Chapter 2: The question of love
Mystique could not find the will to move. She just stood there, staring at him in shock and confusion. Even she didn't know why she did what she did. She never once pined for him. In all their years together, they were never once involved in a romantic relationship. They were always partners, comrades, teammates – never lovers. Neither of them showed any interest to the other - as far as she knew...as far as she knew.
So why now? Why the sudden hunger for his kiss, his touch? She remembered how her hands slithered up into his sweater. She remembered how her lips caressed his and how her tongue swirled in his mouth. And she did that all on her own accord. She wanted it all to happen. Was it because of what she 'really' wanted from him? Should she tell him?
Erik licked his lips and looked at her firmly. "Why are you here, Raven?" He paused for a few seconds to observe her. "I know you came to me for a reason. I can see it in your eyes. I can always see it in your eyes. You want something."
The feeling of her kiss and her hands on his torso continued to linger in his head. They swam in his mind like a myriad of images that would not let him be. They taunted him, teased him, like echoes of a sensual scream, like a delicate finger running over sensitive skin. He immediately pushed the thoughts away, deep into the recesses of his mind. He thought of it as a mistake --- a mistake that occurred in the heat of the moment. A mistake that should be forgotten. It was nothing.
She swallowed and stood steadfast. Perhaps it was about time that she told him why she really was there --- the real reason why she had come to him that night. She needed him. No. Not him per se...But what he could give her.
"I want to have a child, Erik." There. She did it. She finally told him. There was no turning back now. She had jumped off the cliff and there was no way to go but down, but fall. She could feel her palms cold and sweaty as she nervously waited for his reaction. What would he think of her now?
Erik furrowed his brows and looked at her confused. "A child?"
"Yes. A child. My child." She said, motioning a hand towards herself. "I want to have a child. Someone to call my own. Whether I want to admit it to myself or not, I want to be normal, Erik. I've always wanted to have the life 'they' have. And now that I can have that life, I want to have a family, a child at least. I want to have a baby. Someone I can name and care for. A child who will love me no matter who and what I am. I want to become a mother..."
"Enough!" He shouted. "You've become insane, Mystique! You let them get to you --- those humans and their Utopian ideology of what a family is! You're letting them drag you into their own little world of false comfort and white picket fences! Wake up to the truth, Mystique! You can never compensate for all the pain you've endured by having a child! Stop fooling yourself! This is not what you want!"
"I'm not fooling myself, Erik! I want this child! Don't you understand? I want to know what it's like to have someone growing inside of me. I want to hold 'my' baby in 'my' arms. I want to know what it's like to wake up in the morning and find my son or daughter sleeping right next to me." She pleaded. "I want to see my child grow and go to school and have a happy life – the life I never had."
Erik grimaced and shook his in dismay. "You've changed, Raven. You let them change you."
"Maybe you're right. Maybe I've changed. But that's just because the world has. Open your eyes, Erik. The world has changed. If only you'd give it a chance ---"
"Get out!" He yelled. "If you want to have a child, then do so! Play the blind fool and pretend that you're one of 'them'. I don't need you here telling me what to think! Goodbye, Mystique." He wanted her to leave. He didn't want her here, polluting his mind with her new 'human' ideologies.
"But I need you." She replied. How would she tell him?
"Need me? I don't understand." His voice softened. Was she trying to tell him something? Has he become so numb with anger and hate that he could not read between the lines?
"I told you I want to have a child." She continued.
Erik didn't like where this was going.
"I can't have a baby alone, Erik. The child needs a father." She could feel her voice falter for a second. She hoped he now knew what she had been trying to tell him.
He couldn't believe what he was hearing. "You're asking me to..." He clenched his jaw and stared at her firmly. "No, Mystique. No. Not me. Don't get me into this."
"Yes, Erik. I want you to father my child. Despite what's happened between us, I couldn't think of anyone else. I tried. Believe me, I tried. I told myself that I'd find the right man someday, but – I couldn't. I kept on thinking of you, of us. You're the closest person I've ever had in my life. You're the first person I've ever trusted. The pain you caused me was grave. But at the same time I cannot deny what you've given me all these years. You're the reason why I've come this far, Erik. You're the reason why I became this strong. It is because of you that I've survived for as long as I have."
He stepped towards her and brought his face closer to hers. "But that doesn't mean I have to be a part of your plan. I'm not going to be a part of this. I don't want to be. It will only complicate things, can't you see that?" He hissed the words at her. "You may have given up on us mutants, my dear, but I haven't. For me, the war has just begun, and the cure has only fanned its flames. It's either you join me, Mystique, or get out of my way." His voice was hard and rigid. "I don't need you or your theoretical child adding to my present burdens."
