Disclaimer- Harry Potter belongs to J.K.R.
No More Miss Nice Girl
Chapter 20
/Empty eyes stared out across the white sterile room. A great numbness had spread throughout her body. Confusion racked through her brain underneath the heavy layers of disbelief and cold shock. Pain, both physical and emotional, ran through her. She didn't understand what happened? How it could happen? Why it happened? At least the child in her couldn't. The logical part, buried deeply underneath her confusion, did though. Rationalized it, and understood what happened.
She didn't want to believe it though. That would mean what had happened had been real. Would mean that he was really gone. Would mean that she was alone. Would mean that nothing would ever be the same again. Would mean that it was real. This morbid nightmare was real.
Maybe that was all it was though, a nightmare. A lifelike nightmare where she could feel everything. Yes that was it. It was just a nightmare. A nightmare where any minute now she would wake up and find him laughing and her family, which was built on a foundation of love, would sit down and eat breakfast together again. That had to be it. He wasn't gone. That was just absolutely absurd. Especially after he promised he would always be there for her, be there with her through life. There was just no way that this could be anything but a nightmare.
So why hadn't she woken up yet?
There was a logical explanation for that. She was just tired and needed the sleep. Even if she was plagued with nightmares such as these. That was it; she was exceptionally tired and didn't wish to wake up. It had to be.
The heavy door opened. She didn't register it though. Didn't do anything but sit on the cold floor in the corner with her knees drawn up and stare lifelessly at the white wall opposite from her. She didn't look up when people entered and the door closed again behind them. She didn't give them any acknowledgment when her name was said. Didn't move. Didn't breath. Didn't do anything but sit there, breath, stare, and try to sort through her internal confusion and pain.
She didn't try to fight, didn't register it, when someone took hold of her chin and tilted her face up to peer down at her. Her eyes stayed unfocused, not recognizing who stood and surrounded her. Didn't give any outward sign or react to the little light shinning in her eyes. Her head drifted back to its position of staring at the opposite wall when her chin was released. Her mind didn't, couldn't, make sense of the words that were being spoken around her.
"Shock. I don't think she's realized yet what's happened, instead using a defense mechanism and retreating into her mind. We've seen it before. Some are able to overcome and recover from it, others can't handle the reality of it and become suicidal." She didn't respond to the words.
An inhale of breath could be heard. "Will she be okay though? What can we do?"
"Mrs. Evans the best thing you can do is to get her counseling, be there for her, and let her know it wasn't her fault. Sometimes in cases like these the patient believes it's their fault, that they should have been the victim."
Victim? Her eyes traveled upward. She stared at her parents and the stranger. The stranger, who was he? It was irrelevant. It didn't matter. Eyes turned to her. She looked up at the worried and tear-filled dark eyes of her mother, the cold hard blue eyes of her father, and the pale blue eyes of the stranger. A doctor, her foggy mind concluded from the white coat and overall appearance of the man. That would mean she was in a hospital.
'A nightmare within a nightmare.' She commented dryly in her head.
The doctor kneeled in front of her so he could almost be at eye level with her. "Lily? I'm Dr. Craskton. Do you know where you are?"
Her brows furrowed. Of course she knew where she was. If he was a doctor, then this was obviously a hospital. She shifted her eyes from his face to her mother's, before looking back at Dr. Craskton. She regarded him warily. She hated doctors. She always had.
"You're at St. Thomas' Hospital. You've been in an accident. Do you understand?" Dr. Craskton asked gently.
She swallowed hard. "Ma…" Her voice was patchy and hoarse, unable to finish what she was trying to say.Her eyes left the doctors face, darting around before settling on the mother's, who face had contorted with absolute pain and misery, while her father's remained its everlasting stoic mask. Her attention returned to the close-cropped curly haired doctor.
"Max…" She sounded pitiful.
"Miss Evans-"
She ignored him. "He came to pick me up from Kings Cross with Chad because he didn't have a license… Driving, and he wanted me to show him something I'd learned… and I… said 'k…" It was hard for her to talk, her throat constricting and her thoughts and heart speeding up.
"Max…" Her voice was stronger and louder this time. She looked around and caught her parent's eyes. She had look away from the anger and shock.
