Author's Note: Because this can't be explained in third person limited--Illyria noticed Jayne's resemblance to Hamilton because Hamilton beat the crap out of her personally. Spike took a hard look at Mal but dismissed his resemblance to Caleb as coincidence. The last time Angel and Fred saw Jasmine, she was covered in maggots, and Zoe didn't make them feel all lovey-dovey peaceful the way Jasmine did.

That's my explanation, and I'm stickin' to it.

Also, yes. Jayne and Illyria. Consider yourself warned. However, since this is one of mine, there won't be no explicit sexin', if any sexin' at all.

Chapter Three

"Why don't we start with vampires?" Mal said, leaning back and crossing his arms. "Because I still ain't convinced."

Another day, another apocalypse, Spike thought. And another skeptic.

But, hey! Freddi was alive, which was definitely on the plus side of the equation. And he'd managed to grab a seat next to her. Not that he was going to make any sort of move toward romancing the scientist just yet, not after what they'd been through, and if she had any sense at all (which she did) she probably wouldn't have him anyway, but it wouldn't hurt to let her know that he was here for her, and now his brain was just rambling and Shut up already. Bloody hell. But the fact that Fred wasn't dead made him practically giddy, and it was hard to contain himself. He settled for sitting closer to her than was strictly necessary.

He could already see that Mal and Angel were going to butt heads like bighorn sheep on a mountainside. Too much alike, they were. Right. Enough pussyfooting around.

He vamped.

Mal flinched violently, while Book looked intrigued and Angel glared. "Spike..."

"What? You could sit here arguing about whether vampires exist or not for bloody hours, or we could just cut to the chase. I'd like to see them argue with this." He gestured at his face.

"You could just be...doing...that." Mal seemed to realize exactly how ridiculous that sounded as the words came out of his mouth. "Okay, point proved," he said grudgingly. "What's it got to do with me and mine?"

"Maybe not anything, other than the fact that you're the ones they picked to transport Angel where they wanted him," Fred said, as Spike let his face go back to normal. "Well, that, and...it's an apocalypse. In your backyard."

"Seems like a pretty big assumption to make," Zoe said. "How do you know it's an apocalypse?"

"What month is it?" Spike asked.

"May, according to Santo's calendar," Book answered. "Why?"

Spike exchanged glances with Fred and Angel. "Apocalypse," they said together.

"I'll get on the Cortex and see what I can find out," Fred said, rising.

"Our little research goddess," Spike commented fondly as she left. Angel shot him another glare, letting him know that he was overstepping his bounds. Like he cared what Angel thought.

"What sort of scope are we looking at for this apocalypse?" Book asked. "We've got thirty planets and hundreds of moons in this system. Billions of people. Are all of them in danger? And how can we stop it? Or can we stop it at all?"

"We've stopped a few in our time." Angel drummed his fingers on the table. "I guess it depends on what we find when we get to Santo."

"Which has gone dark. There's a happy thought." Mal looked pensive. "Fred likely to find anything on the Cortex?"

"If anyone can, it'll be her," Spike said. "We're two days out? Might want to weapon up and get some training in. No telling what we'll find when we get there."

:-:

Slayer. The word was, at the same time, completely alien and utterly familiar. River had always known that the people at the Academy wanted to turn her into a weapon, but she hadn't realized the extent of what they were trying to accomplish.

Neither had they. No one had thought through the ramifications of creating an insane genius with super-strength and no inhibitions. Simon was horrified and looking for a way to stop whatever process they'd started, using some of the Shepherd's books.

River, for her part, wasn't sure how she felt about the whole thing. The only extant demons in the solar system seemed to be the three that had appeared on the ship, and none of them were actually evil. She wondered if the dimensional rift that had allowed free rein to demons was confined to Earth-That-Was. Maybe Fred would find the answer to that on the Cortex.

:-:

"Oh. Oh!" Fred sat at the keyboard in the cockpit. "That's what happened. And that's what's happening. Those sneaky bastards."

"What? What sneaky bastards?" Wash said.

