Strong Sad stands at his computer desk and sweeps the notebook full of Sartre notesoff his keyboard. He sits down, taps the down arrow to wake up the computer, then rests his hand on the mouse as the screen comes on. As he calls up HRMail and logs in, he sings with wounded-tenor intensity: "Email in my heart tonight, so afraid to start tonight, don't let this diieeeee…"
His inbox appears on the screen, accompanied by a "bing-bong" chime. That's right: a "bing-bong" chime. For right beside the word "Inbox" in the list of his folders on the right side of the screen, there is a single boldface "(1)." And in his inbox, there is an email.
Strong Sad has an email.
Strong Sad stares for a moment before clicking the email open. He reads it out loud as the text of the body appears onscreen.
Dear Strong Sad
You should just try a Tip on how to be more Liked. I have the Link here
W.Mack.
Here Mack Megalo gives Tips to everyone who isnt Liked. Oh and Dont go onto the Section under the ''Unloved and Depressed'' You dont wanna go here. Believe me my Eyes are Still Bleeding after being in that Section
Sincerly Jerry Winderton FC
Much like his brother, Strong Sad pronounces misspellings and typographical errors such as "dont" or "sincerly" just as they are written, pausing for a second after each as if to emphasize it. "From FC," he finishes. "Foreign Leadership Camp? I don't remember any Jerry Winderton from Foreign Leadership Camp…
"I guess it couldn't hurt," Strong Sad decides with a shrug. He sighs as he clicks the link. "Famous last words."
Mack Megalo's site comes up, a blue navigation bar set against a garish yellow-gray background. The website's creator, one might infer from the layout, knows at least some HTML, and has probably even seen a commercial website before—but that's being generous. In the center is a "personal message from Mack Megalo," the usual blurb about "with my expert advice, you too can be more liked!" right beside a picture of the mildly successful pop psychologist himself. Mack Megalo looks like the genetic fusion of Bob Saget and Richard Simmons, especially in his smile, the wide tooth-baring grin of someone who can look for two seconds like he has his life together while someone takes a picture.
On the navigation bar, there are four tip sections: "Hated by the Bullies?" "Unloved and Depressed?" and "Leety and Extremely Stupid and Deaf?" Strong Sad scrolls to the right in order to see the fourth section, which the large font size has pushed off the screen. It is: ''Hates Tom Jackson?''
"Well, that's not me," says Strong Sad. "I bear no ill will toward the Denver Broncos linebacker of fourteen years, nor the Canadian actor and folk-singer! I'm not sure what 'leety' is…but my hearing and intelligence are just fine…" He considers clicking on the "Hated by the Bullies?" link, and the mouse cursor hovers over it. Perhaps it would even help with his constant torment at the hands of Strong Bad. But, against his better judgment, our sphere-bodied hero moves his mouse over to the "Unloved and Depressed" link and
clicks.
Strong Sad peers out from between his fingers, holds his breath and waits for the blood to flow.
But the page contains no unspeakable horrors, no eye-gougingly hideous images or words of madness—indeed, nothing but a paragraph and a few bullet points. The page reads, "If it is Cursed by Bullies. Go to 'Hated by Bullies?' Well. Simply. All you need is to Go Cooler. Then ask the Nearby Guys for Advice. and then Search for your Greatest Fan."
It's not too late to go to the hated-by-bullies section, Strong Sad thinks. But deep in his heart, he knows there's no going back. He's read the tip, and now there's only one question on his mind:
Will it work?
(The author would like to thank one of his reviewers for the idea for this Strong Sad Email, which the author is finally getting around to using. Stay tuned for more Strong Sad action!)