"Bitches!" cried Logan, trying to pry the horny youths from his adamantium buns.
Suddenly Kelly was slapped dead in the face with one of Mystique's flopping, flapping, flipping, flepping, flupping breasts o'blue. "What the shit! The nipple touched my lip! Ewww, gross!"
"She gave you Nipplitis! We can't be friends anymore, Nipple Queen!" yelled Jenny, staring at the blue smear on Kelly's lips.
"C'mon, a little nipple never hurt anyone," said Logan, stroking his wood fiendishly, like he was trying to start a fire.
"Anyone up for custard?" Scott asked, peering over Logan's shoulder. "Whoa! Whatcha doin'! Nice wood, buddy!"
"Jean? Is that you?" Logan asked, a mischievous smile on his face. "You know what I like…"
"I've said it before, and I'll say it again," Kelly began, clearing her throat. "When did this shit become a porno!"
"Ever since Logan started screwing with his wooden soldier over here," Jenny supplied, her eyes glued to the scene before her.
"I say, what's going on in here?" asked a bald chap. "Logan! That's… disgust… remarkable! Science truly has no bounds!"
"Ain't got.. uhhhnnn… nothin' to do with science, Bub," Logan groaned, the veins in his neck straining with every friction-filled rub. "Man, this shit is not workin' properly. C'mon girls, help me out."
"Okay!" both girls said a little too enthusiastically.
"Hey, careful… not too… ughhhhhHHHHH…hard!"
"Something's happening!" cried Kelly, her nose down in it.
"Whoa, it's starting to smoke! You're rubbing too hard!" Jenny yelled, alarmed.
"It's sposed to smoke! Feels great! It's so warm and toasty… like your bed if I was in it," said Kelly, winking suggestively. "You know what I'm sayin'?"
"Quiet Kelly, I'm concentrating," moaned Logan breathlessly. "Man, my wrist is starting to get sore. I didn't know I could get Carpal Tunnel."
Scott pushed Jenny's head to the side to get a better view. "You're not doing it right! Here, let me help!"
"Get your goddamn hands offa my wood, son," Logan growled, ready to unleash the goodness within…his knuckles. "Now quit playing around, someone's gotta make this fire burn, and it's not gonna be me. Which one of you two wants to do the honors?"
Jenny looked at Kelly, and Kelly's foot looked at Jenny's shin. Real hard. "Auuuugh! Fuckermucker assholer picker! Mhy'd mu mick me!"
"What are you, Dutch now?" Kelly asked, watching Jenny writhe on the floor in Dutch agony.
"It's not going to be here forever, ya know!" Logan grabbed Scott's hands and placed them on his wood. "Now it's gonna be bouncing around a lot, but I need you to try and steady it as I give it a good, hard rub. Can you do that for me, disabled man?"
"No fair!" Kelly yelled, trying to lunge forward and grab the wood. She didn't get far because Jenny was chewing on her big toe.
"Rwar rwar rubble rubble rubble!" rubbled Jenny, like Hamburglar.
"It's happening!" screamed Logan, screwing his face up in ecstasy. "Oh yeah, that's the shit! Woooo boy! Right there Scott, just like that! Oh baby! Look at the white stuff pour forth in a mighty river of white!"
"Um… it's called 'smoke' Logan. And you're getting a little too excited about starting a fire with that Boyscout Handbook you found in Mystique's ass," said The Black Woman Formerly Known As Storm.
"So what's this brown stuff that was smeared all over the cover?" Logan asked, sniffing and poking at the book. "I thought it was Smores."
"Who's the disabled man now?" hayucked Disabled Man I.
"Shut up," grumbled Logan, who kicked the book right as his eye, where it stuck.
"That's fucking disgusting. Anyway, let's go shave Marie…I mean save," Kelly said.
"Shave and a haircut, two bits!" Jenny chirped. "But I think it's going to cost more than two bits for her hairy ass cooter."
"Ass and cooter? What, like a giant afrolanche in the danger room?" Kelly asked.
"Exactly."
"Jean! Jean, are you okay? I thought I'd lost you!" Scott cried as he paused in the mouth-to-snout resuscitation he was performing on the unconscious Jason Bateman.
"I had the weirdest dream," she barked, "You were there touching Logan's wood, and Storm was black, and Logan had magical wood that spouted something white, and the Professor was bald, and the two girls who are writing this story were there. We were going to shave Marie for two bits…Oh Scott, it was woodish!"
"Who's been talking about my wood?" Logan asked, joining the pathetic Blind Man and his Seeing Eye Hooker.
"I'll chop your wood for free, Logan!" Jenny said.
Logan cupped a hand protectively around his boys. "Ooooh. Aw shit, they've gone into hiding! Thanks a lot."
"Jenny has that effect on men. It's like magic. Poof! Disappearing testicles," Kelly explained, watching for a sighting of the elusive Adamantium Testiculos.
"What happened to Mystique?" someone asked.
Suddenly there were two Logans, but one had his balls hanging out of his pants.
"Wait, wait, I don't know which one's real!" Man-we've-run-out-of-names-for said.
Visible Balls Logan said, "I'm real!"
Invisible Balls Logan said, "No, I'm real!"
"Jenny, go grab some nuts!" Kelly said, and pushed her forward.
Jenny clamped down on Visible Balls Logan, well, balls. He just smiled.
"He likes it, Mikey!" Jenny yelled happily.
"Okay, IBLogan, whip 'em out," Kelly said, standing in front of him with hand on hip.
"Hey c'mon, you know that a) I would never let Jenny grab me like that, and b) she made the twins join the witness protection program!"
Jenny pulled her hand away from VBLogan. "Why is my hand all goddamn blue? He gave me blue balls!"
"SICK!"
"Shut up, Nipple Lips. This is all your fault."
"My fault? Nipple Lips? Do we have to go back to Judge Judy's again? I will kick you in your teeth!"
"Bring it, bitch!"
Jenny and Kelly started to rumble. The Logans started to rumble, too. "I never thought I'd be afraid of my own junk, but damn, that thing's coming at me with the quickness!"
Scott slapped Jean in the face. "Why you so uhhhgly? Dayum."
IBLogan suddenly stabbed VBLogan right in the chestnuts. "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" VBLogan eeee'd, melting back into dingleberry leaving Mystique.
"To the copper room! Away!"
End part...what is this, 18? Goddamn.