Part 16
LOCATION: PIMP ASS XAVIER'S MANSION OF NEKKID MEN
All the X-men gathered into a little room that I'm going to call the Orgy Room, I mean Map Room. Jenny and Kelly stood behind Logan, watching his ass intently. Gaylops pushed a button and hard-core gay porn played on all the monitors in the room.
"Oh yeah! Hit it home daddy!"
"Oh oh oh oh YEAH!"
"Um.you probably should ignore that," he said, trying to click the porno off. "Sorry, I swear that this isn't mine."
Logan shook his head knowingly. "Sure it isn't, you flaming homo."
"Ewwww!!" shrieked Jenny, "What are they doing to that other man??"
Logan covered her young eyes with his hand.
"You don't want to know." was all he said, averting his gaze to the floor.
Finally, halfway through the tape, Gaylops managed to turn it off.
He pushed a different button, one that wasn't marked "Push for porn".
The table in the room was suddenly covered with a detailed 3D map of the New York City area.
"All righty then," explained Gaylops, "We can swing the jet past the 7-11 and pick up some icees, then it's off to Male Heaven for a few lap dances. After that we can dress in drag and pick up some transvestites at the corner."
As he said the names of the places he pointed them out on the map. Logan listened to the plan and then looked down at the Gayfreak.
"I don't think so." Logan said, "When do we get to saving Rogue? You're evening seems pretty much planned out tonight."
"I was getting to that," said Eyeball with attitude, "Ahhh, you can just be such a bitch sometimes." He gestured with his hands gayly and his voice got real feminine.
"Proceed Mighty One eye," said Logan, bowing to him.
"Where was I.oh yeah, corner," said Gayster, "AFTER, the corner, we can come around the bank just off of Manhattan." His hand pointed to the Statue of Gayberty. "We land on the far side of Liberty Island. Here."
"So what about radar?" asked Logan.
Half-a-Dick glanced up and grinned, showing the world his yellow, rotten, horse-like teeth. "If theys has anything that cin pick oop our flying gizmo, them deserves ta catcher us."
"It's called a toothbrush," said Kelly, "Check into it." She whipped a 99- cent toothbrush at his fo'head. Then Jenny shot a tube of toothpaste.
"To the jet!" yelled Jenny, pointing boldly to Logan's groin, "To manhoodity, and beyond! Up up and splooooooooge!"
They all headed out to the shagadelic polka-dotted X-Jet.
LOCATION: WHAT'S IT TO YOU?
Everyone boarded the X-Jet, fighting over the few seats inside. Uni-eye grabbed the pilot's seat and next to him sat one of those hopping monkey guys from The Wizard of Oz. Oh wait, that was Jean. Storm, all bloated and fat from the Bucket o' Bastard that she devoured, lay on the floor. Her fat was bulging out of her suit, and so was her ass. Logan sat down quickly, only to be tackled by Jenny and Kelly. They fought over possession of his lap.
"I wanna sit here!" cried Kelly, trying to conquer more lap territory.
"Oh no! I would prefer to sit here. Logan likes me better anyways!" retorted Jenny, grasping both of Logan's thighs.
"Ladies," said the weary Logan, "No one is sitting on me. Now stop fooling around! I've had enough of this fighting over me shit. You two are worse than men!"
Jenny and Kelly stared at him, very much offended.
Jenny released his thighs, but not before squeezing them one last time.
"Fine then," said Kelly, turning her back on Logan. She made her way to the far end of the jet. Then she huffily sat down. Jenny looked at Kelly, then at Logan, then back at Kelly. She decided to go and chill with her buddy, the one and only Kellsticles.
"Thank you!" said Logan, his voice slightly cracking, "Finally I get to get some peace and quiet!" He leaned back and closed his eyes. Every once and awhile he'd open one eye to see what his loyal admirers were up to.
"BING BING." binged the jet's female computer voice, "Lift off will be in one hour due to tampons clogging the thrusters. Thank you Jean, you no good donkey spanking bitch."
Jenny and Kelly groaned in the corner. Now they had to sit around and do nothing. How boring.
"Everyone," announced Nipple-Eye, "I'm going to try and fix the jet really quick. I'll be back as soon as I can. Meanwhile, make yourselves at home." He started for the exit and then turned around and looked directly at Jenny and Kelly. "You two be good or else you can't go!"
"Go fuck yourself," laughed Kelly.
"Cunt eye!"
"Pickle smoking gay man!"
"Rectum-headed bitchwad!"
"Asshair braider!"
"Pork-bellied barforific crud infested fart sniffing vomitrocious hog- humping piss head!"
"Halitosis-infested, unspeakably offensive fuck stick!"
"Um..anus licking, moronic monkey mangling, mammy ramming, man banger!"
"Public manure heap!"
"Peck sniffin', turkey shit gobbling, dickheaded, 10/10 vision havin', shrunken testicle grabbin', basrat!"
"Fut! Fut on thee!"
Clopface gave them a dirty look and then left.
"What a horse's ass!" remarked Jenny, "He really went to fish for a penis."
"He couldn't catch one if he tried." said Kelly.
Logan kept glancing over at the chatting girls. He felt left out. He cleared his throat loudly. "Ahem.." They ignored it. "I said..AHEM!" They still acted like they didn't hear it. He crossed and uncrossed his legs angrily. Then he started to shift moodily in his seat. He looked over at them again. They were totally immersed in their little conversation. Kelly whispered something to Jenny and then the two started to giggle.
Logan started to move closer and closer to the girls. He was determined to get their attention.
Jenny looked up and saw Logan trying to be sneaky. He sat down next to Jenny and looked around the room like nothing was happening. Jenny looked at him strangely, shrugged her shoulders, and turned back to talk with Kelly.
"What's he doing?" whispered Kelly.
"I think he got lonely," said Jenny. Logan picked up Jenny's hand and placed it on his thigh. Then he looked her straight in the eye and gave her the sexiest look he could give. He even used the smirk and eyebrow artillery!
Jenny stared at him, totally unfazed. She picked her hand up and turned around to face Kelly again. Logan was amazed that she of all people could withstand his look of love. Kelly poked Jenny and Jenny fell over, stiff as a board.
"You killed her Logan!!" screamed Kelly, her hands on her face. She suddenly became serious.
"Good going. Now how's about you, me, and your bed makes three?"
"How 'bout no?" he replied, still looking at the fainted Jenny. He nudged her with his foot. "Is she gonna be ok?"
"Well now, I don't know," said Kelly, booting Jenny a few times in the head, "You know what? This is all your fault."
"How is this my fault?" asked Logan angrily, popping his claws. Kelly started to look dazed also. Logan poked her and she also fell down, stiff as a board.