"Wolfram and Hart. They've managed to turn Earth into hell and basically destroyed the place, so they're expanding their horizons. Starting here. And the Slayers..." She jumped to her feet. "I need to tell the others."

"No one ever tells me anything," Wash mumbled, setting the boat on autopilot and trailing behind her.

:-:

"They're opening a Hellmouth on Santo, if they haven't done it already." Standing at the head of the table in the kitchen, Fred twisted her fingers together nervously.

"What's a Hellmouth?" Mal said.

"A dimensional rift that allows demons access to your plane of existence," Illyria answered.

"You guys haven't seen vampires, demons, or Slayers here, right? No aliens?" Fred looked at Book, who shook his head. "I guess vampires and demons don't travel well on spaceships, so they were stuck on Earth, and all the dimensions that were attached to Earth. None of which had any attachments here. For some reason, this solar system is isolated. Lucky you."

"Makes me wonder if the people in charge of picking this system knew something," Angel said. "What else did you find out, Fred?"

"When Willow did the spell that activated all the Slayers? It used up all the Slayer juice. After that generation, there weren't anymore."

"Lovely," Spike commented. "So, it's our little band of buggered against the forces of Hell, Incorporated. I think I've danced this dance before. Did we win last time?"

"Yeah," Angel said. "Gunn and I couldn't find you or Illyria, afterwards, though."

"Charlie lived? Good on him!"

"Married Anne at the shelter and wound up with fat grandkids."

"Aww!" Fred said. "I sure wish I coulda seen that." Even Illyria smiled.

"Not wantin' to interrupt old home week here, but ain't there a matter of a little apocalypse to attend to?" Mal sounded cranky.

"We should find a way of activating the Slayers again," Spike said. "By your leave, of course, ladies." He nodded to River and Zoe. "Confining it to these two would be a plus, I think. Last time, we didn't exactly think the issue through and wound up with Dana. I'd rather keep my arms, if it's all the same to everyone else."

River nodded gravely. "A crazy Slayer would be bad news."

"River can't be a Slayer!" Simon wrapped his arm protectively around his sister. "Look, I've spent my whole being on keeping her safe. Turning her into some sort of vampire-slash-demon-killer girl seems like the opposite of that."

"That is her choice," Illyria said. "If you prevent her from choosing, then you are no better than those at the Academy who drugged her and operated on her against her will."

"How did you--"

"Jayne and I have spoken of many things. He explained the concept of family to me and expressed great admiration for your dedication to River." Illyria turned to Angel. "I wish Jayne to be my Qwa'ha Zahn. I have had a fanatic zealot and a broken genius. Someone simpler, who sees the world clearly, is more to my liking. Also, I approve of his muscles."

"Qwa'ha what?" Mal said.

"I require a guide."

"He works for me! Jayne! What the hell?" Mal's chair flew backwards and hit the bulkhead when he stood up.

Jayne put up his hands. "First I've heard of it, Cap'n. Not that I mind overmuch."

"No, you wouldn't, would you?"

Angel tried to smooth things over. "Well, before we figure any of that out, we have to get through this other thing first."

Wash raised his hand. "Not to sound like a big fat coward or anything, but why are we going toward the nasty apocalypse? Shouldn't we turn the ship around and skedaddle the other direction?"

"How much fuel we got?" Mal said, leaning against the wall and crossing his arms.

Wash opened his mouth to answer, closed it again, and then said sheepishly, "Enough to get us to Santo."

"Guess we're kinda stuck, then, ain't we?" Mal didn't sound happy about the fact, but there it was, sitting among them like a toad on a cake.

"Just hope we don't wind up stuck on Santo. It's not even a nice place to visit, and I sure don't want to live there. Can we just get fuel and leave again? Is participation in the apocalypse optional?"

"This isn't your fight," Angel said. "If you want to just dump us off and leave, that's fine."

"I kinda think it is our fight, actually," Jayne said. They all turned to him with various expressions of shock, because it was Jayne saying it. "What? Our whole 'verse is bein' threatened, and the only folks who know how to deal with it are right here on this boat. Hell, it's our fight more'n theirs, way I figure it. Seein' as we live here and all."

