Title: some things a guy just can't...
Author: M.
Rating: PG13
Spoilers: Scarecrow
Summary: Some things he just can't say...some things he can never ask.
Note: This is a belated christmas gift for drkcherry for the awesome beta.

"The craft's a chick thing," he can still hear her flippant words and see the cocky grin on her face, "no boys allowed."

He can't say he'll never say it, in this business you never say never on account of the fact some thing somewhere will damn well make you do it, but he knows he won't give it up easy. Fessing up to your baby brother that you're jealous he did what you couldn't is absolutely his idea of a good way to ruin a day. So, he doesn't plan on saying it but sometimes he has his moments of admitting it to himself. He's jealous that Sam walked away.

"That's how it's going to be, isn't it? Always. He'll snap his fingers and you'll play good little soldier and rush right off." She was gorgeous when she was pissed off, dark hair swinging with the motion of her body, eyes full of the fire that was her trademark power, her voice dripping with acidic fury. "God, Dean, you can't be serious!"

The worst of it isn't that she can't understand his life. The worst of it is that she understands it, it's her life too and sometimes, Dean knows just what Sam feels. Sometimes, he hates Dad too.

"Stay away from that girl, Dean." Something in his eyes, something John couldn't - wouldn't - say. Something that he didn't want his son to know. "She can't be involved in this. She or her family."

He's tried to figure out what it is that his father holds back about Emma, about her family, but no joy. Just another shitload of secrets John holds back 'for their own good'.

The contempt in her eyes is the worst. "Well, fancy meeting you here...don't see a leash, Daddy not with you?" No matter when they meet or how they meet it's always there. She doesn't resent him for his connection to his family, she has her own loyalties. To her sister and to her cousins. She can't resent him for that and in their many arguments about it she's as much said so. "Just once, Dean...just once can't you ask him why?"

He doesn't ask why, not outright, and she hates him for it. Truth is, he hates himself, and Dad, for it too. He can't ask and his father won't say so the cycle keeps on going. They meet, they fight, they fuck, the phone rings and he's gone with recriminations ringing in his ears.

Sometimes, they're even hers.

Dean's hand lands on his cell.

Time to call Sam and maybe, hell, maybe this scarecrow's his time to say it...to them if not Dad.