "Girls... Mendokuse."

Chouji didn't mind eating bread. He was already on his fifth basket.

"Where's Temari?" The flat voice turned every head at the table to Gaara. He was hard to ignore.

"We thought she was with you." Kankuro rested his head on his propped up arm. "We can't start without the girls." His stomach growled loudly. It sounded like a dying cat. "Let's start without them!" His patience had dried up. He wanted food.

"Baka."

Every pair of eyes in the room turned to look at the low overbearing voice. Their eyes slowly widened in shock as Temari walked into the room and sat down in her seat. She narrowed her eyes at everyone. "Why are you all staring at me?" She was confused by their looks. There wasn't anything wrong with what she was wearing, was there?

"Temari! Temari!" Ino ran into the older girl's room holding armloads of bags. "Let's dress up for dinner!" She was serious. The bags were full of fancy clothes and makeup. "It's my first time staying at the Kazekage Palace so I want to look nice."

"That's fine, but why do I have to dress up too?" Temari was rudely awakened by Ino's shrill cry. Kankuro really tired her out with his idiocy and Gaara...with his out-of-control-ness. She had to organize the ANBU to clean up his decimated room.

And, she still had the two troublesome scrolls to deal with. The contents were too contradictory.

"Doushite...?" Ino's high-pitched voice grated at Temari's nerves. "I want to see the boy's expressions at the sight of two beautiful ladies. It would be great to see if we could get a reaction out of them." Ino's plot was evil and suicidal.

'A reaction out of Kankuro wouldn't be hard...but, a reaction out of Gaara would be a challenge and definitely something to see,' Temari mused over Ino's proposal as she opened one of the bags to see what kind of clothes there were.

'Yosh! My plan is working out perfectly!' Ino had to suppress the urge to burst into excited high-pitched squeals. 'I bet Shika wouldn't know what hit him even if it came straight for him.' Lightning flashed through dark night skies within her mind as she was cackling at the thought.

Temari didn't let Ino put any makeup on her face. It was too much work just to look nice for dinner.

"At least put on a little..." Ino's persistence and annoying whining made the older girl cave in.

There wasn't too much makeup on Temari's face, but it was enough to make the boys stare.

Temari wore a knee-length azure-blue kimono with a white floral pattern and her hair wasn't spiky or parted into four ponytails—her usual look. A neat bun gathered her hair at the back of her head, leaving only wisps at the sides of her face to accentuate her eyes. There was a jewel-encrusted silver comb pinning the bun in place.

'Temari's wearing makeup...and she looks like a girl!' Kankuro had to remind himself that his overbearing and boyish sister was indeed a girl. He almost didn't realize how much Temari looked like their mother.

"..." Gaara didn't care what Temari dressed like. As long as his sister was happy, he didn't even care if she wore the Kazekage cloak and hat to the dining table. He would even let her wear it for the entire day.

Chouji was staring, food dropping out of his mouth at the stunning sight of Temari. 'Shikamaru's one lucky man.' He never really noticed how beautiful Temari was until now.

Shikamaru...he stared for a while then blew it off. 'I don't know why girls bother with such pointless things.' He didn't want to admit that she looked nice.

"Where's Ino?" Shikamaru was getting restless from lack of food. The girls had done something troublesome to stall the food and his female teammate was still missing.

At the sound of her name, the long, blond-haired girl walked in.

"I'm here!"

And almost everyone at the table fell out of their chairs.

0o0o0o0

Gaara was the only one still sitting in his seat, his eyes closed. 'Why did this annoying girl come?' He was trying to suppress Shukaku's urge to rip the konoha-kunoichi to shreds.

Shikamaru and Chouji slowly and weakly climbed back into their seats. 'That's the most horrifying sight I've ever seen.' Both of them were trying to subdue the urge to gouge their eyes out. They never wanted to see their teammate looking like that!

Ino walked to her seat next to Kankuro. She certainly wasn't going to sit next to Chouji when he was eating. She could lose a limb in his mouth and not even know it.

The seating was arranged as followed: Gaara was at the head. Kankuro sat at his left, Temari at his right. Shikamaru was next to Temari, Chouji was next Shikamaru and lastly, Ino was next to Kankuro.

'Why do I have to sit next to the witch?' Kankuro's eyebrow twitched with irritation. He wouldn't mind switching seats with anyone as long as that person wasn't already sitting next to that girl.

'Isn't that a little too much makeup, Ino?' Temari shook her head in dismay. 'And, isn't that outfit a little over the top?' The clothes Ino wore weren't the clothes that Temari last remembered Ino wearing before she left the girl alone in her room. 'What in the world is this girl thinking?' She knew there was a catch behind dressing up. She just didn't know what it was.

Ino was wearing a dark violet mid-lower thigh length kimono with a white floral pattern. The neckline was loosened and her hair was done similar to Temari's, but with a higher bun and with more glittery and shiny accessories holding it up. Her makeup...was exactly as Kankuro had put it.

She did look like a witch with all of the lipstick, blush, eyeliner, mascara, eye shadow, and glitter around the corners of her eyes.