"Oh jeeeeeeeeeeeeeessuuus!!"
Gayman walked over to Logan and looked down at the unconscious girls. He wiped his hands off on a rag and patted Logan's back. "Jet's all fixed Don Juan," he laughed, "I hope you stabbed them or something."
"Kiss my ass, dickface," said Jenny, rubbing her head and getting to her feet. "Who the ass kicked me in the goddamn head?!"
Logan pointed to Kelly.
"That whore!" yelled Jenny, booting Kelly in the ass. Kelly moaned and started to stir.
"Logan, Christ, you don't have to be so rough with my ass you know," she said, getting up. She saw that everyone looking at her oddly. "Errr.I mean, you don't have to.nevermind."
"Ok, the tampons have been cleared," said Gayman, looking at Jean all crazy, "I didn't know that jets get periods but I guess anything can happen nowadays."
Jean put her head down. "I have a problem," she whined.
"Yeah," laughed Jenny, "You look like a dog, you smell like a dog, and I'm pretty sure that you are a dog. You should get that checked out woofie."
"I'm obsessed with feminine products!" she continued, pulling like 30 boxes of Kotex from her purse.
"Why??" asked Kelly, "Let me spell this shit out for ya. Y-O-U H-A-V-E A P- E-N-I-S!"
"And what a penis!" said Gaylops, lookin' proud.
Jean smiled. "Well, you do take care of it Scotty Baby."
"This is just getting sick," groaned Logan, "The last thing that I want to know is how Gayman over here takes care of Jean's Captain Winky."
"Ditto," said Jenny, looking disgusted.
"Everyone get in their seats!" yelled Captain Eye, "4 minutes to lift off!"
"This ain't a freakin' spaceship, ass," said Kelly.
Logan sat down in his seat. The two girls came over to him and looked at him. Then Jenny lunged.
"Left thigh is mine!" she screeched, jumping on Logan's lap. Kelly took the other thigh.
"I own his ass," said Kelly, "I'm just letting you borrow his left thigh because there is no where else to sit." She squeezed his leg. "Mine."
"No way!" insisted Jenny, "Loganie let ME touch his leg, not you! Right Logan?" She batted her eyes sweetly.
"I..um.."
"Logan," purred Kelly, "Tell this messed up beeeeyatch that you're mine and only mine." Kelly stroked his chops.
"Git offa me!" Logan pushed the two girls from him.
"Fine," said Jenny huffily, "I'll sit on the goddamn floor." She sat on the floor Indian style. Kelly sat down next to her.
"Ahhhhhhh," sighed Logan, stretching, "All this room and no women to take up my space. This is my idea of heaven."
Jenny looked up at him with longing in her eyes.
"It's best to not look," said Kelly, turning Jenny's head away from the hunk of man behind her. Kelly started to stare at Logan.
"Hey whore!" yelled Jenny, "You said I couldn't look but here you are drooling away!"
"I'm privileged," replied Kelly, " When You and I first agreed to make this kick azz story you said I had the right to fondle and stare at Logan any damn time I wanted."
"I never said that!!"
"Yes you did!" Kelly busted out with a contract. It said:
"I hereby proclaim that Kelly has the right to molest the Logan whenever she pleases. She also has the right to bear his children and the right to touch the holy manhood. Logan is the sole property of Kelly. Jenny owns no part of his body and cannot ever ever ever fondle or stare at will. If she breaks this contract may she be stoned like the pig lovin' wench she is. ~Kelly Stickles
"Hey! I never wrote that!" Jenny looked closely at the supposed contract with a magnifying glass. "Why would I sign your name?"
Kelly was busy brushing Logan's hair. "You have beautiful hair darling," she said, "You know what you need?"
"What?"
"You need a vacation from Jenny. She can be quite abusive sometimes. You also need to rest up for our wedding night. Got to conserve that stamina!!" Kelly put a few little barrettes in his hair.
"Oh, and you're not abusive, eh?" Jenny stood behind Kelly, arms folded over her chest and foot tapping, "And what's all this wedding shit about? You plotting behind your future wife's back Logan??" She grabbed his ear and gave it a tug.
Logan looked down, "No Miss Jenny."
"Too late for that now!" Jenny pointed to a corner, "Go over there and think about what you've done!"
Logan got up and stamped over to the corner, "You are so mean!!"
"I'm just doing what's best for you," said Jenny in a motherly tone, "It's all because I love you."
"I know," he whined, facing the wall.
"Good boy."
"Wow Jenny," said Kelly in awe, "That's impressive! You have him trained so well!"
"It won't last though," said Jenny, "Watch. 5..4..3..2..1.now."
"Hey! What in the name of Bald Xavier's am I doing?" Logan whirled around, "You! I am not an animal for you to train. If you wanna play dog trainer, go look for Jean!"
"Woof! I mean.you called?" Jean showed up crawling on the ground, a collar around her neck.
"She'd enjoy that shit Logan!" said Jenny, "C'mon! If you give me a massage I'll give you some Kibbles and Bits and Cheesy Chunks."
"Um..no."
"How does some Snausages sound?"
"I said NO!"
"A milk bone? Rawhide? Beggin' Strips? Alpo?"
"How's about I give you and Kelly a Logan Brand Mohawk?" Logan popped his claws again.
"Sure. Kelly could use a shave," laughed Jenny, "Talk about wookie!"
"Don't get me started on wookies you homeless burger pusher!"
"Ass sniffin' transvestite Ronald McDonald licker!"
"Garbage pickin' 2000 lb obese waddle jiggler!"
"Kiss my ass you twelve nippled circus midget!"
"Midget? Listen here Amazon dykemonger. There's nothing midget-like about you. They should call you Jolly Green Jenny or some shit. Lookin' like She- Hulk on acid!"
"She-Hulk is hot!" yelled Logan for some strange reason.
The feuding girls ignored him.
"I'm taking yo' ass to court for being able to walk around free among civilized people!"
"What are you saying Jenny??"
"I mean, I didn't know they let rabid gorillas out of their cages! I'm looking at the queen mother of them all too. Mighty Joe Young lookin' arms dragging on the ground Encino Woman! Someone needs to pump your hairy ass full of tranquilizers and take you back to Gilligan's Island!"
"Oh hell naw!" said Kelly, "Now it's on!"
The scene changes to a courtroom. Music starts to play. "Da da da...da da da."
Jenny walks down the aisle and stands in front of her table. She opens up a suitcase and pulls some documents out.
"The plaintiff: 19 year old Jenny, a beautiful super model who can't even trust one of her best friends with her main man, Logan. She's suing for unlawful fondling of a wolverine and being called Jolly Green Jenny."
