Definition of Insanity
Part Five
by Karen

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters, they belong to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy and Fox.
Rating: M for adult themes and drugs.
Genres: Angst and eventually romance
Summary: Buffy used to have a needle problem- she couldn't stand them. Now she has a different sort of needle problem, one that could kill her if she's not careful. But she has been careful, at least she was until someone from her past showed up and shook her hold on reality.
Author's Notes: This story came about after I went to the doctors and had to have blood drawn.
Warnings: Contains situations not suitable for children. Reader disgression is advised.
Feedback: A must.

I told Angel about going to the club as we drove back to my place, I hadn't been able to find him before then. It had taken me a half hour to find him in one of the classrooms, having a discussion with some of the slayers. It warmed my heart to see him like that. He really had a way with the girls. As I had watched from the window, he had smiled at something one of the girls said, and I felt a sudden shot of jealousy flow through my veins. My reasonable half had told me I had no reason to be jealous, he wasn't mine anymore, but my heart wouldn't listen.

I hadn't been to a club in a long time, and I hadn't been to this particular club, so I really had no idea what to wear. I told myself I was going to reconnect with my friends, to show them I was okay, and to get back into slaying. But some part of me also wanted Angel looking at me like he used to. It was that part of me that chose my outfit. I knew that he wouldn't be the only one looking, and though I felt a bit bad about that, that same part of me was snide, wanting him to feel the jealousy I felt.

I put on one of my long coats with large pockets full of stakes and smaller knives and Holy Water while Angel was still changing in the bathroom. For once I was ready before he was. When he did finally come out, he looked uncomfortable in the colors he wore. I thought he looked so incredibly sexy in colors, and it hit me then that I had never seen him in anything but black and white. The khaki pants went well with the light blue cotton shirt, and the light color of the outfit went will with his healthy tan skin.

"Ready?" he asked. I just nodded, biting my lip. Maybe inviting him along was not the way to slowly wean myself from him… Maybe instead I should have spent the night without him, just as I had spent the day. But it hadn't felt like I had spent the day separate from him, maybe because he was in the building. It had felt so natural to find him talking with those girls, so natural to confide in him about my day on the ride home.

We drove in silence, me going over the directions Willow had given me before I had left for the day. It was Friday night, so there was a line outside when we got there, but I told them we were here from the Watcher's Council, and they let us in. Willow had told me earlier that the owner had put us on the guest list, hoping we might keep his club undead free. When we got to the corner table where Willow, Oz and a woman I didn't know sat, I pulled off my coat, putting it over the back of my chair. I felt eyes on me, and turned to see Angel staring at me, his eyes seemed darker than they usually were, deeper, smokier…when he caught me looking, he quickly turned away, peeling off his own jacket. I hid my smile, turning to the new girl, "Hi, I'm Buffy Summers," I told her, offering my hand.

She stood, taking my hand, "Stephanie Daisuke. Nice to meet you."

"The pleasure's mine. Oh, this is Angel," I said, trying to think up a way of explaining Angel, but I saw I didn't have to, her attention was on him for a second, and then it moved to someone else. I turned and saw that she was staring at Xander, who was coming through the crowd, carrying two drinks.

"Buffy!" he cried when he saw me, "You look fantastic," he gave one of the drink to Stephanie, put the other on the table beside her, and hugged me. "Trying to make Angel jealous, are we?" he asked in my ear, before he let me go and sat next to Stephanie. Willow and Oz also hugged me, Willow also hugged Angel, and Oz shook Angel's hand. Xander was the last to greet Angel, I think he just did it to show there were no hard feelings between them.

The night passed quickly, full of dancing and a bit of drinking. I didn't drink anything stronger than soda, knowing how I usually took to alcohol and other stimulants. I didn't want to get off one and find myself addicted to another. It wasn't very far in the evening when I found out Angel could not dance, so he stayed at the table with Oz and Xander as us girls danced, drawing attention to ourselves. Not that I needed any help in my black mini skirt and shiny red halter top that left my back exposed. Only a strap behind my neck and two across my back kept me from being incredibly embarrassed. It felt good, letting loose and having fun. I hadn't truly had fun in years, and it felt weird at first, but I soon warmed to the idea. Of course, I don't think I would have been having nearly so much fun if Angel hadn't been watching. Stephanie was a good dancer, and I liked her immediately. She made Xander so happy, and it was good to see Xander happy. For once, we were all pretty much happy. Of course, unbeknownst to me, I was going to be a whole lot happier in about five hours.

Besides drinking and dancing, we did the small talk thing, and when a slow song was played, instead of looking like idiots sitting at the table alone while the others danced, Angel and I danced. We didn't do the close dancing, body to body- I'm not sure who was making us keep our distance- but he held me in his arms, and it was bliss. He was human, and I was human, and we were just a normal not-couple out with friends.

