Chapter 3, up and ready for your enjoyment. Chapter 4's just about done and I'll be moving right along to chapter 5.

Hope you're enjoying everything so far :) I know I am.

Dismal

Chapter 3

My mind was working, again. I hated when it was like this. Going in every possible direction, all the time. I was thinking about my past, about my wounds, about why I hurt myself, about why Michiru kissed me. Why would she kiss me anyway? Nobody would ever want to kiss me. Nobody's ever liked me that way. I'm probably reading too far into the cheek kiss. I mean, it was just a peck, right?

"What was that for?" I reached up and touched my cheek, in the same spot her lips where a moment ago. I could still feel the warmth of her gentle lips, my spine was still shivering. 'Why had she done that. Maybe it's her way of showing how much she cares and worries about me. I just don't know.'

"I felt that I had to. Come on Ruka, lets go for a walk. I think we need to talk about some things." Before I could object, she grabbed my hand in hers and led me out of the bathroom. I could feel eyes on us. Probably wondering why a 'man' was in the woman's restroom. It's something I'm quite used to, but it still remains annoying though. I'm tired of being looked at. I just want to scream, 'I'm a woman you asshole, leave me the hell alone.'

I followed her down the path by the lake. I watched the reflections in the water. I saw Michiru's, it was slightly misshaped, yet she was still beautiful. I'd always thought she was beautiful, ever since I first met her. But I've just never had the courage to tell her. Then I saw mine. For some reason, it looked so right standing next to Michiru's smaller, more feminine body. Now that I focus on it, I do look exactly like a man. I think Michiru thought I was for the longest time, until she accidently walked into my room when I had my shirt half off. It gave her quite the view of my chest and stomach. Oh I remember the look on her face that day, it was priceless...

I was 15 or so, Michiru and I had just started to become friends. I remember inviting her over to my house one Saturday afternoon. Apparently when she got to the house, my parents told her where my room was. I never remember hearing her knock, nor do I remember telling her to come in. You see, I was in the middle of changing, preparing for her to get there. I had just taken off my button-down shirt, to put on a plain, long sleeved shirt. I had my arms in the shirt when she opened the door, luckily enough I had the bindings on my chest, she saw them. Her face went blank, at first she was scared, afraid that I'd gotten hurt somewhere. When I told her that it wasn't that, she looked at me in the funniest way imaginable. Her eyes squinted some as her nose moved to one side, her lips showed a bit of a smirk before she blurted out 'I KNEW it!'

I just smiled as I thought about that. Wow, I was smiling. I haven't smiled in a long time. And it only seemed to be because of her. She had become the biggest thing in my life. Even bigger then Naomi and Alyson. I did spend nearly as much time with Michiru as I did with my own parents. I loved her company, I felt like I could trust her, yet part of me couldn't tell her anything about my life. She knew very little about my real parents. She only knew how I got my scar, nothing else.

"What's on your mind." She stopped in front of me and looked into my eyes again.

You just want me to open up to you, to tell you everything don't you. Then you'll just tell me that everything will be alright and that you'll always be there to help. But you'll only go and tell everyone won't you? God, I'm getting mad at her. I can't do that. I could never get mad at Michi, it just wasn't natural. "I can't tell you." I forced myself to turn away. I knew that she could see everything in my eyes. And that's what I wished to hide most. My eyes had always been the only thing on my body to show feeling.

I just grit my teeth when she moved in front of me again. She gripped my wrists this time, to prevent me from looking away again. "I'm tired of this Haruka. I'm tired of always pretending every thing's alright with you. Just tell me everything. Talk to me. I don't want you to do this to yourself anymore. I don't like to see you hurting like this. God just please let me in." She was crying by then. I'd made her cry over this. If I'm making people cry, then maybe I shouldn't do it...right? But I can't stop. I just can't.

"Michi, I just can't..." I looked down again. My voice was almost emotionless when I spoke. "You don't understand. I don't need help Michiru. I don't need you, or anybody. I never have, and I never will."

I didn't like this. More tears left her eyes when I finished talking. And I could hear the panic in her voice when she spoke. Her hands gripped my wrists tighter. I wanted to run, but I didn't want to hurt her either. I would hurt her if I just pulled my arms away and left. "Ruka, please. I want to understand what you're feeling. But I can't unless you talk to me."