Kelly walks down the aisle next. She runs straight for Jenny and begins pulling her hair. An officer pulls her away and puts her in front of her table. Jenny sticks her tongue out at Kelly and the audience goes, "Oooooooh!"
"The defendant: 304 year old Kelly Stickles, a crazy cat lovin' lady that enjoys sitting on her porch in her favorite rocking chair babbling incoherently. She's counter suing for being called a hairy feces-chucking primate and for total ownership of Logan. Oooops, someone has been playing with my cards!!"
Jenny winks and then grins fiendishly. "Ayyyyyyyyyy!" She gives the audience a thumbs up like the Fonz.
"Ahem, anyways, the cases are real, the people are real, and the rulings are final. This is her courtroom.Judge Judy!"
"Woo hoo!" yelled Jenny, pumping her fist, "You going down Kelly!"
"We'll see about that," replied Kelly, flipping Jenny a friendly bird, "Judge Judy is a fair woman!"
"Both of you shut the hell up or else my shoe will find it's way up your ass!" screeched Judge Judy, "Well, you two look like intelligent ladies. NOT! Let's hear your side of the story Andre the Giant."
Jenny looked at her all crazy, "Me?"
"No, the other 12 foot woman behind you," said Judy, "Of course you!"
"Um.yeah," started Jenny, "First of all I'd like to say that you look quite lovely today your honor."
"Don't give me that bullshit madam. Get to the story."
"Ok, Miss Apeshit over there keeps trying to take my man, Mr. Logan. She also slandered my good name repeatedly." Jenny dug into her briefcase and pulled out a rotten banana. "I found this shoved into my shoe one day. She admitted to doing it."
Judge Judy looked over to Kelly, "Did you do that?"
"Well I.."
"I asked you a simple question madam. I'm sorry if I can't get further down to your level of intelligence. Did you do that or not?"
"Yeah." " That was very vindictive of you. Vindictive and mean. You're not a very nice person."
"But I can."
"Did you just interrupt me?"
Kelly shook her head vigorously.
"If you ever do that again, you'll be out of this courtroom on your ass. Don't piss me off. I can smell a lie a mile away."
"Yes your honor. I did it," admitted Kelly, putting her head down.
"Continue Miss Giraffe." Judge Judy looked back to Jenny.
"As I was saying, she keeps trying to take my man, Logan. Kelly knows that Logan belongs to me and only me. She calls him in the middle of the night when we're busy making babies and she stalks him constantly."
"Objection your honor!" Logan stood up. "Jenny and I are not together. Kelly and I are not together. In fact we will never be together."
"Is that so? Stand up here Sir." Judy waved him up.
Logan made his way up to the judge's desk. "Are you telling me that you are currently not involved with either one of these girls?"
"That's what I'm saying. I'd rather hump a cactus then have any kind of sexual relations with these two," Logan explained.
"But I made you sploooooooge Logan!" cried Jenny.
"Hey hey hey! It was a combined effort," added Kelly.
Logan groaned, "Why didja have to bring that up again?"
"Is what they're saying true Sir? Did you somehow lose control of your bodily functions and as they say "splooge" everywhere?"
"Not everywhere your honor!" said Logan, "Only on my pants!"
"So you did. You sick man," Judge Judy said, "You took advantage of two very young girls. What have you to say for yourself?"
"They pumped me full of date rape pills though!!"
"All of you get out of my courtroom! OUT!" Judy motioned for the bailiff to beat some ass, "Pile of sickos. Who's next?"
"Yo mama Judge Hoebeast!" yelled Kelly, "Kiss my ass you grizzled granny!" Kelly hurled a random audience member at the judge. Judy caught the poor person and chomped them into a bloody pulp.
"Eep!"
"Run for it Kelly!" cried Jenny, getting her ass out of the room.
ANYWAYS, BACK ON THE JET
"Bing bing," binged the binger, "Jean's corroded tampons have finally been removed from the jet's thrusters, however, something else was found down there. It appears to be a rather large bowling ball shaped object."
"Hey," said Kelly, looking up, "Where's Jenny?"
"Yeah," said Logan, "I haven't seen her since the two of you disappeared off to random court."
"Who cares," said The Gayest Man Known To Exist, blinking his large mono- eye, "I hope she's rotting in a ditch somewhere."
Kelly chucked a piece of Jean's charred wig at Gayman 5021 with all her might. It landed lightly on his head and started to chew the fuckle out of his foogle.
"What the hell?!" yelled Logan, watching the tribble from hell eat Loin- eye's visor.
Shaft-eye ran around the jet screaming at the top of his eye. "AAAAAHHHHHHH!!! HELP ME!! IT'S EEEEEEAAAATING MY VIIIIIIISOOOOOR!"
"My hair!" screamed Bald Woofer, following Dinger-eye and trying to reclaim what was left of her matted, dirty, tangled, shit stained, mop of a wig.
Butt-cheek head wheeled around the corner at that moment. "What the figgle foogle mcassass is going on here? I'm in a coma for 5 minutes and you guys fickle everything up."
"Why the hell are you talking like that?" asked Kelly, with a "what the fuck" look on her face.
"Yeah, what's with the 'foogle' and the 'figgle' and especially the 'mcassass'?" said Logan.
Peenage-with-Wheelage whipped out his shriveled Ball-park. "Yoo hooo, my spent penis ring a bell, hello? Remember, toaster, mustard, ketchup, side of relish, me curled up in the fetal position with my wang smoking more than a chimney?"
"Oh yeah. You are a sick, sad little man. Did I mention bald? Or how about manhoodless? Or vertically challenged? Or---"
Baldman McGee interrupted Jenny. "That's enough of that."
"Kiss my aaasssss," said Kelly, bending over and pointing at her bum, "You little shit."
"I will not stand around here and be insulted by a little insolent ragamuffin like you," replied Mr. McBald.
"Ahem.stand? Mutha fuckah! Have you looked at yourself lately? You're in a goddamn wheelchair! That ain't no shopping cart mofo and this ain't no Pick n' Save bitch," yelled Jenny, shoving Turtle from his chair onto the jet's floor.
"Hey, stop it! He's a gimp for Lieutenant Dan's sake!" screamed Cloppy, a tear streaking his one eyed face.
"Lieutenant Dan!!!! He's a cripple," explained Kelly, "You're gonna offend him if you call him a shrimpy numbified-ass gimp."
But the Profbaldy wasn't listening.wasn't seeing.wasn't conscious.and he sure as all hell wasn't kicking, cuz he can't. He was knocked the fuckle outta his fickle.
"You..killed..him!!" cried McEye, who was in the process of shaking the Baldman like an English nanny, "I'll never ever ever forgive you! Never in a million trillion gazillion years! Not even if you kill Jean! Never!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"How old are you?" asked Kelly, watching Cloppy MacLoppy beat the Asscheek into a bruised orange shaped orange.
