Please note...This chapter would have been up about 11 PM EST last night..but wouldn't let me upload it :P Enjoy.

Dismal

Chapter 4

... Huh... What was that noise? ... Wait ... There it was again. ... What's going on ... I ... what? ... Why won't it stop? ... Please stop. ... It's loud ... It's getting faster ... What is it? ... Someone tell me ... Please ... Am I alone ... Why's...Why's it so dark ... I can't move ... The beeping filled the small room. It wasn't going away, getting louder, or fading. It was beeping at the same rate I felt my heart beating.

"...she be alright doctor?" There were voices in the room. They sounded almost familiar. Michiru? ... It was Michiru ... I think ... It sounded like her ... Where was she? ... I can't see anything ... I want to ... I can't ... My mouth ... it won't move ... No words ... Please help me ... I can't focus ... My body won't work with me. Nothing is working. My eyes, my mouth, my body, nothing, nothing is responding. Why. Why not?

His voice was clear as day. Yet I still only heard part of his sentence. "... a shock-... coma."

Coma? ... He... He just said what I thought he said... He'd just said a coma. I could hear some muffled tears and sobs to my left side. It sounded as if it were Michiru again... Michi... Honey I'm fine... I can...hear you. I can't move, I feel this pressure on my arm, where did it come from? It was where I'd cut myself. Last night I think. How long was I out ... Why won't I wake up? Please help me...

"Ruka? Ruka... Haruka please wake up." I opened my eyes to look up at Michiru. Her hands rested upon my shoulders, she had been shaking them. I quickly sat up, finding I was able to, that I wasn't just hearing things. I looked around the room, it was my room, not the hospital room that I had just seen in my mind. My heart felt like it was going to burst out of my chest. I was so scared, it was just a dream though. I looked down at the arm that I thought I had cut. There were no new wounds on it. What, that can't be right. I remember feeling the pain, then seeing the blood. "Are you OK Ruka?" Michiru gripped my hands as she looked into my eyes. "You look confused."

I am confused, where are my cuts, where's the blood on the floor, where's Michiru's tears, where's everything I saw the past few hours. "What happened? Are you still mad at me that I yelled at you?" I knew my eyes were full of worry as I looked at her. I actually looked at her. Why. Why did I look at her, I just waited to see the hurt in her face, but it never came. She simply laughed at me and playfully smacked my shoulder.

"Silly Ruka, you never yelled at me. You were playing football with Makoto and you fell. You must not remember because you hit that pretty little head of yours. How are you feeling?"

'Pretty little head' she was doing it again. She had said the same thing in my dream. What does that mean. Is it her way of flirting. Or just leading me on. Dammit, why can't I know what this stuff means. You'd think after spending half my life in front of a television I'd know what signs of flirting were. Maybe it's because I've never been flirted with before. "I hit my head?" I reached up to touch the back of my head. Sure enough there was a rather large bump there.

"Yes silly, you slipped on some mud and hit a rock. I... have a question for you too Haruka." Her tone suddenly got grim and serious. "Nobody else knows, trust me. But, when Naomi brought you up here. I slipped your shirt off of you, to help you cool off." Oh no. I know what's coming. "Haruka, what are these?" she took one of my arms in her hands and traced my scars gently. Out of instinct, I pulled away. She found them, but she didn't say anything to anybody else. If she had, then I wouldn't have woken up in my room, or in my bed. I can trust her. Can't I? I want to desperately, but I just don't know.

"This is what you've been hiding, it's it? Haruka I wish you had told me. I care about you so much and now I have hundreds of reasons to worry." she motioned to my cuts, she was right. There had to have been hundreds of them over the past 3 years. I cut myself every day, or at least every other day. I just can't stop. I want to, but I just can't. I don't feel the wounds anymore. They don't sting at all. I'm cutting on top of scars, basically creating a sort of armor on my arms. I don't know why though.

I looked down. After my dreams, maybe I should tell her. "I..." I shook my head. The words weren't coming to me. I don't think they ever will. "I wish I could just let you tap into my mind." I sighed softly and closed my eyes as I lay back. I opened my eyes again when I felt a weight on the bed next to me. Michiru followed me onto the bed and quietly laid against my body. I don't think she's realizing what this is doing to me. To have her so close to my body. She's so close physically, yet three continents away emotionally and mentally. I wanted to tell her how I felt, I wanted to scream it to the heavens, yet I couldn't. My lips were tied shut in a way. I couldn't find the words to speak to her anymore.

I remember now the first time I cut myself. I remember the reasoning behind it as well. I was 14 or so, maybe 15, all the years about that age just blurred together. It had apparently leaked out to some students that I was a female, not a man like they'd all originally thought. They all thought it would be funny to play a joke on me. It was a rather cruel joke at that.

One day while I was waiting for Alyson to pick me up, I remember a group of girls looking at me. It was common though. Girls always looked at me, I didn't mind it much. I'd gotten used to it. But every time I glanced up, they'd look away and start laughing. I didn't think much of it, I simply leaned against the wall as I waited for Alyson. I barely noticed as one of them set their backpack down and walked casually over to me. I looked up when she was basically pressed against my body. I thought she was going to kiss me. So I slowly closed my eyes as I saw her lean closer to me.

'You're kind of cute.' I remember her telling me as she pressed me to the brick wall. 'Do you want to go out with me sometime?' I opened my eyes to look at her again, I smiled softly, there was a first time for everything, or so I thought. I looked into her eyes and nodded. "I'd like that." I said. It was then when her and her group of friends burst into laughter. 'Not on your life dyke.'

Dyke. That was the first time I'd ever heard that word. I asked Alyson what it meant when she showed up. Her face went blank and she looked at me. I remember how she explained that it was a bad word for lesbians. And that I was never to use it again. And I haven't, I've never verbally said that word since then. I looked down at Michiru, she was still in my arms. I wanted to roll away, I wanted to run, again. But I can't. I can't run anymore. She knows everything, she'd only track me down and make me talk.

"I don't want to pressure you Ruka. I just don't want to see you do this to yourself anymore." She wrapped her arms around my neck and hugged me tightly. I was hurting her. I had always hurt her in one form or another. Or at least I saw it, she may not have. And who knows how many other ways I've hurt her without her telling me about it.

"And I don't want to hurt you anymore Michi. I...I..." Oh god I can't say it. How can I tell a girl who's been my friend for years that I love her. She'll probably laugh at me and run away. But...If I don't tell her now, when will I ever have another chance to tell her. "I...mmph" She put her finger on my lips and simply smiled at me.

Then she spoke. "I know."

"Michi...Where are you going?" I sat up slightly to watch her fading form in my arms. How was that possible. This doesn't make any sense. She knows how I feel now and she's leaving me. No. She can't leave me. Wait. No... She's not leaving me. No, I'm the one leaving her... I don't want to. I'm so sorry Michi. Please don't let me go.

"...Lost a lot ... blood..." There was that man's voice again. I think he's the doctor. He seems to know what he's talking about. Save me ... If you know what you're ... just save me ...

"I don't want her ... go" It sounded as if it were Naomi, or maybe it was Alyson. I don't know, they sounded alike when they spoke softly. I felt like screaming 'mommy' and curling up with them. Yet... I can't move ... They can't touch me ... I can't feel them ... Maybe they were ...

There ... There were those tears again ... Michiru ... She was crying, I knew it was her. I felt something grab my hand. I guess I can feel them. "May not ..." I blocked out the rest of it. I knew what he said before he said it. I really did go too far ... Didn't I ... I'm so sorry ... I want to come back ... Please ... Help me ...