Her heart sunk. He rejected her and she felt it. Erik always had a way with words. He had the gift of a silver tongue. And this time, he used it against her. "So that's how you look at me now? I'm now an obstacle to you? An obligation?"
Erik smirked and mockingly ran a finger down her cheek. "My dear Mystique, you become an obstacle to me from the moment you turned into one of 'them'."
His smile turned into a sinister grin and he pulled his hand away from her. He felt the blood on his cheek still trickling from the cut she had given him. He could also still feel its dulling sting. He gently wiped some of the blood that trailed down to his chin and looked at his blood-covered fingers.
"You cut me good. Now if you'll excuse me, I would have to tend to myself now. You know where the door is. Now leave." He said sternly.
He turned around to walk away, when Mystique placed a firm hand on his shoulder. "Wait." He stopped on his tracks with his back facing her. "I don't know how I'll be able to convince you, and I don't know if I ever will...But I really want this child. I've never wanted anything like this before, Erik." She wished she could see the expression on his face. "I've thought it through a million times over...And I made up my mind. You're the only one I want for this."
She squeezed his shoulder gently, in hopes of penetrating the emotional barrier he had built around himself. "Please...Grant me this final request, and I'll do whatever you want. Give me my baby and I'll leave you be. I'll leave and forget about you – and us - and you'll never have to worry about me ever again. You will never be burdened by me or your child. Your blood will flow in his veins but he will have no memory of you. I promise you that."
Erik stood silent. Then he turned his head sideways and looked at her from the corner of his eye. "It's a sin - To conceive a child without love." Then he slowly turned around to face her. "You do not love me, Raven. You love the memory of me. You love the thought of me. You love who I am. But you do not love me. Find a man you will love and who will love you in return. Have the child with him."
Mystique couldn't deny the truth in Erik's cold voice. He rejected her again, but he was right. He was always right. If they had a child, it would be born from a conception without love.
"I'm sorry, Mystique. But I cannot give you what you ask of me. What you want, what you desire - you will not find it here. You will not find it with me." Those were his final words to her.
She kept his eyes on his, still hoping beyond hope that he would reconsider. She stood there, silent and still, and so did he. She thought about what Erik said. He told her to find a man she loved and who would love her in return.
And it dawned to her right then and there...Erik never loved her? Had he never once felt a tinge of pure compassion, pure love for her? Was their relationship so focused on their hatred towards humanity that they themselves have forgotten what it was like to love? As for her, did she ever love him? Truly, deeply, love him, without ever even knowing it? Had she loved him all this time?
"Oh, Erik." She whispered. And she looked at him with so much sadness.
She slowly reached out, and gently placed a hand on his healthy cheek. "Why couldn't you learn to love me? Was I never good enough for you?" Her voice was faint and shaking. She wanted to cry. She wanted to scream. But she had to be strong. She had to hold back her tears. Crying would prove her weakness. Crying would prove that she did not deserve him.
Erik said nothing. He didn't even move. He just stood there, looking back at her, his Mystique. But despite his cold surface, his light blue eyes couldn't hide the hint of affliction in his heart. It pained him to see her like this. This woman, Raven, she was his other half. She had been by his side far longer than anyone's ever had. She was strong, willful, determined, and dangerous. She reminded her of himself.
All the years they've been together, they've developed a bond stronger than friendship – a bond deeper than love. And now she's asking him why he'd never love her. The answer was simple to him, of course, but he knew she would never understand it. If he had let himself fall in love with her, they would have been doomed. Love would have complicated things between them. It would have clouded their judgments and strayed them from their goals. They never needed love to begin with. Love was for those who were weak - Those who surrendered to the desires of their heart --- and the heart was a deceitful thing...a scary thing that can make one do crazy things.
Raven stepped closer to him and he let her. Her body was now just a mere inch away from his and he let her. She kept her hand on his cheek, stroking it gently with her palm and her thumb. She looked into his eyes...Those light blue eyes that were now looking back into her own. She brought her face closer to his, feeling his breath against her skin, her lips almost touching his.
She gently kissed his lower lip. He did not kiss her back, but he did not push her away. He just looked into her eyes. She kissed him again, harder and more passionate this time. But Erik never responded. She broke off the brief kiss and found him still watching her. Mystique could not understand what he wanted now. Did he want her to keep on going? Did he want her to leave?
And he finally spoke. "Fine, then. I will give you your child. But after that, we go our separate ways."
Raven knew she should be happy...But her happiness was only half-filled. For a mere moment there, she actually thought he would finally admit to having loved her somehow. She forced a nearly invisible smile on her lips and nodded her head. "Thank you, Erik." She whispered.