"It smells like hotdog juice," said Jean, her nose sniffin' at the speed of tramp. She clamped her suctionized mouth onto World Globe's head and sucked Australia off of him, much to Logan's dismay.
"When are we gonna get on with this damn story already?" asked Logan, arms crossed and toe a-tappin', "I mean, talk about stretching a 2 hour movie out!"
Kelly gave Logan the infamous "niggaplease" look. "Hey. It's our damn story, we can make it as long as we want, Claw-Man."
Logan unleashed the fury known as the adamantium claws. "Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarr!" he shouted, waving his arms.
"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeahhhh. No thanks," said Jenny.
"What was all that shit about? I never thought I'd say this, but that was incredibly un-sexy!" said Kelly.
"Woof woof!" woofed Jean the Woofer, who was trained in the Art of Woofing. She also is the proud owner of a Woofing degree in Woofing and the Sluttiest Dog in the Kennel award, brought to you by Kibbles n' Bits n' Cheesy Chunks.
"When the fuck did this turn into a damned commercial?" belched Storm from the vicinity of the floor. She was breathing quite heavily, and bursting out of her un-reinforced uniform. A button hit Mr. Potato Head-with- missing-pieces-namely-eye in the, well, eye.
Jenny and Kelly suddenly busted out with some top hats and canes.
"Jeepers creepers, where'd you get that PEEPER!" they sang in unison, accompanied by occasional high-kicks.
"Don't you mean 'peepers'?" asked Jean.
"Listen here Woof, we don't make mistakes," said Jenny, lookin' more pimp than ever.
Kelly put in her two cents and tossed a generic version of Milkbone. She didn't deserve that kind of quality. Scott was curled up in the corner, crying his eye out.
"Okay, c'mon now, can we get off the goddamn ground?" Logan asked, his eyebrow rose dramatically into the air, touching the ceiling and struggling to get free. The eyebrow, which we will refer to as "Dave", pulled out a chainsaw from its hairy depths and started to saw the shit out of the jet's ceiling. It wasn't getting anywhere, so it grew arms and started to bang futilely on the jet, sobbing its hair out. It suddenly disappeared and then reappeared back on Logan's sexy face. (we apologize for this nonsense. It was brought on by a streak of boredom and crack smoking. Now back to your regularly scheduled crap)
"Um..yeah," said Jenny, for once in her 19 years of existence at a loss of words, "That was just, strange. Who the hell is writing this story anyways? Two immature teens or something?"
"Hey bitch, stay in part!" yelled a disembodied voice, "And zip your fly up for God's sake.I swear, you can't find good actresses these days."
Jenny looked around, totally mystified. "Who are you?"
"I'm one of the authors of this story," explained the voice with attitude, "And you better not forget that shit you ungrateful wench, or else I'll add an extra head onto that bowling ball you already have."
"Are you the one that did that to Logan's eyebrow?" asked Kelly, "And why do you sound so much like me?"
"I am you, dippy," laughed Author Kelly, "Get to working or else I'll make Jean have sex with Logan!"
"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!" screamed Jenny, falling on her hands and knees, "Please don't!"
"We'll be good o' mighty Authors!!" said Kelly, bowing, "Please continue to make this story full of raunchy humor and bald jokes."
"We will," said the voice, "Well, gotta go. I'm meeting Hugh Jackman for dinner with Jenny. Ta ta asses. Mwhahahahaha!!!"
Everyone in the jet was all quiet and shit.that is until nature called for Jean.
"FFFFFTTTT!!"
Suddenly the airtight enclosure was filled with green clouds of fumes. Everyone in the jet ran around in total confusion and lack of clean, breathable air. Ass was filling their every pore. Jean continued her never ceasing pootable orchestra of poot, pooting all the waaaaaaaaaaaaay home.
"Someone cork her ass up!" yelled Logan, "It smells like someone broke loose and rubbed old dog's ass on the walls then turned up the heat!"
"Hell no!" yelled Jenny, talking funny because she was pinching her nose with her fingers, "It smells like a damn Port o' Let that's never once been emptied out!"
"Almost, but I believe that the proper odor is twelve pieces of gooey dog shit on top of four pieces of soggy cat shit on top of forty specs of bird shit then shit on by an obese woman that's consumed nothing but meat for a whole year then shit on by a goddamn old sick elephant plagued by diarrhea!" yelled Kelly waving her hands around to fight the odor of ass with all she had.
"Yeah! That's it!" agreed everyone on the jet. Even the unconscious Coconut smelt that shit in his coma. Here's his story..
"I can walk again!" laughed the Professor, who was now in possession of a full head of hair and working legs. He skipped freely through a field of flowers, breathing in the fresh clean air.
*Is this really happening?* The Professor sat on the comfy grass on the ground and leaned back, relaxing. *I've never felt so at peace and bald joke free.*
He closed his eyes and listened to the birds singing in the trees. Suddenly it all became silent, not even the sound of the wind rustling the tree branches present. The Professor heard another sound though.
"FFFFTTTTT...."
"What on Earth...." the Professor said aloud, watching a green cloud slowly make its way towards him, "What's that?"
The cloud totally enveloped him and he made the biggest mistake of his life, he inhaled.
"Oh dear ass!" he choked, stumbling around. He collapsed on the ground smack dab in the center of the Ass Cloud.
"Help me!! LOOOOOGAAAAN!!" he called between gasped for clean air, "CAAAAAN YOOOOOOOU HEEEEEAAAAR MEEEEEE? I'VEEEE FAAAALLLLEEEEEN DOOOOOOWN THEEEE TOOOILEEEEET...I THIIIIINK!"
The Professor started to roll down the grassy hill, while trying to get a hold of something to stop him. It was too late. He fell over a random cliff and plummeted to the bottom of the.well, well.
"I'VEEEE FALLLLEEEN DOOOWNN THEE WELLL! AGAIN!"
"What's wrong with the Professor?" asked Logan, finally able to breathe clearly now that Jean stopped dropping ass everywhere, "He seems distraught for some reason."
The Cabbage Patch Head was screaming in his slumbers for someone to help him. His waved his arms around frantically, speaking incoherently.
"Blah, ass! Ass! Stinky! Cliff! Well! Help Logan! It's green cloud o' ass! Lucky charms! Shiny! My hair! It's falling out! I.I can't feel my legs! Or ass! Speaking of ass, I smell ass! Jean! It can only be that stinky bitch!"
"Uh." Kelly said, looking at the retarded form of the bald man writhing on the floor, "We better get going."
"Yeah," added Jenny, "We have to get of the goddamn mutha fucking ground sometime!"