At about two thirty we headed home, once again in silence. I said goodnight and headed to my room, pushing the door mostly closed. I had kinda gotten used to not having a door, and it was Angel. What he had said a week ago was true, he had seen it all, not in a long time, but he had.

I was slipping out of my shoes when I felt his presence. I started to turn, but wasn't fast enough. His hands on my face, he backed me up until I fell onto my bed. He seemed to float down on top of me, keeping all but the tiniest bit of his body weight off of me, not that I couldn't have taken it all...

"Tell me you don't want me," he growled, deep in his throat. I could feel his erection pushing against my stomach and felt a rush of warmth shoot from my stomach down into the most private of regions.

I had to lie. That was the only way out of this, the best way. If I lied, if I told him I didn't want him like he so obviously wanted me, then he would go, I could see it in his eyes. But just the thought of him leaving, of him being gone forever, never to be in my life again, it cut me to shreds. I should have known I couldn't lose him again. Hadn't my dreams been enough?

He looked down at me, his eyes so dark with want they were black. But it was as if there was a curtain in his eyes, I know this sounds weird, but go figure, and just behind that curtain was something else, but I couldn't figure out what.

I knew I had a decision to make; tell him I loved him-he didn't…he didn't ask me if I loved him, he asked me if I wanted him. Wanting and loving are so very different. He probably hasn't had sex since he became human, so he figured he'd test everything out on me!

Now I knew what I had to do. I took a deep breath, hoping he didn't see the tears fighting to gain access to open air, "I-I…" I started, but the words wouldn't come. I don't, how hard is that to say. Three words, well, two and a contraction. But I couldn't get them out. I took another deep breath to start again, "I- I…can't," I said at last. I couldn't lie to Angel, I just couldn't.

His lips descended on mine, and while earlier, on the dance floor, I thought I was feeling blissful…just his lips on mine brought me tantalizingly close to a release I hadn't had in years. Not since Sunnydale, not like this, anyway, not with someone who loves you.

Somehow I knew Angel was trying to take it slow as he memorized every inch of my mouth with his tongue. I had a delicious thought that I wished he would be so thorough in other areas and another rush of warmth headed south.

I ran my hands down across his neck where they had been tangled in his hair, and quickly undid the first button I came in contact with. I needed him, and I needed him now.

After that, the clothes disappeared, not that mine were really any barrier. A small part of myself must have wished this outcome as I dressed myself that night.

Just before I fell over the edge, I looked into his eyes, and the curtain was gone. What I saw there shocked me and pushed me over the edge. With one more thrust, he followed.

"I love you," he murmured in my ear as we rode out our bliss.

"I know. I love you too," I knew we still had a lot of things to go over, a lot yet to talk about, but I knew without a doubt, this was right where I was supposed to be.

As we lay there in the silent aftermath, his head drooped over my shoulder, his breath tickling my neck, I had to tell him something. "Angel," I murmured.

"Yeah?" he asked, lifting his head to look me in the eye.

"You're my anti-drug," I murmured.

He smiled down at me, before leaning down and placing open-mouthed kisses on my neck that made me squirm, "Funny, you are my drug."

It's been four months since my fatal overdose. And since then, I've slowly been rebuilding my life. I spend much more time with my friends, and I eat healthier. I even have some of my curvier curves back. And I've been heroin free for four months now. I no longer have a needle problem, but I'll always have a demon problem, and I kind of still have a drug problem, only this one is totally different, and I get it in a much different way.

As I sit here, listening to my best friends making speeches, I can't help but look over at the guy sitting next to me. He's gorgeous, and I guess you could call him my supplier. Oh, good news about Morty, ran in to him about two months back, and he won't be making any more drug deals. But back to the happy ending.

Willow finishes her speech and sits down. It was really a touching thing, all about soul mates, and how even she knew I had found mine at sixteen. Funny now that at twenty eight, we're finally back on track. As everyone claps, I feel a rush of adrenalin shoot through my veins, and I definitely think that this natural drug thing is the way to go.

I look over once again, and he's looking at me. I smile, biting my lower lip, trying to contain my happiness. I can't believe we're finally here, I mean, who'd have thunk it?

And I guess I've finally admitted to myself that I'm just a little bit crazy, because I've done the unthinkable. For the final time, I've done the same thing, expecting different results. But the best part is, this time I know the outcome will be different.

He leans over and kisses me, and I taste wine on his lips. Or maybe that's my wine I'm tasting. I'm not really sure. Yeah, yeah, I'm a bit drunk, and I know I said I'm not really a big drinker, but I've found the best drug of all while I'm in his arms, and it mixes very well with liquor, so I figure a little alcohol can't hurt. Besides, it's my wedding day, and I'm getting lucky tonight.

END