He sneered at her and carelessly grabbed her wrist. He pulled her after him, dragging her along the way as they walked up the stairs. "Don't thank me. I'm not doing this out of the goodness of my heart." He looked at her sideways. "I'm doing this as a payment for what you have done for me in the past."
"Erik! You're hurting me!" She yelped. He was gripping her wrist too tight. Was 'this' going to be a just 'job' for him? Nothing but a form of 'payment' for the loyalty, friendship, and camaraderie they once had? Was he truly this ruthless to turn love-making into something so low and materialistic?
He pulled her with him into his bedroom and closed the door behind him. Raven backed away, distancing herself from him. He scared her.
Magneto noticed the fear in her eyes. "What are you waiting for, Mystique? Isn't this what you wanted? Isn't this what you came here for? You wanted me to give you a child and that's exactly what I'm going to do. No more. No less. Take it or leave it!" He was mocking her.
She felt so weak, and cold. She didn't know why, but she did in that room. There was no warmth in there, no heat, no passion, to prelude what they were about to do. She wanted them to make love. But there was no love in Erik's eyes. He deemed it more of an obligation than anything else.
"I do want it, Erik. But not like this. I didn't think it would be like this." She said to him.
His face was suddenly filled with anger. "What did you think it would be like then, huh? Did you think I would sweep you off your feet and whisper sweet nothings into your ear? I don't want this child, Raven! You do! It's going to be your child! Not mine!" He yelled at her, shouting at the top of his lungs. "You came her, claiming to want to do 'this'. I refuse you. You persist. I say yes, and now you want something more!" His voice filled the room.
"The only thing I can give you is a child in your womb! That is all I can offer!" He wildly pulled his sweater off and threw it on the floor, exposing his bare torso. Then he marched to her and grabbed her by her upper arms, pulling her against him. "What else do you want from me!" He shouted at her face. "What more do you want from me! I've lost everything! Can't you see that! What more can I offer you now!" His grip on her arms tightened.
Delicate streams of tears started to trickle down her cheeks as she looked into his eyes. His grip on her was so tight she wished he would let her go. "I just want you to love me, Erik." She begged. "Maybe this child doesn't need to be conceived without lo--"
Then he kissed her, suddenly and without warning. He kissed her hard and ferociously, forcing his mouth, lips and tongue against hers. Mystique whimpered under her breath. She could feel his teeth grazing the soft skin of her lips. His kiss was too rough, too uncaring, too hungry. He was devouring her alive like some wild animal. She knew she should pull away, but she couldn't...She didn't want to.
He suddenly broke off the merciless kiss, and the two of them found themselves staring into each other's eyes again, with faces so close and breaths so ragged and quick. Mystique didn't know what to think now. Her head still swirled from the feeling of his untamed kiss. Her mind was telling her to leave, to forget about him and go. But her heart and her body was telling her otherwise.
He loosened his grip on her arms. "Why did you have to come here, Raven?" He spoke to her. His voice was stern, but it was soft and concerned. "I let you go. I freed you from our war. I gave you a way out. Why did you have to come back?"
"I had to come back for you, Erik." She replied, looking deep into his eyes. She reached up and gently cupped his cheek with her hand. "I had to come back for you. Don't you get it? Can't you see? I love you. All this time I've loved you. Everything I've done, I've done for you."
Erik frowned. "No. Don't say that." He said firmly. Then he turned his head away from her and pulled her hand away from his face. "You're confused, Raven. You don't know what you want right now." He looked at her again. "You can't love me." He commanded her.
"Why can't I?" Mystique asked. "I love you, Erik! Why can't you accept that? How can you tell me to stop loving you when my heart tells me otherwise?" She exclaimed.
"You only think you love me, Mystique!" He yelled in return. "But the truth is - you feel alone. The cure left you no choice but to join these humans, and now you feel alone in their company. You try to fit in. You try so hard, don't you? To feel like one of them to the point that you want to have a child to feel complete, to feel normal, to feel 'human'. But deep inside you know you are not human. Deep inside you know you are not one of them. And that's why you came here. To find solace in my company. Because I remind you of who you really are. And being with me makes you feel like yourself again. That's it, isn't it, Raven? That's why you think you 'love' me. But let me tell you something, my dear. That is not 'love'. You want it to be but it is not."
Mystique remained silent. She wanted to deny what he said. She wanted to tell him that he was lying, and that she truly loved him. But she couldn't help but feel as if he had just read her thoughts. Everything he said, everything he told her, were the truths she never wanted to tell herself.
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TBC ;)!
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