-end part 16
LOCATION: PIMP ASS XAVIER'S MANSION OF NEKKID MEN
All the X-men gathered into a little room that I'm going to call the Orgy Room, I mean Map Room. Jenny and Kelly stood behind Logan, watching his ass intently. Gaylops pushed a button and hard-core gay porn played on all the monitors in the room.
"Oh yeah! Hit it home daddy!"
"Oh oh oh oh YEAH!"
"Um.you probably should ignore that," he said, trying to click the porno off. "Sorry, I swear that this isn't mine."
Logan shook his head knowingly. "Sure it isn't, you flaming homo."
"Ewwww!!" shrieked Jenny, "What are they doing to that other man??"
Logan covered her young eyes with his hand.
"You don't want to know." was all he said, averting his gaze to the floor.
Finally, halfway through the tape, Gaylops managed to turn it off.
He pushed a different button, one that wasn't marked "Push for porn".
The table in the room was suddenly covered with a detailed 3D map of the New York City area.
"All righty then," explained Gaylops, "We can swing the jet past the 7-11 and pick up some icees, then it's off to Male Heaven for a few lap dances. After that we can dress in drag and pick up some transvestites at the corner."
As he said the names of the places he pointed them out on the map. Logan listened to the plan and then looked down at the Gayfreak.
"I don't think so." Logan said, "When do we get to saving Rogue? You're evening seems pretty much planned out tonight."
"I was getting to that," said Eyeball with attitude, "Ahhh, you can just be such a bitch sometimes." He gestured with his hands gayly and his voice got real feminine.
"Proceed Mighty One eye," said Logan, bowing to him.
"Where was I.oh yeah, corner," said Gayster, "AFTER, the corner, we can come around the bank just off of Manhattan." His hand pointed to the Statue of Gayberty. "We land on the far side of Liberty Island. Here."
"So what about radar?" asked Logan.
Half-a-Dick glanced up and grinned, showing the world his yellow, rotten, horse-like teeth. "If theys has anything that cin pick oop our flying gizmo, them deserves ta catcher us."
"It's called a toothbrush," said Kelly, "Check into it." She whipped a 99- cent toothbrush at his fo'head. Then Jenny shot a tube of toothpaste.
"To the jet!" yelled Jenny, pointing boldly to Logan's groin, "To manhoodity, and beyond! Up up and splooooooooge!"
They all headed out to the shagadelic polka-dotted X-Jet.
LOCATION: WHAT'S IT TO YOU?
Everyone boarded the X-Jet, fighting over the few seats inside. Uni-eye grabbed the pilot's seat and next to him sat one of those hopping monkey guys from The Wizard of Oz. Oh wait, that was Jean. Storm, all bloated and fat from the Bucket o' Bastard that she devoured, lay on the floor. Her fat was bulging out of her suit, and so was her ass. Logan sat down quickly, only to be tackled by Jenny and Kelly. They fought over possession of his lap.
"I wanna sit here!" cried Kelly, trying to conquer more lap territory.
"Oh no! I would prefer to sit here. Logan likes me better anyways!" retorted Jenny, grasping both of Logan's thighs.
"Ladies," said the weary Logan, "No one is sitting on me. Now stop fooling around! I've had enough of this fighting over me shit. You two are worse than men!"
Jenny and Kelly stared at him, very much offended.
Jenny released his thighs, but not before squeezing them one last time.
"Fine then," said Kelly, turning her back on Logan. She made her way to the far end of the jet. Then she huffily sat down. Jenny looked at Kelly, then at Logan, then back at Kelly. She decided to go and chill with her buddy, the one and only Kellsticles.
"Thank you!" said Logan, his voice slightly cracking, "Finally I get to get some peace and quiet!" He leaned back and closed his eyes. Every once and awhile he'd open one eye to see what his loyal admirers were up to.
"BING BING." binged the jet's female computer voice, "Lift off will be in one hour due to tampons clogging the thrusters. Thank you Jean, you no good donkey spanking bitch."
Jenny and Kelly groaned in the corner. Now they had to sit around and do nothing. How boring.
"Everyone," announced Nipple-Eye, "I'm going to try and fix the jet really quick. I'll be back as soon as I can. Meanwhile, make yourselves at home." He started for the exit and then turned around and looked directly at Jenny and Kelly. "You two be good or else you can't go!"
"Go fuck yourself," laughed Kelly.
"Cunt eye!"
"Pickle smoking gay man!"
"Rectum-headed bitchwad!"
"Asshair braider!"
"Pork-bellied barforific crud infested fart sniffing vomitrocious hog- humping piss head!"
"Halitosis-infested, unspeakably offensive fuck stick!"
"Um..anus licking, moronic monkey mangling, mammy ramming, man banger!"
"Public manure heap!"
"Peck sniffin', turkey shit gobbling, dickheaded, 10/10 vision havin', shrunken testicle grabbin', basrat!"
"Fut! Fut on thee!"
Clopface gave them a dirty look and then left.
"What a horse's ass!" remarked Jenny, "He really went to fish for a penis."
"He couldn't catch one if he tried." said Kelly.
Logan kept glancing over at the chatting girls. He felt left out. He cleared his throat loudly. "Ahem.." They ignored it. "I said..AHEM!" They still acted like they didn't hear it. He crossed and uncrossed his legs angrily. Then he started to shift moodily in his seat. He looked over at them again. They were totally immersed in their little conversation. Kelly whispered something to Jenny and then the two started to giggle.
Logan started to move closer and closer to the girls. He was determined to get their attention.
Jenny looked up and saw Logan trying to be sneaky. He sat down next to Jenny and looked around the room like nothing was happening. Jenny looked at him strangely, shrugged her shoulders, and turned back to talk with Kelly.
"What's he doing?" whispered Kelly.
"I think he got lonely," said Jenny. Logan picked up Jenny's hand and placed it on his thigh. Then he looked her straight in the eye and gave her the sexiest look he could give. He even used the smirk and eyebrow artillery!
Jenny stared at him, totally unfazed. She picked her hand up and turned around to face Kelly again. Logan was amazed that she of all people could withstand his look of love. Kelly poked Jenny and Jenny fell over, stiff as a board.
"You killed her Logan!!" screamed Kelly, her hands on her face. She suddenly became serious.
"Good going. Now how's about you, me, and your bed makes three?"
"How 'bout no?" he replied, still looking at the fainted Jenny. He nudged her with his foot. "Is she gonna be ok?"
"Well now, I don't know," said Kelly, booting Jenny a few times in the head, "You know what? This is all your fault."
"How is this my fault?" asked Logan angrily, popping his claws. Kelly started to look dazed also. Logan poked her and she also fell down, stiff as a board.
