The Doctor pulled another wire out from underneath the TARDIS console. The TARDIS chittered in protest but the Doctor just scowled at her.
"You know I've got to rewire, you'll just have to put up with it," he said irritably. In truth he was being unnecessarily harsh.
As he went to pull another wire out he burnt his hand and cried out in pain. It was the final straw; he broke down into uncontrollable sobs. He'd found himself crying over the littlest thing nowadays ever since Rose had died.
Companions had died on him before, had left with a teary goodbye, but it had never hurt as much before. He felt like part of his soul had died with Rose. She'd been his best friend, his other half, his soul mate. He blamed himself of course for her death. She'd been trying to save him ad ended up getting caught in the cross fire, dying instantly before he even had a chance to say goodbye.
The Doctor didn't remember much that happened after that. Somehow he'd defeated the bad guys in a daze, all the time his head only thinking about one thing; Rose's final moments.
The TARDIS dimmed its lights soothingly as the Doctor cried. There wasn't much the time ship could do to comfort her master. She couldn't touch the Doctor, couldn't hug him, not like Rose had been able to.
When he'd finally opened up and told her about the Time War and what really happened, Rose hadn't said anything, she'd simply hugged him and held his hand as he relived his worst memories.
The Doctor cried harder, pushing himself under the console and hugging his knees. He couldn't bear to be without Rose. It was too painful. He felt like his hearts were being ripped out of his chest.
The worst part had been taking Rose's body back to her Jackie. It had seemed so wrong to touch Rose when she wasn't alive. The Doctor had had to lay her lifeless body on the TARDIS metal grating and steer the TARDIS to the Powell Estate.
He almost couldn't bear to look at her. It just wasn't right that he, the Time Lord responsible for so many deaths, should live on when Rose Tyler had died aged only nineteen. She hadn't even turned twenty yet. They'd been planning to come home to celebrate her birthday with her mum, but that idea was now shattered.
The Doctor had hugged Rose's body close to his own as he carried her across the Powell Estate towards Jackie Tyler who had frozen at the bottom of the stairs. She knew instantly Rose was dead, the look on the Doctor's face was all she needed. Jackie didn't cry immediately. She whispered a thank you to the Doctor and took Rose from him.
He'd gone back to the TARDIS, done what he always did, run away. The Doctor had flown the TARDIS a week into the future and returned for Rose's funeral. The ceremony had been too domestic for the Doctor to attend but he'd been there when they buried her body. When all the relatives had left he'd wandered over and laid flowers on her grave. Not normal Earth flowers, they had come from a planet he and Rose had visited once. She'd said how beautiful the flowers were and how she'd asked if she could take some back to her mum.
He'd let her and as far as the Doctor knew, Jackie still had them. In the Earths atmosphere they could last up to twenty years.
The Doctor's whole body shook underneath the TARDIS console. He felt like he'd never stop crying. He'd lost another person who'd meant the world to him and he didn't know how he could go on.
Life didn't seem worth living anymore. He'd gone back to the wreck that had survived the war. The TARDIS had once more hidden anything the Doctor could harm himself with, but it didn't seem to matter. The Doctor didn't intend to hurt himself. He knew that Rose had died because he deserved to suffer. He caused the Time War and now he was paying for what he'd done.
After leaving Rose's grave the Doctor had gone to find Jack. At first Jack didn't recognise the Doctor, since he'd not been present for the regeneration, but his joy at meeting his old friend again soon turned to despair when he learned what had happened to Rose. The Doctor's other friend broke down in front of him and the Doctor didn't know how he'd managed to keep it together.
He still closed himself up, never letting anyone see further than the pair of now dead looking eyes. He only mourned in private. It made him hurt more really because he felt no one understood.
The Doctor stopped eating, stopped sleeping; he shut himself off, not landing the TARDIS for months at a time. He knew he was making himself ill but he couldn't care less about himself anymore.
When he did drop off to sleep, on those rare occasions, he could still feel Rose's touch in his dreams; hear her voice as she laughed at something he'd said. The Doctor would hug her, kiss her, do all the things he longed to do and never got the chance too, until he woke up and remembered. He'd feel worse then, realising he should've told her how he felt before she died.
Whenever he let his thoughts drift to Rose, his hearts would break, his stomach would sink and he would be able to think of nothing but her last moments. It was the worst possible pain in the world. A huge hole in his soul that he felt would never heal. No one would ever be able to fill the gap in his life.
He would be alone. The single Time Lord, destined to float through time and space forever; hurting. Sometimes he wanted to scream, to hurt himself, just to give himself another pain to think about.
He missed Rose so much it was unbearable. He wished he could make the pain go away, but then he felt guilty, like he was betraying Rose's memory. That's when he'd wish she was still alive, when he'd think about the fact that he could go back and save her.
But he knew he couldn't. She was within reach and yet so far away from him. He wiped his face and tried to distract himself by looking at the wires underneath the TARDIS console but he couldn't be bothered anymore.
He couldn't go back, and if h couldn't let go of the past there was no chance of him being able to look to the future.
That was when it occurred to him. He could go back, just to say goodbye. Standing up he set the TARDIS in flight, unsure of how he was going to find Rose without bumping into himself. In the end he decided that he'd deal with it when he got there.
He opened the TARDIS doors and saw he had landed in the same place he'd parked all those months ago when he'd first met Rose. Pulling his brown trench coat around his shoulders he walked out, head held high, despite his red eyes and dark look.
Wandering through town, he let his feet direct him. He ended up walking all the way to the Powell Estate where a sorrowful looking Rose was sat on the floor crying into her arms, her back against a wall.
The Doctor approached tentatively, sitting down next to Rose. She didn't look up, but her sobs grew quieter.
"Are you ok?" The Doctor asked, looking at her carefully.
"Yeah," Rose replied looking up finally. She smiled half heartedly at the kind looking man sat next to her. "Just had a fight with my mum is all. I'll be alright in a minute."
"Been one of those days has it?" The Doctor asked, rubbing his sore eyes again.
"Yeah," Rose said wiping her own eyes. "You're day been bad?"
"Try month," the Doctor said sighing. "My best friend died and I had to tell her mother. She was in my care and it's all my fault."
"Oh, I'm sorry," Rose said her worries forgotten. "What was your friend's name?"
"Rose," the Doctor said smiling wryly.
"That's weird," Rose said wide eyed. "That's my name."
"S'good name." The Doctor said. "Maybe we were meant to meet?"
"Maybe," Rose stood up. "I better get back to my mum."
The Doctor stood up too and nodded.
"What was your name by the way?" Rose asked, her big brown eyes staring at him curiously. The Doctor's hearts melted.
"John," the Doctor replied. "John Smith."
"You don't happen to know my boyfriend Mickey Smith, do you?" Rose laughed. The Doctor shook his head.
"No sorry," he said.
"Well bye, John," Rose said grinning now. "See you in the next life yeah?"
"Yeah," the Doctor smiled back, the pain of Rose's death lifting slightly from his shoulders. "Bye, my Rose Tyler."