Counselling
Chapter 3, The Baba Hears A Confession
''
It was purification - this emptying of her soul. After a while Padmé found her voice again and it was as if a dam had been broken. The only problem was tempering the emotions long enough to articulate them. Nothing was held back.
She relived the anger that inflamed in her during the sham interrogation, the bantha-court Dooku set up to intimidate and humiliate her. She relived the poisonous hatred that mounted in her as her suspicions about Dooku - that he was responsible for the assassination attempts on her life and the death of her two handmaidens - were confirmed.
She relived the moment when she finally came to terms with the fact that no rescue would be forthcoming, that she and Anakin would be killed like criminals. And she relived the emotions of fear and helplessness that overwhelmed her at that realization, the sensations of loss and immeasurable grief at Anakin dying - dying precisely because she had insisted on going on this unfathomably reckless mission.
Strong loyalties or not, personal vendetta or not, she had known her position in the matter. By getting involved in the conflict, she was directly defying an Executive Order from the Supreme Chancellor and almost certainly inflaming an already volatile situation. Apart from that, it had been foolhardy to attempt the rescue with just one Jedi as back up against a whole planet of hostiles. If she only had allowed a mind that had studied, in theory and in practice, the art of military stratagem to reason for a little longer, she would have realized that Master Kenobi's transmission would not have escaped the enemy's awareness. An elaborate trap was undoubtedly set in place for any would-be rescue mission and she had walked right into it, taking Anakin with her.
"You should not blame yourself, child. You had the right intentions."
"Baba -"
"No, you listen to me now, child." She heard him get up from the floor and walk towards her. Her back was to him as she gazed sightlessly through the window. "We are human beings, not machines that cannot feel or err or act on anything other than hardwired programs. Our emotions do not make us weak, they make us strong. They make us loyal and brave and courageous. And to keep fighting even while afraid is the greatest kind of courage."
"Oh, Baba." Padmé sighed and finally turned to him. "I have not finished." And she turned away again, determined not to look him in the face until she completely condemned herself.
"We were to be executed in an arena. Dooku planned a grand-scale exhibition for our old friend, Nute Gunray, to watch. You must remember him, Baba. The stands were full; the whole city had probably turned up. It was going to be a big show - the troublesome Senator Amidala and a pair of Jedi fighting for their lives against wild animals." She laughed harshly. "Before we were led into the arena, we were left by ourselves in the hangar, tied to the cart so we could not escape. I was so afraid. My heart was almost beating out of my chest with fear. We were about to die. And it was all because of my foolishness. I had led him to this - I who had promised myself not so long before that I would never again be the source of pain or sorrow to him. The last person in the world I would ever want to bring harm to."
She could hear the whistle of his sharply indrawn breath.
tbc