"Oh jeeeeeeeeeeeeeessuuus!!"
Gayman walked over to Logan and looked down at the unconscious girls. He wiped his hands off on a rag and patted Logan's back. "Jet's all fixed Don Juan," he laughed, "I hope you stabbed them or something."
"Kiss my ass, dickface," said Jenny, rubbing her head and getting to her feet. "Who the ass kicked me in the goddamn head?!"
Logan pointed to Kelly.
"That whore!" yelled Jenny, booting Kelly in the ass. Kelly moaned and started to stir.
"Logan, Christ, you don't have to be so rough with my ass you know," she said, getting up. She saw that everyone looking at her oddly. "Errr.I mean, you don't have to.nevermind."
"Ok, the tampons have been cleared," said Gayman, looking at Jean all crazy, "I didn't know that jets get periods but I guess anything can happen nowadays."
Jean put her head down. "I have a problem," she whined.
"Yeah," laughed Jenny, "You look like a dog, you smell like a dog, and I'm pretty sure that you are a dog. You should get that checked out woofie."
"I'm obsessed with feminine products!" she continued, pulling like 30 boxes of Kotex from her purse.
"Why??" asked Kelly, "Let me spell this shit out for ya. Y-O-U H-A-V-E A P- E-N-I-S!"
"And what a penis!" said Gaylops, lookin' proud.
Jean smiled. "Well, you do take care of it Scotty Baby."
"This is just getting sick," groaned Logan, "The last thing that I want to know is how Gayman over here takes care of Jean's Captain Winky."
"Ditto," said Jenny, looking disgusted.
"Everyone get in their seats!" yelled Captain Eye, "4 minutes to lift off!"
"This ain't a freakin' spaceship, ass," said Kelly.
Logan sat down in his seat. The two girls came over to him and looked at him. Then Jenny lunged.
"Left thigh is mine!" she screeched, jumping on Logan's lap. Kelly took the other thigh.
"I own his ass," said Kelly, "I'm just letting you borrow his left thigh because there is no where else to sit." She squeezed his leg. "Mine."
"No way!" insisted Jenny, "Loganie let ME touch his leg, not you! Right Logan?" She batted her eyes sweetly.
"I..um.."
"Logan," purred Kelly, "Tell this messed up beeeeyatch that you're mine and only mine." Kelly stroked his chops.
"Git offa me!" Logan pushed the two girls from him.
"Fine," said Jenny huffily, "I'll sit on the goddamn floor." She sat on the floor Indian style. Kelly sat down next to her.
"Ahhhhhhh," sighed Logan, stretching, "All this room and no women to take up my space. This is my idea of heaven."
Jenny looked up at him with longing in her eyes.
"It's best to not look," said Kelly, turning Jenny's head away from the hunk of man behind her. Kelly started to stare at Logan.
"Hey whore!" yelled Jenny, "You said I couldn't look but here you are drooling away!"
"I'm privileged," replied Kelly, " When You and I first agreed to make this kick azz story you said I had the right to fondle and stare at Logan any damn time I wanted."
"I never said that!!"
"Yes you did!" Kelly busted out with a contract. It said:
"I hereby proclaim that Kelly has the right to molest the Logan whenever she pleases. She also has the right to bear his children and the right to touch the holy manhood. Logan is the sole property of Kelly. Jenny owns no part of his body and cannot ever ever ever fondle or stare at will. If she breaks this contract may she be stoned like the pig lovin' wench she is. ~Kelly Stickles
"Hey! I never wrote that!" Jenny looked closely at the supposed contract with a magnifying glass. "Why would I sign your name?"
Kelly was busy brushing Logan's hair. "You have beautiful hair darling," she said, "You know what you need?"
"What?"
"You need a vacation from Jenny. She can be quite abusive sometimes. You also need to rest up for our wedding night. Got to conserve that stamina!!" Kelly put a few little barrettes in his hair.
"Oh, and you're not abusive, eh?" Jenny stood behind Kelly, arms folded over her chest and foot tapping, "And what's all this wedding shit about? You plotting behind your future wife's back Logan??" She grabbed his ear and gave it a tug.
Logan looked down, "No Miss Jenny."
"Too late for that now!" Jenny pointed to a corner, "Go over there and think about what you've done!"
Logan got up and stamped over to the corner, "You are so mean!!"
"I'm just doing what's best for you," said Jenny in a motherly tone, "It's all because I love you."
"I know," he whined, facing the wall.
"Good boy."
"Wow Jenny," said Kelly in awe, "That's impressive! You have him trained so well!"
"It won't last though," said Jenny, "Watch. 5..4..3..2..1.now."
"Hey! What in the name of Bald Xavier's am I doing?" Logan whirled around, "You! I am not an animal for you to train. If you wanna play dog trainer, go look for Jean!"
"Woof! I mean.you called?" Jean showed up crawling on the ground, a collar around her neck.
"She'd enjoy that shit Logan!" said Jenny, "C'mon! If you give me a massage I'll give you some Kibbles and Bits and Cheesy Chunks."
"Um..no."
"How does some Snausages sound?"
"I said NO!"
"A milk bone? Rawhide? Beggin' Strips? Alpo?"
"How's about I give you and Kelly a Logan Brand Mohawk?" Logan popped his claws again.
"Sure. Kelly could use a shave," laughed Jenny, "Talk about wookie!"
"Don't get me started on wookies you homeless burger pusher!"
"Ass sniffin' transvestite Ronald McDonald licker!"
"Garbage pickin' 2000 lb obese waddle jiggler!"
"Kiss my ass you twelve nippled circus midget!"
"Midget? Listen here Amazon dykemonger. There's nothing midget-like about you. They should call you Jolly Green Jenny or some shit. Lookin' like She- Hulk on acid!"
"She-Hulk is hot!" yelled Logan for some strange reason.
The feuding girls ignored him.
"I'm taking yo' ass to court for being able to walk around free among civilized people!"
"What are you saying Jenny??"
"I mean, I didn't know they let rabid gorillas out of their cages! I'm looking at the queen mother of them all too. Mighty Joe Young lookin' arms dragging on the ground Encino Woman! Someone needs to pump your hairy ass full of tranquilizers and take you back to Gilligan's Island!"
"Oh hell naw!" said Kelly, "Now it's on!"
The scene changes to a courtroom. Music starts to play. "Da da da...da da da."
Jenny walks down the aisle and stands in front of her table. She opens up a suitcase and pulls some documents out.
"The plaintiff: 19 year old Jenny, a beautiful super model who can't even trust one of her best friends with her main man, Logan. She's suing for unlawful fondling of a wolverine and being called Jolly Green Jenny."