My breathing started to pick up. I was losing control again. I could feel it. Michi, just stop now. Oh god just please stop it. I looked down at her. She was still crying and looking at me like a lost puppy. She felt lost, I could tell from her eyes. But trust me Michiru, you're not. "I don't..." I sighed, I didn't even know what to say to her. "I just..." Dammit Haruka just relax. She's your best friend. "Just please stop it." I finally pulled my hands away from her and put them into my pockets, something I'd always done when I felt cornered and nervous. My arms were stiff now, tense even from the pressure I was feeling. "You don't want to know what happened to me." I turned and started walking away. I just wanted to leave it at that. To just let everything drop from there.

"Ruka stop..."

"No Michiru, you stop. I don't have to tell you a damn thing and I surely don't intend to either."

Oh no. What have I done. I just yelled at her is what I've done. But if she had only let it go, it wouldn't have gotten to that. This is the last thing I ever wanted to happen. Her face was full of shock. Her eyes had grown some, they were full of tears as she stared at me. Those tears were ones I'd caused. I caused her to cry like that. Her mouth was slightly agape. It looked as though she was trying to figure out what had just happened. Hell, you're not alone Michi. I found myself looking at her in the same way. I was trying to figure it out too. Why did I do that? Why did I yell at her? Why did I make her cry more? I have to get out of here. I have to go home. I have to be alone. I have to do something other then look at the girl who I love, and just hurt at the same time.

I blocked out her voice as I ran down the path. When I knew I was out of her view I slowed to a walk. I'm lucky that my house wasn't far from the park. I hoped Michiru would go back to the others and have fun. Maybe even make up a lie as to why I wasn't there anymore. Maybe she'd tell them that I wasn't feeling well and she ran me home. No, wait, they all saw my bloody sleeve. My eyes wandered down to that. How could I have been so stupid to begin with. If I'd just been more patient when Michiru came to my house. If I'd just put something on it, hell, if I didn't wear a stupid white shirt I'd be fine too. But I was stupid, I didn't do enough thinking. And now I've got people that know, and could tell someone. I don't need to be locked away. I don't want to die, just hurt myself, to make my other pains go away. And I'll have to hurt myself a lot to make Michiru's crying go away. I can't believe I did that. I didn't want to have ever hurt her. And I did, by my actions, and words.

I didn't even look at my parents when I walked into my house. I heard Naomi say something. I think I did anyway. I didn't look up in acknowledgment. I went right up to my room. I was falling apart, just as Michiru had told me I would. I feel like I could scream. Yet I feel like my throat is dry and my voice is gone. I closed my door and pulled off my shirt. I threw it into my trashcan. I'd deal with it later, I always did deal with bloody clothing later. I had other, more important things on my mind then.

I got into the top drawer of my dresser, I kept all of my blades in there. I had many knives and replacement blades for utility knives. It was sad, how quickly they became dull on my skin. I grabbed a new blade from the pack and sat on the middle of my floor. I felt as though it would be hard for me to stop this time.

I looked up at the ceiling as I made the first cut. I found it nearly impossible to look at my arms for the first cut. I looked back down as the blood came to the surface. It started running down my arm and onto the wood floor. A smile came to my face. I always seemed to smile when I did this. It was my way to release all of my pain. And boy was I full of it this time. I watched the blade rip apart my skin for each new wound. The blood followed trail, as the blade passed over my skin, more and more blood ran down my arm. Soon it was entirely red, I could no longer tell where I'd cut and where I hadn't. My arm had also become numb from the pain. There just wasn't anymore pain to be felt. Oh no. I went to far. I felt my eyes become heavy. Maybe I should have stopped a long time ago. Nobody was around to stop me. Or to help me.

"Ruka. No!" It was Michiru. She must have decided to follow me, to keep me from doing this to myself. I remember my eyes closing, and having no control as I fell to the hardwood floor. I remember the sound of the blade as it made a sort of squish sound as it hit a small puddle of blood on the floor, my wounds continued to bleed out, even as I lost consciousness.