Illyria looked satisfied. "This is why I chose Jayne as my Qwa'ha Zahn."

"At least we've got a god-king on our side," Spike said.

"Been my experience that gods is powerful useless," Mal answered, with a grim finality that closed the book on any response.

Spike didn't catch that particular signal. "Not in this case. We might be able to use her to make River and Zoe into Slayers."

Wash was alarmed as the implications hit him. He grabbed Zoe's hand. "Lambie-toes?"

"No!" Simon said at the same time. "River! Didn't you say that an insane Slayer would be bad news?"

"Your sister is not insane," Illyria said.

"Um, what?" Mal asked. "Sorry to say this, little girl," he said to River, "but you're the craziest person I ever met."

"Insanity is defined by a disconnect to reality, is it not?" Illyria crossed her arms. "River is completely connected to reality. Thus, she is not insane. She only appears insane to you because you do not see what she does."

Simon blinked. "That's an...interesting...way to look at it. But she doesn't process the information correctly."

"She processes it differently. This is not necessarily the wrong way." Illyria stood up. "I will not argue this with you. If you wish me to aid in activating your Slayers, you will find me in the cargo hold." She swept out of the room.

Jayne jumped up. "I should, uh, go after her. See if she, uh, needs anything."

"Ain't you done enough?" Mal asked his mercenary's retreating back.

"Wonder if he's gonna get to sex her?" Kaylee said wistfully.

Mal put his face in his hand. "Kaylee, I did not need that mental image. My entire crew's gone fung luh. Gaoyang zhong de guyang..."

:-:

Jayne found Illyria pounding her fist into the box that Angel had been in. It was dented. "Stupid, useless, human vermin," she muttered to herself. "Talk, talk, talk, is all they ever do, when action will bring matters to a speedy and satisfying conclusion."

Jayne sat down on an empty cargo container. "I hear ya. Seems like a no-brainer to me that if we're gonna walk into a Hellmouth, might be smart to have some extra, I don't know, Slayer muscle on our side."

"They argue and debate when the solution is clear. It makes me wish to do violence." She sat, forcefully, beside him.

"Wash is always braggin' about his 'Warrior Woman,' but she gets a chance to be a real warrior and he goes all bibbledy about it." Jayne was feeling a bit grumpy about the whole thing hisownself. "Guess I can sorta see Simon's point, but ain't River better off bein' able to defend herself than not?"

"They fear what they do not understand. However, they will come to the correct conclusion eventually. They are not stupid, simply recalcitrant. The constant jabber bored me, so I retired." She placed her hand on his leg, but looked down at the floor, seeming suddenly shy, which was pretty funny, all things considered. "I am glad you followed."

Her hand on his leg sent a tingle straight to his nethers. She hadn't hit him before when he'd wrapped his arm around her, so now seemed like a good time to do it again. He squeezed her some and planted a kiss on top of her head.

He sure weren't ready for what happened next. Suddenly, her lips were on his, them unnatural-colored eyes wide open and staring, gauging his reaction. Two seconds of confused shock, and then his instincts kicked in, and he started struggling. "Mmph!"

She disengaged, frowning. "You do not wish this? I thought...the shell's memories showed me what to do..."

"It ain't that! Lord, it ain't that. It's just...you surprised me, is all. I don't never kiss girls on the lips."

She done that head tilt that made him all weak in the knees. "Why?"

"I had a bad experience once't." That memory of waking up with empty pockets and a burning headache reared its ugly head again. "Not that I think you'll do me like that, but it's sorta become second nature to me to just...not kiss there."

"Humans are odd. You plainly wish to copulate with me, but when I initiate the contact that is supposedly the prelude to such, you pull away." She crossed her arms and stared at the floor. "I do not understand."

"Aw, don't be thataway." He almost called her "babydoll," but stopped himself in time. An endearment such as that probably wouldn't go over too good with the God-King of the Primordium, and he'd pissed her off enough already. "I just weren't ready, right then, for you to kiss me."

Her head stayed down, but her eyes came up. Damn if they wasn't the most interestin' color. "Are you ready now?"

And, of course, he knew the right answer to that question. He weren't completely stupid.

TBC...