"Miss Evans there was an acc-"
"NO!" She stood up swiftly. A nightmare, that was all this was. It wasn't real. Dr. Craskton wasn't real. None of it was real.
"MAX!" Hysteria was fast to move in and settle. She pressed her hands tightly against her ears, balling her fist up in her loose hair that was in need of a good wash.
"MAX!" Her scream was shrill and broken; there was no mistaking the heart wrenching grief. She tossed her head back, ignoring the pain as her head smashed against the hard wall because of her close proximity to it. It was welcomed. Again and again she pounded her head against the wall, screaming and calling out pitifully and brokenly for Max, struggling when she felt hands grip her arms.
"MAX!" It was a continuous screaming rant. The only thing that left her mouth. "MAX! MAX! MAX! MAX!"
She felt herself being pressed to the bed. "Max, No!" She dry sobbed, ignoring the needle breaking her skin.
Where was he? Why wasn't she waking up? Cold dread ran through her. Her chest hurt like a massive juggernaut was crashing and making residence in her being. She felt herself slipping from consciousness, darkness beginning to overcome her. She began to calm, though the ache didn't. It only intensified now that she didn't have physical pain to focus on.
"Max…" She moaned pure emerald eyes stared up at the ceiling, torment and blinding hurt shown brightly. "Ma-"/
She blinked. Jolted out of her depressing reverie, she was left with painful confusion and recollection. She remembered that day like it had happened only yesterday. Remembered it with such clarity. How long had it been though? Eight? Nine years? So very long ago. Despite the years though, the gnawing ache never ceased. Each year without him only intensified her painful feelings. How many years had it been since that particular memory resurfaced? How long had it been since she actually stopped and thought of him. She never forgot him, but she had always repressed her memories of him tightly in the back of her mind. They were too painful, even though old they still felt fresh.
She closed her eyes tightly, her brow scrunching up, and her hands came to cover her eyes and top of her cheeks. She swallowed loudly, a shudder ripping its way through her body. She had never told anyone about him, or what had happened.She hadn'teven told Kristi.
Slowly she sat up from her prone position on her bed, where she had come to get away from the noise and alleviate her throbbing head. If she had known she would suddenly be plagued by such memories as those she would have stuck with the noisy crowd. She scooted backward until her back was pressed against her pillows and headboard, and drew her knees up tightly against her chest. It was a comfort position of hers that she had adopted ages ago. Resting her elbows on her knees, she rested her closed eyes against the heel of her hand.
A magnificent inferno of anger swelled within the depths of her, beating at her inner torment. Anger toward her parents. Anger toward Petunia. Anger toward Dr. Craskton. Toward her Aunt Betja and Uncle Samuel. Anger toward Hogwarts. Anger toward the world. Anger toward him… toward herself.
"Fuck." She mumbled. Her voice came out as a husky groan, breaking only slightly. No tears ran down her face though. Never tears. Tears weren't allowed, not in her world. They hadn't been allowed in her world even before her Hogwarts days. Tears solved nothing and were useless assets. They didn't ease the pain. They didn't make things go away. Positively and completely useless.
Her father had taught her that. Had taught everyone in their family that.
Another shudder slithered through her body. Her father had always been a hard, stoic man. Even before the accident, her father had shown little feelings toward his family. She supposed it was because of his father, her Grandfather Joe Evans, or just Grandfather Evans. Joe Evans had been hard on his family. Punishing them for the slightest thing they did, drilling it into their brains his own twisted right and wrong and beating them if they ever cried. At least that was what was always told to Lily. Her father though stoic and hard, had never in all the years Lily had known the man, laid a hand on any of his children or wife. Out of all her father's brothers and sisters, he was the only one who hadn't turned into an abuser. The only trait, or characteristics, that he still carried was his 'No tears allowed' policy. It was something that was repeatedly told to Lily and everyone else that had been in her household.
She didn't want to think of her father though, didn't want to think period. Thinking often led to memories and thoughts she wanted banished. Thoughts she didn't want floating, roaming, and existing in her head. She wished at times she were incapable of thinking. A foolish and highly impractical wish she knew, but she couldn't stop herself from thinking it anyways.
