Sorry about the delay, I spent the weekend in Baltimore at Pride :D It was so much fun. My girlfriend and I went down there for the weekend, it's about an hour and a half from where I live. I felt so at home down there. Knowing that nobody was staring at us when I kissed her. Loved it, it's definitely something I'm going to do next year too, hopefully it won't be so bloody hot it was almost 100 down there. Hated it.
OK, to answer nyc arts question about the "dyke" in the last chapter. I know everybody's different, and, personally, I don't mind referring to myself as a dyke, but not all lesbians like the term. Which is why I made Alyson tell Haruka it was a bad word. Hope that answers you :)
Dismal
Chapter 5
May not make it. May not make it. It kept replaying over and over again in my mind. May not make it. I might not wake up. I might not get to see Michiru's smiling face anymore. I might not get to relax in the arms of Naomi after one of our long talks. I might not get to argue with Alyson over how to fix the car. I might not see any of that again. It's all my fault. I'm so sorry.
"Michiru, you've been here all night honey, why don't you go home and rest some." It sounded like Naomi. It was her, I can smell her coffee. It must be morning time then. I feel like I've been awake for days now, but I'm not getting anything done like I should be. I should be up moving, talking, anything but being a vegetable like I am now.
But I still can't move. No new developments, as the doctor had said. I want to jump up and scream that I'm alright. But I can't. I feel so horrible now, to put everybody through this. I wonder what they're thinking at school. 'Hey that strange kid's gone ... Wonder what he did ... Oh well, we won't miss him.' I know nobody will miss me. Well, nobody from that horrid place anyway. I'm a senior now, I'm to be graduating in a few weeks. I've gone to school with the same people now for nearly 10 years, yet Michi's the only one who's ever talked to me. The only one to ever show me what a friend can do. Then she introduced me to the others and they instantly loved me. I got lucky the day I met Michiru. And now, I may never get to see her again. I may never get to tell her how much I love her. It seemed easy in my dream, to just pull her close and whisper it in her ear. But what if she doesn't feel the same. If she laughs at me I don't know what I'd do. I don't think I could handle that rejection from her.
"No, I slept in the chair some. I'm fine Naomi...Thank you." She was exhausted. I could hear it in her voice. I'd always been able to tell when she didn't sleep. Usually it was from the circles around her eyes, but I couldn't look into her eyes, as much as I wanted to. I'd become used to hearing it in her voice as well. "Can I have some time alone with her." I felt a hand on mine, it had to of been hers. She was the only one close enough to me to grab it. "I just want to talk to her." I wanted to lace my fingers with hers as I'd done so many times before, just playing though. But I couldn't. I tried so hard. But they just wouldn't move for me. I felt paralyzed.
She started crying after Naomi closed the door. It was almost instantly, the door clicked and the tears started. I hated this all. Michiru's been crying, over me, of all people. Why does she care so much? I probably would have ran at the first sight of blades and blood. I wouldn't be spending my life in a hospital room. Unless it was Michiru in my position. Maybe she does think of me the same way I think of her. I need to stop thinking about this so much. I'm sure she's just got nothing better to do.
"Ruka..." She stopped and leaned back in her chair, i could hear her clothes sliding against the vinyl seat covering. She was hesitating. But with what though. "Ruka... I... I need to tell you something. I guess it's now or never huh?" She laced her fingers with mine, then I felt something warm and slightly moist brush against the back of my hand. Lips maybe? "I... Nobody knows...I just hope...god what am I doing." She's starting to sound like me. Searching for the right words, with no hope in sight. "I've wanted to tell you for so long Ruka." She sighed, I heard her. She was about to tell me something big. She always did this when it was really important. "You'd think...I mean...you like this... it would, i guess... maybe be easier...but it's not. I think it's even harder. Not knowing if you can hear me or not. I just wish you could give me a sign. Anything Ruka." I tried to move my fingers, my eyes, my lips, any part of my body to let her know I could hear her. But nothing responded. Nothing at all. I can hear you Michi, trust me I can hear you. "I don't know if you can hear me or not." her voice started to fade, becoming choked with tears. "But I love you Haruka."
I love you too Michi... I love you too. Then it happened, my mouth worked "I...love you..too" My voice sounded like it hadn't been used in years. It needed a good dusting off and some new training. But it had worked. My mouth said something. I forced my eyes open for the first time. I let out a soft groan and closed them, the light had hurt so much. They were so sensitive. I heard Michiru gasp and heard the scuffle of her standing to get closer to me. "I... I heard...everything." I moved my head to the side that she was on and slowly opened my eyes again. It took, what seemed like hours for my eyes to focus on her. She was there, it was her. And she had been crying, just as I'd suspected. She was crying again, yet this time it was tears of joy. She was happy that I was awake.
Everything started becoming a blur again. I do remember Michiru going to the door, she called for a doctor. It was almost as if she screamed. I wanted to laugh at her, but I didn't have the strength. I just simply lay back and closed my eyes. I wanted to go back to sleep. I felt so weak then. Yet it was only a physical weakness. My mind was working a mile a minute. I was still trying to figure things out. Was I really in the hospital. Was I really dreaming? Maybe my cuts were just imagined. Maybe everything was fake. I don't know. It just seems too hectic to be my life. I don't like hectic, never have.
"Ruka, honey you're awake!" Aly came to my side. As did Naomi. I was able to open my eyes just enough to see them both. They looked just as exhausted as Michiru. They'd been here the whole time too.
"I'm sorry." that was all it felt like I knew how to say. "I'm so sorry." I was actually crying, I felt the tear slide down my cheek. I don't cry. I just have never felt the need to. But I knew I messed up big time. I couldn't take back what I'd done. And that kills me. "I don't want to die."
"We know baby." Alyson leaned down and kissed my forehead. She hasn't done that since I was a child, I never realized how much I missed it until she did it. I guess I did, I missed that affection that I got from my parents, but never got from the original ones.
"I never wanted to go this far. I just couldn't stop..." I felt the warm, wet streams run down my cheeks. I hated crying. It showed weakness, or so I had always thought. "Please help me."
Michiru sat by my hips on the bed and looked at me. "Will you promise never to do this again. For me?" she picked up one of my hands in hers and lifted it to her lips. She kissed my hand gently, then looked into my eyes. "I...meant what I said." She leaned down, her body pressed against mine as she whispered the words again into my ear. "I love you. I have for so long, I just never knew how to tell you."
My eyes focused on Michiru. I barely noticed as the others left. Even the doctor left after he checked the machines and looked me over once or twice. "I love you Michi. I don't want to hurt you anymore. I'm sorry I hurt you to begin with. I just want to go home...and pretend nothing ever happened. But I won't be going-"
Oh god...she kissed me. She must have gotten tired of listening to me talking. Her lips...they felt so good against mine. So right. I returned her kiss, letting her lead it. It remained soft and gentle, sending chills down my spine. It was just as I had imagined it would be like. I just smiled at her when she pulled away. I didn't know what to say to her. She giggled, she was happy. I love seeing her happy. And just think, this time I brought it to her.