Chapter 2: Brian the Teacher

After making the deal, Brian got into the front passenger seat, Peter sat behind him, trying to squeeze in his extra fat, and Chris got in the driver's seat. Brian turned to Chris to start the lesson.

"Okay, Chris, the first thing you do when you start driving is place your hands on the steering wheel at 9:00 and 3:00," Brian said.

Chris looked very confused. "What do you mean, Brian?"

"Look, Chris, the steering wheel is round like a clock, right? Okay, then, on a clock, 9:00 and 3:00 are across from each other, and they are the most horizontal position. In other words, place one hand on the left side and one hand on the right side so that they're both level from each other."

"Gee, Brian, what the hell does that have to do with driving? You already suck as a teacher!" exclaimed Peter.

"I'm just trying to teach the kid the proper way to be adjusted in the car before taking off. But he's making it hard because he doesn't understand," Brian said.

"Um…what am I supposed to do again?" Chris asked, sticking his finger up his nose. Brian sighed and grabbed Chris's wrists to position them on the steering wheel. "What the hell are you doing, Brian! Are you gay or something? Don't touch me!"

"I'm not gay," Brian sighed in disbelief. "I'm showing you where to place your hands on the steering wheel." Chris allowed Brian to do so. "Now, can you remember that? Place your hands on the steering wheel in that position."

"I want a cookie," Chris said.

"Later," Brian sighed. "Look, we've got to move on now. Next step is to fasten your seat belt." Chris took his seat belt and fastened it. "Wow. I don't believe it. You actually got that right without any frustration," Brian said in awe. But his surprised expression faded to one of grief when he saw Chris take the seat belt out and unfasten it, then fasten it again, fasten, unfasten, fasten, unfasten, and so on. "CHRIS!" Brian shouted. Chris stopped playing with his seat belt and looked at Brian. "Fasten your seat belt and leave it alone!" Chris sadly fastened his seat belt. "Okay, now. Check your mirrors to see if you can clearly see around your car with them," Brian said.

"All clear, dude," Chris said.

"All right, start the car," Brian said.

"How do I do that?" Chris asked.

"What do you mean how?" Brian asked. "Didn't Peter teach you anything?"

"No, dude. Dad just did all that stuff for me and let me play with the gas pedal and steering wheel." Chris said.

Brian looked in the backseat at Peter, who giggled his famous laugh. "You call yourself a teacher?" Brian said disgustedly. "A teacher doesn't do anything for the student. He shows him how to do it so the student can learn."

"I'm sorry, Brian, I wasn't paying attention," Peter said.

Brian sighed. "Chris, see the key in the steering column?"

"Yes," Chris said.

"Take the key and turn it toward the engine," Brian said. Chris successfully started the car. "Good job. Now, before we do anything else –" Brian was suddenly interrupted when Chris mashed the gas pedal. The engine revved very loudly. "Just what the hell do you think you're doing!" barked Brian.

"I'm driving," Chris said.

"No you're not! You have to put it in 'drive' first!"

"Okay, dude," Chris said, shifting to drive.

"No, damn it!" Brian shouted. The station wagon was facing toward the garage, and Chris mashed the gas pedal and whooshed through the garage door and out the back wall. Brian and Peter screamed as Chris took them through the backyard, through several other neighbors' lawns, and finally, through the woods.

The car suddenly began to run out of gas, unbeknownst to Chris. Suddenly, a wild bear chased the Griffins. "Chris, step on it!" ordered Peter.

"I can't, Dad," Chris said. "The car won't go any faster."

Brian checked the gas gauge. "Oh my gosh, the car's out of gas! All right, now, whatever we do, don't get out of the car," Brian said. "Lock the doors, and –" he stopped when he realized he was only talking to himself. Peter and Chris had opened the car doors and ran away. The bear started to chase them, but it saw Brian in the car and started chasing Brian. Brian followed Chris and Peter as the bear chased the three of them.