Where did she get all of this stuff? No one would ever know.

"Everyone's here. Let's eat." Baki-sensei was another unfortunate shinobi who had to sit next to Ino. He had arrived shortly after Ino and had already reacted to the sight of her down the hall before arriving a few minutes later. At first, he thought Shukaku had escaped from Gaara, had run around the Kazekage Palace a few times and then had gotten into Temari's makeup and clothes. He was so relieved when he realized that it wasn't Shukaku.

'Good thing I wasn't carrying my shuriken pouch. I would've killed her.' He almost jumped out the third floor window after taking one look at Ino.

0o0o0o0

Dinner flew by quickly with a few glares exchanged by Gaara to Shikamaru and vice versa, and awkward encrypted suggestions from Ino to Shikamaru but he didn't understand what she was trying to tell him.

'Baka Shikamaru! He's really like a deer!' She wanted him to take Temari for a night walk alone or at least leave.

She also gave Gaara strange looks all evening.

'Does she have something in her eyes?' Gaara didn't pick up on whatever Ino was trying to say. It just looked like she was trying to get rid of something in her eyes.

Ino was trying to bat her eyelashes. 'Ah... Are all boys so dense?' All her attempts only drew the attention of the person next to her.

"Do you have something in your eyes?" Kankuro wasn't concerned. He just didn't want to sit next to someone who fidgeted a lot.

'Ah... I don't want THIS guy... I'm going for the big one!' She ignored Kankuro. She didn't need his help...even though some of the mascara got into her eyes from all of her eyelash batting. 'Itai...maybe I overdid it a little.'

"C'mon. Some of your makeup got into your eyes." Temari helped Ino out of her seat much to the girl's dismay. The girls left shortly after the desserts were served.

'Don't use up the entire bottle of mascara on your eyelashes next time,' Temari inwardly sighed. She didn't want to hear Ino's complaints later on. 'But, I think all of her hard work caught Kankuro's eyes.' Temari shivered convulsively at the thought of Ino and Kankuro becoming a couple. 'Gaara's too smart to fall for Ino's tricks.' At least Temari was relieved about that.

0o0o0o0

Kankuro was in his room. He never really noticed how pretty Ino was. 'Was that girl flirting with me?' He wasn't as dumb as most people thought he was. He was supposed to be the Godaime Kazekage after his father, but he gave the position to Gaara. Besides, he really wanted it, and he was afraid Gaara might kill him at the time. 'She kept turning towards me and giggling or batting her lashes.' He thought that all the signals being sent by Ino were for him.

Man...was he wrong!

'I knew I was handsome...but...' Kankuro was pacing back and forth in his room, wondering what to do with a pretty, but annoying girl.

His feet stopped, a look of resolution on his face.

'I got it!' He sped out of his room and down the hall to a certain brown-haired shinobi's room.

0o0o0o0

Gaara was trying to get settled in his newly reformed room. Some the furniture were different and some of the items were different too, but he didn't really care. As long as it was comfortable, he didn't care if there were no furniture and nothing in his room but a bed and bare walls.

'Baka Shukaku, stop destroying my room.'

Urusai, gaki! I want blood, and you're not feeding me!

'I already fed you.'

No, you didn't!

'I remember killing three people.'

You fed KASAN, not me!

'I'll feed you later.'

Gaara opened his eyes and stared at the chiming clock. 'Midnight.' It would be difficult to find someone to kill at this hour.

But, his sand sensed the presence of warm blood outside his door, swerving and whirling in impatience, ready to kill whoever was behind the door.

But, the sand only opened the door to reveal a nervous Temari.

"G-Gaara! I thought you were working." She was worried. She knew that the stress of being a jinchuuriki and the Kazekage was probably straining his mind and body. "Ahhahaha... Ino's so funny. I think she likes you. Ahheheheh..." She didn't know what to say.

Gaara's expression didn't change much. Only his eyes widened a little. 'I'm going to have to avoid that girl.' He didn't want to add an annoying pest to his long list of problems.

"Um... I don't think she would make a good wife for you." Temari gave Gaara a smile. "Most likely, she would just go off and get into some sort of trouble. And, it wouldn't be a good idea to tell her about him."

"Why are you here, Temari?" Gaara was getting tired of having people telling him to get a wife. He was only fourteen and a half! He was too young to get married.

"I want to talk to you about those two scrolls." Temari took out the two scrolls behind her back. She only had a brief chance to glance through them. And, she only looked through the cons side too.

'I hope he didn't bring Shikamaru here to kill him. That was what it said inside the scroll. He could kill him anytime he wanted!'

She was supposed to read the scrolls together. The pros with the cons.

Gaara inwardly sighed. 'I hope she didn't misunderstand what I wrote.'

"You didn't invite Shikamaru here so you could kill him, did you?"

And, Gaara's eyes widened and he inwardly sighed again. Why did everyone think he was going to kill them?

0o0o0o0

Shikamaru walked down the corridor towards the Kazekage's room. He still needed to meet with the psycho that invited him.