Kelly walks down the aisle next. She runs straight for Jenny and begins pulling her hair. An officer pulls her away and puts her in front of her table. Jenny sticks her tongue out at Kelly and the audience goes, "Oooooooh!"
"The defendant: 304 year old Kelly Stickles, a crazy cat lovin' lady that enjoys sitting on her porch in her favorite rocking chair babbling incoherently. She's counter suing for being called a hairy feces-chucking primate and for total ownership of Logan. Oooops, someone has been playing with my cards!!"
Jenny winks and then grins fiendishly. "Ayyyyyyyyyy!" She gives the audience a thumbs up like the Fonz.
"Ahem, anyways, the cases are real, the people are real, and the rulings are final. This is her courtroom.Judge Judy!"
"Woo hoo!" yelled Jenny, pumping her fist, "You going down Kelly!"
"We'll see about that," replied Kelly, flipping Jenny a friendly bird, "Judge Judy is a fair woman!"
"Both of you shut the hell up or else my shoe will find it's way up your ass!" screeched Judge Judy, "Well, you two look like intelligent ladies. NOT! Let's hear your side of the story Andre the Giant."
Jenny looked at her all crazy, "Me?"
"No, the other 12 foot woman behind you," said Judy, "Of course you!"
"Um.yeah," started Jenny, "First of all I'd like to say that you look quite lovely today your honor."
"Don't give me that bullshit madam. Get to the story."
"Ok, Miss Apeshit over there keeps trying to take my man, Mr. Logan. She also slandered my good name repeatedly." Jenny dug into her briefcase and pulled out a rotten banana. "I found this shoved into my shoe one day. She admitted to doing it."
Judge Judy looked over to Kelly, "Did you do that?"
"Well I.."
"I asked you a simple question madam. I'm sorry if I can't get further down to your level of intelligence. Did you do that or not?"
"Yeah." " That was very vindictive of you. Vindictive and mean. You're not a very nice person."
"But I can."
"Did you just interrupt me?"
Kelly shook her head vigorously.
"If you ever do that again, you'll be out of this courtroom on your ass. Don't piss me off. I can smell a lie a mile away."
"Yes your honor. I did it," admitted Kelly, putting her head down.
"Continue Miss Giraffe." Judge Judy looked back to Jenny.
"As I was saying, she keeps trying to take my man, Logan. Kelly knows that Logan belongs to me and only me. She calls him in the middle of the night when we're busy making babies and she stalks him constantly."
"Objection your honor!" Logan stood up. "Jenny and I are not together. Kelly and I are not together. In fact we will never be together."
"Is that so? Stand up here Sir." Judy waved him up.
Logan made his way up to the judge's desk. "Are you telling me that you are currently not involved with either one of these girls?"
"That's what I'm saying. I'd rather hump a cactus then have any kind of sexual relations with these two," Logan explained.
"But I made you sploooooooge Logan!" cried Jenny.
"Hey hey hey! It was a combined effort," added Kelly.
Logan groaned, "Why didja have to bring that up again?"
"Is what they're saying true Sir? Did you somehow lose control of your bodily functions and as they say "splooge" everywhere?"
"Not everywhere your honor!" said Logan, "Only on my pants!"
"So you did. You sick man," Judge Judy said, "You took advantage of two very young girls. What have you to say for yourself?"
"They pumped me full of date rape pills though!!"
"All of you get out of my courtroom! OUT!" Judy motioned for the bailiff to beat some ass, "Pile of sickos. Who's next?"
"Yo mama Judge Hoebeast!" yelled Kelly, "Kiss my ass you grizzled granny!" Kelly hurled a random audience member at the judge. Judy caught the poor person and chomped them into a bloody pulp.
"Eep!"
"Run for it Kelly!" cried Jenny, getting her ass out of the room.
ANYWAYS, BACK ON THE JET
"Bing bing," binged the binger, "Jean's corroded tampons have finally been removed from the jet's thrusters, however, something else was found down there. It appears to be a rather large bowling ball shaped object."
"Hey," said Kelly, looking up, "Where's Jenny?"
"Yeah," said Logan, "I haven't seen her since the two of you disappeared off to random court."
"Who cares," said The Gayest Man Known To Exist, blinking his large mono- eye, "I hope she's rotting in a ditch somewhere."
Kelly chucked a piece of Jean's charred wig at Gayman 5021 with all her might. It landed lightly on his head and started to chew the fuckle out of his foogle.
"What the hell?!" yelled Logan, watching the tribble from hell eat Loin- eye's visor.
Shaft-eye ran around the jet screaming at the top of his eye. "AAAAAHHHHHHH!!! HELP ME!! IT'S EEEEEEAAAATING MY VIIIIIIISOOOOOR!"
"My hair!" screamed Bald Woofer, following Dinger-eye and trying to reclaim what was left of her matted, dirty, tangled, shit stained, mop of a wig.
Butt-cheek head wheeled around the corner at that moment. "What the figgle foogle mcassass is going on here? I'm in a coma for 5 minutes and you guys fickle everything up."
"Why the hell are you talking like that?" asked Kelly, with a "what the fuck" look on her face.
"Yeah, what's with the 'foogle' and the 'figgle' and especially the 'mcassass'?" said Logan.
Peenage-with-Wheelage whipped out his shriveled Ball-park. "Yoo hooo, my spent penis ring a bell, hello? Remember, toaster, mustard, ketchup, side of relish, me curled up in the fetal position with my wang smoking more than a chimney?"
"Oh yeah. You are a sick, sad little man. Did I mention bald? Or how about manhoodless? Or vertically challenged? Or---"
Baldman McGee interrupted Jenny. "That's enough of that."
"Kiss my aaasssss," said Kelly, bending over and pointing at her bum, "You little shit."
"I will not stand around here and be insulted by a little insolent ragamuffin like you," replied Mr. McBald.
"Ahem.stand? Mutha fuckah! Have you looked at yourself lately? You're in a goddamn wheelchair! That ain't no shopping cart mofo and this ain't no Pick n' Save bitch," yelled Jenny, shoving Turtle from his chair onto the jet's floor.
"Hey, stop it! He's a gimp for Lieutenant Dan's sake!" screamed Cloppy, a tear streaking his one eyed face.
"Lieutenant Dan!!!! He's a cripple," explained Kelly, "You're gonna offend him if you call him a shrimpy numbified-ass gimp."
But the Profbaldy wasn't listening.wasn't seeing.wasn't conscious.and he sure as all hell wasn't kicking, cuz he can't. He was knocked the fuckle outta his fickle.
"You..killed..him!!" cried McEye, who was in the process of shaking the Baldman like an English nanny, "I'll never ever ever forgive you! Never in a million trillion gazillion years! Not even if you kill Jean! Never!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"How old are you?" asked Kelly, watching Cloppy MacLoppy beat the Asscheek into a bruised orange shaped orange.