She ran her hands through her ruby red tresses, gathering all her hair up in her hands before letting the locks go. She turned, put her feet on the floor, and placed her hands palm side down on either side of her to press against the bed, ignoring the discomfort coming from the crescent shaped wounds on her palm. She hung her head before pushing up and off the bed. She walked over to a window, opened it, and looked out. She laced her fingers together at the nap of her neck underneath her hair and leaned her elbows on the sill of the window; she didn't care about her mussed hair or the cool wind whipping at her and creating a deep red jungle of tangles.
Alone. That was the way she liked it. Alone she could bare her soul, let her guard down, and expose herself to the emptiness. She loved Kristi. She truly did. She was her best friend, her confidant, and her sister. Yes, she allowed herself the pleasure of lowering her shields and letting her see her true self, part of her soul. Only part though. Kristi knew her best of all, but there were certain aspects of her life Lily had never shared. Had never thought about sharing with her. It wasn't because she didn't trust her because she did. She was just unable to. Unable to let someone completely inside. Unable to completely expose her soul, her heart, to any one person.
It was a fault all of her own.
With a shaky breath she pushed away from the window. She ran a hand through her hair, winced when her fingers snagged on tangles, and quickly ran a brush through the locks none to gently. She slipped into pair of black Skater Sneakers with red shoelaces to match her red tank top, randomly wondered if any of the girls she shared a room with had athlete's foot and hoped they didn't, and ran a hand through her loose shoulder length hair before grabbing a jacket and walking toward the closed door.
Before exiting the room, she once again drew in a breath and closed her eyes. She couldn't leave the empty dorm room, which had temporarily turned into her sanctuary, to face a castle full of people with frazzled nerves. Quickly steeling and composing herself she left the dorm room with an air of undisturbed indifference and confidence, never showing the slightest trace of the inner swirl of eddying emotions. Her face and body was wiped of anything but cool, calm, and collected attitude.
She did a quick observation of the commons room. Kristi, the person she was foremost looking for, wasn't to be seen. Her lips quirked into a slight frown. She really didn't feel like traipsing all over the castle just to find her wayward friend. An ill mood began to creep over her. She really hadn't wanted to leave the commons rooms today. She had just wanted a quiet evening in, seeing how no one was around including Kristi.
'What did you expect? Kristi to just wait around until you felt well enough to go anywhere?' She asked herself sarcastically. A part of her though, she felt almost ashamed to admit, had expected Kristi to wait. She shook herself mentally.
'Kristi didn't just come here to watch me have my fun. She's allowed, encouraged, to have her own fun… even if it is without me. I mean I did say I wanted to be alone to try and get rid of my headache. That was what? Two hours ago… Of course she wouldn't still be waiting here for me. But where the hell is she?' She conversed with herself silently.
Lily shook her head and squeezed the bridge of her nose. She would just have her quiet evening in, and then when Kristi returned from wherever they could go out somewhere. Yes that was it. That was what she would do. With that decision figuratively in hand, she crossed the room to sit on the couch in front of the blazing fire. She tucked her legs in underneath her and settled against a fluffy pillow. Her fingers tapped the arm of the couch. Within less than two minutes she had hopped up and bounded out of Hogwarts' graduates' chamber.
Lily Evans was not one to sit idle.
She aimlessly wandered. Fifteen minutes. Thirty minutes. Forty-five minutes. An hour. Her ill mood had turned extremely sour. Still no Kristi. Still no anybody.
"Where the fuck is she?" She grumbled agitatedly underneath her breath.
"Looking for someone Evans?"
She stopped. Her head fell back and her eyes rolled. She couldn't stop the annoyed sound from escaping her mouth.
'You hate me don't you?' She asked, directing her question upward.
She turned and couldn't hide her annoyance. Than again she didn't really try. "Potter, leave me alone."
Her eyes couldn't help but stray to the purplish mark on his neck. Satisfaction welled up inside of her along with pride. He wasn't even trying to hide the mark. She wondered how Crystal must be reacting. She smiled unpleasantly.
"Leave you alone? Where would the fun in that be?" It was a sarcastic quip.