'I hope he didn't invite me so he can kill me.' He would go straight home immediately if it was.

"You didn't invite Shikamaru here so you could kill him, did you?"

Shikamaru's eyes widened. 'That's Temari's voice! But, what's this about someone killing me?' He reached into the kunai pouch around his leg and pulled out a kunai for defense.

"No."

'Why are they talking about killing me?' Shikamaru would like to know what they were talking about before he arrived. He was only kidding about someone killing him!

"If that's not why you invited him here, then what is it?" Temari extended the scrolls back to Gaara. "You seem to keep repeating the fact that you can kill him and his friends anytime you want and that he's useless." Her eyes and voice were both very cold. She didn't know that her brother was still like this.

"..." Gaara turned his head towards the door and raised his hand, sending sand through the door to wrap around Shikamaru. It dragged him inside and dropped him in front of Temari. Shikamaru lay in front of Temari spitting sand from his mouth.

"Were you eavesdropping?" Temari's hands ground into tight fists at her sides.

"Che! Why would I be eavesdropping? I came to meet with him to find out why he wanted me to cross a desert to meet him." He held up the invitation letter. "All that it said was that he wanted to meet me. There weren't any details."

Temari took the letter.

I want to meet you. Come as soon as possible.

Godaime Kazekage

'This is a letter?' Temari should have known that Gaara wouldn't waste a formal letter on Shikamaru.

"Did you read the other scroll?" Gaara just wanted to know if Temari read the other scroll. He knew that she probably didn't because if she did, she wouldn't be here convicting him to not kill the Konoha-nin.

"I don't want to know what else you wrote. It's probably worse than the blue scroll." The cons scroll was blue and the pros scroll was red. She had only read the blue scroll.

Gaara opened the red scroll and opened it up to the very end. He held it up for her to see.

And, both Temari and Shikamaru's eyes went wide. 'He's got to be kidding.' They both wanted to vomit right then and there, but wouldn't dare to do it since it was Gaara's room.

Pro: Temari-neechan really likes this boy.

Pro: He likes her as well.

Then, Gaara opened up the blue scroll to the very end.

And, Temari and Shikamaru's expressions had gotten worse. They both ran out of the room sick of what Gaara was thinking.

Con: He won't confess this.

Con: Neither will she.

"I'm not trusting Kankuro to carry on the Sabaku name." Gaara was serious. He wasn't going to let this opportunity slip by. He really didn't want to have children. Even the thought was disgusting.

'I'm not going to find a wife. I'm only fourteen.' Fourteen and a half...but, who was really counting?

End Chapter 5

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Humourous bickering for those who want to read it; otherwise close the window:

Sasuke: Good. Sand's not here today. No swirlies.

Gaara: (sends sand forwards, grabs Sasuke by the legs and pulls him into the bathroom) …

Sasuke: Waah!

Kisame: (looks at Fire) Aren't you going to stop him?

Fire: (smiling while hugging Kisame) Stop whom?

Kisame: Gaara.

Fire: You're finally accepting that I'm hugging you!

Kisame: (yelling) I'm not!

Fire: I have no chakra, so you can't use Samehada on me. (smiles)

Sand: (walks in, rubbing eyes) You're loud.

Fire: Sand's back!

Kisame: Make Fire let go of me!

Sand: (stares at Kisame) Why?

Fire: (frowns annoyedly, squeezes Kisame tighter) …

Kisame: (squeaks and falls over) …

repetitive flushing from the bathroom

Fire: Gaara has diarrhea.

Sand: (worried) I'll bring him some medicine. (pulls out a bottle of stomach medicine and a spoon from pockets and walks to the bathroom) Gaara! I brought you some—

Sasuke: Help me! (splutters) Baka!

Sand: (annoyed) What did you say? (stuffs medicine and spoon back into pockets, grabs Sasuke from Gaara's sand and dunks Sasuke's head deep into the toilet for a long time)

Sasuke: Blub.

Fire: (grabs Sasuke back) Sasuke! Don't drown!

Kisame: I'm fr—

Fire: (grabs onto Kisame with one arm) …

Kisame: (wants to cry) Kuso…

Sand: I wasn't done yet.

Baki: Review. I'm just going to say it now. Send us a review and tell us if you want Sand and Gaara to continue giving Sasuke swirlies or not.

Sasuke: Of course not!

Sand: You don't have a say in this.

Sasuke: No!

Fire: Just send us some flames to annoy Sand. Or constructive criticism, lots of constructive criticism! Tell us if you hate it, like it, if you're confused about the plot, what in the world is happening? Waah! (hugs Kisame tighter while squeezing Sasuke's arm with a hand)

Kisame: (unenthusiastic) Yokata. Now I have a mental breakdown hugging me. (stands in silence for a moment with Fire yelling in his ear) We're leaving. (shunshins away with Fire and Sasuke)

Sand: (turns to audience seriously) I'm not going to stop the swirlies on Sasuke whether the flames, reviews or whatever comes my way tells me to or not. Gaara will do the swirlies when I'm not here. Well, ja! (dissolves into literal sand and slithers to find Sasuke)