"It smells like hotdog juice," said Jean, her nose sniffin' at the speed of tramp. She clamped her suctionized mouth onto World Globe's head and sucked Australia off of him, much to Logan's dismay.
"When are we gonna get on with this damn story already?" asked Logan, arms crossed and toe a-tappin', "I mean, talk about stretching a 2 hour movie out!"
Kelly gave Logan the infamous "niggaplease" look. "Hey. It's our damn story, we can make it as long as we want, Claw-Man."
Logan unleashed the fury known as the adamantium claws. "Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarr!" he shouted, waving his arms.
"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeahhhh. No thanks," said Jenny.
"What was all that shit about? I never thought I'd say this, but that was incredibly un-sexy!" said Kelly.
"Woof woof!" woofed Jean the Woofer, who was trained in the Art of Woofing. She also is the proud owner of a Woofing degree in Woofing and the Sluttiest Dog in the Kennel award, brought to you by Kibbles n' Bits n' Cheesy Chunks.
"When the fuck did this turn into a damned commercial?" belched Storm from the vicinity of the floor. She was breathing quite heavily, and bursting out of her un-reinforced uniform. A button hit Mr. Potato Head-with- missing-pieces-namely-eye in the, well, eye.
Jenny and Kelly suddenly busted out with some top hats and canes.
"Jeepers creepers, where'd you get that PEEPER!" they sang in unison, accompanied by occasional high-kicks.
"Don't you mean 'peepers'?" asked Jean.
"Listen here Woof, we don't make mistakes," said Jenny, lookin' more pimp than ever.
Kelly put in her two cents and tossed a generic version of Milkbone. She didn't deserve that kind of quality. Scott was curled up in the corner, crying his eye out.
"Okay, c'mon now, can we get off the goddamn ground?" Logan asked, his eyebrow rose dramatically into the air, touching the ceiling and struggling to get free. The eyebrow, which we will refer to as "Dave", pulled out a chainsaw from its hairy depths and started to saw the shit out of the jet's ceiling. It wasn't getting anywhere, so it grew arms and started to bang futilely on the jet, sobbing its hair out. It suddenly disappeared and then reappeared back on Logan's sexy face. (we apologize for this nonsense. It was brought on by a streak of boredom and crack smoking. Now back to your regularly scheduled crap)
"Um..yeah," said Jenny, for once in her 19 years of existence at a loss of words, "That was just, strange. Who the hell is writing this story anyways? Two immature teens or something?"
"Hey bitch, stay in part!" yelled a disembodied voice, "And zip your fly up for God's sake.I swear, you can't find good actresses these days."
Jenny looked around, totally mystified. "Who are you?"
"I'm one of the authors of this story," explained the voice with attitude, "And you better not forget that shit you ungrateful wench, or else I'll add an extra head onto that bowling ball you already have."
"Are you the one that did that to Logan's eyebrow?" asked Kelly, "And why do you sound so much like me?"
"I am you, dippy," laughed Author Kelly, "Get to working or else I'll make Jean have sex with Logan!"
"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!" screamed Jenny, falling on her hands and knees, "Please don't!"
"We'll be good o' mighty Authors!!" said Kelly, bowing, "Please continue to make this story full of raunchy humor and bald jokes."
"We will," said the voice, "Well, gotta go. I'm meeting Hugh Jackman for dinner with Jenny. Ta ta asses. Mwhahahahaha!!!"
Everyone in the jet was all quiet and shit.that is until nature called for Jean.
"FFFFFTTTT!!"
Suddenly the airtight enclosure was filled with green clouds of fumes. Everyone in the jet ran around in total confusion and lack of clean, breathable air. Ass was filling their every pore. Jean continued her never ceasing pootable orchestra of poot, pooting all the waaaaaaaaaaaaay home.
"Someone cork her ass up!" yelled Logan, "It smells like someone broke loose and rubbed old dog's ass on the walls then turned up the heat!"
"Hell no!" yelled Jenny, talking funny because she was pinching her nose with her fingers, "It smells like a damn Port o' Let that's never once been emptied out!"
"Almost, but I believe that the proper odor is twelve pieces of gooey dog shit on top of four pieces of soggy cat shit on top of forty specs of bird shit then shit on by an obese woman that's consumed nothing but meat for a whole year then shit on by a goddamn old sick elephant plagued by diarrhea!" yelled Kelly waving her hands around to fight the odor of ass with all she had.
"Yeah! That's it!" agreed everyone on the jet. Even the unconscious Coconut smelt that shit in his coma. Here's his story..
"I can walk again!" laughed the Professor, who was now in possession of a full head of hair and working legs. He skipped freely through a field of flowers, breathing in the fresh clean air.
*Is this really happening?* The Professor sat on the comfy grass on the ground and leaned back, relaxing. *I've never felt so at peace and bald joke free.*
He closed his eyes and listened to the birds singing in the trees. Suddenly it all became silent, not even the sound of the wind rustling the tree branches present. The Professor heard another sound though.
"FFFFTTTTT...."
"What on Earth...." the Professor said aloud, watching a green cloud slowly make its way towards him, "What's that?"
The cloud totally enveloped him and he made the biggest mistake of his life, he inhaled.
"Oh dear ass!" he choked, stumbling around. He collapsed on the ground smack dab in the center of the Ass Cloud.
"Help me!! LOOOOOGAAAAN!!" he called between gasped for clean air, "CAAAAAN YOOOOOOOU HEEEEEAAAAR MEEEEEE? I'VEEEE FAAAALLLLEEEEEN DOOOOOOWN THEEEE TOOOILEEEEET...I THIIIIINK!"
The Professor started to roll down the grassy hill, while trying to get a hold of something to stop him. It was too late. He fell over a random cliff and plummeted to the bottom of the.well, well.
"I'VEEEE FALLLLEEEN DOOOWNN THEE WELLL! AGAIN!"
"What's wrong with the Professor?" asked Logan, finally able to breathe clearly now that Jean stopped dropping ass everywhere, "He seems distraught for some reason."
The Cabbage Patch Head was screaming in his slumbers for someone to help him. His waved his arms around frantically, speaking incoherently.
"Blah, ass! Ass! Stinky! Cliff! Well! Help Logan! It's green cloud o' ass! Lucky charms! Shiny! My hair! It's falling out! I.I can't feel my legs! Or ass! Speaking of ass, I smell ass! Jean! It can only be that stinky bitch!"
"Uh." Kelly said, looking at the retarded form of the bald man writhing on the floor, "We better get going."
"Yeah," added Jenny, "We have to get of the goddamn mutha fucking ground sometime!"
-end part 16