Her red eyebrows both raised a fraction. "Fun? You'd be able to walk tomorrow from not getting your ass beat." She had every intention to carry out her threat if he didn't leave her alone. She was in no mood to deal with his arrogant and infuriating ways. Not today.
He waved the threat aside. "Yes, yes. And if I left you alone you'd be able to walk tomorrow."
Confusion induced her mind, before comprehension took over. 'Little shit.'
"Fucking pervert. What makes you think I'd touch you again? Hell what makes you think you're so great in the sack?" Her anger was quick and growing. The sparks from her earlier rage rekindling from where they had almost been dampened.
He walked toward her. Dark eyes never left her face, and his mouth was set in an unnerving twist. He stopped right in front of her. She was forced to look up at him, while he looked down at her. Honestly did he have to be so tall? There was barely a millimeter between them, but Lily refused to back down. She wouldn't let him know that he unnerved her, intrigued her. If only she knew.
He raised a large hand. She visibly stiffened. She allowed him to touch her cheek and trail his hand down the smooth expanse of her neck. She glared at him; eyes emerald ice. She didn't stop him from placing his other hand on her hip. Didn't stop him from sliding his hand up under her black zip up windbreaker and red tank top. Didn't stop his thumb from tracing warm circles on her skin. Didn't notice, or didn't care, that his other hand had unzipped her jacket and was massaging her very white and exposed shoulder. She was too caught up with glaring ice at him to notice, too caught up in the intensity of the eye contact as his dark eyes bore into hers.
It didn't register as he maneuvered her against the wall. Pressed his hard body against hers, inserting a knee between her thighs. Such intimate eye contact. She tried to decipher what was lurking in his eyes. What dark things haunted such dark chocolate orbs? They maintained the intense gaze as he slowly, almost hesitantly, lowered his head. His lips met her pale unresponsive ones. All the fierce harshness and frantic passion from the previous day was gone, replaced by a hesitant tenderness. A gentle tenderness that was unknown to them.
Her eyes were open, staring into his dark eyes. Not in a romantic way. In an analyzing sort of way. Observing and calculating. He gently moved his lips against hers. She neither pushed him away nor encouraged him. His hand left her shoulder and cupped her cheek, the tips of his fingers brushing her hair. He drew her bottom lip into his mouth, worrying it between his teeth. He gently released it, seeking entrance to her mouth. After several long seconds, she complied. He entered her warm mouth, his tongue meeting hers. She slowly kissed him back, her mouth moving lightly over his. Her hand found purchase at his trim waist, while the other she softly lay against his smooth cheek, her thumb caressing the side of his chin.
His hand had moved, now interwoven with her soft red locks. He held the back of her head gently, making sure not to hurt her. His other hand was at the small of her back pushing her closer to him, and keeping her from pulling away from him. His thumb rubbed circles over her soft skin. The need to breath became too much. They pulled apart. He rested his head upon hers, still keeping her unwavering gaze.
She drew in a shuddering breath. "What are you doing?"
His face was closed down, not giving her anything. "Doing?"
She didn't have the energy or will to renew her dulled anger. "What game are you playing at, Potter?"
"Game?"
"Stop fucking repeating what I say as if you don't have any clue as to what I'm referring to." It was too weak to be a snap, but to cold to be kind.
He tightened his grip on her and pulled her closer, while pressing himself closer to her. "No game Evans."
"I don't believe you." The soft intensity of her voice made him want to wince.
A sound from down the corridor made her tense. Voices perhaps? She didn't draw her eyes away from him though. They held the intimate gaze. Even when she pushed him away they retained it. Though her eyes were hard, she wasn't glaring. Her brows were slightly furrowed, her lips slightly parted. She looked thoroughly kissed, and her hair was mussed again.
"I saw Kristi in the library, with Arabella." His deep voice was neutral.
Lily didn't say anything. She stood frozen for only a second before abruptly breaking eye contact and slowly walking away, pulling her jacket up and zipping it again. She didn't look back once. He let her go.
A/N- I'm not sure what I'm feeling about this chapter… Oh well review. Again with the 'they motivate me' thing. You guys are the best. Also if you have any question ask in a review, and I'll answer back… Just thought I'd let you know.
ZombieGurl98
Always & Forever