I felt that I couldn't put you all through any more waiting. I wanted to get the last chapter up. Hope you enjoy.
Dismal
Chapter 7
"Daddy, where's mommy at? I want her to read me a bedtime story." I crawled up onto the sofa next to my dad. I was three, maybe 4 then. When my original parents still cared some. He looked at me from his television show and frowned.
"Your mommy's a little whore. She goes around to sleep with other people because she doesn't love me. Or you for that matter. You're the reason she's doing this Haruka. I hope you know that." he looked back at the television, ignoring me. Something he started doing more and more.
She's no better then my mother. I'll be home soon. Please just leave me alone. I want to be home, and alone.
I remember hearing strange noises in my parents' room. I was old enough to know what sex was. I must have been 7 or 8 then. I heard my mother screaming, along with the associated noises. But I knew also that it was a Saturday morning, daddy worked Saturday mornings. "Mom?" I opened up the door and saw her in bed, with a different man. "Where's daddy?"
She jumped up, away from him, she held the blanket around her body as she looked at me. She made me promise not to tell daddy that there was another man in the house when he wasn't home. I had no choice but to promise her that.
What if Michiru was sleeping with him. With what he said to me earlier. "She's mine, back off." She has to be his. Why else would he say that. Right? They've always been together. I've seen the way they've flirted. I always knew she was straight. Nobody could ever love me. I was right. For once, I actually knew something.
"Michiru, go out with me." I was close enough to hear Jared ask her that. He was still fairly new in our school. Maybe a week or two since he came from America. He's done nothing but hit on her. And it always seemed that she flirted back.
She let out a soft giggle and pushed him away gently, in an almost playful way. "I'll think about it." She never gave him a direct no. She never gave him an answer, at least while I was around anyway. She only smiled and giggled at him. A giggle she always did around me too.
I'd always thought, that maybe she was playing with his head. Leading him on, I know she's done that with guys in the past. But not after the kiss today. She looked like she was enjoying it.
I remember yesterday, right after we got back to my house. We were up in my room. I had just wrapped my arms around Michiru and told her I loved her. She pushed me away. She giggled, so I thought she was playing, she wasn't. She couldn't have been, she just didn't want to hurt me. She didn't tell me she loved me too. It has to be because she doesn't.
There it was, my house. I just wanted to get in, slam the door, and lock myself in the room. I'm thankful that Naomi and Alyson are at work. They won't be home for hours. Nobody to bother me. It's a great feeling, to be all alone. Knowing there's nobody to stop me when I bleed. Nobody to stop my mind from thinking. Nobody to do anything. Nobody to help me.
I ran up to my room, my mind still working. Wondering why this always happens to me. I always get hurt. No matter how hard that wall is around my heart and head. There's a hole somewhere, that people find and exploit. They love to tear me apart. Not physically, but mentally, where it hurts the most. I can't take this anymore. I can't live in a place where I'm always hurt, or hurting others. I don't want to do this. Michiru…Naomi…Alyson… The closest people in my life, I'm tired of hurting them.
I sat at my desk, my hands were shaking as I grabbed a few pieces of paper. I figured. If I leave, I should at least tell them why. Right? That's only fair. Wow…here I go again. Putting everybody else first, explaining myself for things that don't need explaining. If I just end it, there won't be anymore trauma. Nothing else to worry about. Nothing at all. My hand moved across the paper quickly, scribbling a letter to everybody. The words never came to me before, but they were now. My body knows that it's time to go. That it's time to rest in peace. I need peace. Peace of mind, peace from everything. I can't deal with any of this anymore.
I turned the page, my hand still writing out those words that I felt. That I just needed to tell everybody. I need to let them know what's going on in my mind. What I could never explain to them before. I should leave this some place they'll find it, shouldn't I? Maybe on the coffee table downstairs. Yea, that will work. They're bound to see it there. My heart raced as I went downstairs. I could barely get my fingers to work as I placed the folded papers on the coffee table, right on top of Alyson's book. The book that she read every single night after she got out of her shower.
There was a car engine outside. It couldn't be either Naomi or Alyson. I glanced out the window. Michiru. No, she's the last person I want to see. I slide the latch over the front door, so she couldn't get in. She can't get in. I don't want to talk to her. She can't stop me this time. Nobody can. I went to the back door and did the same thing. It was then that she appeared in front of the glass door, she stared right at me as I put the deadbolt across the door. I just gave her a blank look before pulling the curtain closed.
"Ruka…Ruka! Don't do anything stupid. Let me in! It wasn't my fault!" I tried to ignore her as I went upstairs. She just wouldn't stop pounding against the glass. Her screams were muffled. I don't want to see her. I don't have to listen to anything she has to say. I knew what I was doing. Naomi showed me how to use it when she first got it. She got it for protection when there were a lot of robberies on the block last summer. It seemed like it took forever to get upstairs, and to get into my parents' room. I knew where she kept it. It was scary how calm I was. My heart was racing, my head wasn't pounding. My hands had stopped shaking. It felt right. It felt completely right. I had to do it. It was my time.
There it was. Right were Naomi had always left it. Her hand gun. She always kept it loaded, just in case our house was ever broken into. I picked it up. It felt like it weighed a ton and it was cold against my skin. I pulled the magazine from the bottom of it, it was loaded. The snap of the magazine catching again as I put it back in rang through my ears. I silently took the gun, closed the dresser drawer and went back into my bedroom. I stopped long enough to look out my window, Michiru was standing on the front lawn. She was on her cell phone. She'd probably called Alyson, or the police department, or something. But it won't help. They won't get here in time. It's all over. I pushed the window open just enough to talk to her.
"You know Michi…People always say things they don't mean." I pulled my window shut before she could say anything, I moved away from her view, I didn't want her to see it. I couldn't put her through that visual. I knew if I hesitated, I wouldn't do it. I can't hesitate. No. It's over. I'm tired of hurting and being hurt.
Three...Two...One...
I heard the bang just a split second before everything went dark...
--The end--